Wednesday, December 30, 2009

impermanence memorial

The old year is ceasing a new one arises.
We're giving time the frame of seconds, minutes, hours, days, ... years and think thus we can manage time. HA! Ignorant. As if we had any influence on it. It's passing. That's it. As subject to ones perception it passes fast or slow.
Presence ... How long is a present moment? A day? A second? A breathlong a heatbeat? or just as long as it takes to turn from life to death? Zosh! Zummm! How many cells of the body die while one heartbeat?
I'm dying, I'm dying! Ahgrr!
Yes, a present moment is short. Some of the people i know will drawn this fact in alcohol tonight, waking up tomorrow with headace that makes them forget all the good intentions they had for the new year. And will have lost by doing so about 80.000 of their brain cells. Hehe.
And then wait for the next year to have some other good intentions.
You friends and family will not do so, will you? The time for a good intention, a good act is now. And now, and now ...
See a child carrying water in both hands from the watersource to the sandcastle. When it gets there all water has run out already - that's how we do, we try to carry time to build a nice sand castle and - oups! Time out.
May all who come to read this be happy in the present moment, free from suffering, now, and now and may you all have some good intentions and 'find the time' to replace the bad ones by the good.
Hody! Years are changeing.
Have a happy impermanence day.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

2 ond noble truth

Second noble truth
There is a reason for suffering and that is: craving to wanting, clinging on desires.
The reason for suffering has to be given up.
The reason for suffering is given up.
If one reads the suttas carefully, one can find that the Buddha made these 3 phases, 3 steps of progress for each of the noble truth. For example in the Dhamma-cakka-ppavattana-sutta. I was ignorant enough for many, many years and didn’t read carefully, I just skipped some lines which seemed to similar to read them entirely. Shameful I noticed my error some weeks ago and am glad that I have the chance to understand the 4 noble truth better now.
What is meant, or better what I understand is the following:
There are 3 kinds of wanting (craving, clinging, attachment).
The wanting of (the desire for, the attachment to) sensual pleasures, kama tanha. For example wanting tasty food; liking a certain smell; desire for touching and being touched and caressed; hoping to see something beautiful; daydreaming of meeting a beloved one, loving a certain music …
Sure, one needs food, without it one gets weak and dies, but any healthy food will do, it mustn’t be tasty. Although - the tasty food is not the problem, nor the wanting to eat to maintain the body, even to eat tasty food does not necessarily create suffering. But wanting the tasty food and craving for the tasty food, going for it, – this is where suffering starts.
Liking a smell of a flower which is growing somewhere and one passes by is not yet suffering but it may become suffering, when one goes for the smell, chases after it, buys similar perfumes, buys the same flower to be with the smell, then it turns into suffering.
That’s quite easy to understand. Everything that occurs at one of our sense doors, eyes, ears, nose, tongh, tactile sense is firstly jus what it is but might turn into an object of craving, wanting and hence may cause suffering.
There is bhava tanha, bhava is translated with becoming, being, the german translation is Daseinsprozess which for me seems to be a rather logical translation, it means: ‘being in the process of being’ or just being if one understands it as process and not as a fixum.
Then bhava tanha means: wanting it to be ... ‘it’ can be replaced by anything. Wanting to be happy, wishing to be rich, hoping the weather to be nice, wanting to become a Bhikkhuni, wanting to be enlightend, wanting to be slim and beautiful, liking it, wanting to be a strong meditator. any wanting to be and wanting it to be can be grouped here. LIKING!
Vibhava tanha is the opposite of it: wanting it not to be … If food is not tasty but one is attached to tasty food one wants it to be tasty and is hence suffering because it actually is not. Not wanting the pain meditation can cause, not liking the smell of the feet of the person meditating next to oneself, not wanting the mosquitoes to bite, etc. etc. DISLIKING!
It turns out that one is busy with one of the three tanhas (craving, attachment) whole day through. It’s either one or another, they are linked and can change quickliy. They are not completely different mind states, more different shades of an craving, attached mind state. Only when the mind calms down from meditation, when mind states become clearer and purer arising of ‘wanting’ is slowing down and finally eventually ceasing. Not that it is so already in my case …
I’m meditating on this since I wrote about the first noble truth and can tell you I don’t want to see all this wanting anymore. :o)
I will give up the wanting for becoming a Bhikkhuni in the very moment of my ordination. And for the rest - There are some moments throughout a day without any wanting, just walking, just breathing, whatever is on in those moments. It’s like learning to equilibrate a raw egg on a needle top, it rarely works but if it happens for some moments it’s “wow”, great (afterwards). Interesting noting, when there is no wanting at all then there is no experience of “I”, neither.
I could give up the wanting to be perfect enlightened now and found that the last words my teacher told me when he left last year “Learn patience!” are eventually the most profound teaching he could give me.
For one month I served the guest teacher and the translator with tea and honey, juices, soymilks etc. in the evening, greedy staring at all the good things Ajaan receives, noticing ‘wanting, wanting’, using the tea bags I have 1 for 3 mugs, sometimes hungry and weak leaving the Ajaans with their nice drinks, hoping to be eventually offered some honey (never happened). Now, two or three weeks later I happen to serve the Bhikkhuni with a drink that the kitchen gives out in the afternoon, yet hungry at that time myself I don’t have a desire to take a drink for me (except on the first day, I didn’t reflect on it and took a drink as well but now I do not anymore because it is not offered).
A story of success? Oh, noooo …
I don’t want to lose my teeth and the ability to go to toilet alone in old age and am attached to the hot water kettle Nadya gave and teabags my sister has sent, the monks blanket, the phone and notebook …
It seems that wanting loses its power just by observing it, by not giving it much attention, by just going back to the rising and falling of the abdomen or any other sensation that arises.

Monday, December 21, 2009

funeral faire

A “high” monk of Chiang Mai died some days ago and the 4 days of funeral ceremonies were held. I went twice, to a Dhammatalk Ajaan Tong gave and last night to the last ceremony and cremation. Ajaan Tong talked about the Satipathana Sutta. We went as whole group to greet him and another “high” monk which I never met before. It was funny, Ajaan Tong who usually walks guided by one or two people suddenly jumped up and arranged the group around the other monk. Then we bowed, he said some friendly words and back we krept. On my way back I passed Ajaan Tong and prostrated to him and in the end his eyes were catching mine and he looked at me long, again and then nodded, as if to confirm something to consent. Ajaan Tong is special. His gace and consent is uplifting. In the beginning I cried when I met him, for an hour after the first meeting. Some may see the weak old body and not notice the radiance. When he looks into the eyes of somebody it can’t let one unmoved.
Yesterday we went at 9 in the morning and I expected a short excursion, it turned out to be a long day, we went back at about 9 o’clock at night. Here the highlights of the day: I was standing and watching the imposing coffin pagoda, a 15m high wooden structure in form of a bird with elephant head, covered beautifully with colorful paper, I was wearing my mae chii robes and a monkssize blanket of the same material to keep me warm around the shoulders, an official which I remembered to be employed in the Buddhist office approached, “oh oh”, I thought “to jail for wearing something that looks eventually like a monksrobe” … but I was invited to sit with the honored group of Buddhistoffice employees, all men and women in white uniforms with some brass.
Then the Bhikkhunis from Nirodharam came and were guided to the monks tribune by one of the female Buddhist office highranks. The monks had to move aside a bit to give room to the Bhikkhunis.
Then some monks with rank and name came, the crowd prostrated etc., the somdet was guided by all Buddhist office officials to his place. One of them went to the speakers corner and started his speech by greeting the fourfold community of Bhikkhu, Bhikkhuni, laymen and laywomen. What a happy day! A Buddhist office official greets Bhikkhunis, just imagine that.
After lunch it was quite boring until 8 at night, the time for the cremation. Some people tried to talk to me, which always was short because of my very limited Thai. Most of them saw that I’m mae chii, but some thought I’m Bhikkhuni. “No, not yet, next year I will be.” I said. Since I met Ajaan Tong 2 days before I’m convinced it will be so. May it hold true.
At 8 pm the bird-elephant in which somewhere the dead monk must have been hidden was set on fire with spectacular fireworks. Some people are funny, they wait for hours to see a cremation, but rush away before it really starts just to be the first at their car. Many thousands people came to see the cremation.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009


Yesterday I was questioned by the Bhikkhuni here about my plans. I told her of some options, like: ordaining, America, Sri Lanka, to stay where I am etc., that I presently don’t know what to do next. I told that I could be of help for the center here as well as in America or anywhere else.
She said: “or have an own center?” “Yes,” I said, “why not, in some years, I need to learn more first, I can give good Dhammatalks for beginners already as I noticed but not for advanced people so I need to study and practice more. And if, it will be in Spain, probably.” She mentioned that they have land here to set up a center but are in need of a monk or a nun to go there, … but someone with supporters to build kuties and a viharn …
So this is no option for me.
She said that a nice luxorious kuti as I have it now here is adequate for a woman of my age, getting from one place to another is for the younger ones, not convenient for someone who practices for the higher paths.
Then I washed my robes and blanket when I was putting the blanket to dry on a rope where the Bhikkhuni usually dries here robe (and she allowed me to dry mine there as well). I was talking with Nadya, suddenly she disappeared in the middle of the sentence. Later I understood why. She’s just cleverer and faster than I am. A certain monk came scolding me for putting my blanket on the Bhikkhuni’s rope … ouuu! mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. As everything was already swept and the flowers watered, there was not much more to complain, so he left and Nadya came out of her hideout laughing.

Monday, December 14, 2009

forest, forest nun

Back from the forest since two days, back to internet today. 6 people and a teacher and a lot of defilements there in the forest.
What for to leave the room and meet people?
To be yelled at, to become someone else’s personal object of hatred, to be sucked in other peoples tragedies, and to be told of the faults of all other people around?
I learned: when a woman is practicing Gurudevotion, I should just not get in her way.
It was a nice forest, though. I practiced on a marvelous terrace above my room, the room was full with furniture, so I could not practice there, no door to close behind me. Close the sense doors phalañani.
After almost one year I met my preceptor. It was a pleasure meeting him. I could sit during report what I appreciated very much but which caused some suffering for others.
After some days I was very much surprised to hear that he agreed in my Bhikkhuni ordination and then coming to America. Eventually, I should go there for 2 months or so in january already and then to Sri Lanka for ordination. If it holds true and I really can ordain there next june. We’ll see.
Becoming Bhikkhuni, going to America or Sri Lanka, being made someone’s enemy, being someone’s friend, living in nice forests or shabby hut ... does it really matter, does it really exist other than as impurities of mind, illusions, just thoughts. I told Eric and I should remember: "What are our thoughts? Important? They are as important as farts. They may cause pain and suffering for a while, can be really bothering and bad smelling - but then they're gone. There is no sense in holding on to them. To neither :o)
Is a person who stands in front of another crying, yelling: “I need to see Noah, now! Accusing herself for all the bad she’s done, accusing me to hate her to follow after her, mentioning that her live is not worth to be lived, calling me sweet and good the next moment, then accusing me again and so on, is it a real danger? For whom? I managed to cool her down twice that night, and to wait until next afternoon to see the teacher instead of running there in the middle of the night. Next day: “I’m not talking to you again!!! And then I was told about the shitsophreny of one companion and the complete incapacity to do anything alone of another. “I need Noah, I need Noah.” From then on I tried myself not to meet her or excused myself after some friendly words. But there was only one small way through the womensection and we had the same direction to get food or to go to report and I was always outside. I will not tell more details.
Am I compassionate or an idiot when I tell the teacher what I see and hear? A compassionate idiot probably, a silly nun. Am I responsible or denunciating when I talk about peoples true intentions to do or not do something when I know them. Do I want to make me look better or is it a duty to the teacher to tell him what’s going on? There is this rule, that one should not try to hide one another’s faults … how far does that reach? It is very sensible and requires people who want to strive in the same direction and have fairly the same understanding of the Lord Buddha’s teaching. If not, quarrels are programmed, as it seems.
I tried to be pure at heart and acted and spoke with good intentions but at least once, I noticed that I’m speaking with sarcasm which implies kind of anger and which is not proper.
Conclusion after sleeping over it:
I‘m sorry to cause someone trouble just by being, I’m not welcome to come to America by at least one person and if I go to America I will eventually cause her more suffering then she already feels. She wants become a Theravada nun and will not accept me as her older sister. “The ordination is my life, Noah is all I have, I need him.”
I should consider not to go or if, not to go for much more than to see my sister and some Bhikkhunis, as I seem to be more flexible where and with whom I stay.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

after some meditation

Some meditation in the solitude of my room was needed to see more cleary about the Bhikkhuni-ordination-question.
What happened so far:
I found a very nice Lady in Sri Lanka who wants to promote my aspiration for Bhikkhuni ordination but, said she I need letters of support to convince the elders to give me full ordination and accept my mae chii hood as the required samaneri time of 2 years. Which in exceptions can be done.
So far, so good. I cryed some tears of joy about this mail and started asking monks to give me letters. The first request already was torn down by some arguments I really understand and I was invited to come to america and help to set up a meditation center there. That was the first reason why I ordained and why I came to Thailand. So why not go to America to do it there?
I cried again, when my request for a letter was denied and needed to meditate and find equanimity.
It might be a bad moment to ask Thai monks to help me with Bhikkhuni ordination, so I stopped asking for letters for now and will wait for another moment. Patience … the waves after the happenings in the Thai sangha about full ordination of women have to calm down.
Many thoughts arouse. Yes, the keeping 8 precepts is a wonderful practice for laypeople. They are trainingrules and if one ever breaks one, it doesn’t matter so much. Just try to do it better next time. No commitments, no punishments, no other then self control. This would be really IT, if people would take it more serious and would really try to keep them. But actually nobody does and nobody expects that one does. I talked with Ajahn about eating in the evening of nuns (in general, not accusing anyone) he said “well, for them it’s ok, for us” – and I was very grateful that he seemed to include me in this – “it is not”. Some try to smash mosquitoes while giving precepts even. (I saw monks and nuns doing it)
I’m in a good mood to just disrobe and go somewhere to set up a small meditation center on my own, creating a new form of Buddhist followers, the Buddhamaggikapugalla (don’t know if this would be the correct pali word for people who follow the Buddhas path), people who honestly keep the rules which make sense to keep in modern life, for men and women same rules and same treatment in case of breaking – compassionate rebuking after confession.
I will leave Thailand for now, soon. But remain in robes … Hope to be able to go to Sri Lanka and spend some time with Bhikkhunis there. Then, if I will get a visa, I’ll set off for America and check if it’s true what I was told: there is not much of a difference between monks and nuns in treatment and support and that people willing to keep rules are needed there to give people who are open to Buddhism some faith.
Departure needs some preparation and it may take some time .

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

to all

After a few days of keeping silence about the bhikkhuni-trouble, even in mind, and after a trip to the monastery where i spent my first parivara, i'm back to town.
It was sooo good to be in the forest again. Before i went i got sick a little but there, in nature, it dissapeared.

There was a very, very sick dog. Don't know what kind of desease it got. So much suffering. It got blind and can't move the legs, moving must be painful. We fed it with the meat we received and it was so grateful. But at one point i thought for the poor being it would almost be better to be left alone, dying. trying it to keep it alife with this desease must be torture.

@ anonymus
May your practice and your keeping the 8 precepts lead you to the end of suffering. All the best for you.

@ budd tcw ha
Our connection seems to be quite good, i received your message before you've sent it and started to keep silence about this topic even in mind. Yes, too much opinion, too much akusala. May it be as it is and come what may.

Thank you, dear, understanding and good wishes are very much appreciated.

@tinh quang
I wait for your mail. on fb? And hope you are very well. How is not-self doing :o)

@ manfred
I wrote a looong answer to your comment but deleted it then. Enough i said. But thank you for you comment.
Hast du mal in einem der kloester ajahn chah's practiziert? Warst/bist du moench?

Thursday, November 5, 2009

robe and bowl

the following i wrote as an answer to a monk i know when he was suggesting to give nun robes and bowls. as it took me so long to write it on the mobile, i'll use it as a post here as well:

Your idea about giving us nuns bowls and robes is not bad, but ...
It's not suitable in real life. Monastic life runs on the conventional level, you have enough experiance with it. There is moha, dosa and lobha involved, it's being in samsara.
Generally nuns serve and work for the monks and after that they are allowed to give them merits.
Thai nuns do most times not want to have bowls and don't like, same as many monks, the aspect of having to go on almsround.
There are exeptions, of course, amongst Thaiwomen and foreign nuns - of which i'm one.
I have a bowl and wear a brown robes [both mae chi stile, this small zorro-cape-like and a monksrobe] and do go on almsround.
Presently i stay in a city monastery and go at least to one nun and the kitchen for alms. Outside is not allowed because even the monks don't go on pindabat outside the monastery.
My brown robe is accepted most times but the monksrobe has to be worn hidden. Outside of the monastery i'm in danger to be arrested if i wear it. Once i was rebuked by an hysteric monk for wearing brown. Your suggestion to just wear the robes is not realizable hear in thailand, unless you have good advocats and enough money.
I'm not the one who fights for female rights in buddhism the only fight fought by me shall be for nibbana.
Even if one could wear the same robes as monks - non of the monks would accept a nun as for anything else then now, to serve, work, making merits.
They would not want to loose some of their donators to the receivers side and to have to share their donations with women.
Why 8 precepts and not 10,?That would make nuns at least similar to novices. Then the nuns can't give merits anymore. Simple reason.
Again, there are exeptions, some monks are really understanding and helpful. That's why i'm still in robes.
The lay-people are ready for bhikkhunis out of my experiance, some of those i had the chance to talk with have high hopes that bhikkhunis can bring back monastic disciplin and they are upset and annoyed by the behavior of monks but do not dare to stop making merits to them.
I do have the aspiration to become bhikkhuni one day. But definately not for the prize of a split in the sangha, not for propaganda or feministic motives.
Just to live the holy life.
The life of which the Buddha said it leads to freedom from suffering.
Most monks do not see that the patimokkha is a juwel, they wear it like a burden, not like a crown. They have forgotten that meditation is to see clearly and to find liberation and not to get the missing hours of sleep [meditation during ceremonies] or just a little unconvenience that makes chanting longer then necessary.
some of the nuns and, yes, some of the monks as well, honestly strive for nibbana, try to be worthy ones.
The monks don't have to worry, they are supported, even if they break the rules.
But the nuns, ... we can use the soap and toothpaste monks leave behind ...
I was told be happy not to have so much bothering rules, to be happy with 8, because i'm allowed much more things to do. Then i was asked to do some gardening, like cutting branches and put flowers in earth.
But i deeply understand why the Buddha made the rules of not digging soil not breaking even grass and can't do tat anymore. I understand the danger of touching money and making bowlhords or storage of food.
And so on and so on.
Nuns are supposed to do all the things monks can not do. And when one doesn't do, one is a lazy parasite of the community.
So, how liberation should be possible for a nun?
There are lots of examples why just wearing monksrobes and having a bowl is not enough to grant the same chances to live the holy life for nuns.

It's very upsetting, that modern skilled monks like Dhammanando stick more to the letter then to compassion. I had hoped to find a supporter in him.

It seems, every rule can be broken without shame, except those which would enable a nun to live the holy life.
Maybe a new buddhist monastic lifeform has to be installed for those, men and women, willing to live according to the principles. Equal rights, equal obligations, equal rules, equal robes and equal treatment in case of breaking rules, then name it as you wish and let men and women who seriousely strive for nibbana live in seperate but not to far seperated communities and help eachother to live as the Buddha told.

Equality on conventional level is out of reach and equality on ultimate level is not necessary to be mentioned.

under shock

Some hours later ...
I happen to read about the latest ongoings after a bhikkhuni ordination took place in australia, with help of ajahn brahm and ajahn sujato.
I came to read ajahn sujatos blog, here is the link:

Ajahn brahm has been expelled from Wat pah pong for enabelling bhikkhuni ordination and the english branch of wat pah pong under ajahn sumedho has reacted in a blameworthy manner, well, and not to speak about the reaction of many thai ajahns at and related to wat pah pong, they were the initiators of the campain against ajahn brahm.

It was a sad day for the Buddhist world. A sad day. The Dhamma was mistreated. The women blamed.
The doors to development of a pure, openminded and modern buddhism in the west has been closed.

I'm not sure yet what to do. We do not belong to wat pah pong and the ajahn chah sangha.
Our ajahn is open to bhikkhuni ordination, although he cannot dare to openly promote it.
I feel like leaving thailand, disrobing and find a cave or a hut somewhere where i can practice true buddhism without getting involved with any monastics who are trampeling the lord Buddhas teaching with their feet.
I will wait for ajahn to come back to see his reaktion on all this.

If anyone who reads this knows a cave or a hut where i could stay and try to survive by going on almsround and teaching meditation, do not hesitate, let me know.
Ahh, no! Cave sounds great for a from-the-world-misunderstood little silly nun but is not suitable for a woman according to the Buddha. A hut then. or another place with door and lock.

I could ordain as katholic nun instead, they at least try to be open. :o)
And many of the dhammatalks for the lay i have the chance to hear are the same, if you do evil you go to hell, if you do good, you go to heaven.
No, i'm kidding!
at this center are no Dhammatalks, at least not for the foreigners unless i give one and mine are short and about meditation and mindfulness.
Yes, polemic.
The Dhammatalks given here for the laity in thai are quite profound - from what i'm translated.

I should close the door to my room again, through away my mobile and practice meditation until i can proof that a lay person who becomes an arahant dies within one day or seven days after attaining nibbana. King milinda asked about that ... And here in thailand is said 7 days after becoming an arahant one will die if one is not fully ordained.
My bet is: 'I' will die the very same day. And if the body is still alive or not is not so very important anymore then.
This is not the reason why i feel i need to be a bhikkhuni, i don't fear death so much, sickness and old age are much more inconvenient.
Dying is just one moment in a process of arising and ceasing of many diffrent processing sensations. But living ... Well, as said earlier, 'there is suffering'. And altough it is understood, it still is.
november 1st was a sad day for buddhists, for women, for the pure and genuine Dhamma.
may the ajahns of wat pah pong who created this shism in the sangha by chasing out ajahn brahm be reborn in thailand as women with the aspiration to live the holy life. and may the australien new independent sangha be growing in harmony.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Bhikkhuni ordination ...

For one happy day i had thought i had found someone who was willing to give me bhikkhuni ordination after 2 years being mae chii, which would be next summer, accepting my being mae chii as the samaneri-time.
What a joy at heart!
I was ready to pack my robe and bowl to leave to sri lanka.
Next morning the dream was over. It was just an illusion. As actually everything is. Disenchantment.
But disenchantment is kind of a helpful state for someone who wants to see clearly. One looks at situations as they really are.
This is a mens world. Monks are men. And most of them are too busy with other things and don't find the time to study the Dhamma, Abhidhamma and read the vinaya, so they are not to blame that they don't understand.
Just a stupid coincidence that they are in a position to rule and control womens affairs.

a break

Another break. Loi kratong, the light festival is over and i finished my retreat, so far.
For a week or so i will rest and meditate much less.
A funny story happend ...
A new monk is giving instruction to the foreign newcomers. I noticed a couple of differences between his instruction and the original of this temple and managed somehow to kindly tell this monk that he is not instructing according to the temples norms - without him getting angry.
Yesterday i gave my usual dhammatalk to the new people and was expecting the monk would come back afterwards but he didn't. so i kept on going with the next set of instruction the meditation and noticed another difference between the monks way of instructing walkingmeditation and the original. Next morning i informed the monk about the mistake.
He was sure he was right and i wrong and left me mildly smiling standing where i was.
Later he met me and angry asked if i showed it wrong to the new meditators and if so, i had to go to them, apologize and tell them to do as he said.
After meditating so much the last months i was rather unmoved by this and ready to go and apologize although i was 100% sure that i was right. But i had no intention to fight for it. So i said we should do it as ajahn sais and consult him when he is back from his trip. mildly smiling i went away.
Then, short later he had met another monk who did the job earlier and asked him about walking meditation. When we next met he admitted that he made a mistake.

P.s.: next morning. The monk came with some soap [which is very welcome] and asked for forgiveness.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

first noble truth

First noble truth
There is suffering, dukkha [pali].
Suffering has to be understood.
Suffering is understood.
This is the beginning of the buddhas first teaching after his enlightenment.
Suffering is inherent in everything - even in situations of happyness, because they are impermanent and not obedient to our will, out of control.
Sickness, old age and death are suffering.
Not to become what one wants, become what one doesn't want is suffering.
Not to have what one wishes to have, have what one does not wish to have is suffering.
To be away from people one wants to be with, to be with people one doesn't want to be with is suffering.
The range of suffering is wide, from almost not noteable to unbearable and everything in between.
One meets a beloved friend after a long time, pure happyness. ? One may not yet notice the suffering because one is busy taking pictures to always keep this moment in mind ,it's so sad to be away from each other after meeting ... Suffering, isn't it?
Of course there are grosser sufferings, then one cries, laments, gets angry, upset, sad, furious etc. accusing others or fate that it is as it is. These states we note easily and learned more or less to live with it. they are all dukkha.
Sometimes one is just overwhelmed by suffering. One yells, freaks out is loosing control, beats others, kills, suicides.
In any of these cases one is taking it personal. My fate, my anger, my unhappyness, my miserable situation ... i don't like, i just hate, i want, i wish i could ... I suffer! Always!
Is that so?
Here an example of latest insights:
5 m away from the room i stay in they are constructing since a month now. It is really noisy. I could have gone somewhere, where it's more quiet but decided to just keep practicing in my room as usual.
I could easy have felt anger and could have suffered because these workers bothered me so much.
But they didn't mean it personal.
It's just that workers were there, money for the salery was availible, tools, mashines and material was brought, the place was there - conditions that made a construction possible.
With or without me present. It has nothing to do with 'me'. There was a body noting rising, falling, sitting, hearing, a mind recognizing, thinking, acknowledging ... But that's another story.

That i was there as well, was a result of past karma. [and not really bad karma, i bet, because i was fortunate enough to learn out of this] again a nother story.

Construction sites are impermanent, tomorrow they finish.

Friday, October 30, 2009


As if i was on a noisy colerful faire, had enough of it and went to a cave where, so i was told by going through entirely i would find perfect peace.
I walked deeper and deeper into the cave, sometimes - scared i ran back, even back out to the faire, just to find out that a faire is nothing for me. Deeper in the cave it's calm sometimes, no sound no light from the outside comes here. Some places are illuminated by a mysterious glimmering light, inviting to stay, giving light to many very interesing things in the chamber of the cave, pretending this is it, the goal, the end of search. But by further examination it comes clear: this is not the goal.
So further again, through the tunnels of this cave, deeper and deeper. the way back impossible to go. The way ahead? Who knows.
Many people enter such a cave. Some turn back half way through and teach the world some half way truth. Some go back and boost how brave the have been. Many stay in one of those chambers with glimmering light, honestly thinking this is It. Few get to the other end and out there to freedom of suffering.
May i have the strength to go on, further, forth, out of the darkness into the light of nibbana.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

endless ...

On retreat again. Difficult! Very difficult.
I can concentrate resp. be mindful just 40 -45 minutes, no matter how much i determine not to move for 60 minutes, i start moving, jumping up etc. Since some days now. Lots of time while meditation wasted with drowsiness. Not thinking very much more just sitting there dump.
I'm definitely escaping, or at least trying to. Don't want to meditate anymore at all. It's boooooooring. 12 hours rising and falling of breath or lifting, moving, etc., daydreaming: forbidden, thinking: too tired. Sweeping and report are the only entertainments. Well, and writing blog. [shouldn't write]
the task i choose is eventually too difficult. Eradicate liking and disliking or greed and hatred or dosa and moha or however you name it.
It's what has to be done, of course. But phalañani is just a little nun and silly, not to forget.
... Ahhhrg!!
want my mama, want my dog, a little greed a little anger, what does that matter? Rest, rest, sleeeeep.
I have no idea, honestly, how i get this body out of bed at two in the morning and make these feet walk.
One week no vomits, at least ... One more week, then kitchen team changes, everything is impermanet.
These boring states of agonie as well. Eyes shut, phalañani and go through.

Monday, October 26, 2009

strong woman

Mother is o.k., the surgery was without problems and that what was suspected to be cancer turned out to be harmless.
Second time i didn't need to go to germany. Relief. I would have gone in both cases without hesitation and complaints [do i say now, not going].
My mothers spouse gets along with the dog-i-love quite well although he, the spouse, can hardly walk.

I took chance to meditate either on metta [loving-kindness] for my mother or on impermanence and the suffering that results of old age and sickness and impressed myself with coolness about the ongoings. Only a week or two ago i cried like a child because i can't help my mother [i didn't knew by then, that she was not well and was more concerned about not being able to help her to get out of samsara]. Now i was clear and calm but prepared to act.

The plans to travel and be around and about while ajahn is not here changed. I just went one afternoon to met some people i know. It was nice to meet them, but i felt i have nothing to do out there in this world. In a place, where i was waiting i saw a part of a computeranimated movie, something like mars attacs goldengatebridge was destroeyed. Saw just a minute, but it was not easy not to be sucked into it. I used to like such computeranimated movies.
I'm still attached to movies, to orange superkitchy sunsets, dogs ...
So, I'm better on retreat again.

for tinh quang

Dear tinh quang,
sorry, that's written since long but i dont find the comment to add it there.

Very good to hear from you! And thank you very much for your compassion. It does good to know on the other side of the world someone cares.
yesterday the kitchenteam changed and the next two weeks i will receive garlic free food, i'm promised. I go with my almbowl to the kitchen and eat what i get. It's ok.
Yesterday i had a bowl full of fruit for lunch and today rice and fried egg. Another nun sometimes comes and brings some snacks sometimes.
As soon as i can go out to the village for almsround it will be better i guess. before i came here, to this monastery, i had no problems with thai-food.
If ever possible i will not eat after 12:00 h but lately i often take soymilk in the afternoon.
I wrote that right after receiving your comment. Now since vomits since then.

I will not, like you did, take a bodhisattva vow. in theravada we look for own enlightenment first, that's difficult enough, but on the way i hope to be able to touch and teach many people and help as much as possible beings to find the path which leads towards the end of suffering.

I send you a long, warm, sisterly hug and rejoyce in your luck to be bhikkhuni now.

Friday, October 23, 2009

die mam

My mother is in hospital, this morning i received the message from my aunt. A heart surgery, they have to put a bypass and to do another operation. I don't have detailed information now but prepare to leave to germany to help when she comes out of hospital.
Presently i wait for news and info wether to go or not.

We are, indeed, fragile and tomorrow, indeed, death may come.

grumpy nuns

Grumpy nuns
Before i came here to this monastery i thought i will never be able to be amongst these grumpy old nuns for 3 month, now after 3 month and a half i know: most of these nuns are wonderful beings and the grumpy one - that's me.

I had an appointment to talk about future with Ajahn, it was done quick: 'you can stay' he said, that was it.
The bhikkhuni showed a little bit enthusiasm when i mentioned i will probabely stay [but don't give up the forest entirely for now].
Where- and whenever i find a place to ordain as bhikkhuni, afterwards i will be welcomed to stay here.

Someone accused me i only want to become a bhikkhuni to get a higher seat and better food.
If this was or will be my motivation for bhikkhuni ordination then i would really not be worth it.
Yesterday i heard that wanting to be bhikkhuni is wanting to make politics and fight for womans liberation.
Well when i was 16 i read articles of alice schwarzer, the german feminist and fought for womens rights, with 20 i was through with it, more or less ...
I just want to be a bhikkhuni and sit somewhere to strive for nibbana, with the blessings and privileges and rules and burdens of a fully ordained person, because the buddha said that's the way to freedom of suffering.
Life is short, tomorrow death may come, who knows.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


Kathina ceremony is done and we can go back to routine. In my case it means meditation, meditation.
Ajahn tong came to attend our ceremony but he was weaker than last time, stayed short and didn't give much blessings. I was lucky and somehow was kneeling between our ajahn and ajahn tong and on one side i received a 'tock' with the fan on my head and from the other side i was showerd with paritta-blessed water.
The trip to the forest and the ceremonies made my loose equanimity a bit. Before the trip i had very little thoughts during meditation and 3 - 4 hours sleep was really enough, i was happy and peaceful. Now thinking is back and i need 6 - 8 hours sleep, don't even hear alarm clocks.
Mind is ok, just not tranquil but body is quite bad since more then one week.
mindful vomiting. Can't just be the garlic that causes troubles.
But i don't want to speak or think about it anymore. I go with my almsbowl to the kitchen, give a blessing and eat what i receive, sometimes i vomit, sometimes not. I break the rule of not keeping food and gather fruits 2 - 3 days until i have enough for an entire meal.
So far i don't have signs of being malnutritioned and i still have some multivitamins, so i will eventually survive :o)

long time

Long time since last entry.
Meanwhile the vassa is over tomorrow we will have kathina ceremony, today we already have hundreds of people here, it's a busy coming and going, as soon one leaves the room, one stumbles over people. For the amount of people around it's estonishing silent.
Tonight we have a first ceremony.
I was at the forest for two days it was wonderful. The dogs are not in best shape but ok., the puppy almost freaked out when it saw me. It howeld, jumped and peed whenever it saw me.
The mother dog was quiet. This dog has seen and understood suffering and is taking it with humble dignity. It's an incredible dog.
For about one week i thought i would travel to germany and already informed the family but now it turnes out that i will not go. The organizer can not pay 4 flights, only 3 and there are not enough rooms. And to be honest, they don't really need me there, people nowadays speak english and ajahn as well.
Not to go to germany gives me time to visit some friends and other monasteries. I'm just sorry for my mum because she was so happy to see me.
I'm now oficially invited to stay here and continue practice hopefully i can speak about future before he goes to germany. See if he really will support me for being bhikkhuni.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

good idea

HA! Haha. So stupid and blind ... I tryied to get rid of attachments and things or begings i'm attached to.
There is nothing to get rid of. how could that be forgotten.
'Getting rid of' is a violant act hurting everybody involved.
Nobody can't get rid of anything.
Just, when attachment arises it has to be noticed through mindfulness, transformed into non-attachment through restraint, concentration or wisdom, and in the best case remain transformed through understanding.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

just to have mentioned

With telling i didn't feel anger about the ride in the bus, the noise, the rulebreaking, being squeezed in, etc., i don't want to claim that i have mastered dosa [anger, disliking, hatred], not at all.
It comes up often enough to know i have a lot of work to do. For instance when some little mean ants are biting my legs while meditation.
Fear is rooted in dosa, and although i lost my panic about spiders in size of my palm or about scorpions, i can't say i am without fear.


Last night was the hardest night since long. At least since i was sitting in front of the buddhastatues crying and taking farewell of the world because i thought i was dying.
Last night i realized that i can't help my mother, my brother and sister and dog. Especially mother and dog ... I feel so responsable for them and want to help them. How nice.
But it's selfish clinging. Tztztz.
It's not that they can't live without me, rather i can't live without them. What is the wish to help - the wish to control. Same as the worries the other day.
The point is not to not love them, but to love them in a way without clinging.


Oh, oh, the instructor asked me to help him with a swiss and a japanese girl, to check if they understood everthing and explain some about meditation, he wanted to come later.
I started to explain, the instructor came back, but had me continue, when we were in the middle of checking walking meditation, he interrupted.
No problem so far, i expected that he will take over. His snatching back his meditation cushion while saying 'enough mae chii, you can go', was a little weird, though.
What i had not expected was the reaction of the girls. They got up, almost yelling NO!, the japanese said, 'i go with you, i want to follow your instruction, i dont stay with him', both their cushions in hands.
What to do, what to do?
The swiss girl was ready to go, he asked harsh 'where do you go?' 'please practice with him', said i when i left the room.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Happy birthday

Today we went to the pre-celebration of ajahn Tongs birthday which is tomorrow - we'll go again.
Two hugh busses, some vans and several cars full of monks, nuns and laypeople.
I was sitting with some other nuns in a bus full of lay.
Laypeople and me, that's like water and oil, you can't mix it. Like the sun and the moon, the don't come together. Like a round pot and a square cover, it doesn't fit.
They were happy to be able to break rule of not talking, they wanted to break the rule of not listening to music and turned radio on, but the driver turned it off, fortunately!
Monks birthday parties are always the same. Sitting, chanting, kreeping [for the laypeople], sitting, ... the more important the monk, the more people are present. Ajahn Tong has the monastery full of people for 3 days.

Next day same procedure. On the way to chom tong i was squeezed in between the window and a rather big [weight 3 times me] woman who had fallen asleep. Some month ago this would have been tourture for me, horror, now i kept cool, watched my breath and was wondering why i was not angry or displeased. i tried to be mindful all day and failed sometimes.
In the afternoon i was almost kicked knock out, because ajahn Tong through little coins wrapped in colorful material into the audience, as i was sitting quite close many coins came in my direction. i was the last one around who remained seated, the others krept, with a hush of hystery, on the floor trying to catch coins. Then two people realized that i don't catch and that there are some coins underneath and around my chair. In that moment i was just a bothering obstacle which had to get out of way, no matter what. a usually peaceful lady pushed me aside and started diving between the chairs, butt up. After getting all coins, must have been 5 - 6, she realized that her butt was in a half fallen nuns face and with a shy excuse she dissapeared.
I took two coins which had fallen onto my laps.
On the way back the bus was full and about 20 people nun included, had to wait an hour for another bus to come. Apart from those detailes, the ceremonies were really nice and it was an honor and a pleasure to be present and close to the radiant, great monk Ajahn Tong.

Monday, September 21, 2009

news ticker

News ticker:
- after talking with the mae chii mentioned here, i'm given garlic-free food again. Mae chii sukjai's special task. in fact, there are still two bhikkhunis staying here, they just don't eat in the diningroom. so the kitchen nuns don't prepare food just for me, which makes it easier for me to deal with this extra-service.

- the kitchen nuns are so much better at heart then i will ever be.
May i learn humbleness and be worthy of their help.

- dear shinmei dokujo i answer your here: no, i don't feel like copeing. But i meditate enough not to stir up in mind. I won't change thaiculture, thaiwomen have to do it themselves.

- i make people cry ... A girl asked for a blessing, when i finished she had tears in her eyes; another girl cryed while i gave her instruction and later everytime she spoke with me and another girl's eyes were full of tears when i gave a dhammatalk about buddhist basic knowledge.

- pawn, a very tough thaiwomen, 'not scared of anything', comes when she sees me and either kneels down or hugs me and sais 'i love you', i love you, your my mother'.
it would be eventually o.k. if i were a great being, worth it but trust me i'm not.
life is easier alone in the forest.

- 'now get rid of your attachments', sais ajahn. When trying, i want to escape, fall asleep, do some cleaning ... facing the attachment to 'my' dog led 3 times to uncomfortable sleep while sitting in meditating. i just block. told it ajahn, he laughed.

- i'm asked to go to germany, warburg in october to help ajahn with a retreat. Hope to see some of you! More on this later.

- yesterday we did first paritta chanting for ajahn Tongs birhday which is on sept. 21.

- skipping 2ond paritta chanting and do some hours of meditation instead, guess that's in ajahn Tong's sense. Although it would be a good excuse not to meditate ...

- o.k., so far i see that attachment is just a state of mind, getting rid of it is not more than a change of mind, as it seems. Knowing this doesn't mean that i automatically can do it.

- through with paritta chanting. Was tired and lazy a few days, which means i meditated only 10 hours instead of 12 - 14. Wanted to sleep more, almost could not get up after 4 hours.
Then felt strong again, need more mental power and concentration ...

- The try to sew a pair of long under-trousers failed. Have to try again otherwise it will be dam cold in germany.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Funny coincidence

Since 2 days garlic again, no more extrafood, which i understand, to be honest. The bhikkhunis left, so i'm the only one who askes for food without garlic. Hence, i do mindful vomiting and have diarreah again. I'll eat rice with sauce for now and receive snacks and fruit sometimes. that'll do.

Today in the afternoon i was sweeping leaves around the kuti of a kitchen-nun, when she came out and started to ask where i come from. 'Germany', i said. 'germans have a lot of money', said she. I tried to tell her that economy is going down, i'm not sure wether my gestures with the arms could explain the whole extend of recession in europe. She frankly asked if i have money. I went to get the thai-book and tried to explain that i get donations sometimes and i use some of it for telefone and internet to stay in touch with my family, friends and students, for visa and robecloth, but that i don't want to touch money - like a monk, [i shouldn't have said that because most thai monks handle money without seeing fault in it] because it's not good and the buddha said monks and nuns should not touch it. 'Ohh! I touch money and i like it.' was her spontaneous answer, 'but i don't get some'. [which i know is not true because i gave her the envelope i received a week or 2 ago and i know it contained money.]

Wanting to go back to the forest, to be alone, to leave thailand. But who am i to judge, now as i found out that defilements are really deep rooted in my mind.
Not only compassion [karuna]is lacking, some more patience [khanti] might be helpful, too.


thought it might be good to start the course all over again. Here we go.
I felt so much compassion and worry for a friend. And was wondering why Buddha said compassion is wholesome while worry is unwholesome.
Doesn't seem correct on the first sight ...
Worry [kukkuca] is rooted in anger. Compassion [karuna] is pure.
An example. We see somebody loosing weight because of not eating much for a reason we don't know. When we feel worry, we want to change the sitation to make it as we want it to be. We have the conceit that we know better than the other. If we can't change we get angry and eventually start to quarrel. So, there is indeed anger, wanting, conceit, even if we mean good. A worried person would try to oblige the other one to eat to not become thinner, without asking for or respecting the other ones motivation not to eat.
Compassion is pure and not influenced of our own views and wishes. A compassionate person would, in the same case, be there, waiting with some food, in case the other one needs it and does not insist if the other don't takes the food.

May i get rid of the pride to be a compassionate person and of all worry and become truly compassionate.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

latest insights

Oh, here are the latest insights:
[ajahn askes every day if i have any new insights]
Letting go is an active process. One has to open the hand to release what one holds in it and same, on has to open the heart and mind to release all the stupid thoughts, wrong views, and defilements one holds on to.

Life is a mere process of changing events and changing sensations. A process. Not a fixum.


Got through the course quickly and worked on equanimity for some days. I'm having a different determination this time. Ajahn calls it 'natural determination'. I continue 4 hours sleep and 10 - 14 hours practice.
This time it's really going good and i hope i can at least keep the sleeping rythem and get the same results in meditation, when practicing only 6 hours and be mindful the rest of the time.
Ajahn confirmed my former thought that the 8 fold noble path is to be followed, not only mindfulness which is only one part of 8.
I still often struggle with equanimity. Although i am really peaceful sometimes, i know that it is only on the surface. I felt like a cool lake where formerly a volcano was active, but under the quiet surface it's very vivid ...
The chest and heart is opening. I have a tention in the left shoulder and a tendency to bend a litte to the left since i can think. Some days ago the chest cracked open again, today the shoulder. The heart seems to have grown. My faith in the Buddha and his teaching were hugh already now it's enormous.
In some moments i feel incredibly much love and compassion. Where to put it? In a smile.
in other moments i see the defilements that are left. So many and i guess i only see the pieck of the iceberg.
Since more then 2 month i leave my room only for report, eating, and sweeping. [with very few excepcions like going to immigration office] under these circumstances it's easy to calm down and control defilements.

interim report

No more back pain since some days even when sitting and walking straight for 14 hours daily. The back used to hurt after 6 hours meditation. At night feet are very tired and i feel tention in the right leg and left shoulder while sitting.
Wonder if that as well dissapears. Man, who have thought that. When i strarted, with vipassana, i could sit in full lotus for 40 minutes, but halflotus was painful and walkingmeditation was torture. In my first course i felt as if i have to pull heavy loads when walking, at night i krept crying on all four. Sometimes i fell over like fading. Sitting was easier but compared with how i sit now it was torture as well.
If anybody who reads this suffers from having the "restless legs": practice meditation excessively. I had it and often couldn't sleep because legs were itching and twitching. Now it's 99% gone and only is back when i happen to meditate less then 4 hours.

Monday, August 31, 2009

the game

And now what???
I have the key - mindfulness; i know the hidden door that leads to freedom.
Now i just have to go there and open the door with the keys.
Cross the swamp of forgetting, find the antidote for the poison of delusion that i took for 50 years, get through the mirror labyrinth of 'i-conceite', pass through the tumbes of suffering, solve the riddle of impermanence, win the battle against time, and by the way free the princess moral out of the dragos claws, get the holy gral of knowledge, never loose the keys of mindfulnes, which is in fact bound around the neck of a butterfly which flies from dream to dream.
The fun is, it's a realtime game.


The other day Ajahn told me to read in my heart because the abhidhamma is there, sais he.
So i dared a closer look today at the part of heart that is the jail [was writing about feeling like going into jail earlier ...].
Had some kind of weird vision when i approached and opend the imaginary door to my heart.
Phsiummm - a knife came flying. Looking around from a safe place i saw 3 little girls, one almost a kripple, bended back a stuttering, a shy one, injured. another one insane, with eyes open wide, silent motionless but about to jump up furiouse for defense. The third one horrified, terrified hiding in a corner not able to breath of fear to be seen lurking for escape.
Poor little ones.
First monsters now girls, wonder what else i keep hidden there.
These things i see are not real, and when i say 'seeing, seeing, seeing' they dissapear. they are mere reflections of mindstates and help me to understand where to work next.
Last night i stayed awake long and meditated, on a walk through the monastery in the very early morning i saw light in some rooms, people awake like me and practicing.
the resume of this night: the experiences on makes, deeds one does and thoughts one thinks leave a print in mind, like a thumb leaves a print on glass. thus mind accumulates 'good' and 'bad' of ones experiences, thoughts and deeds. as a result one thinks one is such and such a person with such and such a character. But in reality one is just the sum of experiences, thoughts and deeds which are repeated because mind flows the known way, like water flows the same stream.
body and mind are depending on eachother and are both very limited.
anger can be transformed into loving-kindness, when catched at the very beginning, before anger manifests itself and leaves its print and a mental or/and physikal reaction.
Greed, wanting can be overcome by being restaint.
For both it is essential to have right understanding, right effort and right mindfulness.
I slept a little and had a short meditation before breakfast.
Now, make theory practice, phalañani.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

impermanence of mind states

Did i say yesterday i'm ready to die. Well, for one heroic moment it was true, but reallity now is - i'm not.
One step ahead, two back.
Yesterday: going swiftly, in quick succession through some stages of meditation until coming to a certain point.
Today: no concentration no ability to observe breath or anything else and if i come to a cetain stage of peacefulness, then immediately my dog comes to my mind, after that i see other attachments and defilements. Which is obviously better than not seeing them, sure ... But ...
Ajahn almost laughed tears when i told him how my mind tricks me.
I told him again of the urgent feeling to ordain as bhikkhuni, again he laughed. I said: you can laugh, you are wearing the robes. He said he understands. Meanwhile i shall practice and behave like a monk and try to get rid of these defilements.

This morning i met a woman with whom i once shared taxi. She is from bangkok but comes here about 5 times per year. She was early preparing for almsgiving. When she saw me she donated some fruit and sweets to me, then other women, friends of her came and gave as well. So no lunch today but some almost-almsround-food. Later, when i left my room to sweep, someone donated medicine to me. I donated it to the bhikkhuni, when i came back someone gave me even more fruit and snack. Funny, i live far away from where almsfood is given, comes unusual and unexpected.
Enough now, back to the cushion.

Friday, August 28, 2009


After working on the first 2 days on the same thing, i rushed through the next back and forth several times. No doubt, the wish to get out of the rounds of rebirth is very strong. But i don't find enough equanimity always. Have to work on this harder. Still too tangled in this tangle.
Last retreats i saw much lobha kilesa, now i see more dosa.
Felt like an onion, if one peels away the laiars, on has to cry a lot but in the end there is nothing left, no core, no cry, no onion. Wonder how many laiars this nama-rupa-onion has. :o)
Ajahn asked me in my first reatreat of this vassa if i'm ready to die. I just laughed, knowing i'm not. Now i am. Not that i want to or have any intention to suicide - far away from that! But this 'I' that ego worm, may it rest in peace.
A monk was yelling at the kitchen nuns, i went and stood there silent, he dissapered but came back next day, yelled again, i went again, asked him a question aubout a completely different term to get him away from the kitchen, it turned out that he lyed to me when he answered.
It took me both times i was in contact with him a full set of walking and sitting meditation to get rid of the anger. I had some quite unwholesome thoughts the worst was: going and ask if menstruation didn't come. Nasty! But i decided to say or do nothing at all except being mindful and friendly.
No more unwholesomeness may arise from the phalanyani-nama-rupa. A task i will fail to fulfille a lot, but one grows with the tasks, no?

This early morning i had 2 thoughts:
1. Instead of sitting and watching the leaves and dirt passing by i will go to the source, the well and clean it.
2. Letting go is an active process, one has to open the hand to release an item one holds on to and one has to open the heart to release the defilements.

Nadya was waiting at my door to bring back things that i gave her. I was again upset, but then found other people happy to have the things. She's on course as well. May she find freedom.


I'm on retreat again. Diffrent then usually, i say myself if i stay with one nyana for only hours or for days.
Thought i will do the first in one hour ... But decided after one day to continue and look deeper, if possible. Rising and falling, all about impermanence.
I asked if i can continue reading the abhidhamma but ajahn said, no, read in your heart not in books.
Today i was rebuked because i meditated only 10 hours, do 12! But now i can read little. It really helps, before i acknowledged a feeling or a thought, now i know right away if it's wholesome or unwholesome and in the latter case i can let go right away of the feeling or thought.
While walking meditation i try to seperate intention which is a mere impulse from volition, one second from the next,
Things are happening too fast, i need milliseconds and don't have the time to fully say in mind what i note. I acknowledge and know that i know.
But then again - long periods of drowsiness. Wanting to get up from sitting before the alarm rings ...

The shape of the body dissapeared and i saw millions of cells, glimmering and then changing form, rushing through different bodies or forms in quick alteration. some cells always vanishing, dying, others appering so fast, that it was not easy to see, that they all dissaper at their time. It was interesting, breathtaking. at one moment, when the cells had millepede-form, it was short black because a bigger form stepped on 'my' millipede-form and i took chance to say "seeing, seeing" and go back to the rising and falling of the abdomen.

Monday, August 24, 2009

41 days

Only 41 or so days left. Now i'm more learning than practicing. The eyes hurt from neon light every day all day. I was reading more in the web pages of the santi forest monastery. The essays and writings about bhikkhuni ordination kept me busy.
I strongly recommend to everybody interested in bhikkhuni to visit the pages. I don't have the link now but search in google for santi forest monastery.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

kitchen aid

Helped in the kitchen instead of meditating. Help was welcome. Later a novice and nadya came to help as well. Mushroom-cutting-noodle-seperating-egg-peeling-onion-peeling-meditation.
First it felt like waste of time, [i should humble go on almsround, thats proper] but presently everything appears like a waste of time to me - meditation and learning Dhamma excluded.
I have to keep in mind that, for the kitchen nuns, it's not a waste of time to prepare extrafood without garlic for the bhikkhunis and me. They do it with so much love and devotion. It's not easy to bear all their goodness without feeling ashame and guilty. Guilty for having something extraordinary like a garlic allergie and ashame because i will never be half as good at heart as they are.

It's so much better without garlic! No more stomach ache vomits and diarrea since then.
The people of 'my' village, where i used to go on almsround cook with garlic as well but they dont cut it in very small pieces and i sorted it out with the meat for the dogs.
... Hope to visit wat suan pa soon with nadya and sue, a thai-meditator.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


As i mentioned i was once actrice at theater, long ago already. We worked with lee strasberg's method acting. Very interisting method and we had a good coach.
Instead of stumbeling over the scene to find out where to say and do what, we worked our characters lying on the foor or sitting in a chair, eyes closed - we researched the properties of the charakters, their way of speaking, thinking, moving, their postures, feelings like that.
We scanned our bodies with our minds in search for useful 'material': Points in size of a pin head wherever in the body.
Due to past experience cells or cellgroups seem to have an information about a feeling related with a posture, a gesture, a tension, etc.. This were what we were looking for, spots where mind has related a feeling for some reason. [a little scar from an old hurt, a tension in the shoulder, a spot when remembered one can't stop giggeling and so on]
Interesting because it helps me now to understand the abhidhamma. About mind and matter, nama and rupa. the body does not remember anything, but mind knows and according to the work we did i can tell: mind, when trained, is able to remember every little spot of the body and every situation or feeling or thought related with it. When such a mind-matter coproduction is repeated, it will be memorized and tension, posture, thought, feeling of it will be established. If it is repeated often it becomes habit [or keypoint to enter into your stage character].
EVERYTHING is ruled by mind, made by mind. Mind is experiencing as long as the mind/matter combination is intact.
The most shocking of that work for me was to see how limited we are. Physically and in range of our feelings, we can either feel happy, unhappy our neutral; mindstates are either of wanting/liking/greed, not-wanting/disliking/hatred, or not knowing/delusion. This in variable combination and changing intensity. Each combination sepred, connected with each other just through thinking. Effect of something, cause for something. Thats all. No matter if it's a shakespear a modern author or a happening in our lifes.
Maybe not all of my time was wasted :o)

Friday, August 14, 2009


One week already out of retreat, I'm in my room with 3 abhidhamma books and try to memorize the tika matika.
That means: i'm reading books about the teaching of the buddha, those in which his teaching is comprised to the essential, in a logical, dry, analytical way.
What i understand is little but that little is so wonderful - it's either pali, the language of the buddha or english. Having meditated a lot helps, one has experienced what one reads.
In the beginning it's scaring - you see tables, list, diagramms, words that do not make any sense yet, even when written in a language your able to understand. Most discouraging is: i need 3 days to memorize a text i could memorize in three hours when i was younger and working in theater - and: nadya either knows it all already or reads for five minutes and then knows. last night i cried because i wasted so many years of my life not learning and understanding all this. Only short, after noting greed, jelousy and selfity as roots, i stopped rightaway and - as i reckon -there is still some time left to learn.
In this case my bothering stubbornness is supportive, i will not give up learning this treasure only because it's difficult or others can do better.
My dear mama said i shall not torture myself - but meditating the maximum possible or learning dhamma until falling asleep over the books is no torture - not knowing, not understanding is.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

ajahn tong

today my teachers teacher, ajahn tong came to visit. he is 85 years old and walks supported by one or two people. but only the body is old and weak his mind is clear, strong and vivid,today more then ever befor [of the few times i had the chance to hear him talk] and his dhammatalk was inspiring although i understood about one percent of the words he said.
i was just standing in front of the elevator, when the doors opend and he came out.
at the end before he left, i was lucky and walked along where he was sitting and waiting to be picked up, only few people were around and i received a blessing. he hits people with his fan on head or shoulder - usually there are long lines of people waiting to be beaten.
presently one thai bhikkhuni and 5 vietnames bhikksunis are staying here, ajahn tong greeted and encouraged them. generally bhikkhunis existence is neglected.
their being mentioning in the same breath with the monks and being adressed during the talk in front of 200 people gives rise to hopes.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

2. retreat

1. 2 hours sleep 15 meditating, no brandnew insight, just observing the arising and dissapearing of the breath and other internal or extrenal, through the sensedoors entering phenomena.
not tired at all.

2. 2 hours sleep, 14 meditation, dissolution - perfect fitting for meditation oject, at home jens is giving and throughing away all my things at home, home is given up.
thinking of my dog. suffering through love.

3. 4 hours sleep, 12 meditation, very tired, don't want to get up, cocentration bad, thinking about nonsense, about poor jens working hard at not-home-anymore, about dog, about where to go after vassa. wanting to ordain as bhikihuni, now.

4. 4 hours sleep, 14 meditation, exhausted, perception blurred, floor seems to move, feeling i cant go to the diningroom because either my head will fall into the plate and i'll snore loud or i strart to cry or to laugh hysterically. went to pindabat to offer my soymilk to the bhikkhuni, she gave me black chocolate and tea.
everything ok after breakfast, strong again.

5. 4 hours sleep, 12 meditation, thought i got rid of a difilement, was pround of it and noticed as a result that i have looots of them, more then i thought before. when i told ajahn, he smiled and said: "good, GOOD! not the defilements, but to see you have it, work harder now". i don't know how, i feel like a wrack already sometimes, but yes, i still have some hidden recources of energy.

6. 2 hours sleep, 16 meditation, i'm at my limits, but as i realized limits are deluded-mind-made. seeing all those defilements is absolutely discourageing. later: i don't have to root them out one by one, i just have to go straight for nibbana, then they vanish all at once. so don't waste time lamenting, phalanyani. and anyway defilements are just a theater play, a fool who belives it's true.

7. 3 hours sleep, 14 meditation, while meditation, peace, no wanting, no other defilement but going out of meditation all comes back to mind, wanto to get out of this room with people so close, want a separate kuti, want to go on almsround, want to be allowed to live the real holy life.
now find patiance, phalanyani.

8. 3 hours sleep, 14 meditation, this must be real equanimity. such a peace during meditation, absence of all that may bother - not all day and night but for some hours. ajahn sais: defilements are like the dangerous beings in the ocean, equanimity is sitting in a boat on the surface of the ocean and not being bothered by the oceans dangers.

9. no sleep, meditating all time available, but need some breaks. it's easy this time, feet hurt from walking so many hours but apart from this condition is good. perception changed, i see everything in short pictures like seeing a movie in its single pictures instead of seeing it as one flow. makes me feel dizzy. smells and sounds are extremely intense, almost painful. ajahn is encourageing with a fatherly loving smile.

10. no sleep, meditation as much as possible, feel calm, clear, peaceful, tall, relaxed but know of the impermanence of this state of mind.

next day wanting a separate kuti is back right away but much more relaxed. i know i don't need it, and it's only 2 months left. the wanting is a good meditation object, cause i know feeling uncomfortable here is mindmade and has nothing to do with the rooms, they are good - just not lonely and secluded.
went to almsround to give some tea to ajahn and bhikkhuni. my eyes are filling with tears - i miss wearing my monksrobe, feeling naked without it, and miss going on almsround - what holy life i'm living: like a thief.

Friday, July 31, 2009

1 retreat

1. 6 hour sleep, 12 meditating, arising of the hope to have a super-kuti and vanishing of that hope. stomachache since days, today vomits.

2. 6 hours sleep, 12 meditating, saw dea of my bodie's cells, dream about the world breaking apart, i have to jump and fly to get out of danger, pain in legs while walking, fear to continue course, going on means dying, everything vanishes, just not my defilement all i can do is subpress them, again vomits, wish i could vomit mentally to get rid of defilements, itching, pain on head, is someone drilling a hole in it? some selfpity start to cry, only short, then peace.

3. 5 hours sleep, 10 meditation, very calm and peaceful, knowing i have to leave everything and everyone behind to go further, short fear not to be able to, stomach pain, saw my grand ma, mother's mother she is a deity, burst out in tears and had goosescinall over, she said she saved my life twice since i'm in thailand, i thought it was more often. got a big hug from a vietnamise bhikkhuni who i don't know, angry about anatta, be a samurai and cut off all defilements

4. 4 hour sleep, 12 hours meditation, i see the danger in everythin, told ajahn, he can call me bhikkhu, descouraged, i never will get rid of defilements, pain in back, itching all over, bad concentration, want to give up, all wanting, not wanting, hoping must be eliminated, only way for now is subpress defilements
yes! i can get rid of them

5.4 hours sleep, 12 meditation, maybe i'm too weak, cocentration is bad, slept while sitting, moved between faith and the fear that i cannot advance and will end up as a grumpy, bitter old nun.letting go wanting makes me feel light until i think of my dog, i'll love it even if i never see it again, have to become a bhikkhuni, felt someone held a gun on my forehead and shoots, live leaves body, feels easy. ajahn askes are you ready to die, i sai, no.

6. 4 hours sleep, 10 hours meditation, noting of everything very difficult, impatience, pain, itching

7. 4 hours sleep 14 meditation, bad concentration in the evening, feeling changed in the morning,concentration strong, peace and faith, pain moderate only some cutting strong pain attaces in shoulder and feet. laa comes to meet me and brings some stuff from wat suan pa. sand running through the fingers, there is nothing in this world worth clinging onto as me or mine. no panic when i think of distatch from my dog, i can see it again, when i'm not attached anymore.

8. 4 hours sleep, 14 meditating, peace, equanimity, clam,

9. 0 hours sleep, wanting hahaha 24 meditation, have to relax, 20 hours is good enough. walking sometimes difficult at night, take the umbrella as support, in the early morning strike, no tiredness anymore, no pain or anything else bothering.

10. 0 hours sleep, 18 meditation, easy, determination to continue with 2 hours but not more then 4 for as long as possible, i want to work on cessation and make it more reliable. ajahn is very pleased, praises the work done and i can continue to come to see him for report.

11. 2 hours sleep, 10 hours meditation, some internet. dissolution of home is the next project. poor jens how has the work. i'm calm, cool, have fun to let home go. ajahn sets me on the next course. same procedure - again through all this. don't want but it has to be done, i suffer from a bad desease calld samsara, the symptoms - some ugly defilements, are causing pain. go through these retreats is the only cure, may it be bitter and hard to take.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

anicca, anatta, dukkha

everything changes, thoughts, people, views, circumstances ... impermanence all around. can we do something about that? no. because we're not the allmithy "I" we wish to be. we're just a conglumeration of material fitted with something called mind that thinks, cognizes, knows, remembers, etc.. always wanting - something to be or to have: to look good, to be rich, to have another nose, to have fun, to find peace, to be loved, to have food, to be happy ...

honestly, how many moments does one experience in life not wanting? including all hopes, wishes and not-wantings [aversions]. if there is such a rare moment one starts to enjoy it and wants it to last forever. what a trick.
it won't, of course, last long. pure happyness is already gone when the wish it may last occures. and sadness or anger arises. the process is the same if a tasty icecream drops, a beloved one leaves, we have to be where we don't want to be or millions are lost. only the intensity and duration of the suffering varies, not the fact that suffering is experienced.

hence we have to admitt suffering is omnipresent in our lifes.
so lets review: everything without exception is changing, falling apart, breaking, decaying, aging. thats what the Buddha ment by: sabbe anicca, all is impermanent, eternal.
we can't do anything about it because we are not an allmighty entity, we can't even tell our hair not to grow, or a cell not to die. we are very limited in our abilities. that's what is meant by: sabbe anatta, all is without self, without autocracy.
this is most irritating, unpleasent, isn't it? there is, obviously nothing to rely on, nothing to hold on. sooner or later it's all suffering, sabbe dukkha.
we may talk and dream to not have to face the suffering but be can't get out of this ...
the Buddha sais: yes, we can. more on this later.


in report i told ajahn that i saw a greedmonster with big eyes and big mouth sitting in my chest, with long thin fingers it tried furious to get, to reach, to hold, to cling and was hurting me with it's sharp nails. i told it not to worry, cause i'm going to end it's suffering.
i had unusual strong pain in my chest. no wonder maybe, after 8 hours walking and sitting meditation without break.
last night at about one, while sitting down after walking meditation the chest craked open loud.
little greedy one is still there. we had muffins this morning, after having eaten mine suddenly i was given more, and more, in the end i ate 3 and took 2 to the room.
as result: stomach ache and ants in the room. you see! happyness turns into suffering quickly :o)
getting up after 2 hours sleep is easier now. since more then a week i sleep between 0 - 4 hours at night, without cheating at day, honestly, 12 - 16 hours meditating. i wonder how long i can do but decided to do until either i fall asleep walking, feet are bleeding, vassa ends or defilements are eradicated. [my bet: fall asleep walking]


now consider your body, it's made of cells, millions, billions, of small cells that found together due to given circumstances to build this body. every cell is composed of some matter[material], a lot of water, recepy varies from cell to cell. every cell has inherent some information for its life. a cell of a fingernail knows to grow, a bloodcell knows where to carry what when, a braincell knows to send and recieve sparkles, cells of the immunsystem know to go into defense if needed. these cells do what has to be done and then die.
imagine, every cell would perform such a spectacle as the body-mind composure they are part of. :o)

1 year

one year ordained as nun. who may have thought that it would be more like adventure park or jungle camp than a boring-peaceful nun's life.
may i express my deep gratitude to all people involved, like teachers, preceptors, helping and encourageing friends, donators, family, sisters and brothers on the path ...
instead of going home as planned one year ago, i'll remain in robes, go for saffron robes. there is no other choice.
this brings about some consequenses and changes.
the "home" on mallorca is already given up, right now dear friend jens mutates into rambo and gives and throughs away what was mine. the money for the ticket back home donated.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


81 more days thai-pop-radio.
as it seems i will not move to another room, or at least i don't want to spend more time waiting for it, i went to see ajahn last evening and asked to start an intense retreat.
good! i felt like wasting time and regretted to have come, slept more then 6 hours with the result that i couldn't concentrate, thought too much.
now - udayabaya nyana - knowledge of rise and fall, arising and ceasing, becoming and ending. this is to receive full understanding of the impermanence of all formations and sensations of all that is, beings, thoughts, feelings.
all this comes into being and dissaperes in it's time. some comes just for seconds or less, others for days, month and years some for thousands of years or aeons but nothing of all that is inside or outside of what we think to be our self is really permanent, even if it is longer than our own lifespan.
seeing this clearly one consequently understands that what is impermanent will cause suffering, the whole scale from small like "ohh, a pity" to unbearable that one wants to suicide.
and we can't do nothing about it, we have no remedies. we can't tell rinkles to to go away, deseases not to come, breath not to breath, friends not to die, time not to pass, braincells not to forget, cells not to age. no way. every cell of the body dies when time comes. and the breath, well a non smoker may hold it for a minute or so some extremists try to hold it longer, but anyway. one has to see and accept that the image of a person, of ego, of self that has free choice what to do and what not is just an illusion.
there is no allmighty I that can say, i'am not going to suffer not to age not to die and i'll be perfect and rich. there is no allmighty entity at all, neither inside or outside of someone, something, that may say "from tomorrow on thai-pop does not exist anymore in this world and tomorrow, i declare, starts: now - and by the way, may there be peace, health and joy until all eternaty on this planet" - and it was peace, health and joy and the allmighty ...
let's start noticing the belly rising and fallig.
and see: even thai-pop-music is impermanent, radio beheind the wall is only playing from 9 am to 4 pm.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

no chants

i was told not to chant in my room because i may bother the meditators, said the control-monk.
do chants really bother was told not to chant in her room because i bother the meditators..
do chants really bother more then 8 hours radio daily, car- ank kitchen noises in a monastery?
well, only 2 month and 3 weeks left.
meanwhile i'll practice chanting-in-mind to not forget what i memorized and to keep sending blessings to friends and family.

Friday, July 10, 2009


3 days ago a nun died and ceremonies are held daily, today the final one.
last night ajahn tong came to the ceremony and gave a talk. he is in his 80ties but was quite vivid last night. he recognized me but couldn't remember that he knows me because i ordained with one of his monks.
some say ajahn tong is an arahant. wether or not - his presence is touching, makes you go to ground and do devoted prostrations easily, gives faith, fills the surrounding with loving kindness, similar to the bhikkhuni who lives here [but she almost never leaves her hut]. may they both live long, may their pains and deseases cease and may they die a peacful death when time comes.

thinking about becoming bhikkhuni goes on. the main obstacles as far as i can see now are the rules to travel alone and to stay somewhere alone. unlike most other people i prefer to travel and go amongst villages alone [with exceptions, like in an islamic country, in a parc at night, or some special people who like traveling alone as well].
the aspect to have to stay with another person for the rest of my live is a plain horrorvision. the buddha ment this rule for the women's safty, sure! and sharing a forest, a house or a monastery is not the probem. the problem is to be obliged, to not just be off to where the wind blows me without anybody else involved. guess men do understand what i'm talking of better then women.
all other rules incl. the eight heavy rules are much easier to accept and realize.
i could not even go back and stay with lumpoh at wat suan pa without another woman. but women don't want to stay there, conditiones are too rough.
i'm really not sure how to solve this [other then not ordaining as bhikkhuni]. on the other hand, a solution always comes and if it's only that i learn to accept [knowing it is just another caprice of an ego that fights for it's survival] or to find a nun who is a bhikkhu at heart.

i more or less gave away my option for the nice kuti, silly nun! the monastery is overcrowded, the kuti is big and can be shared, the room i'm in is small and dark, cannot be shared. i told the responsible monk he may do as he please and put me where i don't have to share. it seems as if he is playing games with me telling i have to share, i have to move, to stay, to wait, to share, wait, move ... lurking if i show any sign of anger. so far there is non. but i already start to regret that i came here.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

kau pansa - vassa

day before yesterday i arrived here in the afternoon. wanted to run away right away because i was told by dear nadya to share room. which for me is difficult, only the thought of having to sleep with someone else in the same room makes me panicing.
well, i remained calm. no panic came up but still worry. i was expecting to have room 14, the worst of all and have to share it.
"i will go through it and i will learn from it", i thought, "too late to go back, if i can't sleep i will go somewhere and meditate, sharing is for 6 or seven nights, i did that without sleep, i can do again, and maybe i will be so exhausted that i even sleep with someone else in the room".
then the official roomdistributor came, he told me the same, only the roomnumber made my happy not 14, but the favorite kuti. i asked where i could go in case i couldn't sleep, i was told a place and it was ok, a problem and a solution.
going to the kuti a slight panic arose, arriving there the kuti was locked, the girl not there and the roommonk remembered that another room was free. there i stay now, alone until the girl who stays at the kuti leaves in now 4 days, then i move.
may i never have to share the room i sleep in - but if i ever have to, i'm happy that i'm not stunned by blanc panic anymore. a milestone!

we had a large ceremony last night for the beginning of the rains retreat. many monks, 7 bhkkhunis, 1 thai, 6 vietnamese, about 50 mae chiis and lots of laypeople.
it was nice to do chanting with the monks because they do it as i do and i dont need a textbook.
only one thing makes my heart crumping in these gatherings, although mae chii's are mentioned here, which is not everywhere the case, they are mentioned together with the lay and do the laypeoples chants - makes my heart break - as if mae chiis not have gone forth into homelessness, as if they were not living the holy life.

Saturday, July 4, 2009


For a homeless reclusive I have a lot of things, as I noticed today. Went into the storeroom to get some toothpaste and -brushes, soap etc. for the next 3 month. Well, all this stuff is actually not mine, it's left over from the meditation center we had set up for short.
If Mae Chee Jai will open her center, i should donate everything to her. She called today and wants me to take to “her”center on monday. That's the last day here in the village, so probably I won't go, I better clean here before I leave.
This weekend a lot of people come to all monasteries to donate candles, neon lights, and other small things monks and nuns need for the rainy season. Tradition. Some large groups of people came today but I hid and worked in the storeroom to let Lumpoh receive all, as I go, I don't need anything now.
Yesterday that man came again who lives close to Nirodharam, the Bhikkhuni's place, more than 1 hour driving from here. He came that far to see me and to invite me to go to Bhikkhuni's place. He looked quite upset when I said “no, not now” But somehow it doesn't feels right now. Can't tell why. He brought Dhammabooks and fruit juices. :o)
I should go soon with Nadia to visit the Bhikkhuni. It's much easier from Chiang Mai.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

another farewell

Two women, who support me with almsfood on almsround every day came up to see me today, they heard I'll be leaving and wanted to know if it's true. Lumpoh must have spread the news.
I told them I'll be away for the vassa for three month but want to come back afterwards. First they wanted to convince me not to go then I convinced them that I will come back.

Andrew, thanks again for donating/sending the Visuddhimagga I make good use of your gift! reading a lot in it. I tried to read the first part in German once and I didn't understand half of what I understand now. Next I have, as Ajahn said, to study the Abhidhamma, then more of what is written in the Visuddhimagga will become clear (and vice versa).

Farewell of a friend. One I knew short in this life but with looots of Karma together. Impermanence is a reality we all have to deal with. But this time it's a hard lessen to learn, a great loss. Learn the lesson well, Phalañani and continue walking on the path for may you, in no further life, meet him again.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Apoligies from the maechilion

a friend, a young, skilled nun, rebuked me. With all right. She said what I write about the monastery I'm going to stay at for the vassa makes her sad.
May she forgive me. When I write about the feeling of going to jail, then it says very much about the state of my mind which is not able to find freedom and not so very much about the place. It shows my limited capacities to socialize. When I say that I'm not going to leave my room often, that's because I can't control the mind doors.
When I complain about people talking too much and breaking rules it means I have not enough loving kindness for them and am clinging on to views about how I think monastics and meditators should behave.
I'm not better than the others - wanting to keep rules but breaking them.
This elderly nun is more a weird reclusive and far away from being a good Mae Chii.
A Maechilion, a strange animal that seeks a peaceful and secluded place in the zoo. (not any specific place)
Yesterday a monk came to stay overnight. For him I was really a Maechilion :o).
He observed everything I did, he watched me meditating, walking around and doing things, chanting. This morning he observed me leaving for almsround, after almsround he checked what I have got. I offered him some of my food in which he seemed to be interested. And when I mixed all food in my bowl and did the chant, he came very close to check the contend of the bowl. And sometimes he was pleased and exited as if I'd just had shown a funny trick.
This blog is a diary full of stories of failure, success, personal views, feelings. It's for friends and family to know where and how I am and to laugh about it later. It is - apart from little personal e-mail communication - the only platform to speak about my struggle on the path. So please be patient and forgive me when I'm wrong.

Saturday, June 27, 2009


the last couple of days I'm experimenting with the walking meditation. I went back to the 3rd walking step, lifting, moving, placing and so forth.
Than I started to repeat lifting, lifting, lifting, moving moving, moving, placing, placing, placing.
Than I started to note the intentions before each part of the step but gave that up partly for the behalf of noticing of the bodily reaction in the pelvis, the chest and the column vertebral on every single foot movement. In good moments I could notice up to 27 movements in one step and catch the intentions but to walk 10 meters took me 20 minutes.
In sitting after this it felt at first as if an endless stream of information is vomited out of me, pictures, remembrances, millions. It was too much input or better output to note anything in peculiar, I felt dizzy and a slight fear to loose consciousness ... after some time noticing came back to the normal: rising, falling, sitting and a touching point.

oh, and there is something to confess.
Nuns are not suppose to climb trees, as far as I know it is not a rule but more a logical convenience not to climb. The skirts are really a hindrance as I noticed the other day on the roof.
I avoided for some hours to climb up that tree, but after 5 hours or so the little scared kitten was still sitting and crying on a high branch, so I decided to get the ladder for the first meters and then climb the rest.
Lumpoh came out to go and take a shower, when he saw me equilibrating between ladder and tree he came and supported the ladder. Don't know if he could see something under my skirt, I was concentrated on not falling down while catching the kitten. I wear underwear anyway. And I don't think he even tried to see something as he was going in his lower robe and towel, taking good care that nothing falls off.
It would be better to give the kittens back. They are afraid of the dogs and those want to play, so the kittens will be more time on trees then on ground, as it seems. They were on trees again today but I will not climb again.

Today I told Lumpoh that I will stay the vassa in Wat Rampoeng.

Friday, June 26, 2009

going home?

I am asked to come home, to overtake a job in a Galerie and to live the normal Laypeoples life again.
I will honestly consider it. It's maybe the best and last chance for me to go back and have a job rightaway. To find a job in this samsaraworld is not easy for a 50 years old weird woman.

The thought of going back feels completely wrong.
Everybody here is expecting me to go home because Im without teacher. That's an important point but no reason to go back. Actually I'm not really without teacher, I meet my preceptor regularly and do courses with him and will stay for the vassa in his monastery.
Presently I cannot imagine to ever live a Laypeoples life again. It's not the job, I'm not a lazy person.
And I'm not brainwashed in that sense that a dubiouse leader of an odd sect is influencing me to do whatever he wants. Brainwashed may I be, in the sense that I could clean up and clear my mind in the last year clearence continues uninterrupted until the mind becomes pure.

It is maybe hard to understand for those amongst you who never have been ordained as a Buddhist monastic. I feel like a monk (yes, correct, monk, not nun) through and through and I do not have very much desire for the things I use to like before. (To the dog I'm still attached)
There is no other desire (apart from having my dog with me) than to study and spread the Dhamma and to find the ultimate goal: liberation from suffering. Samsare bhayam ikkhati. I turned into one who sees the danger in worldly things. A good achievement for a nun. Not so easy to deal with for someone who has to face all these wordly things again after happily letting them go.

Sometimes I'm sad that I came that far to see a glimps of truth to understand the message of the Buddhas teaching. This almost leaves no choice, there is no other solution then living the holy life. What can I do? I can't even drive a car anymore knowing that I will kill plenty beings with every meter I drive, I can't sit in a gallery and tell lies for somebody and sell nonsense called art. I cant do comedy anymore, I don't want to be in the center of attention again, knowing that the laughter I bring is only a release for a moment and not a way out of illusion.
I was very happy in the former live, had a nice home, good friends, a dog beloved as if it was a child. I loved that, honestly.
But this kind of love does not allow to free oneself nor any other being in this world. This kind of (Lay)life seems not to be a safe refuge anymore, as it seemed before.

I didn't knew that I would change so much when I left home to ordain for a year.

I don't know if I ever manage to set up a center on my own. I hope I could, but I can't do it alone. It will not be in Thailand for sure. And I need time and support for it.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Vassa (Rainsretreat)

yesterday I decided to stay in a Wat in the city for the vassa. I discussed the term yesterday with Laa and we came to the conclusion that it may be wise to go before the preceotpr gives me up. I feel a little bit like sending myself into jail. To be secluded enough i will probably not leave my room often. When one leaves the room one steps into other people, there is no nature around, but village, so no escape or real solitude except in the room.
People there are are really nice, no doubt and I should be grateful to be supported to be given a room and so on.