Monday, August 31, 2009

the game

And now what???
I have the key - mindfulness; i know the hidden door that leads to freedom.
Now i just have to go there and open the door with the keys.
Cross the swamp of forgetting, find the antidote for the poison of delusion that i took for 50 years, get through the mirror labyrinth of 'i-conceite', pass through the tumbes of suffering, solve the riddle of impermanence, win the battle against time, and by the way free the princess moral out of the dragos claws, get the holy gral of knowledge, never loose the keys of mindfulnes, which is in fact bound around the neck of a butterfly which flies from dream to dream.
The fun is, it's a realtime game.


The other day Ajahn told me to read in my heart because the abhidhamma is there, sais he.
So i dared a closer look today at the part of heart that is the jail [was writing about feeling like going into jail earlier ...].
Had some kind of weird vision when i approached and opend the imaginary door to my heart.
Phsiummm - a knife came flying. Looking around from a safe place i saw 3 little girls, one almost a kripple, bended back a stuttering, a shy one, injured. another one insane, with eyes open wide, silent motionless but about to jump up furiouse for defense. The third one horrified, terrified hiding in a corner not able to breath of fear to be seen lurking for escape.
Poor little ones.
First monsters now girls, wonder what else i keep hidden there.
These things i see are not real, and when i say 'seeing, seeing, seeing' they dissapear. they are mere reflections of mindstates and help me to understand where to work next.
Last night i stayed awake long and meditated, on a walk through the monastery in the very early morning i saw light in some rooms, people awake like me and practicing.
the resume of this night: the experiences on makes, deeds one does and thoughts one thinks leave a print in mind, like a thumb leaves a print on glass. thus mind accumulates 'good' and 'bad' of ones experiences, thoughts and deeds. as a result one thinks one is such and such a person with such and such a character. But in reality one is just the sum of experiences, thoughts and deeds which are repeated because mind flows the known way, like water flows the same stream.
body and mind are depending on eachother and are both very limited.
anger can be transformed into loving-kindness, when catched at the very beginning, before anger manifests itself and leaves its print and a mental or/and physikal reaction.
Greed, wanting can be overcome by being restaint.
For both it is essential to have right understanding, right effort and right mindfulness.
I slept a little and had a short meditation before breakfast.
Now, make theory practice, phalañani.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

impermanence of mind states

Did i say yesterday i'm ready to die. Well, for one heroic moment it was true, but reallity now is - i'm not.
One step ahead, two back.
Yesterday: going swiftly, in quick succession through some stages of meditation until coming to a certain point.
Today: no concentration no ability to observe breath or anything else and if i come to a cetain stage of peacefulness, then immediately my dog comes to my mind, after that i see other attachments and defilements. Which is obviously better than not seeing them, sure ... But ...
Ajahn almost laughed tears when i told him how my mind tricks me.
I told him again of the urgent feeling to ordain as bhikkhuni, again he laughed. I said: you can laugh, you are wearing the robes. He said he understands. Meanwhile i shall practice and behave like a monk and try to get rid of these defilements.

This morning i met a woman with whom i once shared taxi. She is from bangkok but comes here about 5 times per year. She was early preparing for almsgiving. When she saw me she donated some fruit and sweets to me, then other women, friends of her came and gave as well. So no lunch today but some almost-almsround-food. Later, when i left my room to sweep, someone donated medicine to me. I donated it to the bhikkhuni, when i came back someone gave me even more fruit and snack. Funny, i live far away from where almsfood is given, comes unusual and unexpected.
Enough now, back to the cushion.

Friday, August 28, 2009


After working on the first 2 days on the same thing, i rushed through the next back and forth several times. No doubt, the wish to get out of the rounds of rebirth is very strong. But i don't find enough equanimity always. Have to work on this harder. Still too tangled in this tangle.
Last retreats i saw much lobha kilesa, now i see more dosa.
Felt like an onion, if one peels away the laiars, on has to cry a lot but in the end there is nothing left, no core, no cry, no onion. Wonder how many laiars this nama-rupa-onion has. :o)
Ajahn asked me in my first reatreat of this vassa if i'm ready to die. I just laughed, knowing i'm not. Now i am. Not that i want to or have any intention to suicide - far away from that! But this 'I' that ego worm, may it rest in peace.
A monk was yelling at the kitchen nuns, i went and stood there silent, he dissapered but came back next day, yelled again, i went again, asked him a question aubout a completely different term to get him away from the kitchen, it turned out that he lyed to me when he answered.
It took me both times i was in contact with him a full set of walking and sitting meditation to get rid of the anger. I had some quite unwholesome thoughts the worst was: going and ask if menstruation didn't come. Nasty! But i decided to say or do nothing at all except being mindful and friendly.
No more unwholesomeness may arise from the phalanyani-nama-rupa. A task i will fail to fulfille a lot, but one grows with the tasks, no?

This early morning i had 2 thoughts:
1. Instead of sitting and watching the leaves and dirt passing by i will go to the source, the well and clean it.
2. Letting go is an active process, one has to open the hand to release an item one holds on to and one has to open the heart to release the defilements.

Nadya was waiting at my door to bring back things that i gave her. I was again upset, but then found other people happy to have the things. She's on course as well. May she find freedom.


I'm on retreat again. Diffrent then usually, i say myself if i stay with one nyana for only hours or for days.
Thought i will do the first in one hour ... But decided after one day to continue and look deeper, if possible. Rising and falling, all about impermanence.
I asked if i can continue reading the abhidhamma but ajahn said, no, read in your heart not in books.
Today i was rebuked because i meditated only 10 hours, do 12! But now i can read little. It really helps, before i acknowledged a feeling or a thought, now i know right away if it's wholesome or unwholesome and in the latter case i can let go right away of the feeling or thought.
While walking meditation i try to seperate intention which is a mere impulse from volition, one second from the next,
Things are happening too fast, i need milliseconds and don't have the time to fully say in mind what i note. I acknowledge and know that i know.
But then again - long periods of drowsiness. Wanting to get up from sitting before the alarm rings ...

The shape of the body dissapeared and i saw millions of cells, glimmering and then changing form, rushing through different bodies or forms in quick alteration. some cells always vanishing, dying, others appering so fast, that it was not easy to see, that they all dissaper at their time. It was interesting, breathtaking. at one moment, when the cells had millepede-form, it was short black because a bigger form stepped on 'my' millipede-form and i took chance to say "seeing, seeing" and go back to the rising and falling of the abdomen.

Monday, August 24, 2009

41 days

Only 41 or so days left. Now i'm more learning than practicing. The eyes hurt from neon light every day all day. I was reading more in the web pages of the santi forest monastery. The essays and writings about bhikkhuni ordination kept me busy.
I strongly recommend to everybody interested in bhikkhuni to visit the pages. I don't have the link now but search in google for santi forest monastery.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

kitchen aid

Helped in the kitchen instead of meditating. Help was welcome. Later a novice and nadya came to help as well. Mushroom-cutting-noodle-seperating-egg-peeling-onion-peeling-meditation.
First it felt like waste of time, [i should humble go on almsround, thats proper] but presently everything appears like a waste of time to me - meditation and learning Dhamma excluded.
I have to keep in mind that, for the kitchen nuns, it's not a waste of time to prepare extrafood without garlic for the bhikkhunis and me. They do it with so much love and devotion. It's not easy to bear all their goodness without feeling ashame and guilty. Guilty for having something extraordinary like a garlic allergie and ashame because i will never be half as good at heart as they are.

It's so much better without garlic! No more stomach ache vomits and diarrea since then.
The people of 'my' village, where i used to go on almsround cook with garlic as well but they dont cut it in very small pieces and i sorted it out with the meat for the dogs.
... Hope to visit wat suan pa soon with nadya and sue, a thai-meditator.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


As i mentioned i was once actrice at theater, long ago already. We worked with lee strasberg's method acting. Very interisting method and we had a good coach.
Instead of stumbeling over the scene to find out where to say and do what, we worked our characters lying on the foor or sitting in a chair, eyes closed - we researched the properties of the charakters, their way of speaking, thinking, moving, their postures, feelings like that.
We scanned our bodies with our minds in search for useful 'material': Points in size of a pin head wherever in the body.
Due to past experience cells or cellgroups seem to have an information about a feeling related with a posture, a gesture, a tension, etc.. This were what we were looking for, spots where mind has related a feeling for some reason. [a little scar from an old hurt, a tension in the shoulder, a spot when remembered one can't stop giggeling and so on]
Interesting because it helps me now to understand the abhidhamma. About mind and matter, nama and rupa. the body does not remember anything, but mind knows and according to the work we did i can tell: mind, when trained, is able to remember every little spot of the body and every situation or feeling or thought related with it. When such a mind-matter coproduction is repeated, it will be memorized and tension, posture, thought, feeling of it will be established. If it is repeated often it becomes habit [or keypoint to enter into your stage character].
EVERYTHING is ruled by mind, made by mind. Mind is experiencing as long as the mind/matter combination is intact.
The most shocking of that work for me was to see how limited we are. Physically and in range of our feelings, we can either feel happy, unhappy our neutral; mindstates are either of wanting/liking/greed, not-wanting/disliking/hatred, or not knowing/delusion. This in variable combination and changing intensity. Each combination sepred, connected with each other just through thinking. Effect of something, cause for something. Thats all. No matter if it's a shakespear a modern author or a happening in our lifes.
Maybe not all of my time was wasted :o)

Friday, August 14, 2009


One week already out of retreat, I'm in my room with 3 abhidhamma books and try to memorize the tika matika.
That means: i'm reading books about the teaching of the buddha, those in which his teaching is comprised to the essential, in a logical, dry, analytical way.
What i understand is little but that little is so wonderful - it's either pali, the language of the buddha or english. Having meditated a lot helps, one has experienced what one reads.
In the beginning it's scaring - you see tables, list, diagramms, words that do not make any sense yet, even when written in a language your able to understand. Most discouraging is: i need 3 days to memorize a text i could memorize in three hours when i was younger and working in theater - and: nadya either knows it all already or reads for five minutes and then knows. last night i cried because i wasted so many years of my life not learning and understanding all this. Only short, after noting greed, jelousy and selfity as roots, i stopped rightaway and - as i reckon -there is still some time left to learn.
In this case my bothering stubbornness is supportive, i will not give up learning this treasure only because it's difficult or others can do better.
My dear mama said i shall not torture myself - but meditating the maximum possible or learning dhamma until falling asleep over the books is no torture - not knowing, not understanding is.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

ajahn tong

today my teachers teacher, ajahn tong came to visit. he is 85 years old and walks supported by one or two people. but only the body is old and weak his mind is clear, strong and vivid,today more then ever befor [of the few times i had the chance to hear him talk] and his dhammatalk was inspiring although i understood about one percent of the words he said.
i was just standing in front of the elevator, when the doors opend and he came out.
at the end before he left, i was lucky and walked along where he was sitting and waiting to be picked up, only few people were around and i received a blessing. he hits people with his fan on head or shoulder - usually there are long lines of people waiting to be beaten.
presently one thai bhikkhuni and 5 vietnames bhikksunis are staying here, ajahn tong greeted and encouraged them. generally bhikkhunis existence is neglected.
their being mentioning in the same breath with the monks and being adressed during the talk in front of 200 people gives rise to hopes.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

2. retreat

1. 2 hours sleep 15 meditating, no brandnew insight, just observing the arising and dissapearing of the breath and other internal or extrenal, through the sensedoors entering phenomena.
not tired at all.

2. 2 hours sleep, 14 meditation, dissolution - perfect fitting for meditation oject, at home jens is giving and throughing away all my things at home, home is given up.
thinking of my dog. suffering through love.

3. 4 hours sleep, 12 meditation, very tired, don't want to get up, cocentration bad, thinking about nonsense, about poor jens working hard at not-home-anymore, about dog, about where to go after vassa. wanting to ordain as bhikihuni, now.

4. 4 hours sleep, 14 meditation, exhausted, perception blurred, floor seems to move, feeling i cant go to the diningroom because either my head will fall into the plate and i'll snore loud or i strart to cry or to laugh hysterically. went to pindabat to offer my soymilk to the bhikkhuni, she gave me black chocolate and tea.
everything ok after breakfast, strong again.

5. 4 hours sleep, 12 meditation, thought i got rid of a difilement, was pround of it and noticed as a result that i have looots of them, more then i thought before. when i told ajahn, he smiled and said: "good, GOOD! not the defilements, but to see you have it, work harder now". i don't know how, i feel like a wrack already sometimes, but yes, i still have some hidden recources of energy.

6. 2 hours sleep, 16 meditation, i'm at my limits, but as i realized limits are deluded-mind-made. seeing all those defilements is absolutely discourageing. later: i don't have to root them out one by one, i just have to go straight for nibbana, then they vanish all at once. so don't waste time lamenting, phalanyani. and anyway defilements are just a theater play, a fool who belives it's true.

7. 3 hours sleep, 14 meditation, while meditation, peace, no wanting, no other defilement but going out of meditation all comes back to mind, wanto to get out of this room with people so close, want a separate kuti, want to go on almsround, want to be allowed to live the real holy life.
now find patiance, phalanyani.

8. 3 hours sleep, 14 meditation, this must be real equanimity. such a peace during meditation, absence of all that may bother - not all day and night but for some hours. ajahn sais: defilements are like the dangerous beings in the ocean, equanimity is sitting in a boat on the surface of the ocean and not being bothered by the oceans dangers.

9. no sleep, meditating all time available, but need some breaks. it's easy this time, feet hurt from walking so many hours but apart from this condition is good. perception changed, i see everything in short pictures like seeing a movie in its single pictures instead of seeing it as one flow. makes me feel dizzy. smells and sounds are extremely intense, almost painful. ajahn is encourageing with a fatherly loving smile.

10. no sleep, meditation as much as possible, feel calm, clear, peaceful, tall, relaxed but know of the impermanence of this state of mind.

next day wanting a separate kuti is back right away but much more relaxed. i know i don't need it, and it's only 2 months left. the wanting is a good meditation object, cause i know feeling uncomfortable here is mindmade and has nothing to do with the rooms, they are good - just not lonely and secluded.
went to almsround to give some tea to ajahn and bhikkhuni. my eyes are filling with tears - i miss wearing my monksrobe, feeling naked without it, and miss going on almsround - what holy life i'm living: like a thief.