The other day Ajahn told me to read in my heart because the abhidhamma is there, sais he.
So i dared a closer look today at the part of heart that is the jail [was writing about feeling like going into jail earlier ...].
Had some kind of weird vision when i approached and opend the imaginary door to my heart.
Phsiummm - a knife came flying. Looking around from a safe place i saw 3 little girls, one almost a kripple, bended back a stuttering, a shy one, injured. another one insane, with eyes open wide, silent motionless but about to jump up furiouse for defense. The third one horrified, terrified hiding in a corner not able to breath of fear to be seen lurking for escape.
Poor little ones.
First monsters now girls, wonder what else i keep hidden there.
These things i see are not real, and when i say 'seeing, seeing, seeing' they dissapear. they are mere reflections of mindstates and help me to understand where to work next.
Last night i stayed awake long and meditated, on a walk through the monastery in the very early morning i saw light in some rooms, people awake like me and practicing.
the resume of this night: the experiences on makes, deeds one does and thoughts one thinks leave a print in mind, like a thumb leaves a print on glass. thus mind accumulates 'good' and 'bad' of ones experiences, thoughts and deeds. as a result one thinks one is such and such a person with such and such a character. But in reality one is just the sum of experiences, thoughts and deeds which are repeated because mind flows the known way, like water flows the same stream.
body and mind are depending on eachother and are both very limited.
anger can be transformed into loving-kindness, when catched at the very beginning, before anger manifests itself and leaves its print and a mental or/and physikal reaction.
Greed, wanting can be overcome by being restaint.
For both it is essential to have right understanding, right effort and right mindfulness.
I slept a little and had a short meditation before breakfast.
Now, make theory practice, phalañani.