Sunday, May 31, 2009


Here is an good example of the way Kamma works.

(Preamble: We could give away the puppy that had come back to us. Now, again, there is the mother dog and one puppy. The puppy stays at the terrace of the hut i live in. the roof of this terrace is leaking (a lot) and there is only one spot that remains dry when it's raining. The mother changes places but likes to sleep on the table on the terrace.)

The puppy wakes up between 2h and 3h and starts crying. First it wants to get on the table where the mother is, but she only grunts and walks away. Night before last night the puppy had the idea to keep crying and started scratching at my door. It was raining heavy.
“If i let it come in now, i always wants to come in and it will not learn that the dogs place is outside.” My heart almost broke. But after half an hour constant crying and scratching i thought “a small throw of water will eventually teach the dog that crying is not the way to get what one wants”.
It worked.
The puppy kept quiet and fell asleep and so did i after watching it for a while with compassion.

Next night, last night it unfortunately had forgotten the lesson. It rained, puppy cried, mother left grunting and I dressed to go out and pull some water. When it heard me, it stopped crying. When i was in bed (well, on my mat) again, puppy started crying anew. I tried grunting, as the mother does, with not much effect, so I dressed up again. when i opened the door, i realized that i was, this time, displeased, somehow a little bit gloating, thinking that i will be tiered next day because one hour sleep will be missing. I through the water, puppy stopped crying and went back to sleep right away.

For me the karma of being malicious worked right away: The entrance door had sucked too much humidity and I couln'd close it anymore. I spend almost an hour to cut some wood off with a little pocketknife, to make the door fit into it's frame again.

Kamma is more the result of what you think then of what you do, of your volition. Respectively: The state of mind, the good or bad intention that one has while acting in a certain way is producing Karma, not so much the act itself.

on top

The hut i stay in requires everyday maintainance now. The mangoes are getting larger (and less, a fact of which i'm most grateful) and keep falling on the roof so i have to climb up almost everyday to repair it and to exchange a shingle. You must have seen me yesterday! I was reminded of my time as comedian, when i acted as a little, slow but warmhearted plumber apprendice. I did some acrobatic with a ladder, climbed on and over people, tables, eveerything in my way and got caught in the ladder. People were screaming and laughing tears when I did that.
Well yesterday i had no audience except some mosquitoes but it was a real good sketch.
I prepared the ladder and put some stones underneath it to give it a little hold, got a shingle and climbed up. The broken shingle was a little further, so i had to get of the ladder on the roof, no problem – i did more dangerous acrobatic acts (but not in a skirt). The ladder move a bit by getting off and slipped off the stones, the ground was really muddy. After checking in a sight (less than a second) that there is no other save way to get down again unless I scream for help or cahtch the ladder before it falls, I managed to get hold of a small branch of the mango tree with one hand and to catch the falling ladder with one foot, while one foot and one hand remained at the roof.
Not at all ladylike but effective.
It took some minutes of highly concentrated balancing the ladder with the foot to bring it back to a save position. I experienced real “one pointedness of the mind” in doing so.:o)

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

time for equanimity

Yesterday in the morning I was watching the dogs play on the terrace of the hut i stay in. then i noticed that i had tears in my eyes because these wonderful beings have to live such a miserable life as a dog. Being dog in Thailand is no fun at all. They don't get very old here, are fed mainly with rice and are in general full of diseases and parasites. And i can't change that.
Compassion is good to have, no doubt about it. And i don't have to work on it to get more. it's time to master equanimity now.
I am attached to this place, to the dogs, to the donators, to the serenity.
Therefore i decided to go to Wat Ram Poeng next week. I'll stay there for an intense course until i am old. :o) Which is not very long, only two weeks, on the 18.06., my 50th birthday.
Presently Ajahn Suphan is teaching the foreigners again, the Bhikkhuni is translating into english and my brown robes will be accepted. So, best conditions.

Sometimes it's excellent to have the chance to practice alone in solitude, but one has to know, when it is time to get some teachers advice. This time has come now for a certain nun.


Note what from last week or two weeks ago.

What a Karma! In a Dhamma talk which I listened to a few days ago, the Silananda Sadayaw said, all ugly, bad, unpleasent etc. that we see, hear, smell, feel, experience is result of our Karma, of ugly and bad we did in this or former lifes.
Nothing to hold against.
What bad must i have done? (Except letting the dog's come too close)
One day i saw a long worm creeping out of one's dogs anus, the next day one of the puppies started tossing and vomiting until a fat worm came out.
Then I checked the internet about intestinal parasites and how you note that you have them. Well, I came to the conclusion, that I must have them, too. I was tiered, had no appetite but needed a lot of food, and some other indications. And I felt actually a very weird movement in my belly which was different from other, known movements belly's usually do.
Modern science allows monastic's to get rid of the parasites without killing them. Worms and larves get stunned and so the body can exhort them. Quick done. No big deal.
But to be honest, meditating on intestinal parasites which are wandering through the organs like ones stomach, liver, lungs and heart, living by guzzing ones organs ... that was far the most disgusting meditation i ever did in my life.

Sunday, May 24, 2009


had generel cleaning this morning. Quick done in a small hut like I'm staying in. Repaired the roof. half of the roof is under a mango tree, which is quite nice and smells good, but falling ripe mangos are breaking the shingles every day.

I'm reading in the Satthipathana Sutta (german translation with commentaries, old edition) again. What a wonderful book!

Friday, May 22, 2009

course finished

a moderate course with nothing special happening and so was determination. For the first time I thought I'm too old for this, too tired. I got through, but it was a bit exhausting.
Had to go out today to get some waterpipe parts and saw a monk pulling out herbs and grass. Would have been a nice picture.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

determination again

time for a sleepless night tonight.

Monday, May 18, 2009

11 month

now i am exactly 11 month in thailand. of wich i spend 1 as yogie and 3 month as mae chii with the former teacher. 2 1/2 i spend in different places and 4 and half month in this small monastery.
Today it is extremely beautiful here. not too hot, clear far view, the dog are cute as dogs can be, lumpoh's sounds from far chanting the abhidhamma.

in one month i'll be 50 year's old. I want to do another intense course before that, best with guidance.

The decision is clear, that i will not disrobe after staying here one year. I'm not sure about staying in thailand or for how much more time to stay here. Right now there is no other call so i remain here but in heart i'm a nomad [or better a wandering monk :o)] and i start to feel cosy homely here at wat suan pa, so i should go somewhere else sooner or later.

We'll see.

short note

5th day of a 10 day course. Unlike the last courses it's relativly easy this time. the cold i catched is almost gone, i can breath normally again.

a nun i know will probabely set up an international meditation center here in the north. With back up from a known and famous center. There are some obstacles. The monastery has to be renovated and she does not really want to teach.
She'll come to meet me soon to tell me more about her plans.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

wat suan pa

From below: 1. this is where the nun phalanyani stays at. 2. buddha hall 3. the close lake seen through trees from nuns terrace (now it's much greener) 4. lumpoh's kuti 5. the other kutis

nothing to report

What i thought to be an allergy seems to be more a cold. Wonder how i cached it in this heat. There is not much to report today. I'm very grateful that humans are able to breath through mouth, if nessecary.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

next course

since the women left yesterday i've set myself on course again. i made a mental note that i feel happy, healthy and strong. no more worms, fleas, no inflamed tickbites, no mushroom poisoning, not too hot. just a little itching in the nose. [the last courses i had either one of these above mentioned things.]
amazing how mind workes. one hour after being on course the itching in the nose had become a heavy allergy for i don't know what - maybe for being on course again. :o)
these nama and rupa [mind and matter] are really uncontrollable. if i were i, i would just say: stop, nose from itching, stop, mind from thinking.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Dhamma or cheesebread

i am almost as stubborn as a monk i know.
the two thai women who came here for practice meditation left. they spend most of the time chatting cooking and eating, when it came to meditation or to chanting, they suddenly had stomach ache. in the morning from 7:00 till 11:00 they were cooking, eating and chatting, yesterday they went to buy water and came back 4 hours later. i admonished them, [one knows english and german] asked them to keep the monastic rules and the 8 precepts, [not to much sleep, no chatter, etc.], and to do more meditation.
i'm too strict, they said. they tried to convince me to let them do only little meditation on their own paste - without succsess.
one [a former donator] got angry, they went to lumpoh with me to complain about me. during talking with him, one told a story - until she was becoming aware that she had told me the contrary 5 minutes before.
lumpoh didn't know that but anyway said that they can stay and do as i say or go.
the one who had told the ly couldn't watch me afterwards and left with kitchen, food and stuff secretly while i did meditation. the other one didn't want to stay without kitchen and friend and left friendly this morning.
so no more german bread and creamcheese, finest cookies, salads and so on [everything from one of the most expensive supermarkets of chiang mai].
i'm glad i didn't sell the dhamma for cheese and bread.

Friday, May 8, 2009

add on to wanting ...

forgot to mention: the rules for theravada monastics do not allow singing and dancing.


Dear Nadya ordained today. I could not be present at her ceremony because I have a meditator here, so staying away over night was not possible and it was too early to get there on time by bus. eventually we go to see her together tomorrow.

I could catch one more scorpion, it's now residing further away, another one escaped.
the dogs have worms, therefore i'm wearing shoes not only in bathroom but on the monastery ground, as well.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


this morning a woman i know who always wanted to come and practice, came and brought another woman who who will stay for practice. then she left, brought kitchenstuff and a cleaningwoman, said, she has things to do but comes in 2 days to stay as well for a couple of days. then she left, came back with foodstuffs and disappeared together with the cleaningwoman, saying "we'll see if i come to stay". the woman who stays speeks no english.
see how the reporting will go. a dhammatalk in thai will be limited to 2 - 3 words.
lumpoh is very! happy that we have a thaiwoman equipped with kitchenstuff.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


mother and sister dog are missing the two other puppies. the sister dog, name: jaya = victory, pali, was crying and quieking all night. heartbreking! unfortunately it choose the steps in front of my door as shelter and scratched at my door. [they didn't stay there before]. it choose me as companian, but i can't be it. this dog is too cute, i will become attached. i bring it to the steps of lumpoh's house 5 times a day and feed them there, but this dog is stubborn as i am, it always comes back. the mother, shanti = peace, sanskrit is searching sometimes but she is not suffering and crying, like the little one.

Monday, May 4, 2009

wanting, wanting, wanting

this morning i had the almost unbearable desire to sing and to dance. i used to sing often before ordaining. meditation was since last night very poor. no concentration, could not sit long,wanted a goodie, i have been such a diligent yogi, wanted a break.

frustration: how could i have dared to think i might able to become an arahant in this life?
for further advancement: i'm too stubburn, to proud, too attetched, have not enough loving kindness, not enough humbleness and serenity. too many wild animals in the chest.

two of the puppies have left to their new homes today. mother and sister took it with equanimity. i was worried that the mother dog will suffer, but it doesn't seem so.
one puppie will remain here. lumpoh wants it. i wanted to give away all, the danger to get attached to to high.

Sunday, May 3, 2009


endless space, no beginning, no end, just one breath, just one step. there was a tree and ground, a path, a person stepping, now there is nothing of all this anymore. sparkles of light, twinkling, silent and soft. not existing, not staying, but there, in presence. intention to lift, sparkles, seeing: sparcles.
looks like universe, stars, genesis and dissolution of stars, very quick. arising ceasing again, again, again ... where the tree was: sparkles flowting, slow in nothing. all around swiftly moving twinkling sparkles.
not to say what is what. all seems one, there is no diffrence between one sparkle of a step and one of a bug or tree or grass, nothing of that is real anyway.
and all is separate - like in fog, it seems to be one big mass of fog but it is not, it's billions of very small particles of water or. some particles may join and become one, a drop but then they are separate from other drops.
drops are not real, nor is fog, just an idea, a spark.
seeing, seeing, seeing.

Friday, May 1, 2009


may be i should add to yesterday's post that i feel rather happy the last almost 20 years. yesterday's insight about inherent sadness was most surprising to me.

some feelings are like rusty nails in a tree, grown together somehow, not easy to extrac. make sure you yong ones to work it out while your young.

it seems funny that it feelings, moods, customs, etc. are so hard to root out, whereas they are not really real.
but it's neither funny nor hard, it's just impossible and useless. it's like trying to catch a fata morgana for the purpose to chase it away. silly, isn't it?

what a relief to understand that what one sees as fata morgana does not exist, that it's just illusion. [sais the expert of ignorance of this fact :o)].