Sunday, May 30, 2010

I'm leaving on a jetplane, don't know when I'll be back again

tomorrow in the afternoon I will leave america.
It feels good. Although I loved to meet my family, was happy to make new friends and get to know some very nice nuns, it's time to go. I would prefer to go somewhere into solitude, a retreat would be good. But it's not on the list yet.
Next step Duesseldorf. Seeing my mom and "my" dog again after two years. I will not arrive in a easy, pleasant situation there, thus I know already, but - it could be worse, i guess. Mom is happy to have me back and although she is not in good conditions she sounded strong when I talked to her this morning.
The farewell from Ajaan was short. He didn't look at me and didn't say much, two words if I hadn't asked for a blessing.
Anyway, he may have his reasons which I don't understand. May he not have any problem with me or anything / anybody else, may he remember me as a loyal friend and succeed in his strive to get a meditation center. It seems that I can't help him and then I wont.
I'll go my way and do deeply hope that the postponement of the ordination will somehow be canceled and that there will be an ordination for me before this vassa.

hehehe :o)))))
perception ... :o) it really works in a funny way and men's perceptions are genuinely working different than women's. :o)
A man had thought I'm in love with him. Even if this man would match in age and anything else, which is not the case and even if he would be attractive, which he is not (ok,ok, that's relative, subject to personal tastes and views) - I'm a nun and happy menopausing.
We were talking about it the other day with some women (the menopause, not the man)... sexual interest has just gone and that's perfect, well at least for the nun, for others it causes some problems once in a while.
I have come to the conclusion that some men have just too much self esteem and are overvaluing their potential of attraction to women.
None the less, I love you guys, 'unerotic', unconditioned, as the beings that you are. :o)

Thursday, May 27, 2010

a blessing

here is suppose to be a link don't know if it works it shall lead to a blessing

first try to publish 'taking refuge'

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

recorded blessing

today I found out how to record with my computer. Wanted to send a blessing and the going for refuge to the triple gem for the soon coming Vesakh day (28.5. this year) ... now I just have to figure out how to add an mp3 file to the blog :o)

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

postponed ...

As I said in the comments the seed is planted but one does not know when toreaping the fruit …
Yesterday I went with the woman I’m staying with to the Bhikkhunis here in Los Angeles to say good bye and to talk about ordination in July.
I don’t want to claim that I have the supernatural power of seeing into the future but since quite a while I had the impression that ordination will not be in July – and right! It will not be in July. It might be at any time from July this year until end of vassa next year. I will receive notice some months in advance. December was mentioned …
I was cool yesterday but it was hard to keep. We went to meet Ajaan after seeing the Bhikkhunis and I would have started crying if I had talked about it. It’s not that I’m upset all times, but quite a lot of upset moments are coming up.
Then I can really wait until next year after the vassa, until Ajaan can take part.
In the end it’s important to give up desire and to become free from suffering. I wasted half a year running after something, the ordination, I will receive it, just not when I want it. Often when my mind was unquiet searching for a place to ordain, thinking about the unfairness of the treatment of women when it comes to ordination etc. etc. I knew deep down that I’m wasting time by concentrating on something that does not lead to freedom from suffering, so on something off topic.
I will continue keeping the 311 rules even when not ordained. It’s more important to be at peace and to work on the final goal, enlightenment than having the title Bhikkhuni. *sigh* It’s easier written then done. Patience, Phalanyani.
See if he will receive his meditation center finally and if then I’ll be invited to be there. It seems quite sure that I will not come back to America for the vassa, unless there is a meditation center, which now is most uncertain. To go for the vassa and then leave again is just too expensive.
(I do, of course, consider in a hidden nook of mind to go for the secret ordination and then just stay in the forest in Thailand somewhere, but there are some obstacles, like putting those monks who do it to go to jail for an ordination that will probably not be accepted by anyone, obtaining a Thai visa once mine expires …)
Thanks, guys, for mental support, the agony goes on but I will try not to be in agony any more.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

same old question agin

Still I am at the lay peoples house and the best is, they are as happy to have me as visitor as i'm to be their guest. She told me that she was afraid and worried before I came, how it will be to host a nun. Yesterday she asked if I could extend my stay ...
The best is, she has a lot of questions about meditation and I can give her answers. The man i hardly meet, and I never spoke with him.
Day before yesterday I finished sewing the bhikkhuni vest so that I have now one entire st of robes complete. After finishing sewing I started to learn pali, second lesson today, it's easier that Thai.
I can meditate a lot but my concentration is not strong these days. Lots of thoughts are swirling through the mind.
Yesterday I met Ajaan, again I asked about Bhikkhuni ordination. He lately changed his mind and tells me I cannot stay with him as my teacher after ordination. asked if I can stay with him if I wait until he can do the ordination and then ordain with him, he said: "that's possible"? asked if I could until then continue to keep the Bhikkhuni rules he said: "if you do not claim to be a Bhikkhuni" asked if I could come back when ordained as Bhikkhuni with someone else he answered: after 5 years." "After two years, then, it's two years for Bhikkhunis to stay with their preceptor" I said.
The situation is difficult, there is presently no place for me, there is just no room, and if or when the situation will change is most uncertain.
So I was thinking last night what to do ... Give up every further try to receive ordination and hope that in one and a half year, when Ajaan is ready to ordain, that he until then didn't change his mind and still is willing to give me ordination and that the situation with the meditation center will be better and there will be room for me to stay.
Or just go for ordination whenever with whomever it will be given and forget about Ajaan.

Not an easy question.
I'm open for input.

Thursday, May 13, 2010


I'm back in L.A. The climate is much more convenient, warm at night, sooo good.
Not that I want to complain about the shed in my sisters garden. It's lovely. Just the climate was not that one would enjoy a breeze through the cracks or a little shower of fresh rain water upon the pillow. It shouldn't have been windy or rainy at this time of the year and I hope for those who will stay in the shed, now that I'm gone, that it will be a bit warmer.
Here I stay in the house of some lay people, a Thai couple. They've put two extra doors to separate "my" part from the rest of the house, to make the room situation more proper. So nice of them. Now I have two rooms, a sleeping- and a meditation room full of Buddha and monk statues and a huge bathroom. What a luxurious live. It's quiet and as I found out today very good for meditation. I feel grateful and fortunate.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

the story of the little one

long time back, humankind was not jet developed, a small creature lived in a place that is now known as Europe, in a cave in mountains that many millenniums later would be called the Alps.
The creature was, without her having knowledge of it, a female being, a young one. She was hairy but not as hairy as an ape. She was able to walk on two legs but sometimes it was comfortable to support walking with the long arms, when they were not used to carry or do something.
Although she didn’t know to count days or years and couldn’t tell her age (or was aware that something like ageing existed), she knew that there was someone living before her. Two creatures who cared for her, fed her, then showed how to find food herself, how to find shelter. Both creatures were taller than she herself but she was getting taller, as well. There were other creatures around, similar to her and to the taller ones, all living in a big cave. Some of the taller ones went away regularly to get other creatures, different ones, who were there for eating and for keeping warm. Some creatures, those tiny ones, were funny to watch, some creeping, some wiggling, some moving through the air. In the end it was all about finding out which of all these creatures were easy to catch and good to eat.
By the time she had noticed a changes, sometimes it was cold, dark and ugly and everything was covered with white, for a long time, or it was muddy and it was very difficult to find enough food. Then it got warmer and more pleasant very slowly, green sprouts and roots and moving food in abundance, then it got dry and warm and water was sometimes little and then all green disappeared. Most times it was cold, although she could not tell it was.
And there was another change she noticed, a quick change between light and darkness, warmer and colder, the dark was full of weird sounds although most tall creatures seem to be sleeping. The bright light sounds were friendlier, more familiar than those of the dark. Sometimes she watched the light dots above her but had no idea what it was or what or why the dark was.
When watching the moving things move, or the green things grow out of themselves or the light spots above her or when others came after some time with new food, she had feelings although she had now words for it. She couldn’t share with the others what was going on, not only because there were no words but as well because the others were busy getting food.
There was something inside her, moving, always, sometimes faster, sometimes slow, sometimes it seemed to jump out of her, in occasions. She had seen this in the others as well, there was always something moving, like they were full of this moving creatures they were eating. She was wandering what was inside of her. Was it the same like those beings that they caught and ate?
She had learned that there were dangers, that was when everybody’s insides were moving quickly but they hid and kept quiet. She understood that she, too, is food for others. She also had learned that some of the taller ones stared smelling stronger and losing the red liquid, at that time others of the taller ones were more aggressive and always around the bleeding ones attacking those who wanted to come closer. She had none of it, not the bleeding nor the being around aggressively - and was very happy about it.
Once it happened that 3 of the tall ones didn’t come back with food, among them was one of her caretakers. Others went to find food.
They had to eat a lot of green in the meantime. Suddenly, after eating, some of the others, tall ones and small ones, could not get up anymore, they were winding and whimpering, bad smelling liquid came out of their bodies and then they didn’t move anymore.
Only three bleeding tall ones and some short ones were left, when unknown walking-on-to-legs-creatures came into the cave. She, the little one, was in the back of the cave, not seen, hidden by a rock. She heard screaming, growling, beating, she smelled the red liquid and a smell that she knew from fear. She had fear, immensely. After a while all sounds ceased and she dared to look over the rock. She was alone …
After some getting bright and darks the smell in the cave was unbearable - the ones who had eaten the green didn’t get up or moved, they had changed color and looked like left-over-food when it was not eatable anymore - and she had not eaten for some time, so she left the cave. While she was looking for some green to eat, always looking out for unknown ones and carefully choosing only the green that she knew, she saw one of the tall ones she knew coming back from far.
No one else was coming back, but he had at least some food with him. The creature he brought had a back shield. She took it, cleaned it and managed to fasten it on her back. She felt strong and protected with it.
They left the cave and moved higher up on the mountain where they found another cave, good protected and not easy to find, right behind a cliff above a deep abyss. Here it was more cold and less food but enough for them to survive.
It was a perfect place to live, once other creatures came close to the cave and when they were on the cliff above the abyss, her caretaker just pushed them down the abyss and they never came back and he expressed his victory and triumph with roaring sounds wild gestures. That happened quite sometimes.
One day the tall one came to her, with a look and a smell she knew from the aggressive tall ones when they rub over the other tall ones that were bleeding. He came over her and suddenly she felt incredible pain. She screamed and wanted to get away, he forced her down and stared rubbing. She felt pain and fear and hatred. She was bleeding between the legs. Now she would be like those who were bleeding sometimes. She didn’t like that.
It was a cold white time, and he was about to go and get some food, without hesitation she came after him and pushed him over the cliff. She didn’t want him to rub over her again and she knew that he wouldn’t not come back anymore, once over the cliff. She felt strong, victory, triumph!
Only at getting dark outside she noticed that she was alone now. And becoming hungry, she noticed she had no more food. With next daylight she went out but could not find any green at all. She felt a fear creeping up within her stronger than she ever felt before. It was cold alone, and hunger weakened the body. Next day she walked further but found no green food. At night she couldn’t sleep of fear and hunger and she tried to get deeper in her back shield that had become smaller somehow. She tried to eat the cold white. It helped just very little and she was shivering of cold. She decided to go down and find the others in the old cave, they must be back.
She found the cave and approached carefully. It smelled different than when they had left. No sounds! - but they must have come back, the cave was not abandoned. She tried to find some green food, slowly without making noise and then headed back to the cave. When she heard sound from afar she ran into the cave without hesitation and hid behind the rock as she did earlier in danger. The face as much into the corner, crouched, with the back shield to the open, though, not visible until someone would come into this corner of the cave. She heard her heart beating loud in her ears and tried not to breathe although she seemed to need more breath than usually. She heard the sounds of the others coming closer, the sounds were not familiar. Someone else took over the cave.
She remained unmoved in the corner for hours, just listening to the unknown sounds and to her heartbeat. Fear, fear. No way out! Trapped! She wanted to see who had come to live in “her” cave but didn’t dare. A single sound or movement could reveal her presence.
She was hungry, thirsty and weak, highly concentrated not to move and to control her breath. The entire day and night. First it was pain all over not to move, now she couldn’t feel her body anymore.
Her inner made noises, she couldn’t control that. Then she heard someone coming closer, then she felt something cold or hot, not possible to distinguish, then it felt hot all over or cold, a light flashed inside her and then perception stopped.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

carmel again

back at my sisters, it's warmer now, think I will not get a cold on the kidneys again while sleeping in the shed and the itch-pimple-desease that the Bhikkhuni and I caught when we were in the forest is gone. Strange that I got sick so often here in the US. Anyway health is back and I have 3 and a half weeks left to stay in America.
Short before leaving the Bhikkhunis I was told that I have their support for my Bhikkhuni ordination. I was very touched, HAPPY!

Sunday, May 2, 2010


It feels as if it would be time for the next intensive retreat. But the situation is just not favorable for it. After reading a lot Dhamma, living with the sisters, staying at my sister's, going to the forest etc.etc. I would like to retire from samsara. What have I lost here? Is there any importance to leave the room or the meditation cushion as long as one is not yet enlightened? No, not really.
But I'm on the go. Tomorrow my brother in law will pick me up and I will again stay for some days with my sister and her family.
After that? It was planned I'll be back in L.A. beginning of May to help prepare and then attend the Ajaans birthday which is on ninth of May. But presently I'm not sure at all, if I go back there. I came to help establish a meditation center which unfortunately will not be done so fast. Instead I met an Ajaan who didn't seem to welcome or need me and a secretary who didn't want me and convinced some of those who treated me equal to a monk not to do so anymore. hmmm.
No, not angry, I see that it is not the moment yet to have that center, I saw it's potential arising and ceasing and understand the causes. no reason for anger. But going to where I'm not welcome ...? Of course, a lot of money was spent to get me there, to meet the Ajaan. Stay in a situation that makes unwholesome thoughts and anger arise in a person? Disliking, disliking, disl ... but I should stay with my preceptor, if I or others like it or not. It's my obligation.
Last night i spent one hour turning on my mat, thinking the cause back and forth until I finally remembered that I'm a strong meditator and should not have my mind go astray in wild thoughts about past and future happenings or places I want or not want to be, but just wait and see what will happen. All I know is that I will not fight for any position as for example to be a secretary instead of the secretary nor will I break any of the rules to appear more aimable and helpful. I can't do a chore for laypeople and if a lay asks me to serve the monks and clean, i can't do that. Anyway, after watching two risings and fallings of the abdomen I fell deeply asleep.
In the end, I have to go to L.A. because I will leave from there to Germany on 31. of May. I still could go to see the nun in South Carolina but I have no sponsor for that anymore, she had to recall her offer.

Ajaan, mentioned now 3 times he could give me ordination when the time comes, (in 1 1/2 years), I should more deeply consider if this could be an option.