Monday, December 14, 2009

forest, forest nun

Back from the forest since two days, back to internet today. 6 people and a teacher and a lot of defilements there in the forest.
What for to leave the room and meet people?
To be yelled at, to become someone else’s personal object of hatred, to be sucked in other peoples tragedies, and to be told of the faults of all other people around?
I learned: when a woman is practicing Gurudevotion, I should just not get in her way.
It was a nice forest, though. I practiced on a marvelous terrace above my room, the room was full with furniture, so I could not practice there, no door to close behind me. Close the sense doors phalañani.
After almost one year I met my preceptor. It was a pleasure meeting him. I could sit during report what I appreciated very much but which caused some suffering for others.
After some days I was very much surprised to hear that he agreed in my Bhikkhuni ordination and then coming to America. Eventually, I should go there for 2 months or so in january already and then to Sri Lanka for ordination. If it holds true and I really can ordain there next june. We’ll see.
Becoming Bhikkhuni, going to America or Sri Lanka, being made someone’s enemy, being someone’s friend, living in nice forests or shabby hut ... does it really matter, does it really exist other than as impurities of mind, illusions, just thoughts. I told Eric and I should remember: "What are our thoughts? Important? They are as important as farts. They may cause pain and suffering for a while, can be really bothering and bad smelling - but then they're gone. There is no sense in holding on to them. To neither :o)
Is a person who stands in front of another crying, yelling: “I need to see Noah, now! Accusing herself for all the bad she’s done, accusing me to hate her to follow after her, mentioning that her live is not worth to be lived, calling me sweet and good the next moment, then accusing me again and so on, is it a real danger? For whom? I managed to cool her down twice that night, and to wait until next afternoon to see the teacher instead of running there in the middle of the night. Next day: “I’m not talking to you again!!! And then I was told about the shitsophreny of one companion and the complete incapacity to do anything alone of another. “I need Noah, I need Noah.” From then on I tried myself not to meet her or excused myself after some friendly words. But there was only one small way through the womensection and we had the same direction to get food or to go to report and I was always outside. I will not tell more details.
Am I compassionate or an idiot when I tell the teacher what I see and hear? A compassionate idiot probably, a silly nun. Am I responsible or denunciating when I talk about peoples true intentions to do or not do something when I know them. Do I want to make me look better or is it a duty to the teacher to tell him what’s going on? There is this rule, that one should not try to hide one another’s faults … how far does that reach? It is very sensible and requires people who want to strive in the same direction and have fairly the same understanding of the Lord Buddha’s teaching. If not, quarrels are programmed, as it seems.
I tried to be pure at heart and acted and spoke with good intentions but at least once, I noticed that I’m speaking with sarcasm which implies kind of anger and which is not proper.
Conclusion after sleeping over it:
I‘m sorry to cause someone trouble just by being, I’m not welcome to come to America by at least one person and if I go to America I will eventually cause her more suffering then she already feels. She wants become a Theravada nun and will not accept me as her older sister. “The ordination is my life, Noah is all I have, I need him.”
I should consider not to go or if, not to go for much more than to see my sister and some Bhikkhunis, as I seem to be more flexible where and with whom I stay.


Branko said...

I didnćt understand much from your post, but it seems to me you were shooting some horror film located in the jungle :)

Anyway congratulation on the prospects to become a real Bhikkhuni :))

phalanyani said...

It was not my personal horror film, though. I was just there and tried to change the plot and make a happy end, it is not nice to see somebody else suffering.
I wrote a lot and in the end decided not to post it because it might not be fair to post a complete analysis of a person, even though I don’t write the names, some of the friends may know whom I’m writing of. She is cool again and happy to be on her way back to America.