Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Apoligies from the maechilion

a friend, a young, skilled nun, rebuked me. With all right. She said what I write about the monastery I'm going to stay at for the vassa makes her sad.
May she forgive me. When I write about the feeling of going to jail, then it says very much about the state of my mind which is not able to find freedom and not so very much about the place. It shows my limited capacities to socialize. When I say that I'm not going to leave my room often, that's because I can't control the mind doors.
When I complain about people talking too much and breaking rules it means I have not enough loving kindness for them and am clinging on to views about how I think monastics and meditators should behave.
I'm not better than the others - wanting to keep rules but breaking them.
This elderly nun is more a weird reclusive and far away from being a good Mae Chii.
A Maechilion, a strange animal that seeks a peaceful and secluded place in the zoo. (not any specific place)
Yesterday a monk came to stay overnight. For him I was really a Maechilion :o).
He observed everything I did, he watched me meditating, walking around and doing things, chanting. This morning he observed me leaving for almsround, after almsround he checked what I have got. I offered him some of my food in which he seemed to be interested. And when I mixed all food in my bowl and did the chant, he came very close to check the contend of the bowl. And sometimes he was pleased and exited as if I'd just had shown a funny trick.
This blog is a diary full of stories of failure, success, personal views, feelings. It's for friends and family to know where and how I am and to laugh about it later. It is - apart from little personal e-mail communication - the only platform to speak about my struggle on the path. So please be patient and forgive me when I'm wrong.


Budd the cat with Ha said...

Life be it monastic or lay really is not easy. However,your path is a blessed one and I am grateful to be able to follow it on your blog. Of course you will fall down sometimes, who doesnt, but you seem to know your direction. Thank you for sharing.

phalanyani said...

Hi Budd,
thanks, some encouragement does good from time to time.
be well

Nadia said...

I have written you that it is nothing to forgive. And I have no rights to rebuke you. And I should not wrote that letter. Sorry. I am just tired.
May be you are not the best maechi but you will ordain and became a good bhikkhuni :)