Friday, June 26, 2009

going home?

I am asked to come home, to overtake a job in a Galerie and to live the normal Laypeoples life again.
I will honestly consider it. It's maybe the best and last chance for me to go back and have a job rightaway. To find a job in this samsaraworld is not easy for a 50 years old weird woman.

The thought of going back feels completely wrong.
Everybody here is expecting me to go home because Im without teacher. That's an important point but no reason to go back. Actually I'm not really without teacher, I meet my preceptor regularly and do courses with him and will stay for the vassa in his monastery.
Presently I cannot imagine to ever live a Laypeoples life again. It's not the job, I'm not a lazy person.
And I'm not brainwashed in that sense that a dubiouse leader of an odd sect is influencing me to do whatever he wants. Brainwashed may I be, in the sense that I could clean up and clear my mind in the last year clearence continues uninterrupted until the mind becomes pure.

It is maybe hard to understand for those amongst you who never have been ordained as a Buddhist monastic. I feel like a monk (yes, correct, monk, not nun) through and through and I do not have very much desire for the things I use to like before. (To the dog I'm still attached)
There is no other desire (apart from having my dog with me) than to study and spread the Dhamma and to find the ultimate goal: liberation from suffering. Samsare bhayam ikkhati. I turned into one who sees the danger in worldly things. A good achievement for a nun. Not so easy to deal with for someone who has to face all these wordly things again after happily letting them go.

Sometimes I'm sad that I came that far to see a glimps of truth to understand the message of the Buddhas teaching. This almost leaves no choice, there is no other solution then living the holy life. What can I do? I can't even drive a car anymore knowing that I will kill plenty beings with every meter I drive, I can't sit in a gallery and tell lies for somebody and sell nonsense called art. I cant do comedy anymore, I don't want to be in the center of attention again, knowing that the laughter I bring is only a release for a moment and not a way out of illusion.
I was very happy in the former live, had a nice home, good friends, a dog beloved as if it was a child. I loved that, honestly.
But this kind of love does not allow to free oneself nor any other being in this world. This kind of (Lay)life seems not to be a safe refuge anymore, as it seemed before.

I didn't knew that I would change so much when I left home to ordain for a year.

I don't know if I ever manage to set up a center on my own. I hope I could, but I can't do it alone. It will not be in Thailand for sure. And I need time and support for it.

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