Friday, October 30, 2009


As if i was on a noisy colerful faire, had enough of it and went to a cave where, so i was told by going through entirely i would find perfect peace.
I walked deeper and deeper into the cave, sometimes - scared i ran back, even back out to the faire, just to find out that a faire is nothing for me. Deeper in the cave it's calm sometimes, no sound no light from the outside comes here. Some places are illuminated by a mysterious glimmering light, inviting to stay, giving light to many very interesing things in the chamber of the cave, pretending this is it, the goal, the end of search. But by further examination it comes clear: this is not the goal.
So further again, through the tunnels of this cave, deeper and deeper. the way back impossible to go. The way ahead? Who knows.
Many people enter such a cave. Some turn back half way through and teach the world some half way truth. Some go back and boost how brave the have been. Many stay in one of those chambers with glimmering light, honestly thinking this is It. Few get to the other end and out there to freedom of suffering.
May i have the strength to go on, further, forth, out of the darkness into the light of nibbana.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

endless ...

On retreat again. Difficult! Very difficult.
I can concentrate resp. be mindful just 40 -45 minutes, no matter how much i determine not to move for 60 minutes, i start moving, jumping up etc. Since some days now. Lots of time while meditation wasted with drowsiness. Not thinking very much more just sitting there dump.
I'm definitely escaping, or at least trying to. Don't want to meditate anymore at all. It's boooooooring. 12 hours rising and falling of breath or lifting, moving, etc., daydreaming: forbidden, thinking: too tired. Sweeping and report are the only entertainments. Well, and writing blog. [shouldn't write]
the task i choose is eventually too difficult. Eradicate liking and disliking or greed and hatred or dosa and moha or however you name it.
It's what has to be done, of course. But phalañani is just a little nun and silly, not to forget.
... Ahhhrg!!
want my mama, want my dog, a little greed a little anger, what does that matter? Rest, rest, sleeeeep.
I have no idea, honestly, how i get this body out of bed at two in the morning and make these feet walk.
One week no vomits, at least ... One more week, then kitchen team changes, everything is impermanet.
These boring states of agonie as well. Eyes shut, phalañani and go through.

Monday, October 26, 2009

strong woman

Mother is o.k., the surgery was without problems and that what was suspected to be cancer turned out to be harmless.
Second time i didn't need to go to germany. Relief. I would have gone in both cases without hesitation and complaints [do i say now, not going].
My mothers spouse gets along with the dog-i-love quite well although he, the spouse, can hardly walk.

I took chance to meditate either on metta [loving-kindness] for my mother or on impermanence and the suffering that results of old age and sickness and impressed myself with coolness about the ongoings. Only a week or two ago i cried like a child because i can't help my mother [i didn't knew by then, that she was not well and was more concerned about not being able to help her to get out of samsara]. Now i was clear and calm but prepared to act.

The plans to travel and be around and about while ajahn is not here changed. I just went one afternoon to met some people i know. It was nice to meet them, but i felt i have nothing to do out there in this world. In a place, where i was waiting i saw a part of a computeranimated movie, something like mars attacs goldengatebridge was destroeyed. Saw just a minute, but it was not easy not to be sucked into it. I used to like such computeranimated movies.
I'm still attached to movies, to orange superkitchy sunsets, dogs ...
So, I'm better on retreat again.

for tinh quang

Dear tinh quang,
sorry, that's written since long but i dont find the comment to add it there.

Very good to hear from you! And thank you very much for your compassion. It does good to know on the other side of the world someone cares.
yesterday the kitchenteam changed and the next two weeks i will receive garlic free food, i'm promised. I go with my almbowl to the kitchen and eat what i get. It's ok.
Yesterday i had a bowl full of fruit for lunch and today rice and fried egg. Another nun sometimes comes and brings some snacks sometimes.
As soon as i can go out to the village for almsround it will be better i guess. before i came here, to this monastery, i had no problems with thai-food.
If ever possible i will not eat after 12:00 h but lately i often take soymilk in the afternoon.
I wrote that right after receiving your comment. Now since vomits since then.

I will not, like you did, take a bodhisattva vow. in theravada we look for own enlightenment first, that's difficult enough, but on the way i hope to be able to touch and teach many people and help as much as possible beings to find the path which leads towards the end of suffering.

I send you a long, warm, sisterly hug and rejoyce in your luck to be bhikkhuni now.

Friday, October 23, 2009

die mam

My mother is in hospital, this morning i received the message from my aunt. A heart surgery, they have to put a bypass and to do another operation. I don't have detailed information now but prepare to leave to germany to help when she comes out of hospital.
Presently i wait for news and info wether to go or not.

We are, indeed, fragile and tomorrow, indeed, death may come.

grumpy nuns

Grumpy nuns
Before i came here to this monastery i thought i will never be able to be amongst these grumpy old nuns for 3 month, now after 3 month and a half i know: most of these nuns are wonderful beings and the grumpy one - that's me.

I had an appointment to talk about future with Ajahn, it was done quick: 'you can stay' he said, that was it.
The bhikkhuni showed a little bit enthusiasm when i mentioned i will probabely stay [but don't give up the forest entirely for now].
Where- and whenever i find a place to ordain as bhikkhuni, afterwards i will be welcomed to stay here.

Someone accused me i only want to become a bhikkhuni to get a higher seat and better food.
If this was or will be my motivation for bhikkhuni ordination then i would really not be worth it.
Yesterday i heard that wanting to be bhikkhuni is wanting to make politics and fight for womans liberation.
Well when i was 16 i read articles of alice schwarzer, the german feminist and fought for womens rights, with 20 i was through with it, more or less ...
I just want to be a bhikkhuni and sit somewhere to strive for nibbana, with the blessings and privileges and rules and burdens of a fully ordained person, because the buddha said that's the way to freedom of suffering.
Life is short, tomorrow death may come, who knows.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


Kathina ceremony is done and we can go back to routine. In my case it means meditation, meditation.
Ajahn tong came to attend our ceremony but he was weaker than last time, stayed short and didn't give much blessings. I was lucky and somehow was kneeling between our ajahn and ajahn tong and on one side i received a 'tock' with the fan on my head and from the other side i was showerd with paritta-blessed water.
The trip to the forest and the ceremonies made my loose equanimity a bit. Before the trip i had very little thoughts during meditation and 3 - 4 hours sleep was really enough, i was happy and peaceful. Now thinking is back and i need 6 - 8 hours sleep, don't even hear alarm clocks.
Mind is ok, just not tranquil but body is quite bad since more then one week.
mindful vomiting. Can't just be the garlic that causes troubles.
But i don't want to speak or think about it anymore. I go with my almsbowl to the kitchen, give a blessing and eat what i receive, sometimes i vomit, sometimes not. I break the rule of not keeping food and gather fruits 2 - 3 days until i have enough for an entire meal.
So far i don't have signs of being malnutritioned and i still have some multivitamins, so i will eventually survive :o)

long time

Long time since last entry.
Meanwhile the vassa is over tomorrow we will have kathina ceremony, today we already have hundreds of people here, it's a busy coming and going, as soon one leaves the room, one stumbles over people. For the amount of people around it's estonishing silent.
Tonight we have a first ceremony.
I was at the forest for two days it was wonderful. The dogs are not in best shape but ok., the puppy almost freaked out when it saw me. It howeld, jumped and peed whenever it saw me.
The mother dog was quiet. This dog has seen and understood suffering and is taking it with humble dignity. It's an incredible dog.
For about one week i thought i would travel to germany and already informed the family but now it turnes out that i will not go. The organizer can not pay 4 flights, only 3 and there are not enough rooms. And to be honest, they don't really need me there, people nowadays speak english and ajahn as well.
Not to go to germany gives me time to visit some friends and other monasteries. I'm just sorry for my mum because she was so happy to see me.
I'm now oficially invited to stay here and continue practice hopefully i can speak about future before he goes to germany. See if he really will support me for being bhikkhuni.