Sunday, September 27, 2009

good idea

HA! Haha. So stupid and blind ... I tryied to get rid of attachments and things or begings i'm attached to.
There is nothing to get rid of. how could that be forgotten.
'Getting rid of' is a violant act hurting everybody involved.
Nobody can't get rid of anything.
Just, when attachment arises it has to be noticed through mindfulness, transformed into non-attachment through restraint, concentration or wisdom, and in the best case remain transformed through understanding.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

just to have mentioned

With telling i didn't feel anger about the ride in the bus, the noise, the rulebreaking, being squeezed in, etc., i don't want to claim that i have mastered dosa [anger, disliking, hatred], not at all.
It comes up often enough to know i have a lot of work to do. For instance when some little mean ants are biting my legs while meditation.
Fear is rooted in dosa, and although i lost my panic about spiders in size of my palm or about scorpions, i can't say i am without fear.


Last night was the hardest night since long. At least since i was sitting in front of the buddhastatues crying and taking farewell of the world because i thought i was dying.
Last night i realized that i can't help my mother, my brother and sister and dog. Especially mother and dog ... I feel so responsable for them and want to help them. How nice.
But it's selfish clinging. Tztztz.
It's not that they can't live without me, rather i can't live without them. What is the wish to help - the wish to control. Same as the worries the other day.
The point is not to not love them, but to love them in a way without clinging.


Oh, oh, the instructor asked me to help him with a swiss and a japanese girl, to check if they understood everthing and explain some about meditation, he wanted to come later.
I started to explain, the instructor came back, but had me continue, when we were in the middle of checking walking meditation, he interrupted.
No problem so far, i expected that he will take over. His snatching back his meditation cushion while saying 'enough mae chii, you can go', was a little weird, though.
What i had not expected was the reaction of the girls. They got up, almost yelling NO!, the japanese said, 'i go with you, i want to follow your instruction, i dont stay with him', both their cushions in hands.
What to do, what to do?
The swiss girl was ready to go, he asked harsh 'where do you go?' 'please practice with him', said i when i left the room.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Happy birthday

Today we went to the pre-celebration of ajahn Tongs birthday which is tomorrow - we'll go again.
Two hugh busses, some vans and several cars full of monks, nuns and laypeople.
I was sitting with some other nuns in a bus full of lay.
Laypeople and me, that's like water and oil, you can't mix it. Like the sun and the moon, the don't come together. Like a round pot and a square cover, it doesn't fit.
They were happy to be able to break rule of not talking, they wanted to break the rule of not listening to music and turned radio on, but the driver turned it off, fortunately!
Monks birthday parties are always the same. Sitting, chanting, kreeping [for the laypeople], sitting, ... the more important the monk, the more people are present. Ajahn Tong has the monastery full of people for 3 days.

Next day same procedure. On the way to chom tong i was squeezed in between the window and a rather big [weight 3 times me] woman who had fallen asleep. Some month ago this would have been tourture for me, horror, now i kept cool, watched my breath and was wondering why i was not angry or displeased. i tried to be mindful all day and failed sometimes.
In the afternoon i was almost kicked knock out, because ajahn Tong through little coins wrapped in colorful material into the audience, as i was sitting quite close many coins came in my direction. i was the last one around who remained seated, the others krept, with a hush of hystery, on the floor trying to catch coins. Then two people realized that i don't catch and that there are some coins underneath and around my chair. In that moment i was just a bothering obstacle which had to get out of way, no matter what. a usually peaceful lady pushed me aside and started diving between the chairs, butt up. After getting all coins, must have been 5 - 6, she realized that her butt was in a half fallen nuns face and with a shy excuse she dissapeared.
I took two coins which had fallen onto my laps.
On the way back the bus was full and about 20 people nun included, had to wait an hour for another bus to come. Apart from those detailes, the ceremonies were really nice and it was an honor and a pleasure to be present and close to the radiant, great monk Ajahn Tong.

Monday, September 21, 2009

news ticker

News ticker:
- after talking with the mae chii mentioned here, i'm given garlic-free food again. Mae chii sukjai's special task. in fact, there are still two bhikkhunis staying here, they just don't eat in the diningroom. so the kitchen nuns don't prepare food just for me, which makes it easier for me to deal with this extra-service.

- the kitchen nuns are so much better at heart then i will ever be.
May i learn humbleness and be worthy of their help.

- dear shinmei dokujo i answer your here: no, i don't feel like copeing. But i meditate enough not to stir up in mind. I won't change thaiculture, thaiwomen have to do it themselves.

- i make people cry ... A girl asked for a blessing, when i finished she had tears in her eyes; another girl cryed while i gave her instruction and later everytime she spoke with me and another girl's eyes were full of tears when i gave a dhammatalk about buddhist basic knowledge.

- pawn, a very tough thaiwomen, 'not scared of anything', comes when she sees me and either kneels down or hugs me and sais 'i love you', i love you, your my mother'.
it would be eventually o.k. if i were a great being, worth it but trust me i'm not.
life is easier alone in the forest.

- 'now get rid of your attachments', sais ajahn. When trying, i want to escape, fall asleep, do some cleaning ... facing the attachment to 'my' dog led 3 times to uncomfortable sleep while sitting in meditating. i just block. told it ajahn, he laughed.

- i'm asked to go to germany, warburg in october to help ajahn with a retreat. Hope to see some of you! More on this later.

- yesterday we did first paritta chanting for ajahn Tongs birhday which is on sept. 21.

- skipping 2ond paritta chanting and do some hours of meditation instead, guess that's in ajahn Tong's sense. Although it would be a good excuse not to meditate ...

- o.k., so far i see that attachment is just a state of mind, getting rid of it is not more than a change of mind, as it seems. Knowing this doesn't mean that i automatically can do it.

- through with paritta chanting. Was tired and lazy a few days, which means i meditated only 10 hours instead of 12 - 14. Wanted to sleep more, almost could not get up after 4 hours.
Then felt strong again, need more mental power and concentration ...

- The try to sew a pair of long under-trousers failed. Have to try again otherwise it will be dam cold in germany.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Funny coincidence

Since 2 days garlic again, no more extrafood, which i understand, to be honest. The bhikkhunis left, so i'm the only one who askes for food without garlic. Hence, i do mindful vomiting and have diarreah again. I'll eat rice with sauce for now and receive snacks and fruit sometimes. that'll do.

Today in the afternoon i was sweeping leaves around the kuti of a kitchen-nun, when she came out and started to ask where i come from. 'Germany', i said. 'germans have a lot of money', said she. I tried to tell her that economy is going down, i'm not sure wether my gestures with the arms could explain the whole extend of recession in europe. She frankly asked if i have money. I went to get the thai-book and tried to explain that i get donations sometimes and i use some of it for telefone and internet to stay in touch with my family, friends and students, for visa and robecloth, but that i don't want to touch money - like a monk, [i shouldn't have said that because most thai monks handle money without seeing fault in it] because it's not good and the buddha said monks and nuns should not touch it. 'Ohh! I touch money and i like it.' was her spontaneous answer, 'but i don't get some'. [which i know is not true because i gave her the envelope i received a week or 2 ago and i know it contained money.]

Wanting to go back to the forest, to be alone, to leave thailand. But who am i to judge, now as i found out that defilements are really deep rooted in my mind.
Not only compassion [karuna]is lacking, some more patience [khanti] might be helpful, too.


thought it might be good to start the course all over again. Here we go.
I felt so much compassion and worry for a friend. And was wondering why Buddha said compassion is wholesome while worry is unwholesome.
Doesn't seem correct on the first sight ...
Worry [kukkuca] is rooted in anger. Compassion [karuna] is pure.
An example. We see somebody loosing weight because of not eating much for a reason we don't know. When we feel worry, we want to change the sitation to make it as we want it to be. We have the conceit that we know better than the other. If we can't change we get angry and eventually start to quarrel. So, there is indeed anger, wanting, conceit, even if we mean good. A worried person would try to oblige the other one to eat to not become thinner, without asking for or respecting the other ones motivation not to eat.
Compassion is pure and not influenced of our own views and wishes. A compassionate person would, in the same case, be there, waiting with some food, in case the other one needs it and does not insist if the other don't takes the food.

May i get rid of the pride to be a compassionate person and of all worry and become truly compassionate.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

latest insights

Oh, here are the latest insights:
[ajahn askes every day if i have any new insights]
Letting go is an active process. One has to open the hand to release what one holds in it and same, on has to open the heart and mind to release all the stupid thoughts, wrong views, and defilements one holds on to.

Life is a mere process of changing events and changing sensations. A process. Not a fixum.


Got through the course quickly and worked on equanimity for some days. I'm having a different determination this time. Ajahn calls it 'natural determination'. I continue 4 hours sleep and 10 - 14 hours practice.
This time it's really going good and i hope i can at least keep the sleeping rythem and get the same results in meditation, when practicing only 6 hours and be mindful the rest of the time.
Ajahn confirmed my former thought that the 8 fold noble path is to be followed, not only mindfulness which is only one part of 8.
I still often struggle with equanimity. Although i am really peaceful sometimes, i know that it is only on the surface. I felt like a cool lake where formerly a volcano was active, but under the quiet surface it's very vivid ...
The chest and heart is opening. I have a tention in the left shoulder and a tendency to bend a litte to the left since i can think. Some days ago the chest cracked open again, today the shoulder. The heart seems to have grown. My faith in the Buddha and his teaching were hugh already now it's enormous.
In some moments i feel incredibly much love and compassion. Where to put it? In a smile.
in other moments i see the defilements that are left. So many and i guess i only see the pieck of the iceberg.
Since more then 2 month i leave my room only for report, eating, and sweeping. [with very few excepcions like going to immigration office] under these circumstances it's easy to calm down and control defilements.

interim report

No more back pain since some days even when sitting and walking straight for 14 hours daily. The back used to hurt after 6 hours meditation. At night feet are very tired and i feel tention in the right leg and left shoulder while sitting.
Wonder if that as well dissapears. Man, who have thought that. When i strarted, with vipassana, i could sit in full lotus for 40 minutes, but halflotus was painful and walkingmeditation was torture. In my first course i felt as if i have to pull heavy loads when walking, at night i krept crying on all four. Sometimes i fell over like fading. Sitting was easier but compared with how i sit now it was torture as well.
If anybody who reads this suffers from having the "restless legs": practice meditation excessively. I had it and often couldn't sleep because legs were itching and twitching. Now it's 99% gone and only is back when i happen to meditate less then 4 hours.