Tuesday, March 31, 2009

ceremony for a dead

It was about time for a new determination: no lying down for sleeping and no interruption of meditation for no reason and may that cause my death.
Yesterday I was scared to go crazy, to be honest.
still I seem to have a fable for the dramatic. In the end I did not sleep or, lets say, I did not lie down but I slept sometimes while sitting.
in a break I checked the dogs. One, the white was very bad and weak, suffering, I sent an s.o.s. message for information how I could help this little suffering being. After the next set of meditation answer arrived.
When I checked this morning, the puppy was more dead than alife, already icecold and with faint respiration. I tried to warm and feed it. It couldn't swallow. It got a little warmer, but died in my hands silently. End of suffering for this one. The mother observed what I was doing and knew instantly that the puppy was dead and she gave up licking it while I was still hoping it would eventually breath again.
when i did a little ceremony for the dead, the mother dog came, sniffeled and layed down at my side. Later I burned the small corpse. I piled wood and put the body on top. The mother came and howled short then went to the still alife babies.
The woodpile twisted and fell over when it started to burn, the dead body rolled aside. I tried to pile everything again without burning my hands, the body had catched fire already. When I had everything in position again, I saw the process of burning of the little dog.
At one point, it made a short sound as if it was still crying and then some milk came shooted out of the nose. I don't go into more detail.
We all are going to be burned or rotting in a box under earth one day. I prefer to have this body burned when time comes, by the way. But don't watch it ...
it was a very intense experience after the first night of determination.
May that being find a better birth, may it be born close to the dhamma with the ability to listen, understand and live the dhamma. May it's journey to nibbana not be long.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

nibbana-sacchi-kiriya ca etam mangalam uttamam

The fourth day in life of 4 puppies is same as the 3 former day's: looking for food, eating, sleeping, having tummy ache from thai food, winding, crying, being bitten by flees, not being able to scratch yet, crying, winding, farting and smelling like a bunch of skunks, being hungry, looking for food ...
Now they have kind of rhythm. 3 of them are getting fat, one, the white, fetched a cold and is the smallest, it's not looking like a pig anymore, poor thing it can't drink much because it can't breath. Suffering ...
They moved closer to civilisation, out of the forest, and stay on the terrace of one of the huts. its easier for us to maintain the mother and give her food and drink.

Day before yesterday two people i know from our time at wat tam bua tong came to see me, Vichai and Vichian. I know a lot of words in thai now, but i can't put them in an order that makes sense for the listener, and pronunciation must be horrible. But they did their best to understand what i was trying to tell. Had not much to say, though.

I'm thinking of running away, away from meditation. Physically and mentally, i just want to escape from what i see and experience. Not easy to encourage myself to get rid of my “self”. Much easier to watch puppies or to learn thai. But at present i do not even take delight in puppies. They are and they need, i help if i can, that's it.
Of course i will not run away. I know seeing misery, suffering, danger etc. is part of the process. Feel like i could need a teacher, but want to get through alone at the same time, being convinced i can make it and terrified that i may fail. Have to work harder on equanimity!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


last night shanti the templedog gave birth to 4 little dogs. 1 white, 2 different tones on the gray scale and one black. They still have their eyes closed. Shanti was in a kind of afterbirth euphoric this morning and came running through the monastery to find me. Lumpoh is very, very happy and smiles from one ear to the other and i'm emotionalized and glad that i don't have to give birth to someone ...

Small as they are, just a few hours old they start to have different characters, impressionable. The white one is the most vivid and noisiest. for now their main interest is to find mothers tits.
A pity that Laa didn't bring more medicine for this itchy skin disease (reude) don't know the english name) so they all will have to suffer from this same disease right from the start. In europe you just put on some drops and it's gone, but to find dogs medicine here is not easy and it's too expensive i can't ask the people to donate for dogs medicine when they cannot effort the medicine for themselves.

A week ago shanti showed me her nest that she found for the event of birth between some old cutted trees. It is perfect for the purpose and i didn't give in to the wanting to build her a nest close to my kuti. How do they know what to do when? It's incredible. They look for nests, store food, etc. It's the first time she was pregnant, how did she know how to give birth ...
Probably by not thinking over it.

Two or three weeks ago she entered the Buddha hall while we were chanting, which she usually never does, and she stayed until we had chanted a blessing for the baybies.


today I feel all the selfpity of someone who was left alone, of one, others need to get rid of, like getting rid of things they don't want no more.

This is an old, well known feeling that accompanies me all life. "nobody loves me ..." with a subpressed sigh and a herofece.
I'm not taking it very serious anymore, I know it's impermanent.
My mother told me, she wanted to get rid of me before I was born and jumped a lot and took hot bath's. [I don't blame here for this.] I must have been a problematic and pain causing fetus.
My deepest fear still is to eventually bother and make other people want to get rid of me.
Maybe I love to stay alone because then there is no danger of being one others want to get rid of.
Maybe that's why I always left, when it was nicest.
Anyway, today i'm licking wounds, there are some fresh ones I didn't care about yet; I said "selfpity, selfpity, ..." quite some time and wonder when I will internalize what I know since long: no "I", no wounds.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


when i walked back to the monastery from almsround this morning, i saw a film team in a woodcutters camp not far away from where i stay.
Seemed to be people i happen to know and i thought of calling and asking if it's them. But in the end i didn't, nor did i go to watch what they are doing. Meditated instead. More important.
They brought some elephants for whatever film the are making there and throghout the day we heared the trumpetsounds of the movielephants. Sound as if they don't like the job.

It was raining a little ...

No more ants in my room but while meditating my whole body is itching as if some of them came back to tease me. Wanting to look, wanting to scratch but i did not.

Dear sister, i answer you here and not in comments, it's easier ...
Before i ordained i wanted to become a Bhikkhuni but that had much to do with pride. “If I can't ordain as Bhikkhuni”, I thought, “i do not ordain”.
While being ordained as mae chii i often found it incredibly unfair that i cannot ordain as Bhikkhuni and sometimes i cried over it. (The whole “Bhikkhuni-affair” is actually incredibly unfair, but that has nothing to do with me and it's not worth a tear.)
Now it is really not very important anymore. I live like a Bhikkhuni and i heard that i look like one. Asking the villagers how many people go now on almsround in the village, they told me “3 monks”, “3 monks and 1 mae chii?” i asked, “no, 3 monks” was the answer, “you inclusive”.
Monks need to be monks for 20 years to be allowed to teach Bhikkhunis, he has less. Hence, to be able to receive the teaching of the Dhamma in a language i can understand, a Dhamma that sounds like the Buddhas teaching and not like some catholic prechings or like some weird esothric stuff, i gave up the desire to become Bhikkhuni.
I'll keep you informed.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

new info on Bhikkhunis

Before I was taken to see a doctor for this food poisoning, I was lying in my room in kind of a delirium, in which i saw my body dying and rotting, eaten by worms and larves, falling apart become dust.
It was extremely realistic and clear. I do the meditation on death sometimes, but it never had the sharpness and clearness of what i saw a few days ago. The worms and larves part was quite disgusting, though ...but i watched it, knowing it is real although this is not the time and the place it is happening.

I feel kind of urgency afterwards to practice more intense to work harder to get rid of defilements and attachments.

That same day Lumpoh went to the “6-walkingsteps-monk” of whom i wrote earlier and who had invited us to come, alone. Doesn't matter, he'll invite us again if he really want to talk to me.

Last night I received latest news from Wat Ram Poeng. One of the Mae Chii's became Bhikkhuni and wears the robes in the same color than the monks do. She stays at Wat Ram Poeng. I was so impressed and excited that i almost couldn't sleep.
I feel too weak to go to town, otherwise I would run to ask all details aboubt the Bhikkuni's ordination and if I can do it, too.
Have I said in one of the former posts I'm not interested in becoming Bhikkhuni anymore? The new info and the new arisen urgency seem to have changed my mind about that again.

Friday, March 20, 2009



interesting word, interesting emotion. In every language it is said it moves, changes, scares, attaches, ...
love. The word has probably as many meanings as there are situations in which it is used. The person who says “love” means eventually something completely different than the person who hears it understands.
The emotion “love” is overloaded by so many expectations and hopes, it never can fulfill. Hence it leads to misunderstanding and finally to suffering.
It makes people alcoholics, killers, hopeless losers, idiots, and blind for reality in best case and in the end disenchanted. It makes people attached lifelong, makes them run away, makes them loose their mind, makes them marry, makes them slaves.

Why do I still believe in love then?
Because there is nothing wrong with the emotion but with our view about it. Take out passion put in compassion. stop wanting to have, start giving. Be friend.
And remember one thing: Whatever love does, if it hurts, enjoys, pleases, tortures - that's all just happening in your mind.
Love is. Not more then a drop of water dripping into more water.
It is, when it's pure, essential for life, you can't hold it, you never know where it goes next and when it is mixed with water that's unpure it becomes poisonous.
Don't run away when you come to find a source of pure water. Don't be scared, be pure.

I got a little skinny, but today i can eat again, not much, though. Still quite weak. Laa took me back to the monastery after alms round.
Forgot to mention that i'm on course again. Interesting coincidence that I got sick last time when I was on course. Same day.
In the beginning i most time got a little fever or some sickness after finishing a course.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


after hearing somebody i know has cancer.

Some people seem just far to young to have cancer.
For a person in my age I would say: don't worry, give up hopes, meditate and try to become at least a sotapana and stop this stupid clinging. (please remind me - if necessary).
We all are dying, every day. No escape. No rewind.
What we do is what we get. So we better make sure to do our best, than we can face the moment of death peacefully.

But for this young woman, more a girl still, I would say: hope may be a helpful force to gain strength for healing but it is a dangerous trap and when you are not mindful you may stumble in it, cling on to it and end up frustrated. Give up hopes. Meditate to have strength and become a sotapana by the way. Then you don't need to be afraid if the operation fails. Don't waste a minute. Practice Vipassana. You know where the not-teacher teaches. Don't fight but do not give up. Let them do this operation and then you do what you have to do.

Knock out

day before yesterday i have eaten a mushroom dish with the result that i had a diarrhea the next day I won't go into detail but i couldn't even drink water and was not able to go on alms round this morning because i could not control or hold back the need to go to toilet or the cramps.
Laa came to see me at 8 o'clock and brought some food. After a day and a night of observing the fragileness of this bodies and of noticing suffering, i felt quite dizzy and almost fell over when Laa put the food in my bowl. That was when he decided to take over and and not let the silly nun eventually die here (i would not have died, i guess), so he ordered that we go to see a doctor.
I am now happy and grateful that he did.

Monday, March 16, 2009


we do not have mirrors here. I have a small one, just big enough to see one small part of the face, but i almost never use it.
It was quite surprising to see the pictures nadya took of me. When I saw them I first thought 'oh this woman wears the same robe as i do', and then realized that these are the pictures Nadya took the other day.
So this is how the nun Phalanyani looks like. (the one in brown robes, not the black one ...)

Sunday, March 15, 2009


as i mentioned i was invited to go to a Dhammatalk in a big monastery yesterday evening. To be honest i forgot the name of the monastery but it was big, with new construction in old style. many monks were staying in tents under trees partaking the parivara.
We arrived half an houre before the Dhammatalk started. The abbot, an old, seriouse looking monk, was waiting for us. Actually for ajahn Kasem, who was giving the talk. He has an american passport and has to apply for visas in Thailand and he speaks a good english.
After exchanging the greetings i went to toilet. When i came back i felt that our host was angry somehow. As soon as i was sitting again, he asked me why i wear brown robes.
“Because i live in a forest monastery and get dirty very fast when working and being around. Ajahn Tong allowed me to wear brown.” “you could wear brown while working and change into white afterwards. You look like a monk. People think you are a Bhikkhuni, but there are no Bhikkhunis in this world, they died out thousend years ago.” His voice had a shrill, slightly histeric sound now. But he cought himself quickly. “High monks are disscussing what to do with all the women who want to ordain as Bhikkunis. But there is no solution. Bhikkhunis do not exist anymore.” “In Sri Lanks, in Vietnam, in Japan and Korea they ...” I could not finish the sentence, he interrupted with hatred in his voice. “Naaah! They are not real. Pah! They ...” then he catched himself again. People don't understand why you wear brown. In thai socyety nuns wear white. Then everybody know it's a nun. We have rules and they say monks this color,”he took a part of his robe and lifted it that i can see it better, “nuns wear white. Otherwise we can not control it.”
During his sermon i remaind smiling friendly, watching him with a calm interest into his eyes, letting his words drip like small drops of water into a fire and saying hearing, hearing. Ajahn Kasem watched us both and at a point gaced at me like “say something”.
“There is another reason why i wear white”, i said, “when i was ordained i clearly heard the words 'you are now one how has gone forth', according to the vinaya one how has gone forth should wear brown in any tone. white is the color for laypeople, for hoseholders, hence i can not wear it, i am not a householder anymore. I don't want to make it a big political statement, usually i stay in the forestmonastery with lumpoh and the dog and they don't care of colors, the people who give me almsfood when i go on pindabat support me because what i'm and not because of what i wear.” Before he could say something it was time for Ajahn Kasem 's talk.
I was brought to a sitting place by elder women who talked loud while we were reaching the place, with the effect that everybody, most of all of the 100 monks and all laypeople turned around to watch me taking my seat on the mat on the floor. Somebody whisperd “Bhiksuni”. We then did a chanting and the talk started. I sat in straight meditation position and started to meditate with the determination not to move at all as long as the talk lasts. After some mosquito bites i could go to cessation and did not move until the chanting and bowing at the end of the talk begun. While everybody was leaving the place two monks came and took pictures of me without asking.
When we were about to leave, the woman who sat at my side was speaking with the abbot waiting at our car. When i came she asked if i am a bhikkhuni. He turned his back on me and explained that i'm not in a harsh way while he used the word “yome”. The woman defended me, saying that I was meditating so strong without moving while mosquitoses bite me, she never saw that before. Then she said something i didn't understand. The abbot turned around and said: “You see, they think you are Bhikkuni” but she said you were meditating so strong. “Yes”, I said, “i do practice a lot.” He repeated his argument that Bhikkhunis died out and that it is tradition that nuns wear white. “i understand your arguments” i said, not releaving the words – 'but i don't care about them, it's just wrong view, if you want control, don't be monk, if you want to be monk, stop controlling. Buddha had a fourfold community of Bhikkhus, Bhikkunis, Laymen and Laywomen, a country that denies this fact should not call itself Buddhist country. If there was an arahant, one who understands that there is no such thing like 'man', 'woman', he could just say 'Ehi Bhikkhuni' and the lineage would be reopend. But this poor world is without such a person'.
“Bhikkhuni, Mae Chii, Nun, are just words” was the next i said, “words are not important, what counts is what one has here,” i touched my chest, “in ones heart. I try to keep 310 Bhikkuni roules and even if i break some i'll keep more roules than a monk has.”
I expected he would get angry again, but he did not. He agreed instead, repeating twice “what counts is what one has in ones heart.”
A few month ago i cryed because i cannot become a Bhikkhuni here in Thailand. Funny, it's not important to me anymore.


nadya left this morning and even my room maids a colony of ants who lived in the wall of my kuti left me, taking their eggs and other treasures. The monks as well are gone. The dismissing of ants and monks was easy. lumpoh and i were brooming the temple ground in silence.
Monks left cigarrettrests, q-tips and toilet paper everywhere , sticky stains on the floor, the fridge empty and a bad impression.
Now i'm sitting in front of some electronical devices nadya left for my use while she is in retreat for a month. At least i know how to write on a notepad. It's extremely comfortable compared with writing on my little old pocket pc searching letters on the touchscreen with a toothpick. That's past. For one month, but that's future.
At present, iit's time to prepare for an excursion. I will be picked up soon to go to a dhamma talk.

Friday, March 13, 2009


Today 4 monks came to stay for one night at our monastery. They are from fang in the north, 4 hours drive from here, and will heed to bangkok. They were quite surprised to find some farang women here.
We did chanting all together, even lumpoh was present. In the beginning it was terrible, everybody chanted his/her own tone and rythem, but after a while we got together and it was really nice to do chanting in a larger group.

Tomorrow nadya has to go to the monastery where she will be ordained after staying there for 1 month.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Empty monastery

Ajahn kasem invited us to come to a parivara.
We will not go, too busy. I need a stamp in my passport, nadya needs to find someone to ordain her. We will probabely join ajahn kasem to visit the abbot of that monasrey. It's a thai with american passport. He needs to do the visarun.

In december a kasem took me to a small monastery where a nun and a monk were living. They left and the monastery is abandoned now. I thought of moving, because it's so nice there. Better kuties, the livingspace wooden, with a lower and an upper part, village close, big trees, 3 big buddhastatues, nice surrounding.

I hope my not-anymore-teacher is still in contact with ajahn kasem, because this would be a perfect place for him.

Back from town again. I have a new stamp from the immigration office in my passport and nadya will ordain with as mae chii with ajahn supan. But she has to stay with him for a month before she can come back to wat suan pa.
ajahn supan mentioned that he will go to spain and germany end of may, and that he heard that I speak spanish and that I should no make plansfor this time, he may need me.
Spanish is no problem, but thai ... I have to work harder on it now.

In immigration a woman, american, came to me to ask where I stay and teach, if I take unexperienced students.
If all people who ask me everytime I go to town show up here, we should renovate some kuties, but it guess nobody of them will ever come.

Today lompoh said that the other ajahn, who asked me some weeks ago to show him the 6th walkingstep because he could only remember 5, called to invite me to his monastery.
See where that leads to ...

sweet sleep

I slept. We have two more appointments this week and I cannot not sleep while being on tour. I still need to stay at one place and practice hard.

For some reason we entered the storeroom today, just to quick get something out. we ended up arranging things, sorting out, this to give away, that to keep.
I gave to publik use a lot of things I owned except robes, bowl, a little buddhastatue, a mala, a small bell, a monks bag, phone, toiletries, 2 ballpen, a book, usb-stick, passport, mae chii card, some documents and I confess pictures of dana-the-worlds-best-dog. everything fits into the monks bag.
of course I can use the ex-my-things if I need to, with the same right as nadya and lumpoh.

Laa brought, from the donation jens left, a treatment for the pregnant templedogs skindesease. Hope it helps.

the other day a women brought us potatoes. Thais don't like them very much. We gave them laa together with some recepies. Today he came to present us his first selfmade french frieds.

a day out

it was a nice ceremony, many monks, a lot of chanting, a lot of visitors, a lot of people who wanted to make merit.
there was a old monk with a shiny face and really brilliant eyes and another one who was not sleeping but really meditating during some parts of the ceremony. Some others couldn't wait until the ceremony was over to get to lunch and almost jumped and run off their seats before it was finished during some laypeoples chants.
Kru kasem took us to some other temples. One where he spent some time as a child, as novice. It is said that it has footprints of the buddha, they builded a hall on that place, and footprints of a 7 year old arahant who came to this temple long ago.
Next stop was a mountain monastery, beautiful, the buddhahall with wooden floor, wooden roof and relief instead of the common paintings on the walls. 4 brothers stayed there.

Next stop after that was a shabby little forest monastery with nice view over a lake and a valley. The lumpoh and the pregnant templedog were happy to have us weard farang [westrner] women back.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

about truth

The night was quiet and it was easy to get through. no long cessation. Slept too much the night before. The first night is always the most difficult ...

Truth has no mercy. One may run, one may hide but there is no escape. It is. even if one closes the eyes not to see it. It's ultimate and definite. One is part of it, important and desierable for a world as an ant, a grain of sand, a bodyhair or a braincell.
Open the eyes, phalanyani. Face facts, see truth.
There is nothing in this world worth to cling on. There is nothing to get a hold on.
An accumulation of matter and mind in phalanyaniform doesn't want to be a teacher anymore, doesn't want to become an arahant anymore.
Just be, just truth.
Practice for practicing, to end suffering; if on that way someone asks to show how it's done - welcome.

The absence of an accumulation of matter and little less mind in dana-the-dog-form is noticed as painful as is the whole routine of becoming, becoming, becoming.
The good news is: even all this pain is just mind.

A none smiles.

Busy morning this morning. First villagers came for a chat and dismiss for one month to taiwan. it's family of lumpoh and most of them went to see him but 3 came to bring flowers for the buddha to me and wanted to talk.
Then a monk we know from phrao district came to inform us that he's going to pick us up tomorrow morning for a ceremony. I spent the parivara in his monastery, since then we are in loose contact.

Since jens the yogi left day before yesterday we have a kuti availible. You're welcome to stay and practice.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

No sleep

Somehow the idea of doing some no-sleeping again arouse in my mind this afternoon. Oh, silly nun!
Now I really have to not to sleep at least tonight. The first night is always the worst.
Little sis went to bed already and I am tired and wish I were less stubborn and strict.
sitting in the buddhahall trying to get up and do walking meditation.
Goal for tonight is not arahantship but to work on peaceful cessation.
2 hours ...

Last night I have to confess, I slept almost 8 hours. Woke up with headache. Too much running through the city the past days.

In past I lived in some of the biggest citys of europe for long and visited citys all over the world [ok, ... half of the world] and enjoyed it. The buddha recommended to stay at a quiet, secluded place like in a forest. Now, staying in a forest, I understand why he said so. It's more wholesome and much healthier. what a smog in town! The air smelled and tasted like gasoil.

I know I can live everywhere, city, village, solitude and I will not be more or less happy than in any other place. But if I have the choice: forest.

back online

A brief rewiew about the last week.

Nothing special happened.

Not being able to use internet for one and a half week was relaxing in a way. When you know you have no chance to make the device work and there is no "computer-monk" available, you just accept the fact thatthere's no connection with the world outside until you go to town. We did so [in vain] a few days ago. They couldn't do anything but told us where to go. Yesterday we went there. Airport plaza shoppingmall. Luxurious, expensive ... the mobile has an updated version of whatever now and works. I'm happy that it does and want to send love to all friends and family.

Yesterday the male yogi left. He again and still thinks of ordaining and I hope he will do so.

The female yogi will ordain as soon as possible.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

no internet

since 4 days we don't have internet. Today we went to town to repair the phone we use to keep in touch with the world outside of the forest.

more news about us, as soon as the phone works again.