It becomes much more difficult to write here.
Every single moment is a story, through meditation the experiancing of all sensations becomes much more intense and clear. And I love telling all the stories. But I see in meditation that every story I tell is keeping me attched to “I am” and “things are as I see and tell them” which is limiting the mind immensely. So, what to do?
Being restraint and not telling anything unless it’s the Dhamma or share what I want to share to have it said and let go of it. Don’t know yet. Maybe I’ll find a way to keep friends and family updated.
My health is improving and I don’t have vomits, diarreah or strong pain since I took the anti parasite medicine, large amounts of different antibiotics and Two Mae Chiis are providing garlic free food. The immune system was kind of down from all this stomach problems, so I chaught a heavy cold and had after that the shingles which kept coming back for over a month and a half. But even this seems to be past now. How luxurious. Health! I apprechiate to have a healthy body again and am kind of attached to it, as it seems.
The original idea had been to get to Thailand, meditate, get a one year visa, go back to the kuti, close the door and meditae at least until next vassa, but I got only a 2 month tourist visa for. Went to Laos for the purpose of getting a 3 month visa but, no, the boss changed and they can’t do it anymore without the letter from the Buddhistoffice.
It’s funny, as a Bhikkhuni I’m not existant here in Thailand – non-self, anatta, officially, by law. Now only my mind has to get this point, then I would be really free. Well, maybe some more meditation helps :o)
I know a women from the buddhist office and she is so upset that she can’t help, but if someone there gave me this letter, they would break the law, so I understand their situation and am not angry. Although I noticed a slight tone of selfpity when I answered to her question about where I will go next with “I don’t know”.
All the time in retreat I felt like it’s getting too much and I can’t go on with meditation. Sometimes I thought I reached where I can get with this defiled mind and not further, I am attached and can’t let go of certain things because I’m just not strong enough. I felt sick most of the time but not unhappy, but stressed by havig to meditate 12 hours minimum per day. I just couldn’t because it happened that I sometimes slept 12 hours to get this sickness out of the body. Then Ajahn agreed that I don’t have to meditate 12 hours but to try not to sleep more then 4 hours at night. Usually possible on retreat because meditation is better than sleep. But not this time. I also thought with the so well known selfpity that I might possibly have a really severe desease. (Some of the parasites have been severe and could, untreatened, have caused dead - but they are gone.)
I found out that what I thought to be compassion was in reality sorrow, which is close but not quite the same. Let’s say it’s the defiled sibling. Sometimes compassion arises in overwhelming amounts … I see the suffering, experience it with all the senses internal and external suffering. Sometimes I fear I will go mad because I just don’t bear it anymore. Sometimes I manage to have some compassion with myself which is very different from having selfpity. Sometimes I feel with the ants when I sweep and almost cry because they are so far from the Dhamma and from the possibility to become enlightened and have to face so much to suffering, to carry so heavy loads and bear this enormous huge being pushing them around with the broom. Some of them know and try to hide when they hear the broom on the floor.
Not that I can read minds, by far not but I see the suffering in peoples faces, sometimes even some of their defilements. Oh, it is so much easier to see the defilements of somebody else rather than one’s own. Where to put the arising compassion? What to do with this love? Body and mind seem to burst sometimes.
I was told as a child every thing will be good every thing will be fine. And I’m still waiting fot the day to come. With the Buddha’s Dhamma I have at least a tool at hand which enables one who followes the instuctions to become free from suffering.
It’s not that I’m unhappy even when I experience almost nothing else but suffering presently. More than ever before I see the limitations of my mind, not able to let go what makes an “I” out of this body and mind. I see my will, the volition, standing in my way to liberation - and the one I have to overcome is strong!