Friday, August 14, 2009


One week already out of retreat, I'm in my room with 3 abhidhamma books and try to memorize the tika matika.
That means: i'm reading books about the teaching of the buddha, those in which his teaching is comprised to the essential, in a logical, dry, analytical way.
What i understand is little but that little is so wonderful - it's either pali, the language of the buddha or english. Having meditated a lot helps, one has experienced what one reads.
In the beginning it's scaring - you see tables, list, diagramms, words that do not make any sense yet, even when written in a language your able to understand. Most discouraging is: i need 3 days to memorize a text i could memorize in three hours when i was younger and working in theater - and: nadya either knows it all already or reads for five minutes and then knows. last night i cried because i wasted so many years of my life not learning and understanding all this. Only short, after noting greed, jelousy and selfity as roots, i stopped rightaway and - as i reckon -there is still some time left to learn.
In this case my bothering stubbornness is supportive, i will not give up learning this treasure only because it's difficult or others can do better.
My dear mama said i shall not torture myself - but meditating the maximum possible or learning dhamma until falling asleep over the books is no torture - not knowing, not understanding is.

1 comment:

NellaLou said...

This is a lovely description of your devotion. Many people, including me, have wasted time with regrets of wasted time in the past. Why make further errors? There is now and that's best not wasted on things that make little difference. Thank you for writing this.