One week already out of retreat, I'm in my room with 3 abhidhamma books and try to memorize the tika matika.
That means: i'm reading books about the teaching of the buddha, those in which his teaching is comprised to the essential, in a logical, dry, analytical way.
What i understand is little but that little is so wonderful - it's either pali, the language of the buddha or english. Having meditated a lot helps, one has experienced what one reads.
In the beginning it's scaring - you see tables, list, diagramms, words that do not make any sense yet, even when written in a language your able to understand. Most discouraging is: i need 3 days to memorize a text i could memorize in three hours when i was younger and working in theater - and: nadya either knows it all already or reads for five minutes and then knows. last night i cried because i wasted so many years of my life not learning and understanding all this. Only short, after noting greed, jelousy and selfity as roots, i stopped rightaway and - as i reckon -there is still some time left to learn.
In this case my bothering stubbornness is supportive, i will not give up learning this treasure only because it's difficult or others can do better.
My dear mama said i shall not torture myself - but meditating the maximum possible or learning dhamma until falling asleep over the books is no torture - not knowing, not understanding is.