Saturday, February 20, 2010


Again some days of determination. My feet are hurting from all the hours walking on tiles. At night i go out to do walking on a different floor. If you ever build a meditation hut, don't put tiles on the floor!
Food is since some time full of garlic again, stomac pain and few vomits are the result.
[versace-slipper-monk told the kitchen team not to give me garlic-free food anymore]
I've been through 2 hard days, now its easy and i feel happy and easy dispite all difficulties.
2 days ago Ajahn told me i don't need to come every day to report anymore. I noticed that i was attached to seeing him every day and that i'm angry that he and bhikkhuni are going to china without taking me there for ordination. Sure they don't. But somehow i had the weird idea they could do it.
After observing these and other attachments i experienced a moment of being completely unattached. What a great moment! It felt as if strings wrapped around my heart just fell off.
This was not a moment of enlightenment, not nibbana, nor anything spectacular. Just the arising of an unattached mindstate ... for the first time in life and only for short - it was followed by surprise, joy, excitement, wanting to remain in this state of mind and knowing that by then it was already lost.
This made me understand that there really truly can only be one state of mind at a time. this 'time' is a very brief moment and therefore it might seem that mindstates are mixed or combined but that is not so. The mind is just too slow to realize the quick changes of states.
There is a certain spectrum of states that can arise in mind.
For an untrained mind it's not controllable. A trained mind will be able to let some states arise while others are subpressed that quick that it will seem they're never arising.
Oh, so much more work to do. To get this understanding as a routine and adaptable to daily life will be very difficult. Seeing it for a second and living it are still two pairs of shoes for me.
2 days later. The garlic made me burb, i could have gained the 'burbing-contest' if there were one. Unfortunatey my hut has no whatsoever sound isolation and i felt very sorry for my neighbors who could wittness the sounds of a garlic-intolerance. The poor kitchenteam suffered more then i, because they, too heard me burbing and vomiting.
The old kitchen nun who always made sure that no garlic comes into my bowl, retired a week ago from her job [with 75]. That was the moment for the monk to interfere. Today the old nun, mae chii sukjai, secretly cooked something for me in her hut and gave it to the kitchen that they can offer it to me. The workers said that they are so sorry and that it is not their ill-will that they gave me garlic food. I was close to tears. The man of the team kneeled down and put the food into my bowl and yelled 'blessing' through the kitchen, to inform the others, they went down on their knees, as well, when i chanted, in the end they said unisone: 'sadhu, sadhu, sadhu'. It is good, it is good, ...
Usually giving blessing in the kitchen is quick done because they have a lot of work.

Tomorrow i'll finish retreat, a lay-friend in phrao died, the husband of the woman who called the devas to take care of me in wat tam dog tam and i'm invited for the funeral ceremony. I'm happy to see some forest and some other friends. Funerals in thailand are not dramatic as in the west, so it's a good event to meet with monk-friends.

Friday, February 12, 2010


after retreat is before the retreat. I just continue until about 21th of this month or so, then i will prepare for the trip to america in beginning of march, as it seems.
Not going to Sri Lanka. Ajahn is happy with that if i could read in his unmoved smiling face correctly! Bhikkhuni definately is.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

to town

i was in town yesterday to meet a friend and day before yesterday to meet a Bhikkhuni firend. it's not good outside, as nice as it is to meet with friends who share believes - to go to samsara feels wrong.
Although I can note body quite good, know sitting, walking, moving etc. at least the mayor postures and some of the minor. Town didn't hurt this time, because both times we met in a monastery which has a nice coffee shop. A dramatic movie, a thriller or whatever, was shown on tv, i didn't watch but know now that i didn't guard my sense door of hearing good enough, we heard a lot of fighting sounds and that was following after in the meditation at night.

today 8 hours of meditation, more effort, i was told in report.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Fresh from the cushion

Finished retreat day before yesterday but am still working on the latest insights. How can these almost banal things take so long to come from ‘yes, yes, I know’ to ‘knowing’. Or is it just me so narrow minded that insights hardly get through?
But first of all, mainly for my family I want to say this:
When I talk of all the suffering, pain and of miserable existence, … I know it worries you. And sometimes I hesitate to write of it, therefore. But misery, pain etc. are moments, after which happiness arises again, or indifference. Neither of it lasts long. Misery is there, in everybody’s existence, as is happiness. I’m observing suffering, am not living it. That makes pretty much of a difference. Moments of real suffering, problems actual, present, hot, larger than that Bhikkhuni ordination is difficult to get or food has far too much garlic, are rare. I feel very, very much a fortunate.
Ajahns laconic: ‘have metta for yourself’ that he said among all ‘more effort’, more concentration’ kept me busy. I worked for an increase of upekha [equanimity], and thought metta [loving kindness], khanti [patience] will help me to get it .
First I thought, ‘well if I have metta with myself, I’m going to sleep long and stop practicing, ha!’. Silly thing. Then I realized that it is enormous difficult to have metta for myself, but sending it to other is easy. Then I found that I don’t really know what it means to have metta for someone or how to send it, that what I did so far as was sending metta, was some wishful thinking and some imaginings. Then I understood that when I have metta for me, then there is metta and once it is there, it is for me and everybody else, without difference, it’s just there. But then I didn’t know how to get it. No idea, no access to it. And then one morning there was a little spark and then a silent, tiny little supernova happened in my chest. The body was flooded by warmth, lights, colors. All was very decent and if it had happened in another occasion I would not have noticed it. And then there was love, immense, overwhelming. Oceans full, never ending sources.
Too much to bear, and I closed, tried to open, found it again, couldn’t bear it again, closed and started to play with closing - opening for it. It still works.
That’s where metta comes from, that’s what it is: It’s just there one just has to open the mind for it.
‘It’s Buddhaday I can’t run to Ajahn’, tears were falling and there was too much love but not enough patience, not enough equanimity. ‘That’s on the list as well phalañani, so remain on the cushion and learn it.’
The fresh experience of this ‘source of love’ kicked me far away from equanimity. I didn’t move physically but mentally was moved. Metta too overwhelming, equanimity out of reach, so I concentrated on patience, I tried but weak concentration. So I started to get deep into observing the rising and falling of the abdomen, the sitting of this body the touching points and concentration got better again. It must be the same with all paramis [perfections, perfect virtues], I thought, ‘they are there, among all the mind pollution there is perfection, like the good smells we breathe in with all the polluted air, just keep watching the breath, phalañani’.
Without lights and colors, drums and trumpets patience was there, in sitting; equanimity was there; karuna, [compassion] was there. Compassion is even harder to bear than love.
This is all way too big for me, I have to get used to it slowly, when compassion is there without equanimity, I just cry. When there is love but no patience, I scare people. When there is equanimity without love, it’s cold … So I have to learn how this all works together.
This morning an ant was walking over face and left ear. I noted itching, itching. Usually I would have waited a while to show me that I have some patience but then after 2 minutes would have put it away. Today I understood that this little being’s existence is much more miserable then mine, when it walks on my face it just does its job, it’s not personal, it does not intend to bother me. Understanding this I could develop love and compassion for the ant, that helped me to bear the itching with patience, just noting it and equanimity arose. After teaching me thus, master ant left.