Friday, July 31, 2009

1 retreat

1. 6 hour sleep, 12 meditating, arising of the hope to have a super-kuti and vanishing of that hope. stomachache since days, today vomits.

2. 6 hours sleep, 12 meditating, saw dea of my bodie's cells, dream about the world breaking apart, i have to jump and fly to get out of danger, pain in legs while walking, fear to continue course, going on means dying, everything vanishes, just not my defilement all i can do is subpress them, again vomits, wish i could vomit mentally to get rid of defilements, itching, pain on head, is someone drilling a hole in it? some selfpity start to cry, only short, then peace.

3. 5 hours sleep, 10 meditation, very calm and peaceful, knowing i have to leave everything and everyone behind to go further, short fear not to be able to, stomach pain, saw my grand ma, mother's mother she is a deity, burst out in tears and had goosescinall over, she said she saved my life twice since i'm in thailand, i thought it was more often. got a big hug from a vietnamise bhikkhuni who i don't know, angry about anatta, be a samurai and cut off all defilements

4. 4 hour sleep, 12 hours meditation, i see the danger in everythin, told ajahn, he can call me bhikkhu, descouraged, i never will get rid of defilements, pain in back, itching all over, bad concentration, want to give up, all wanting, not wanting, hoping must be eliminated, only way for now is subpress defilements
yes! i can get rid of them

5.4 hours sleep, 12 meditation, maybe i'm too weak, cocentration is bad, slept while sitting, moved between faith and the fear that i cannot advance and will end up as a grumpy, bitter old nun.letting go wanting makes me feel light until i think of my dog, i'll love it even if i never see it again, have to become a bhikkhuni, felt someone held a gun on my forehead and shoots, live leaves body, feels easy. ajahn askes are you ready to die, i sai, no.

6. 4 hours sleep, 10 hours meditation, noting of everything very difficult, impatience, pain, itching

7. 4 hours sleep 14 meditation, bad concentration in the evening, feeling changed in the morning,concentration strong, peace and faith, pain moderate only some cutting strong pain attaces in shoulder and feet. laa comes to meet me and brings some stuff from wat suan pa. sand running through the fingers, there is nothing in this world worth clinging onto as me or mine. no panic when i think of distatch from my dog, i can see it again, when i'm not attached anymore.

8. 4 hours sleep, 14 meditating, peace, equanimity, clam,

9. 0 hours sleep, wanting hahaha 24 meditation, have to relax, 20 hours is good enough. walking sometimes difficult at night, take the umbrella as support, in the early morning strike, no tiredness anymore, no pain or anything else bothering.

10. 0 hours sleep, 18 meditation, easy, determination to continue with 2 hours but not more then 4 for as long as possible, i want to work on cessation and make it more reliable. ajahn is very pleased, praises the work done and i can continue to come to see him for report.

11. 2 hours sleep, 10 hours meditation, some internet. dissolution of home is the next project. poor jens how has the work. i'm calm, cool, have fun to let home go. ajahn sets me on the next course. same procedure - again through all this. don't want but it has to be done, i suffer from a bad desease calld samsara, the symptoms - some ugly defilements, are causing pain. go through these retreats is the only cure, may it be bitter and hard to take.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

anicca, anatta, dukkha

everything changes, thoughts, people, views, circumstances ... impermanence all around. can we do something about that? no. because we're not the allmithy "I" we wish to be. we're just a conglumeration of material fitted with something called mind that thinks, cognizes, knows, remembers, etc.. always wanting - something to be or to have: to look good, to be rich, to have another nose, to have fun, to find peace, to be loved, to have food, to be happy ...

honestly, how many moments does one experience in life not wanting? including all hopes, wishes and not-wantings [aversions]. if there is such a rare moment one starts to enjoy it and wants it to last forever. what a trick.
it won't, of course, last long. pure happyness is already gone when the wish it may last occures. and sadness or anger arises. the process is the same if a tasty icecream drops, a beloved one leaves, we have to be where we don't want to be or millions are lost. only the intensity and duration of the suffering varies, not the fact that suffering is experienced.

hence we have to admitt suffering is omnipresent in our lifes.
so lets review: everything without exception is changing, falling apart, breaking, decaying, aging. thats what the Buddha ment by: sabbe anicca, all is impermanent, eternal.
we can't do anything about it because we are not an allmighty entity, we can't even tell our hair not to grow, or a cell not to die. we are very limited in our abilities. that's what is meant by: sabbe anatta, all is without self, without autocracy.
this is most irritating, unpleasent, isn't it? there is, obviously nothing to rely on, nothing to hold on. sooner or later it's all suffering, sabbe dukkha.
we may talk and dream to not have to face the suffering but be can't get out of this ...
the Buddha sais: yes, we can. more on this later.


in report i told ajahn that i saw a greedmonster with big eyes and big mouth sitting in my chest, with long thin fingers it tried furious to get, to reach, to hold, to cling and was hurting me with it's sharp nails. i told it not to worry, cause i'm going to end it's suffering.
i had unusual strong pain in my chest. no wonder maybe, after 8 hours walking and sitting meditation without break.
last night at about one, while sitting down after walking meditation the chest craked open loud.
little greedy one is still there. we had muffins this morning, after having eaten mine suddenly i was given more, and more, in the end i ate 3 and took 2 to the room.
as result: stomach ache and ants in the room. you see! happyness turns into suffering quickly :o)
getting up after 2 hours sleep is easier now. since more then a week i sleep between 0 - 4 hours at night, without cheating at day, honestly, 12 - 16 hours meditating. i wonder how long i can do but decided to do until either i fall asleep walking, feet are bleeding, vassa ends or defilements are eradicated. [my bet: fall asleep walking]


now consider your body, it's made of cells, millions, billions, of small cells that found together due to given circumstances to build this body. every cell is composed of some matter[material], a lot of water, recepy varies from cell to cell. every cell has inherent some information for its life. a cell of a fingernail knows to grow, a bloodcell knows where to carry what when, a braincell knows to send and recieve sparkles, cells of the immunsystem know to go into defense if needed. these cells do what has to be done and then die.
imagine, every cell would perform such a spectacle as the body-mind composure they are part of. :o)

1 year

one year ordained as nun. who may have thought that it would be more like adventure park or jungle camp than a boring-peaceful nun's life.
may i express my deep gratitude to all people involved, like teachers, preceptors, helping and encourageing friends, donators, family, sisters and brothers on the path ...
instead of going home as planned one year ago, i'll remain in robes, go for saffron robes. there is no other choice.
this brings about some consequenses and changes.
the "home" on mallorca is already given up, right now dear friend jens mutates into rambo and gives and throughs away what was mine. the money for the ticket back home donated.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


81 more days thai-pop-radio.
as it seems i will not move to another room, or at least i don't want to spend more time waiting for it, i went to see ajahn last evening and asked to start an intense retreat.
good! i felt like wasting time and regretted to have come, slept more then 6 hours with the result that i couldn't concentrate, thought too much.
now - udayabaya nyana - knowledge of rise and fall, arising and ceasing, becoming and ending. this is to receive full understanding of the impermanence of all formations and sensations of all that is, beings, thoughts, feelings.
all this comes into being and dissaperes in it's time. some comes just for seconds or less, others for days, month and years some for thousands of years or aeons but nothing of all that is inside or outside of what we think to be our self is really permanent, even if it is longer than our own lifespan.
seeing this clearly one consequently understands that what is impermanent will cause suffering, the whole scale from small like "ohh, a pity" to unbearable that one wants to suicide.
and we can't do nothing about it, we have no remedies. we can't tell rinkles to to go away, deseases not to come, breath not to breath, friends not to die, time not to pass, braincells not to forget, cells not to age. no way. every cell of the body dies when time comes. and the breath, well a non smoker may hold it for a minute or so some extremists try to hold it longer, but anyway. one has to see and accept that the image of a person, of ego, of self that has free choice what to do and what not is just an illusion.
there is no allmighty I that can say, i'am not going to suffer not to age not to die and i'll be perfect and rich. there is no allmighty entity at all, neither inside or outside of someone, something, that may say "from tomorrow on thai-pop does not exist anymore in this world and tomorrow, i declare, starts: now - and by the way, may there be peace, health and joy until all eternaty on this planet" - and it was peace, health and joy and the allmighty ...
let's start noticing the belly rising and fallig.
and see: even thai-pop-music is impermanent, radio beheind the wall is only playing from 9 am to 4 pm.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

no chants

i was told not to chant in my room because i may bother the meditators, said the control-monk.
do chants really bother was told not to chant in her room because i bother the meditators..
do chants really bother more then 8 hours radio daily, car- ank kitchen noises in a monastery?
well, only 2 month and 3 weeks left.
meanwhile i'll practice chanting-in-mind to not forget what i memorized and to keep sending blessings to friends and family.

Friday, July 10, 2009


3 days ago a nun died and ceremonies are held daily, today the final one.
last night ajahn tong came to the ceremony and gave a talk. he is in his 80ties but was quite vivid last night. he recognized me but couldn't remember that he knows me because i ordained with one of his monks.
some say ajahn tong is an arahant. wether or not - his presence is touching, makes you go to ground and do devoted prostrations easily, gives faith, fills the surrounding with loving kindness, similar to the bhikkhuni who lives here [but she almost never leaves her hut]. may they both live long, may their pains and deseases cease and may they die a peacful death when time comes.

thinking about becoming bhikkhuni goes on. the main obstacles as far as i can see now are the rules to travel alone and to stay somewhere alone. unlike most other people i prefer to travel and go amongst villages alone [with exceptions, like in an islamic country, in a parc at night, or some special people who like traveling alone as well].
the aspect to have to stay with another person for the rest of my live is a plain horrorvision. the buddha ment this rule for the women's safty, sure! and sharing a forest, a house or a monastery is not the probem. the problem is to be obliged, to not just be off to where the wind blows me without anybody else involved. guess men do understand what i'm talking of better then women.
all other rules incl. the eight heavy rules are much easier to accept and realize.
i could not even go back and stay with lumpoh at wat suan pa without another woman. but women don't want to stay there, conditiones are too rough.
i'm really not sure how to solve this [other then not ordaining as bhikkhuni]. on the other hand, a solution always comes and if it's only that i learn to accept [knowing it is just another caprice of an ego that fights for it's survival] or to find a nun who is a bhikkhu at heart.

i more or less gave away my option for the nice kuti, silly nun! the monastery is overcrowded, the kuti is big and can be shared, the room i'm in is small and dark, cannot be shared. i told the responsible monk he may do as he please and put me where i don't have to share. it seems as if he is playing games with me telling i have to share, i have to move, to stay, to wait, to share, wait, move ... lurking if i show any sign of anger. so far there is non. but i already start to regret that i came here.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

kau pansa - vassa

day before yesterday i arrived here in the afternoon. wanted to run away right away because i was told by dear nadya to share room. which for me is difficult, only the thought of having to sleep with someone else in the same room makes me panicing.
well, i remained calm. no panic came up but still worry. i was expecting to have room 14, the worst of all and have to share it.
"i will go through it and i will learn from it", i thought, "too late to go back, if i can't sleep i will go somewhere and meditate, sharing is for 6 or seven nights, i did that without sleep, i can do again, and maybe i will be so exhausted that i even sleep with someone else in the room".
then the official roomdistributor came, he told me the same, only the roomnumber made my happy not 14, but the favorite kuti. i asked where i could go in case i couldn't sleep, i was told a place and it was ok, a problem and a solution.
going to the kuti a slight panic arose, arriving there the kuti was locked, the girl not there and the roommonk remembered that another room was free. there i stay now, alone until the girl who stays at the kuti leaves in now 4 days, then i move.
may i never have to share the room i sleep in - but if i ever have to, i'm happy that i'm not stunned by blanc panic anymore. a milestone!

we had a large ceremony last night for the beginning of the rains retreat. many monks, 7 bhkkhunis, 1 thai, 6 vietnamese, about 50 mae chiis and lots of laypeople.
it was nice to do chanting with the monks because they do it as i do and i dont need a textbook.
only one thing makes my heart crumping in these gatherings, although mae chii's are mentioned here, which is not everywhere the case, they are mentioned together with the lay and do the laypeoples chants - makes my heart break - as if mae chiis not have gone forth into homelessness, as if they were not living the holy life.

Saturday, July 4, 2009


For a homeless reclusive I have a lot of things, as I noticed today. Went into the storeroom to get some toothpaste and -brushes, soap etc. for the next 3 month. Well, all this stuff is actually not mine, it's left over from the meditation center we had set up for short.
If Mae Chee Jai will open her center, i should donate everything to her. She called today and wants me to take to “her”center on monday. That's the last day here in the village, so probably I won't go, I better clean here before I leave.
This weekend a lot of people come to all monasteries to donate candles, neon lights, and other small things monks and nuns need for the rainy season. Tradition. Some large groups of people came today but I hid and worked in the storeroom to let Lumpoh receive all, as I go, I don't need anything now.
Yesterday that man came again who lives close to Nirodharam, the Bhikkhuni's place, more than 1 hour driving from here. He came that far to see me and to invite me to go to Bhikkhuni's place. He looked quite upset when I said “no, not now” But somehow it doesn't feels right now. Can't tell why. He brought Dhammabooks and fruit juices. :o)
I should go soon with Nadia to visit the Bhikkhuni. It's much easier from Chiang Mai.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

another farewell

Two women, who support me with almsfood on almsround every day came up to see me today, they heard I'll be leaving and wanted to know if it's true. Lumpoh must have spread the news.
I told them I'll be away for the vassa for three month but want to come back afterwards. First they wanted to convince me not to go then I convinced them that I will come back.

Andrew, thanks again for donating/sending the Visuddhimagga I make good use of your gift! reading a lot in it. I tried to read the first part in German once and I didn't understand half of what I understand now. Next I have, as Ajahn said, to study the Abhidhamma, then more of what is written in the Visuddhimagga will become clear (and vice versa).

Farewell of a friend. One I knew short in this life but with looots of Karma together. Impermanence is a reality we all have to deal with. But this time it's a hard lessen to learn, a great loss. Learn the lesson well, Phalañani and continue walking on the path for may you, in no further life, meet him again.