day before yesterday i arrived here in the afternoon. wanted to run away right away because i was told by dear nadya to share room. which for me is difficult, only the thought of having to sleep with someone else in the same room makes me panicing.
well, i remained calm. no panic came up but still worry. i was expecting to have room 14, the worst of all and have to share it.
"i will go through it and i will learn from it", i thought, "too late to go back, if i can't sleep i will go somewhere and meditate, sharing is for 6 or seven nights, i did that without sleep, i can do again, and maybe i will be so exhausted that i even sleep with someone else in the room".
then the official roomdistributor came, he told me the same, only the roomnumber made my happy not 14, but the favorite kuti. i asked where i could go in case i couldn't sleep, i was told a place and it was ok, a problem and a solution.
going to the kuti a slight panic arose, arriving there the kuti was locked, the girl not there and the roommonk remembered that another room was free. there i stay now, alone until the girl who stays at the kuti leaves in now 4 days, then i move.
may i never have to share the room i sleep in - but if i ever have to, i'm happy that i'm not stunned by blanc panic anymore. a milestone!
we had a large ceremony last night for the beginning of the rains retreat. many monks, 7 bhkkhunis, 1 thai, 6 vietnamese, about 50 mae chiis and lots of laypeople.
it was nice to do chanting with the monks because they do it as i do and i dont need a textbook.
only one thing makes my heart crumping in these gatherings, although mae chii's are mentioned here, which is not everywhere the case, they are mentioned together with the lay and do the laypeoples chants - makes my heart break - as if mae chiis not have gone forth into homelessness, as if they were not living the holy life.