countdown

81 more days thai-pop-radio.
as it seems i will not move to another room, or at least i don't want to spend more time waiting for it, i went to see ajahn last evening and asked to start an intense retreat.
good! i felt like wasting time and regretted to have come, slept more then 6 hours with the result that i couldn't concentrate, thought too much.
now - udayabaya nyana - knowledge of rise and fall, arising and ceasing, becoming and ending. this is to receive full understanding of the impermanence of all formations and sensations of all that is, beings, thoughts, feelings.
all this comes into being and dissaperes in it's time. some comes just for seconds or less, others for days, month and years some for thousands of years or aeons but nothing of all that is inside or outside of what we think to be our self is really permanent, even if it is longer than our own lifespan.
seeing this clearly one consequently understands that what is impermanent will cause suffering, the whole scale from small like "ohh, a pity" to unbearable that one wants to suicide.
and we can't do nothing about it, we have no remedies. we can't tell rinkles to to go away, deseases not to come, breath not to breath, friends not to die, time not to pass, braincells not to forget, cells not to age. no way. every cell of the body dies when time comes. and the breath, well a non smoker may hold it for a minute or so some extremists try to hold it longer, but anyway. one has to see and accept that the image of a person, of ego, of self that has free choice what to do and what not is just an illusion.
there is no allmighty I that can say, i'am not going to suffer not to age not to die and i'll be perfect and rich. there is no allmighty entity at all, neither inside or outside of someone, something, that may say "from tomorrow on thai-pop does not exist anymore in this world and tomorrow, i declare, starts: now - and by the way, may there be peace, health and joy until all eternaty on this planet" - and it was peace, health and joy and the allmighty ...
let's start noticing the belly rising and fallig.
and see: even thai-pop-music is impermanent, radio beheind the wall is only playing from 9 am to 4 pm.