Thursday, October 29, 2009

endless ...

On retreat again. Difficult! Very difficult.
I can concentrate resp. be mindful just 40 -45 minutes, no matter how much i determine not to move for 60 minutes, i start moving, jumping up etc. Since some days now. Lots of time while meditation wasted with drowsiness. Not thinking very much more just sitting there dump.
I'm definitely escaping, or at least trying to. Don't want to meditate anymore at all. It's boooooooring. 12 hours rising and falling of breath or lifting, moving, etc., daydreaming: forbidden, thinking: too tired. Sweeping and report are the only entertainments. Well, and writing blog. [shouldn't write]
the task i choose is eventually too difficult. Eradicate liking and disliking or greed and hatred or dosa and moha or however you name it.
It's what has to be done, of course. But phalañani is just a little nun and silly, not to forget.
... Ahhhrg!!
want my mama, want my dog, a little greed a little anger, what does that matter? Rest, rest, sleeeeep.
I have no idea, honestly, how i get this body out of bed at two in the morning and make these feet walk.
One week no vomits, at least ... One more week, then kitchen team changes, everything is impermanet.
These boring states of agonie as well. Eyes shut, phalañani and go through.

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