Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Desicion

I have the intense feeling that i should leave this place and give room for those who need and deserve it and for whom the kuti was prepared for. Monks.
I'm guest, living from borrowed tothpaste.
Although i like this place and people take good care of me i already have this farewell feeling in my heart.

That's the 1 step of making up mind process. So far so good.

The 2. Step, a good plan, where to go is not yet formulated in mind. But there are a lot of places, a lot of option.
In a few days i'm invited to ajahn"s "birthdayparty", i could stay at his monastery anyway. He wants me to come there. I can visit the bhikkhunis. Samaneri khema saranee invited me to come. I could go to japan, chinsan, dear friend, i'll contact you about this option, as soon as i made up my mind.
I can, of course, go back to mallorca. but maybe not yet. i need more time to meditate. Of the one year i wanted to be ordained only half year passed. And i have to find out if going home is an alternative to being homeless.
The no-more-to-be-teacher once mentioned that we could go to india this year. Since he said it i'm thinking that i really would love to do it. Maybe i could do it on my own.
Burma has some good teachers.
Interesting!
I don't know if i dare traveling just with my robes and my bowl. Wow, appealing. But today i don't dare ... mae chee's are suppose to pay for their travels. A big obstacle, it's not only that i don't want to touch money like every good monk, i don't have any. Just enough for one trip back in case something happens to my mother. I will defenately not touch it.

with exitement i follow the happenings ...

5 comments:

Nadezda said...

Don't forget about Vietnam and their nice Bhikshunis robes ;)
I forgot, what is the name of your Japanese teacher?

phalanyani said...

His name is Harada Roshi. One drop. Sogenji Temple.

Susanne said...

In the last days I read a lot on the web about Thailand and the wood monasteries and the problem of women getting ordained in Thailand. Phew. You didn't chose the easy way, did you? Living in a society where women are second class, just good enough to serve the men. I could not stand it!
But there is the Songdhammakalyani Temple ... couldn't that place be an alternative for you? (I don't mention the Anenja Vihara wood monastery in Rettenberg, Germany *g*)

I send you all my love and wish you the power to continue your travel. May the Buddha be with you, may the dharma lead you, may the sangha be at your side to give you love and encouragement ...

phalanyani said...

Dear susanne,
thank's a lot for your well wishes. The buddha is with me, the dhamma leads me, and the sangha, well, is at my side somehow, more coexisting then in the way you mean. [as mae chee your not part of the sangha, and i avoid here to mention boy's and adolescene and so on ... :o)]
I learned not to expect anything good from monks. That gives way to surprise me in a positive way sometimes and helps me not to be upset when they behave as they do - like nornal male human beings full of defilments. And it makes me grateful that i have the chance to get to know monks who are devoted to the buddha and the dhamma and who have the wish to overcome their defilments.
Somehow i never choose the easy way. silly nun. But it's ok. another thing i learned meanwhile: they let you be, they let you do when they feel it's coming from your heart. They expect you to behave and keep rules, in case mae chee's the minimum 8 rules for mae chees, when they see that you really do keep them, they are incredibly happy. the harder you try, the more rules you keep the more they have faith.
It's not only men subpressing women and keep them in the rule as a servant. It's the women wanting to mother, to cook to chatter and to serve, as well.
and nobody here expects me to serve, so far.

phalanyani said...

Dear nadia,

i guess i tapped in the preceptin trap. it was wishful thinking that you will ordain again and the practicle thought of how to avoid a lot of visaruns. But indeed without any real declaration of intentions to ordain from your side.
You are welcome as what you are and will be what you want to be, mae chee, yogie -up to you.

Tz,tz,tz phalanyani ... I almost wanted to arrange everything with ajahn suphan.