today I feel all the selfpity of someone who was left alone, of one, others need to get rid of, like getting rid of things they don't want no more.
This is an old, well known feeling that accompanies me all life. "nobody loves me ..." with a subpressed sigh and a herofece.
I'm not taking it very serious anymore, I know it's impermanent.
My mother told me, she wanted to get rid of me before I was born and jumped a lot and took hot bath's. [I don't blame here for this.] I must have been a problematic and pain causing fetus.
My deepest fear still is to eventually bother and make other people want to get rid of me.
Maybe I love to stay alone because then there is no danger of being one others want to get rid of.
Maybe that's why I always left, when it was nicest.
Anyway, today i'm licking wounds, there are some fresh ones I didn't care about yet; I said "selfpity, selfpity, ..." quite some time and wonder when I will internalize what I know since long: no "I", no wounds.
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path to truth - diary of a Buddhist nun
The Buddha said:
So hard to see, so very, very subtle, alighting wherever it likes: the mind. The wise should guard it. The mind protected brings ease.
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About
- Phalañānī
- former actrice and comedian for a long time quit stage and audience some years ago to live a peaceful and quiet life in a small village in spain. Actually i'm ordained as a theravada buddhist nun.
Readers
Karania Metta Sutta
This is what should be done By one who is skilled in goodness, And who knows the path of peace: Let them be able and upright, Straightforward and gentle in speech, Humble and not conceited, Contented and easily satisfied, Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways. Peaceful and calm and wise and skillful, Not proud or demanding in nature. Let them not do the slightest thing That the wise would later reprove. Wishing: In gladness and in safety, May all beings be at ease. Whatever living beings there may be; Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none, The great or the mighty, medium, short or small, The seen and the unseen, Those living near and far away, Those born and to-be-born — May all beings be at ease! Let none deceive another, Or despise any being in any state. Let none through anger or ill-will Wish harm upon another. Even as a mother protects with her life Her child, her only child, So with a boundless heart Should one cherish all living beings; Radiating kindness over the entire world: Spreading upwards to the skies, And downwards to the depths; Outwards and unbounded, Freed from hatred and ill-will. Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down Free from drowsiness, One should sustain this recollection. This is said to be the sublime abiding. By not holding to fixed views, The pure-hearted one, having clarity of vision, Being freed from all sense desires, Is not born again into this world.
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