Sunday, March 29, 2009

nibbana-sacchi-kiriya ca etam mangalam uttamam

The fourth day in life of 4 puppies is same as the 3 former day's: looking for food, eating, sleeping, having tummy ache from thai food, winding, crying, being bitten by flees, not being able to scratch yet, crying, winding, farting and smelling like a bunch of skunks, being hungry, looking for food ...
Now they have kind of rhythm. 3 of them are getting fat, one, the white, fetched a cold and is the smallest, it's not looking like a pig anymore, poor thing it can't drink much because it can't breath. Suffering ...
They moved closer to civilisation, out of the forest, and stay on the terrace of one of the huts. its easier for us to maintain the mother and give her food and drink.

Day before yesterday two people i know from our time at wat tam bua tong came to see me, Vichai and Vichian. I know a lot of words in thai now, but i can't put them in an order that makes sense for the listener, and pronunciation must be horrible. But they did their best to understand what i was trying to tell. Had not much to say, though.

I'm thinking of running away, away from meditation. Physically and mentally, i just want to escape from what i see and experience. Not easy to encourage myself to get rid of my “self”. Much easier to watch puppies or to learn thai. But at present i do not even take delight in puppies. They are and they need, i help if i can, that's it.
Of course i will not run away. I know seeing misery, suffering, danger etc. is part of the process. Feel like i could need a teacher, but want to get through alone at the same time, being convinced i can make it and terrified that i may fail. Have to work harder on equanimity!

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