the past two days I tried a new determination: To focus, while meditation as usual, more on the feelings that arise.
Altough I was actrice and worked with feelings, had them, went through them, showed them, was on research for new feelings and how they “feel”, how they appear, what they do and have one do, I was not always aware of my feelings.
Some feelings are so common, one is so used to it that one does not notice the feeling anymore. One supposes one is in a neutral mindstate – but no! Oha!
This silly nun was tricked by a kind of sweet sadness. Iam a happy person, with a slight taste of sadness. Neutral, with a taste of sadness, even sad with the taste of sweet sadness.
Which is, again, a trick to manifest a Self.
I am like this, I always have the feeling, ...
Feelings, like thoughts change in seconds, if not faster, that's their nature. To say “I always feel” is clinging to something extremely unstable, unreal. And it's a lot of work, though, to keep that image up always. I remember how much energy it cost to act, to perform feelings.
And what for?