mail with some questions is accumulating in my postbox, so the easiest seems to answer them here.
1. Nun's and sex.
What you always wanted to know about sex but never dared to ask
(well someone did, finally)
Buddhist nuns are not allowed to have sex. Or to be more concrete, not allowed to have any kind of sexual activity. We give a vow to abstain from all sexual intercourse. The same holds true for monks.
So no touching of a person of the opposite gender, no caressing, no masturbation.
2. No, i do not miss it. :) Since i ordained i have not had the desire to have sex, honestly. It's out of my mind most of the time. Which is more much more pleasant than to want it, think of it, not getting it, not getting it as one wants, ...
And the time one saves for other things by not having to look nice and attractive anymore. And all the misunderstandings and confusions, hopes and unfulfilled desires one is avoiding by not having sex.
Really! Life without is more fun. I saw some cute thai boys meanwhile, but they really don't attract me anymore, i do not adore one of them.
if i think of sex now,i think of it as bothering, unpleasant, disgusting. The mind get used to the body not having sex and the less you do it the less you think of it.
Not long ago i saw something i earlier would have found very erotic. I just remembered in that moment, that i use to have sex but no desire arose.
I hope this is not just a phase i'm in because i'm in the years of change of a woman.
3. Yes, it's still going on. Have no problems most time but sometimes these heat waves (different from just feeling hot and most interesting is that it often happens during chanting the dhamma). Sometimes i feel and acknowledge the change of the hormones and how this affects the mood, the mind, the body. Very interesting. It makes me unsure, small, weakens the mind. without meditation i would have problems with panic attacks and depression, sometimes. as i do a lot of meditation, this does not affect me very much. I'm not “slave of the hormones” as i was before, but i note what they do with this body and mind, though.
4. Yes, I am upset sometimes that Phra Noah went to america without me and that he “kicked me out” of the tranquility of being his student. I do with this feeling what i try to do with all the other things, acknowledge until it goes away. No, I'm not angry (but sadness is routed in anger, as far as i know).
He was my teacher and helped me to reach certain understandings of the Lord Buddhas teaching. I'm very! grateful for this.
As I wrote earlier: the relation to a Dhamma teacher is something very special, when you really open your heart to it. It's not possible to describe it with terms like “love”. That makes it too small. It is beyond that. Respect, honor, gratefulness, faith and so on sounds more adequate. Although these words seem - now written - too much for a young monk.
Anyway, i may not like that he left us on our own here, but i cannot see any wrong in it. A decision. Cause. “Disliking, disliking” and finally acceptance. Effect. I learn a lot being on my own.
The reason why i'm still upset sometimes is that he didn't tell me face to face what's going on. For my part I felt like being a friend, being accepted as a “monk” under other monks when he was here. This acceptance was very, very valuable for me. here is work left for me to do. Ego! Tss, tss, tss. This stupid little worm. “But i used to be a friend and a help, i was accepted, I WAS ...” “Shuut, little one, see – it's past”.
5. It is correct that i ordained because Phra Noah asked me. But I'm nun because I am a nun. I came with the robes in my luggage when i met him the first. I will be a nun now, even if i do not see him again.
For how long i can't tell.
6. It's sure now, i will not go back home in June. Visa expires december. My mother can keep the dog until then, so I'll stay at least until then, if nothing happens that makes me change my mind. Presently i doubt, that i will be given a new visa. (The brown robes – see: Bhikkhunis. This abbot w a s furious)
7. The no sleeping is helping to develop certain stages of the mind, to train to remain in these stages. This is impossible, when you sleep too much. when you get there, you do not really need to sleep. It is not a kind of self torture or punishment.
That's enough for today, isn't it?