Monday, April 20, 2009

confession: sleeping

The 5th day in a row that i dont't hear the alarm in the morning. I've set three alams, at 4:00 to get up, at five, to finish meditation at 6:15 to go on almsround. I usually don't change it, so it is every day the same routine.
four mornings i haven't heard the 4 o'clock alam. Today i woke and got up at 4 but fell asleep again while meditating, i noticed that my body slipped aside and slept until ten minutes to six.

In the evening it is incredible difficult to stay awake until ten, these day's. And around midday i have to really concentrate not to nap.

Maybe it has to do with the heat.

6 days ago i made the resolve not to experience cessation anymore, not to experience what i already did experience but to gain knowledge of the higher path. After that i had a quite strong knock-out for an hour which kept me happily awake all night. Since the day after that, i could sleep where i go and stand.
I try to be very mindful, but things i touch are slipping out of my fingers as if they were full of greese. Fork, broom, nails, hammer, phone, flashlight, everything falls. As if something wants to tell me: “there is nothing in this world you can get a hold on or that you can keep”. I just had to give in,”Yeah, right, i know, well,well, that's how it is.”
But then my stomace is crumping, i don't feel sick, more like being deeply in love and expecting the loved one to come every moment.
Nooo, i'm not in love.
Today i noticed at least, that the work on equanimity i did the last days is bearing fruit. I'm not getting nervous or angry with me or things, just note, seeing nails fall, getting down, searching nails, ... pooring hot water, burning pain on leg, ...

Wonder if all this is a wave from the resolve.
Maybe it's just too hot for anything else than sleep.

No comments: