the past two days I tried a new determination: To focus, while meditation as usual, more on the feelings that arise.
Very interesting.
Altough I was actrice and worked with feelings, had them, went through them, showed them, was on research for new feelings and how they “feel”, how they appear, what they do and have one do, I was not always aware of my feelings.
Some feelings are so common, one is so used to it that one does not notice the feeling anymore. One supposes one is in a neutral mindstate – but no! Oha!
This silly nun was tricked by a kind of sweet sadness. Iam a happy person, with a slight taste of sadness. Neutral, with a taste of sadness, even sad with the taste of sweet sadness.
Which is, again, a trick to manifest a Self.
I am like this, I always have the feeling, ...
Feelings, like thoughts change in seconds, if not faster, that's their nature. To say “I always feel” is clinging to something extremely unstable, unreal. And it's a lot of work, though, to keep that image up always. I remember how much energy it cost to act, to perform feelings.
And what for?
Absolutely nothing!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
the latest
In the last two days I could catch 3 scorpions in my bathroom. Now they live somewhere else in the forest.
Our Trip to Spain and Germany is canceled at least for now. So I will not come to Europe so soon.
Nadya will ordain at Vesakh 5.5.2009 in Wat Ram Poeng. As far as she told me she prefers to stay there. I understand and encourage her, but I will miss a great person and a great help.
Our Trip to Spain and Germany is canceled at least for now. So I will not come to Europe so soon.
Nadya will ordain at Vesakh 5.5.2009 in Wat Ram Poeng. As far as she told me she prefers to stay there. I understand and encourage her, but I will miss a great person and a great help.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Funeral
Pow's body was cremated day before yesterday. I was invited to come to the house at eleven, the trekk to the funeral was supposed to leave there at 12:00h.
When I came at 1short past 11:00 h the house was full of monks. 8 or 9 men of the family had ordaind for the day of the funeral plus 8 who have come from the district. The head of the district who rebuked me the other day was amongst them. He saw me, I greeted he nodded and turned around to the monk next to him and seemed to say: “This is the nun I told you of”. Then he turned to the more important things, donations. Each monk received a bucket, an envelope with money, the family monks only an envelope.
They chanted the blessings for the donators, the donators chanted something for the monks, which is not very common.
The family monks were looking desperate. Not knowing the chants, not knowing how to put the robes on. Every possible moment escaping to smoke a cigartette outside, feeling kind of strange with a bole head and touching it repetedly.
Then the monks chanted the Abhidhamma. I joint in, I don't know it 100% but if the others chant loud enough, I can follow.
After the chants the headmonk left and all the other monks rested. The householders and guests started to eat.
At about 12:00 when we were preparing to gothe sky got dark and clouded, but it did not rain until the evening.
We walked maybe two kilometers to the cremation place. I didn't knew that by this time and was wondering (and afraid) if we're going to the moastery of the head of the district, which is far away, especially when one is walking barefoot on a newly made street. It had 43 C that day, I was told yesterday. All monks pulled the cart with the box with a wooden construction and others held it on the other end, some villagers following. Behind us a music combo who played traditional Thaisound (was no music to my ears)
I noted stepping, pain, pain, stepping, burning, pain,...thinking how much kilometer can I do? Deciding I go as far as the other, no matter what, pain, pain, stepping, stepping, and reached the cremation place – lucky that is only o ne and a half kilometers away from the village.
Those who came by car had prepared some soft drinks (I didn't take) to monks and finally one nun, drinks were offered. Most of the men were carrying the box with the dead corpse at one side and opend it to get some plastikbags with ice. Unfortunately a wave of bad smell came to the audiences tribune so a lot of people thought it's Pow's rest which is smelling. Some brave family members came and watched the dead. Some monks and a nun felt animated to do the same.
Thai dead's a not wearing make up like in the west. He had no more eyes, but some yellowish liquid, the eyelids were open like lets say on Buddha statues. His mouth was stiffed with paper, the skin had a weird yellow color and it was only skin and bones.
A 5 days old dead corps with ice cooled is a good meditation object. Some cried, though the Thai's do not cry for their dead's. Very reasonable.
I put my incense and paper flower which i got earlier on his chest and touched it, the chest. Felt like a skinny corpse. After that someone was animated by to put his incense in his hand and I was surprised that it was possible that the hand was movable, not stiff. After that one monk studied my face intensely, I watched his. The box was put on the fireplace, the wooden constructure on top, not an easy manouver.
Then robes were offered (I got one to offer it to the monks as well). A lot. With announcements of donator and receiver (monk) (they took notice that I walk barefoot and one took his shoes off to go to the offerings all the way, 15m, he smiled at me with companionship, when he came back, while others completely forgot to take shoes off), long procedure meanwhile, a “fireworker” installed cables. Then we offered the Paperflowers we got earlier to the close family. (I got a second one.)In a ceremonial act, one of the relatives pulled a lever and a firework started, around the place, closer to the fireplace until it finally reached there with orange and green smoke, some howling sirens and the final pouff which set the thing on fire. The Abhidhamma was chanted again, and then we left. It rained at night and was fresh and rainy (still hot, but not so much) until today afternoon.
Yesterday I went to Ching Mai to see Nadya and the Bikkhuni.
Pow's body was cremated day before yesterday. I was invited to come to the house at eleven, the trekk to the funeral was supposed to leave there at 12:00h.
When I came at 1short past 11:00 h the house was full of monks. 8 or 9 men of the family had ordaind for the day of the funeral plus 8 who have come from the district. The head of the district who rebuked me the other day was amongst them. He saw me, I greeted he nodded and turned around to the monk next to him and seemed to say: “This is the nun I told you of”. Then he turned to the more important things, donations. Each monk received a bucket, an envelope with money, the family monks only an envelope.
They chanted the blessings for the donators, the donators chanted something for the monks, which is not very common.
The family monks were looking desperate. Not knowing the chants, not knowing how to put the robes on. Every possible moment escaping to smoke a cigartette outside, feeling kind of strange with a bole head and touching it repetedly.
Then the monks chanted the Abhidhamma. I joint in, I don't know it 100% but if the others chant loud enough, I can follow.
After the chants the headmonk left and all the other monks rested. The householders and guests started to eat.
At about 12:00 when we were preparing to gothe sky got dark and clouded, but it did not rain until the evening.
We walked maybe two kilometers to the cremation place. I didn't knew that by this time and was wondering (and afraid) if we're going to the moastery of the head of the district, which is far away, especially when one is walking barefoot on a newly made street. It had 43 C that day, I was told yesterday. All monks pulled the cart with the box with a wooden construction and others held it on the other end, some villagers following. Behind us a music combo who played traditional Thaisound (was no music to my ears)
I noted stepping, pain, pain, stepping, burning, pain,...thinking how much kilometer can I do? Deciding I go as far as the other, no matter what, pain, pain, stepping, stepping, and reached the cremation place – lucky that is only o ne and a half kilometers away from the village.
Those who came by car had prepared some soft drinks (I didn't take) to monks and finally one nun, drinks were offered. Most of the men were carrying the box with the dead corpse at one side and opend it to get some plastikbags with ice. Unfortunately a wave of bad smell came to the audiences tribune so a lot of people thought it's Pow's rest which is smelling. Some brave family members came and watched the dead. Some monks and a nun felt animated to do the same.
Thai dead's a not wearing make up like in the west. He had no more eyes, but some yellowish liquid, the eyelids were open like lets say on Buddha statues. His mouth was stiffed with paper, the skin had a weird yellow color and it was only skin and bones.
A 5 days old dead corps with ice cooled is a good meditation object. Some cried, though the Thai's do not cry for their dead's. Very reasonable.
I put my incense and paper flower which i got earlier on his chest and touched it, the chest. Felt like a skinny corpse. After that someone was animated by to put his incense in his hand and I was surprised that it was possible that the hand was movable, not stiff. After that one monk studied my face intensely, I watched his. The box was put on the fireplace, the wooden constructure on top, not an easy manouver.
Then robes were offered (I got one to offer it to the monks as well). A lot. With announcements of donator and receiver (monk) (they took notice that I walk barefoot and one took his shoes off to go to the offerings all the way, 15m, he smiled at me with companionship, when he came back, while others completely forgot to take shoes off), long procedure meanwhile, a “fireworker” installed cables. Then we offered the Paperflowers we got earlier to the close family. (I got a second one.)In a ceremonial act, one of the relatives pulled a lever and a firework started, around the place, closer to the fireplace until it finally reached there with orange and green smoke, some howling sirens and the final pouff which set the thing on fire. The Abhidhamma was chanted again, and then we left. It rained at night and was fresh and rainy (still hot, but not so much) until today afternoon.
Yesterday I went to Ching Mai to see Nadya and the Bikkhuni.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Nun, silly nun
error, error!
I made the mistake to personalize Ego.”I have a strong Ego”, i thought, fought it, wanted to get rid of it. A fight "I" (the none on path) vs. "Ego". But there is nothing to be fought, nothing to get rid of.
Ouups! No Ego? But, but, but, then ...
It is a tricky mind-construct to establish, fix and excuse wrong views, bad habits, clinging, craving, etc..
It is not an existing entity, just a wrong view, not more nor less.
This has to be understood, inhaled, exhaled, internalized.
Nothing to get rid of, Ohh!
Noting the wrong view, see the right view and establish it. That's it. No fight, no winner, no looser, no hero in the end, no drums and trumpets nor flowergralands.
What a pity, it was such a nice dream.
I'm not here for dreaming but to wake up. Further then, yeah ha!
I made the mistake to personalize Ego.”I have a strong Ego”, i thought, fought it, wanted to get rid of it. A fight "I" (the none on path) vs. "Ego". But there is nothing to be fought, nothing to get rid of.
Ouups! No Ego? But, but, but, then ...
It is a tricky mind-construct to establish, fix and excuse wrong views, bad habits, clinging, craving, etc..
It is not an existing entity, just a wrong view, not more nor less.
This has to be understood, inhaled, exhaled, internalized.
Nothing to get rid of, Ohh!
Noting the wrong view, see the right view and establish it. That's it. No fight, no winner, no looser, no hero in the end, no drums and trumpets nor flowergralands.
What a pity, it was such a nice dream.
I'm not here for dreaming but to wake up. Further then, yeah ha!
incentive
Bhârasuttagatha
The five aggregates are heavy loads.
The “person” foolishly shoulders them.
Carrying such weights is suffering in the world.
Tossing away these burdens is bliss.
The wise have discarded all that weight,
without picking up any new ones.
Craving is torn out by the roots.
Desire is stilled, quenched in coolness.
...
Sounds good, doesn't it?
I'm one of the fools. I was reading, that on the other side of the earth someone has 20 students for a course, which means a lot of work, and i wished to go and help, instead of trying to become one of the wise.
The five aggregates are heavy loads.
The “person” foolishly shoulders them.
Carrying such weights is suffering in the world.
Tossing away these burdens is bliss.
The wise have discarded all that weight,
without picking up any new ones.
Craving is torn out by the roots.
Desire is stilled, quenched in coolness.
...
Sounds good, doesn't it?
I'm one of the fools. I was reading, that on the other side of the earth someone has 20 students for a course, which means a lot of work, and i wished to go and help, instead of trying to become one of the wise.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
some pali words
Yassa rukkhassa chayâya nisîdeyya sayeyya va na tassa sâkhham bhañjeyya mittadubbho hi pâpako.
A person should not break a branch of the tree that he has sit or layed under it's shade, for one who harms his friends is really bad.
A person should not break a branch of the tree that he has sit or layed under it's shade, for one who harms his friends is really bad.
Monday, April 20, 2009
confession: sleeping
The 5th day in a row that i dont't hear the alarm in the morning. I've set three alams, at 4:00 to get up, at five, to finish meditation at 6:15 to go on almsround. I usually don't change it, so it is every day the same routine.
four mornings i haven't heard the 4 o'clock alam. Today i woke and got up at 4 but fell asleep again while meditating, i noticed that my body slipped aside and slept until ten minutes to six.
In the evening it is incredible difficult to stay awake until ten, these day's. And around midday i have to really concentrate not to nap.
Maybe it has to do with the heat.
6 days ago i made the resolve not to experience cessation anymore, not to experience what i already did experience but to gain knowledge of the higher path. After that i had a quite strong knock-out for an hour which kept me happily awake all night. Since the day after that, i could sleep where i go and stand.
I try to be very mindful, but things i touch are slipping out of my fingers as if they were full of greese. Fork, broom, nails, hammer, phone, flashlight, everything falls. As if something wants to tell me: “there is nothing in this world you can get a hold on or that you can keep”. I just had to give in,”Yeah, right, i know, well,well, that's how it is.”
But then my stomace is crumping, i don't feel sick, more like being deeply in love and expecting the loved one to come every moment.
Nooo, i'm not in love.
Today i noticed at least, that the work on equanimity i did the last days is bearing fruit. I'm not getting nervous or angry with me or things, just note, seeing nails fall, getting down, searching nails, ... pooring hot water, burning pain on leg, ...
Wonder if all this is a wave from the resolve.
Maybe it's just too hot for anything else than sleep.
four mornings i haven't heard the 4 o'clock alam. Today i woke and got up at 4 but fell asleep again while meditating, i noticed that my body slipped aside and slept until ten minutes to six.
In the evening it is incredible difficult to stay awake until ten, these day's. And around midday i have to really concentrate not to nap.
Maybe it has to do with the heat.
6 days ago i made the resolve not to experience cessation anymore, not to experience what i already did experience but to gain knowledge of the higher path. After that i had a quite strong knock-out for an hour which kept me happily awake all night. Since the day after that, i could sleep where i go and stand.
I try to be very mindful, but things i touch are slipping out of my fingers as if they were full of greese. Fork, broom, nails, hammer, phone, flashlight, everything falls. As if something wants to tell me: “there is nothing in this world you can get a hold on or that you can keep”. I just had to give in,”Yeah, right, i know, well,well, that's how it is.”
But then my stomace is crumping, i don't feel sick, more like being deeply in love and expecting the loved one to come every moment.
Nooo, i'm not in love.
Today i noticed at least, that the work on equanimity i did the last days is bearing fruit. I'm not getting nervous or angry with me or things, just note, seeing nails fall, getting down, searching nails, ... pooring hot water, burning pain on leg, ...
Wonder if all this is a wave from the resolve.
Maybe it's just too hot for anything else than sleep.
Monkophobie???
Pow's funeral is on friday, i promised to come to see them every day until then. They have a monk staying at their home now. He don't like me, when i went in the yesterday afternoon, i got the ventilator, attention, respect, etc..
When i left, my lower robe was quite loose and i greeted only with one hand and held the robes with the other, nobody took care until he mentioned and giggled, but he was the only one giggeling .
This morning at almsroundtime, he was brooming the street. When i came, the son (not drunken!) told me they don't have food for me today, “doesn't matter”, said i greeted and went on. While turning around to continue my way i saw the monks face with a sneering smile.
eventually i'm monkophobic :o)
In about two weeks all puppies will be gone, we found home for each.
When i left, my lower robe was quite loose and i greeted only with one hand and held the robes with the other, nobody took care until he mentioned and giggled, but he was the only one giggeling .
This morning at almsroundtime, he was brooming the street. When i came, the son (not drunken!) told me they don't have food for me today, “doesn't matter”, said i greeted and went on. While turning around to continue my way i saw the monks face with a sneering smile.
eventually i'm monkophobic :o)
In about two weeks all puppies will be gone, we found home for each.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
reality?
Colors are very intense in the afternoonlight. Everything seems to be clearer, sharper.
The flags of paper and wimples the villagers put on the pile of sand they've built are still very colorful, looks nice from afar. but they are getting wretched.
I worked much on equanimity yesterday and today.
Everything is so beautiful, wonderful, i could laugh of joy
All this beauty is so useless, miserable, i could cry
neither happens.
Obsevre rising of the abdomen, there is no abdomen! There is just some air getting caught in a elastic but limited space and this moves some other elastic but limited space. ( Later these spaces were re-recognised as what english speaking humans call lungs and bowels)
Sitting ... ?. No ground to sit on no body that sits, rising, falling, rising, falling, ...
If there were someone, he/she would rather, cry of joy and laugh of misery.
Rising, falling.
there is no body, no surrounding, air is moved somehow.
The flags of paper and wimples the villagers put on the pile of sand they've built are still very colorful, looks nice from afar. but they are getting wretched.
I worked much on equanimity yesterday and today.
Everything is so beautiful, wonderful, i could laugh of joy
All this beauty is so useless, miserable, i could cry
neither happens.
Obsevre rising of the abdomen, there is no abdomen! There is just some air getting caught in a elastic but limited space and this moves some other elastic but limited space. ( Later these spaces were re-recognised as what english speaking humans call lungs and bowels)
Sitting ... ?. No ground to sit on no body that sits, rising, falling, rising, falling, ...
If there were someone, he/she would rather, cry of joy and laugh of misery.
Rising, falling.
there is no body, no surrounding, air is moved somehow.
Pow
Anicca, dukkha, anatta
Yesterday Pow, the old man, went to hospital. They made a cut in his throught and feed him artificial.
I had the intention to go to see him that afternoon, but i did not because the villagers were gathered in a village meeting to count all the donations for Lumpoh they got together. An animated event with a lot of alcohol as it sounded from far.
When i went on almsround this morning, his daugther told me, then the son, he was very drunken but managed somehow to offer food and not fall over, i took it from hom because of his sister standing next to him, otherwise, i probably would have gone.
Now, some hours later i brought some chants, copied them from a book and drawed a Buddhahead. All were gone to see Pow, except the son, he was lying drunken on the balcony. (He is a drinkerand know he has a problem, it seemed that in the last couple of weeks he tried very hard not to drink)/
What a weird coincident that the puppy died and Pow is fighting with dead, just because they could not swallow. Good that i went to see Pow the other morning, on songkram. i met him alone and gave him a “cleaning” by pouring water over his hands and saying a chant.
Well,
... For it is beyond our power to delay death and it's great armies ...
... our life is uncertain, our death is most certain ...
I cannot post this (or anything else) yesterday my internetcredit expired and i managed to reset my phone and erased the settings of the internetconnection. See how long it takes to solve this.
Yesterday Pow, the old man, went to hospital. They made a cut in his throught and feed him artificial.
I had the intention to go to see him that afternoon, but i did not because the villagers were gathered in a village meeting to count all the donations for Lumpoh they got together. An animated event with a lot of alcohol as it sounded from far.
When i went on almsround this morning, his daugther told me, then the son, he was very drunken but managed somehow to offer food and not fall over, i took it from hom because of his sister standing next to him, otherwise, i probably would have gone.
Now, some hours later i brought some chants, copied them from a book and drawed a Buddhahead. All were gone to see Pow, except the son, he was lying drunken on the balcony. (He is a drinkerand know he has a problem, it seemed that in the last couple of weeks he tried very hard not to drink)/
What a weird coincident that the puppy died and Pow is fighting with dead, just because they could not swallow. Good that i went to see Pow the other morning, on songkram. i met him alone and gave him a “cleaning” by pouring water over his hands and saying a chant.
Well,
... For it is beyond our power to delay death and it's great armies ...
... our life is uncertain, our death is most certain ...
I cannot post this (or anything else) yesterday my internetcredit expired and i managed to reset my phone and erased the settings of the internetconnection. See how long it takes to solve this.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Songkram the 3rd.
This morning i went on almsround knowing i will not receive much. Today more or less all of the villagers came to the monastery and offered food.
Funny procedure, they put the food in bags, bowls, on plates etc. and and offer it, the monk, or the nun have to accept it. Then they receive a blessing, in this case a long one. They offer flowers, candles and incense to the Buddha and take the 5 precepts again (today no one drunk, as far as i can tell). Then, when the ceremony is over everybody takes food and puts in a plastic bag to take it home. The ceremony takes quite long time, but tehn everything happens very quickly. I was talking with a nice elder woman and when i turned around, all food was gone.
Good, i have some food in my bowl, i thought. For the special day they give special food, all meat. So i had rice with sauce and i confess that i took some of yesterdays leftovers, german bread, butter and cheese.
Funny procedure, they put the food in bags, bowls, on plates etc. and and offer it, the monk, or the nun have to accept it. Then they receive a blessing, in this case a long one. They offer flowers, candles and incense to the Buddha and take the 5 precepts again (today no one drunk, as far as i can tell). Then, when the ceremony is over everybody takes food and puts in a plastic bag to take it home. The ceremony takes quite long time, but tehn everything happens very quickly. I was talking with a nice elder woman and when i turned around, all food was gone.
Good, i have some food in my bowl, i thought. For the special day they give special food, all meat. So i had rice with sauce and i confess that i took some of yesterdays leftovers, german bread, butter and cheese.
Reality
one of the people who gives me almsfood in the morning is dying slowly. He has some knods on his through and they get bigger and he can't swallow anymore. Since a considerable time he can only drink. He went to hospital but they say they don't know what it is. I guess it is throught cancer but what do i know.
Once i saw his dog with a big ugly wound and i thought it going to die, so i gave it a blessing. From that day on it healed. I don't have healing powers, they started to put some treatment on the wound a few day's earlier and that showed effect. I thought nobody of them saw me giving the blessing but the daughter did. Next day they came to ask for a blessing for the father. He got it - but i told them that i can not help, not heal.
Everyday i go there and receive my almsfood, everyday i give him an extrablessing and sometimes a electrolyte beverage or soymilk, if i have. Everyday the old father is getting less, his heart is ok, he says only he cannot eat.
I understand the rule of monks and nuns, that they should not heal, not give medicaments. I can not anyway and i have none, so no danger for me to break this rule. If i had powers, for example and would use them, i would have to either leave the village right after or heal everybody else as well.
Better is to prepare them for dead, take away their fear and give them faith that dying is nothing to be afraid of.
My thai is no good enough for this, that makes me feel ashame. I see his decay, the fear in his eyes and can do nothing but give him a blessing.
He was a troublemaker, when he was feeling better, the other monks refused to go to him on almsround, because he was disputing and yelling sometimes. He changed completely and i am happy that i did not give him up.
Once i saw his dog with a big ugly wound and i thought it going to die, so i gave it a blessing. From that day on it healed. I don't have healing powers, they started to put some treatment on the wound a few day's earlier and that showed effect. I thought nobody of them saw me giving the blessing but the daughter did. Next day they came to ask for a blessing for the father. He got it - but i told them that i can not help, not heal.
Everyday i go there and receive my almsfood, everyday i give him an extrablessing and sometimes a electrolyte beverage or soymilk, if i have. Everyday the old father is getting less, his heart is ok, he says only he cannot eat.
I understand the rule of monks and nuns, that they should not heal, not give medicaments. I can not anyway and i have none, so no danger for me to break this rule. If i had powers, for example and would use them, i would have to either leave the village right after or heal everybody else as well.
Better is to prepare them for dead, take away their fear and give them faith that dying is nothing to be afraid of.
My thai is no good enough for this, that makes me feel ashame. I see his decay, the fear in his eyes and can do nothing but give him a blessing.
He was a troublemaker, when he was feeling better, the other monks refused to go to him on almsround, because he was disputing and yelling sometimes. He changed completely and i am happy that i did not give him up.
Songkram
Yesterday we had a little ceremony. Half of the villagers came to the temple to make a donation. Traditionally one goes to visit the elders, so many of the people were family of the villagers but i've never seen them before. For events like this, they prepare a cart with a tree which is decorated with small gifts. They come in one large group accompanied by rhythm of gongs and drums.
It was afternoon already, most of the people were rather drunk and giggling, laughing, and chatting. Lumpoh was in a good mood and made it a nice ceremony. Drunk as they were they took the 5 precepts of which one is to train to abstain from drinking alcohol.
Later in the afternoon they came with pick up's and a truck full of sand and builded a pagodalike pile. This is a symbolic act of taking ones dirt and evil to the monastery and leave it there.
It was afternoon already, most of the people were rather drunk and giggling, laughing, and chatting. Lumpoh was in a good mood and made it a nice ceremony. Drunk as they were they took the 5 precepts of which one is to train to abstain from drinking alcohol.
Later in the afternoon they came with pick up's and a truck full of sand and builded a pagodalike pile. This is a symbolic act of taking ones dirt and evil to the monastery and leave it there.
New year
3 holidays in a row. It's thai new year on 15th of april, celebrations start today. Again villagers came to clean the templeground and the Buddhahall. Lumpoh is practicing chants, on the 15th we're going to have a ceremony here.
Last night i decided to no push so hard anymore. I will not do little sleep or no sleep sessions for some time. Think i will not advance like this any further for now. Probabely i should work more on momentary concentration and on moral conduct.
First because i was thinking a lot these days. When I started to learn vipassana meditation i was told that i meditate as if with a hammer while (strong concentration through long zen practice) vipassana) (momentary, not fixed concentration) is like playing piano. I had learned in the meantime to play piano but since i'm on my own, i took the hammer again, just in case. Trying to play piano with a hammer, phalanyani, phalanyani, ... tz,tz, don't, silly nun.
Intense and steady practice, enough rest, 6 hours sleep.
Second because there are defilemants which will not allow to advance further, there is still the pride, it's a tricky one, it covers itself with humbleness. Then i noted greed. One example:there is a woman, who comes every once in a while to almsround. She gives very good and plenty food. I got over it that she does not come everyday anymore,as she did in the beginning. now she came and ask to stay for practice with me for a while. And one of my thoughts (not the only though) was, if this eventually will have an impact on almsfood giving.
I feel ashame to have such a thought.
I have, after month, not jet given up ownership on a couple of things that were left after one of our moves. Manly a few books and my first robe. And today, while they were cleaning the Buddhahall, they put “my” meditation” cushion, a flat mat like monk use, on Lumpoh's place. I got in there and took off the cover of it to wash it. While doing so i had in mind, to put this cushion back to my place. Which is so narrow minded and poor . Oh, oh. Any thought about these cushions is absolutely a waste of time, I'm the only one using the Buddha hall anyway, except on day's like day after tomorrow.
And i (eventually) killed a being. It was in the toilet, a waterworm, no idea how it got in there, I saw it while brushing my teeth, and thought about what to do, because i wanted to use the toilet. When i looked for the next time it was not there anymore. And i used the toilet. Which is probably proper to do, because eventually this is a being that lives and grows in toilets and drenages. what was not proper in terms of moral conduct, was the thought “i will use toilet quick, before i'll see this worm again and have to start to get it out of there and find it a new home, i rather prefer to go to bed.”
Last night i decided to no push so hard anymore. I will not do little sleep or no sleep sessions for some time. Think i will not advance like this any further for now. Probabely i should work more on momentary concentration and on moral conduct.
First because i was thinking a lot these days. When I started to learn vipassana meditation i was told that i meditate as if with a hammer while (strong concentration through long zen practice) vipassana) (momentary, not fixed concentration) is like playing piano. I had learned in the meantime to play piano but since i'm on my own, i took the hammer again, just in case. Trying to play piano with a hammer, phalanyani, phalanyani, ... tz,tz, don't, silly nun.
Intense and steady practice, enough rest, 6 hours sleep.
Second because there are defilemants which will not allow to advance further, there is still the pride, it's a tricky one, it covers itself with humbleness. Then i noted greed. One example:there is a woman, who comes every once in a while to almsround. She gives very good and plenty food. I got over it that she does not come everyday anymore,as she did in the beginning. now she came and ask to stay for practice with me for a while. And one of my thoughts (not the only though) was, if this eventually will have an impact on almsfood giving.
I feel ashame to have such a thought.
I have, after month, not jet given up ownership on a couple of things that were left after one of our moves. Manly a few books and my first robe. And today, while they were cleaning the Buddhahall, they put “my” meditation” cushion, a flat mat like monk use, on Lumpoh's place. I got in there and took off the cover of it to wash it. While doing so i had in mind, to put this cushion back to my place. Which is so narrow minded and poor . Oh, oh. Any thought about these cushions is absolutely a waste of time, I'm the only one using the Buddha hall anyway, except on day's like day after tomorrow.
And i (eventually) killed a being. It was in the toilet, a waterworm, no idea how it got in there, I saw it while brushing my teeth, and thought about what to do, because i wanted to use the toilet. When i looked for the next time it was not there anymore. And i used the toilet. Which is probably proper to do, because eventually this is a being that lives and grows in toilets and drenages. what was not proper in terms of moral conduct, was the thought “i will use toilet quick, before i'll see this worm again and have to start to get it out of there and find it a new home, i rather prefer to go to bed.”
Friday, April 10, 2009
Answers I
mail with some questions is accumulating in my postbox, so the easiest seems to answer them here.
1. Nun's and sex.
What you always wanted to know about sex but never dared to ask
(well someone did, finally)
Buddhist nuns are not allowed to have sex. Or to be more concrete, not allowed to have any kind of sexual activity. We give a vow to abstain from all sexual intercourse. The same holds true for monks.
So no touching of a person of the opposite gender, no caressing, no masturbation.
2. No, i do not miss it. :) Since i ordained i have not had the desire to have sex, honestly. It's out of my mind most of the time. Which is more much more pleasant than to want it, think of it, not getting it, not getting it as one wants, ...
And the time one saves for other things by not having to look nice and attractive anymore. And all the misunderstandings and confusions, hopes and unfulfilled desires one is avoiding by not having sex.
Really! Life without is more fun. I saw some cute thai boys meanwhile, but they really don't attract me anymore, i do not adore one of them.
if i think of sex now,i think of it as bothering, unpleasant, disgusting. The mind get used to the body not having sex and the less you do it the less you think of it.
Not long ago i saw something i earlier would have found very erotic. I just remembered in that moment, that i use to have sex but no desire arose.
I hope this is not just a phase i'm in because i'm in the years of change of a woman.
3. Yes, it's still going on. Have no problems most time but sometimes these heat waves (different from just feeling hot and most interesting is that it often happens during chanting the dhamma). Sometimes i feel and acknowledge the change of the hormones and how this affects the mood, the mind, the body. Very interesting. It makes me unsure, small, weakens the mind. without meditation i would have problems with panic attacks and depression, sometimes. as i do a lot of meditation, this does not affect me very much. I'm not “slave of the hormones” as i was before, but i note what they do with this body and mind, though.
4. Yes, I am upset sometimes that Phra Noah went to america without me and that he “kicked me out” of the tranquility of being his student. I do with this feeling what i try to do with all the other things, acknowledge until it goes away. No, I'm not angry (but sadness is routed in anger, as far as i know).
He was my teacher and helped me to reach certain understandings of the Lord Buddhas teaching. I'm very! grateful for this.
As I wrote earlier: the relation to a Dhamma teacher is something very special, when you really open your heart to it. It's not possible to describe it with terms like “love”. That makes it too small. It is beyond that. Respect, honor, gratefulness, faith and so on sounds more adequate. Although these words seem - now written - too much for a young monk.
Anyway, i may not like that he left us on our own here, but i cannot see any wrong in it. A decision. Cause. “Disliking, disliking” and finally acceptance. Effect. I learn a lot being on my own.
The reason why i'm still upset sometimes is that he didn't tell me face to face what's going on. For my part I felt like being a friend, being accepted as a “monk” under other monks when he was here. This acceptance was very, very valuable for me. here is work left for me to do. Ego! Tss, tss, tss. This stupid little worm. “But i used to be a friend and a help, i was accepted, I WAS ...” “Shuut, little one, see – it's past”.
5. It is correct that i ordained because Phra Noah asked me. But I'm nun because I am a nun. I came with the robes in my luggage when i met him the first. I will be a nun now, even if i do not see him again.
For how long i can't tell.
6. It's sure now, i will not go back home in June. Visa expires december. My mother can keep the dog until then, so I'll stay at least until then, if nothing happens that makes me change my mind. Presently i doubt, that i will be given a new visa. (The brown robes – see: Bhikkhunis. This abbot w a s furious)
7. The no sleeping is helping to develop certain stages of the mind, to train to remain in these stages. This is impossible, when you sleep too much. when you get there, you do not really need to sleep. It is not a kind of self torture or punishment.
That's enough for today, isn't it?
1. Nun's and sex.
What you always wanted to know about sex but never dared to ask
(well someone did, finally)
Buddhist nuns are not allowed to have sex. Or to be more concrete, not allowed to have any kind of sexual activity. We give a vow to abstain from all sexual intercourse. The same holds true for monks.
So no touching of a person of the opposite gender, no caressing, no masturbation.
2. No, i do not miss it. :) Since i ordained i have not had the desire to have sex, honestly. It's out of my mind most of the time. Which is more much more pleasant than to want it, think of it, not getting it, not getting it as one wants, ...
And the time one saves for other things by not having to look nice and attractive anymore. And all the misunderstandings and confusions, hopes and unfulfilled desires one is avoiding by not having sex.
Really! Life without is more fun. I saw some cute thai boys meanwhile, but they really don't attract me anymore, i do not adore one of them.
if i think of sex now,i think of it as bothering, unpleasant, disgusting. The mind get used to the body not having sex and the less you do it the less you think of it.
Not long ago i saw something i earlier would have found very erotic. I just remembered in that moment, that i use to have sex but no desire arose.
I hope this is not just a phase i'm in because i'm in the years of change of a woman.
3. Yes, it's still going on. Have no problems most time but sometimes these heat waves (different from just feeling hot and most interesting is that it often happens during chanting the dhamma). Sometimes i feel and acknowledge the change of the hormones and how this affects the mood, the mind, the body. Very interesting. It makes me unsure, small, weakens the mind. without meditation i would have problems with panic attacks and depression, sometimes. as i do a lot of meditation, this does not affect me very much. I'm not “slave of the hormones” as i was before, but i note what they do with this body and mind, though.
4. Yes, I am upset sometimes that Phra Noah went to america without me and that he “kicked me out” of the tranquility of being his student. I do with this feeling what i try to do with all the other things, acknowledge until it goes away. No, I'm not angry (but sadness is routed in anger, as far as i know).
He was my teacher and helped me to reach certain understandings of the Lord Buddhas teaching. I'm very! grateful for this.
As I wrote earlier: the relation to a Dhamma teacher is something very special, when you really open your heart to it. It's not possible to describe it with terms like “love”. That makes it too small. It is beyond that. Respect, honor, gratefulness, faith and so on sounds more adequate. Although these words seem - now written - too much for a young monk.
Anyway, i may not like that he left us on our own here, but i cannot see any wrong in it. A decision. Cause. “Disliking, disliking” and finally acceptance. Effect. I learn a lot being on my own.
The reason why i'm still upset sometimes is that he didn't tell me face to face what's going on. For my part I felt like being a friend, being accepted as a “monk” under other monks when he was here. This acceptance was very, very valuable for me. here is work left for me to do. Ego! Tss, tss, tss. This stupid little worm. “But i used to be a friend and a help, i was accepted, I WAS ...” “Shuut, little one, see – it's past”.
5. It is correct that i ordained because Phra Noah asked me. But I'm nun because I am a nun. I came with the robes in my luggage when i met him the first. I will be a nun now, even if i do not see him again.
For how long i can't tell.
6. It's sure now, i will not go back home in June. Visa expires december. My mother can keep the dog until then, so I'll stay at least until then, if nothing happens that makes me change my mind. Presently i doubt, that i will be given a new visa. (The brown robes – see: Bhikkhunis. This abbot w a s furious)
7. The no sleeping is helping to develop certain stages of the mind, to train to remain in these stages. This is impossible, when you sleep too much. when you get there, you do not really need to sleep. It is not a kind of self torture or punishment.
That's enough for today, isn't it?
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Puppies
yesterday we had a visitor, a wandering monk who drop in every once in a while. I was told that he's a good one and a strong meditator, too.
But i spend the whole day alone, writing, reading, sewing, sweeping, and meditating.
I watched the puppies for a while, haven't seen them for 3 days and they changed a lot and look almost like dogs now. Danger!!!
One opend the eyes for the first time while i was present and cried by facing the world, but then fell asleep again. Another started to creep and tried to get up on all four but stumbled and fell over all the time. Pure suffering, but they seem to enjoy it.
Lumpoh comes everyday to see them and today i showed him the one which can open the eyes. He was pleased. Then i showed him another one and he started, with the exploring joy and naivety of a child to try to open the eys of this one with both thumbs. “Nooo!” I said, “it can't”. “Oh”, said he and tried the other eye instead. “NO! Don't, it can't open the eyes”, said i and gave him a clap on his fingers.
I should not dare that with any other monk ...
to what you wrote on facebook: crying over a dead puppy. Yes, it's sad, that such a young being dies after only suffering and not being able to help. Compassion is a wonderful properity! May many people be able to develop compassion. And it's good, indeed, to observe the crying, the tears falling.
Let's have a closer look on the feeling of sadness that makes the tears fall. Why are we sad when someone dies? It's because we don't want it, right? We should say “disliking, disliking” until it goes away.
if it does not go away, let's dig deeper: why do we not want it? Because we cling on to life, ours and that of others beings we feel sympathy for. We should say “clinging, clinging” until it goes away.
If it doesn't - let's dig even deeper: why do we cling on to life? 1. because we think it's fun and that we enjoy it. But if we watch ourselves and others, we can see that it's more suffering than anything else. But still ... 2. we cling on to life because we fear death. We remember that it will happen to ourselves, that we have no remedy to escape. We cannot control it and can't make it as we want it, when we want it. We do not know what happens while and after dying. No control, No control! DISLIKING.
I don't think we cry for the dead, actually. i rather think we cry out of fear, anger, because we miss someone, something and it is not what we want.
So we can summarize: Ego runs amok because it is confronted with the three characteristics, suffering, impermanence and the uncontrolability of what we think is a self. Which is suffering and makes us cry.
Like children that fear the dark cellar ... when we turn light on, we can see it clearly as just what it is.
But i spend the whole day alone, writing, reading, sewing, sweeping, and meditating.
I watched the puppies for a while, haven't seen them for 3 days and they changed a lot and look almost like dogs now. Danger!!!
One opend the eyes for the first time while i was present and cried by facing the world, but then fell asleep again. Another started to creep and tried to get up on all four but stumbled and fell over all the time. Pure suffering, but they seem to enjoy it.
Lumpoh comes everyday to see them and today i showed him the one which can open the eyes. He was pleased. Then i showed him another one and he started, with the exploring joy and naivety of a child to try to open the eys of this one with both thumbs. “Nooo!” I said, “it can't”. “Oh”, said he and tried the other eye instead. “NO! Don't, it can't open the eyes”, said i and gave him a clap on his fingers.
I should not dare that with any other monk ...
to what you wrote on facebook: crying over a dead puppy. Yes, it's sad, that such a young being dies after only suffering and not being able to help. Compassion is a wonderful properity! May many people be able to develop compassion. And it's good, indeed, to observe the crying, the tears falling.
Let's have a closer look on the feeling of sadness that makes the tears fall. Why are we sad when someone dies? It's because we don't want it, right? We should say “disliking, disliking” until it goes away.
if it does not go away, let's dig deeper: why do we not want it? Because we cling on to life, ours and that of others beings we feel sympathy for. We should say “clinging, clinging” until it goes away.
If it doesn't - let's dig even deeper: why do we cling on to life? 1. because we think it's fun and that we enjoy it. But if we watch ourselves and others, we can see that it's more suffering than anything else. But still ... 2. we cling on to life because we fear death. We remember that it will happen to ourselves, that we have no remedy to escape. We cannot control it and can't make it as we want it, when we want it. We do not know what happens while and after dying. No control, No control! DISLIKING.
I don't think we cry for the dead, actually. i rather think we cry out of fear, anger, because we miss someone, something and it is not what we want.
So we can summarize: Ego runs amok because it is confronted with the three characteristics, suffering, impermanence and the uncontrolability of what we think is a self. Which is suffering and makes us cry.
Like children that fear the dark cellar ... when we turn light on, we can see it clearly as just what it is.
Around and about
the last three days after being rebuked, i was very busy.
3 days ago i was invited by ajahn kasem to go with him, a danish man who meanwhile ordained and some of his villagers to wat lampuhn to a mass ordination of 77 boy's. Some ordained for holidays. Some weeks or days others for years.
I met a couple who's son ordained for 6 years. The man spoke a little english.
At a certain point all almost novices disappeared.
These people asked me if i want to go with them to follow the boys to where there were dressed up and put on ponys to ride back to the monastery.
Sitting on the open back of a pickup of people i don't know, going to a place i don't know made me feel independent and happy.
It was interesting to watch to parents and the boys. Many different but all very strong emotions. The man found out that i speak 3 words thai and left me alone with his wife. He walked with the pony trek back to the Temple.
The boys, to be honest, were looking like clowns more than futur monks. But some of them took it really serious. And all of tehm played the game.
I watched the pony trek for a while. the thai mothers were squeaking of joy when they saw the ponys coming. some of the ponys were forced to walk in a certain manner like in horse shows. It was very hot, and i felt pity for the ponys and the boys.
Next day i went to see to wat rampoeng to see he new Bikkhuni. I was very touched to see her and had tears in my eyes when i prostrated before her. A small woman, shy and soft, but so strong. She holds the rules extremely correct to not give anyone the chance to say: “you see, women can't do it”.
I have an immense respect for her. She worked two years on it and wanted to go to australia to ordain, finally it happened, when she visited china with ajahn suphan. Incredible that ahjan supahn allowed this.
I met some other people i know and of course Nadya and ajahn suphan. I guess he was informed about my rebuke and tried to look very serious. But he was not.
Yesterday the danish man was ordained and i visited the monastery where it was celebrated. The robe was too small or the new monk too big, that kept him busy to pull his robe to all directions, but always some material was missing. He will be monk for 6 weeks. Than he goes back to family and home.
That's two days ago, meanwhile.
3 days ago i was invited by ajahn kasem to go with him, a danish man who meanwhile ordained and some of his villagers to wat lampuhn to a mass ordination of 77 boy's. Some ordained for holidays. Some weeks or days others for years.
I met a couple who's son ordained for 6 years. The man spoke a little english.
At a certain point all almost novices disappeared.
These people asked me if i want to go with them to follow the boys to where there were dressed up and put on ponys to ride back to the monastery.
Sitting on the open back of a pickup of people i don't know, going to a place i don't know made me feel independent and happy.
It was interesting to watch to parents and the boys. Many different but all very strong emotions. The man found out that i speak 3 words thai and left me alone with his wife. He walked with the pony trek back to the Temple.
The boys, to be honest, were looking like clowns more than futur monks. But some of them took it really serious. And all of tehm played the game.
I watched the pony trek for a while. the thai mothers were squeaking of joy when they saw the ponys coming. some of the ponys were forced to walk in a certain manner like in horse shows. It was very hot, and i felt pity for the ponys and the boys.
Next day i went to see to wat rampoeng to see he new Bikkhuni. I was very touched to see her and had tears in my eyes when i prostrated before her. A small woman, shy and soft, but so strong. She holds the rules extremely correct to not give anyone the chance to say: “you see, women can't do it”.
I have an immense respect for her. She worked two years on it and wanted to go to australia to ordain, finally it happened, when she visited china with ajahn suphan. Incredible that ahjan supahn allowed this.
I met some other people i know and of course Nadya and ajahn suphan. I guess he was informed about my rebuke and tried to look very serious. But he was not.
Yesterday the danish man was ordained and i visited the monastery where it was celebrated. The robe was too small or the new monk too big, that kept him busy to pull his robe to all directions, but always some material was missing. He will be monk for 6 weeks. Than he goes back to family and home.
That's two days ago, meanwhile.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Visit
you remember ... two weeks or so ago i went to a Dhammatalk with ajahn kasem and the abbot of where we went got furious about my brown robes.
Well today the (small) head of the district came to see me. To tell me that wearing brown robes is not good. Lumpoh came and listend.
I did my best to understand and answer his questions. And the atmosphere was friendly all the time.
He told me in thailand are no bhikkhunis and i said “i know, i do not pretend to be a bhikkhuni, i know i'm not, but i try to keep the 311 rules bhikkunis have. Like a sikkhsamana.
He said, “you can't.” I said, “but i do, without being a bhikkhuni, i just do my best to hold them”. “That's o.k.”
He said i could wear white, i said, “i have only brown and ajahn thong himself allowed to wear brown.”
If i ordained with Phra Noah, he wanted to know. “yes i said, he did yhe ceremony, but he is in america, ajahn suphan is my preceptor.”
I said, “now i'm wearing only my big outer robe because i wash everything, i have fleas, usually i wear my brown mae chii robes. I showed him my frying robes. This one, the big outer robe i only wear here in the temple.” He agreed and said that's o.k. “But don't go out with it, if the police see's you wearing monksrobes, they arrest you.”
Lumpoh mentioned that i wear it on pindabat. “She gos pindabat?”, the other monk asked. “Yes, i do”, i said. Lumpoh said, “she needs to wear it on pindabat”. “O.k.”, said the monk, “for pindabat you can wear it as well”. Lumpoh told him the story of the monk who came to whom i showed the walkingsteps, and how skilled i am in meditation and how much i help brooming. ( it's true meanwhile 90 % of the templeground is “my” brooming territory, it's about time nadya comes back.) Lumpoh defended me. That was nice.
The monk asked about the expiry of my visa. “December”, i said.
If i wanted to have some students for german or english classes, ask the monk. “No problem”, i answered, “i have time”. See if they bring me students now ...
then he said, before my visa expires, i shall come to him, he will do the documents for the visa for me, in october.
I was not sure if i understood correctly. And asked if he want to help me with the visa or if he does not want that i stay longer than a year. he said, he has a friend in Chiang Mai who will do it and the documents don't have to go to Bangkok, he just needs to call the friend.
Who knows what and where i will be in december. ...
Somewhere where i'll find the four nissaya*, i hope. Wherever that is.
*Nissaya, the four basic requisites of a monk [and a nun :o)]
- alms food
- (rag)robes
- a dwelling, at least a tree to stay under (for women: a place we can lock at night)
and (urine pickled) medicine
Well today the (small) head of the district came to see me. To tell me that wearing brown robes is not good. Lumpoh came and listend.
I did my best to understand and answer his questions. And the atmosphere was friendly all the time.
He told me in thailand are no bhikkhunis and i said “i know, i do not pretend to be a bhikkhuni, i know i'm not, but i try to keep the 311 rules bhikkunis have. Like a sikkhsamana.
He said, “you can't.” I said, “but i do, without being a bhikkhuni, i just do my best to hold them”. “That's o.k.”
He said i could wear white, i said, “i have only brown and ajahn thong himself allowed to wear brown.”
If i ordained with Phra Noah, he wanted to know. “yes i said, he did yhe ceremony, but he is in america, ajahn suphan is my preceptor.”
I said, “now i'm wearing only my big outer robe because i wash everything, i have fleas, usually i wear my brown mae chii robes. I showed him my frying robes. This one, the big outer robe i only wear here in the temple.” He agreed and said that's o.k. “But don't go out with it, if the police see's you wearing monksrobes, they arrest you.”
Lumpoh mentioned that i wear it on pindabat. “She gos pindabat?”, the other monk asked. “Yes, i do”, i said. Lumpoh said, “she needs to wear it on pindabat”. “O.k.”, said the monk, “for pindabat you can wear it as well”. Lumpoh told him the story of the monk who came to whom i showed the walkingsteps, and how skilled i am in meditation and how much i help brooming. ( it's true meanwhile 90 % of the templeground is “my” brooming territory, it's about time nadya comes back.) Lumpoh defended me. That was nice.
The monk asked about the expiry of my visa. “December”, i said.
If i wanted to have some students for german or english classes, ask the monk. “No problem”, i answered, “i have time”. See if they bring me students now ...
then he said, before my visa expires, i shall come to him, he will do the documents for the visa for me, in october.
I was not sure if i understood correctly. And asked if he want to help me with the visa or if he does not want that i stay longer than a year. he said, he has a friend in Chiang Mai who will do it and the documents don't have to go to Bangkok, he just needs to call the friend.
Who knows what and where i will be in december. ...
Somewhere where i'll find the four nissaya*, i hope. Wherever that is.
*Nissaya, the four basic requisites of a monk [and a nun :o)]
- alms food
- (rag)robes
- a dwelling, at least a tree to stay under (for women: a place we can lock at night)
and (urine pickled) medicine
Friday, April 3, 2009
Busy day
Today I took out everything off my kuti, washed what is washable put floormats into the sun, some clothes in the freezer, showered 3 times. All tips I found in internet. No idea if I could get rid of the flees. If they are still there, I have to get vinagar somehow, with this smell the flees will flee. Or lemongras.
I've red one tip to put a candle in a low bowl, put water with a little bit of dishcleanser and light the candle close to where the flees are, by trying to get to the warm flame, they jump into the water and drown. Guess a nun with precepts shouldn't try this one.
The best tip was to take some gras or strow and go swimming in a lake, dive but leave the strow above the surface of the water, all flees will jump to the strow which you just release.
I've red one tip to put a candle in a low bowl, put water with a little bit of dishcleanser and light the candle close to where the flees are, by trying to get to the warm flame, they jump into the water and drown. Guess a nun with precepts shouldn't try this one.
The best tip was to take some gras or strow and go swimming in a lake, dive but leave the strow above the surface of the water, all flees will jump to the strow which you just release.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
stormy weather
it's hot. storm at night.
much brooming today.
i have flees, i guess, think that they jumoed over off, off the dying puppie's cold corpse to this warm body.
new determination: sleep 4 hours now for the next time. That's good enough for what i'm working on. I'll answer questions about why i'm doing this later, for now no, i'm not going mad and i'm not doing kind of selftorture.
remaining puppies are growing fast.
much brooming today.
i have flees, i guess, think that they jumoed over off, off the dying puppie's cold corpse to this warm body.
new determination: sleep 4 hours now for the next time. That's good enough for what i'm working on. I'll answer questions about why i'm doing this later, for now no, i'm not going mad and i'm not doing kind of selftorture.
remaining puppies are growing fast.
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