Thursday, January 31, 2008

why a nun???

Family and friends keep asking me, "Why do youuu want to become a nun???? You seem to be very happy? you have everything you need? you are not at all suffering, are you? You love your life, love lying naked in the sun, love your dog, love us, ...don´t you? So why then, why do you want to become a nun.

The best answer I can give is: because if I don´t do so, I will have wasted my life. And I feel in my heart that this is true. I´m afraid - and to be honest I don´t want to. It´s more an obligation a "have to" than a "want to".
Leaving the dog aches, my stomac is crumping, my heart seems to shrink to the sice of a pear. To leave it will be one of the sadest moment in this life.
I should say this about leaving a person, it would be more romantic and people would understand it better, but what can I say - I used to leave people ore be left. Leaving a person can be explained, can be understood. The dog can not understand and will suffer. And so will I.

But than again what is a dog, who am I? Why should suffering hold me back from doing what have to be done. Will it not be suffering - to know you did not what you should, must, need, to know you wasted one entire life because you were to afraid of making that one step in the right direction. It will.

I leave the backdoor open saying: I want to become a nun for one year, if I dont like it than I go back to laylife. But I hope I will love being a nun as much as or even more than being a lay. Laugh about the fears I have now.
But even if I become a nun for only one day my life will not be waisted and every additional day after the frist on will be a gift. hope I can see it like this later ...

Yesterday meditation was a little bit calmer and deeper. The raising and falling of the abdomen was almost always present, the sitting often. I am still trying to note everything else that occures in mind or body, and I dont do touchingpoints.

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