protection

When i left the monastery, my teacher said: "protect yourself, guard your 6 sensedoors", which are eyes - seeing, ears - hearing, nose - smelling, mouth/toungh - tasing, body - touching, heart/mind - thinking. defenetly i have to protect myself. not easy, not easy. Sometimes i dont know how to manage doing things and at the same time guard my sensedoors. At home it is difficult enough, but as soon as i leave the house i fail. many things that i disliked but accepted before i now experience as hurting. things that i liked before i dont like anymore because they are hindering my meditationpratice.

to go to work yesterday i took the bus, spanisch busses always were fun to me, vivid, communicative, somehow surprising. Yesterday the driver had the radio turned on loud and all passengers, mainly women going shopping on sales, were chattering, half an houre. i could not find my former love for such situations, for these people, i was not botherd but i felt the noise as physical pain.

sometimes my friend does not guard his right speech, so happend yesterday when he talked with somebody about their boss. hearing them caused physical pain.

the process of looking for a job causes pain.

Strange!

but the few workinghoures have been ok., better than expected. nobody entered the gallery, only one called. hope the boss will accept that i take over the job and my friend can go on retreat.

today i had some business in the village where i worked before i left, went to see my old office, the secretary who replaced me is about to leave. she said, she can`t understand how i could work there for more than one year, the boss is unbearable. he rather is a proof of pacience. he came to welcome and embace me and invited me for a meeting next week together with one of the colleagues.

hmmm.

meditation today was fine and sensitiv. when i do the touchingpoints i can do it with much concentration, for an houre rising, falling, sitting, touching, with almost no breaks - and without noting sounds, thoughts, feelings ... so today i tryed not to concentrate but to be just mindful. just sit and note what appears or happens. back to the roots i did only rising, falling, sitting. i realised that i see, but in dark and without really knowing what i see, its like dreames hidden behind a curtain, i say "seeing, seeing" but can´t tell what i saw.
i can catch the upcoming thoughts rather quick and they dissapear, but some thoughts are so quick and short that they are gone before i could say "thinking" - so i dont know if i should say it in this case.
slowly, slowly i get a feeling for what is ment with: impermanence. of course i know the meaning of the word, theoretically. today i understood at least that every thing, every being, including the one i am, thoughts, itching insectstiches, smells, feelings, nuclear radiation, mayflys ... everything that appears to be has its limited time of appearance. after that, pouf paf, its not anymore.

(but somehow {not jet figured out, can`t explain} it seems as if it {everything} always was/is, because never and always or end and beginning or present moment and eternity is quite equal. boom tatha.)
i should not write about things that i dont understand, better go practice.