Monday, January 14, 2008


last satureday meditation was short, together with my friend we sat 40 minutes, i skipped the walking meditation. then a nice long walk in the fields with friend and dog, talking about becoming monks, living in the same sangha, about the best way to arrange things while being away, about how long one should stay in a monastery after having ordained and if it is possible to go back to normal live after a one year stay. we concluded that it is not possible and not desirable.

but then, how can i go and leave the animals to somebody else? the dog is like a child to me (i have no human childern), maybe like a handycaped child, but - from my part - with all the love, pride, anxiety, care, clinging, responsabilities that i notice when i watch mothers. ok, i admit, i exaggerate, with the dog and with what i`m writing about my feelings for it. but giving it away, irretrievable, to another person or family will break my heart. i can`t do that and i will not! don´t want to!!!
it`ll be worse for me then for the dog, thats shure. i know that dogs sympathise with the one who feeds and cares them.

in the evening we watched a movie on television. crime/mafia. with the result that i had the shoulders tensed and headace.

seems as if i`m unusable for this life as for the other.

sunday we watched tv again, a harmless tragicomedy. same result. i suppose it the advert breaks, annoying, annoying, i say but it does not go away.

i should not watch tv, maybe a documentry about nature or so sometimes.

today lunch with my friends boss and her ex husband. i give spanish and computer courses for them now. what an ex couple!
sooo sad to see these poor people hurting each other. depending emotionally and financially, bearing the other because it is easyier to stand the others wickedness than being alone.

how weird human being can be. while eating i tried to send them loving kindness and a sent of honesty.

may all being be happy and live in peace!

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