back home

a few days back home in Spain. back from a a two month trip to thailand where i spent most of the time in a forest monastery.
to be able to go there i quit my job, a miserable job, more a slave then a secretary. but it was a job to learn humbleness, nessecary after being spoiled by my avocation as actrice.

now, back to a place that i missed the last two month, i wander what i am doing here. shure, i should find a new job as quick as possible. know that, yes, yes.

but before i left thailand i was asked to become a nun.
live the holy life.
be careful when you ever go on a meditation course! it might change your life.

i meditated since long, no problems with sitting, no pain, strong concentration ... but not really an advancement. so i decided to go on retreat.
when i did it, i wanted to leave, wanted home. faught against ego which is very strong. ego faught against mind that wished to become a better being.
a fight with no winner but to be faught until both, ego as well as mind understand that fighting is not the way that leads to peace and freedom.

become a nun, imagine this, i would have laught out loud before i went to thailand. (albeit, i thought of it many,many times since years) thought: next life maybe. this life is to be enjoyed (ok. i dont drink alcohol, dont smoke, dont go out at night ... but still there is much to enjoy). love my home, the dog dana the cats katzu and manju, the garden, neighbours, the little village i`m living in and last but not least the dear friend i am living with.

still i love this all and reason says, stay where you are and enjoy what you have and desreve, heart says: farewell, beloved.

we`ll see.