Family and friends keep asking me, "Why do youuu want to become a nun???? You seem to be very happy? you have everything you need? you are not at all suffering, are you? You love your life, love lying naked in the sun, love your dog, love us, ...don´t you? So why then, why do you want to become a nun.
The best answer I can give is: because if I don´t do so, I will have wasted my life. And I feel in my heart that this is true. I´m afraid - and to be honest I don´t want to. It´s more an obligation a "have to" than a "want to".
Leaving the dog aches, my stomac is crumping, my heart seems to shrink to the sice of a pear. To leave it will be one of the sadest moment in this life.
I should say this about leaving a person, it would be more romantic and people would understand it better, but what can I say - I used to leave people ore be left. Leaving a person can be explained, can be understood. The dog can not understand and will suffer. And so will I.
But than again what is a dog, who am I? Why should suffering hold me back from doing what have to be done. Will it not be suffering - to know you did not what you should, must, need, to know you wasted one entire life because you were to afraid of making that one step in the right direction. It will.
I leave the backdoor open saying: I want to become a nun for one year, if I dont like it than I go back to laylife. But I hope I will love being a nun as much as or even more than being a lay. Laugh about the fears I have now.
But even if I become a nun for only one day my life will not be waisted and every additional day after the frist on will be a gift. hope I can see it like this later ...
Yesterday meditation was a little bit calmer and deeper. The raising and falling of the abdomen was almost always present, the sitting often. I am still trying to note everything else that occures in mind or body, and I dont do touchingpoints.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
decision made
since last post I spend some time on Formetera, another Balearic Island, which is ver, very quiet, especially in winter. Everything is closed, only few people there, those who do not have enough money to leave or those who love being alone.
The mediterranian sea was calm and the sun was shining so bright and warm that it could have been may. a fact that pleased me as much as it worries me. The almondtrees here on mallorca are florishing, on fromentera they were almost withered.
We always have a mild period in january it is called the winters summer, but almondtrees should defenately be florishing in midfebuary.
It was possible to put worries about climat changes aside for the stay and enjoy the warmth and the bright shining light fully, with every cell of the body. Walking for houres on the beach and on the rocks, sitting and watching the glimmering and glittering sea, taking nude sunbathes.
And everything felt like doing it for the last time.
After being back home in Mallorca I realiesed that a descision was made.
I have to become a nun for at least one year.
In thailand it is possible to desrobe after a while and become a monk or nun again if so wanted.
Meditation was not very deep the last day but at least I walking and sitting. I miss the forestmonastry and deep meditation. It seems as if it is not possible to be deeply meditating or go in peaceful cessiation surrounded by all things and animals you love.
Today I talked to the other monk who ordained for 2 month, he is back in Holland and has to find a job as well. He said he feels lost. Oh, how I know how he feels now. So good talking to him we chanted a little bit together ...
our teacher told me a few days ago when I called him that he has a new center with a cave that will open in july. He left the former one some weeks ago.
The mediterranian sea was calm and the sun was shining so bright and warm that it could have been may. a fact that pleased me as much as it worries me. The almondtrees here on mallorca are florishing, on fromentera they were almost withered.
We always have a mild period in january it is called the winters summer, but almondtrees should defenately be florishing in midfebuary.
It was possible to put worries about climat changes aside for the stay and enjoy the warmth and the bright shining light fully, with every cell of the body. Walking for houres on the beach and on the rocks, sitting and watching the glimmering and glittering sea, taking nude sunbathes.
And everything felt like doing it for the last time.
After being back home in Mallorca I realiesed that a descision was made.
I have to become a nun for at least one year.
In thailand it is possible to desrobe after a while and become a monk or nun again if so wanted.
Meditation was not very deep the last day but at least I walking and sitting. I miss the forestmonastry and deep meditation. It seems as if it is not possible to be deeply meditating or go in peaceful cessiation surrounded by all things and animals you love.
Today I talked to the other monk who ordained for 2 month, he is back in Holland and has to find a job as well. He said he feels lost. Oh, how I know how he feels now. So good talking to him we chanted a little bit together ...
our teacher told me a few days ago when I called him that he has a new center with a cave that will open in july. He left the former one some weeks ago.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
spanishlesson
today i gave 3 houres spanishlesson. to one of the ex-couple i wrote about yesterday. he is an artist, painter. of the 3 houres we had together he spoke 1,5 h about himself and 1 h bad about his ex wife who is his galerist. he ask me what i think about his paintings.
i´m living under the 5 precepts, one of them ist that i shall not lie. so i told him that i dont really like his art, some pictures are nice, but all to dark and to dominat. abstract strucure landscapes in screeming or dark colours ...
suddenly he pulled out a small sheet of paper with a drawing of a naked man with a giant penis jumping on to a naked woman and showed to me. i looked at it then at him, said nothing. he asked me then: does the world need this? i said: "no" and swallowed "nobody needs to see the sexual phantasies of a senescent man".
he became nervouse and rummaged in some bloques he wanted to use for our spanishlesson.
"poor old fool" i thought and kept silence.
i´m living under the 5 precepts, one of them ist that i shall not lie. so i told him that i dont really like his art, some pictures are nice, but all to dark and to dominat. abstract strucure landscapes in screeming or dark colours ...
suddenly he pulled out a small sheet of paper with a drawing of a naked man with a giant penis jumping on to a naked woman and showed to me. i looked at it then at him, said nothing. he asked me then: does the world need this? i said: "no" and swallowed "nobody needs to see the sexual phantasies of a senescent man".
he became nervouse and rummaged in some bloques he wanted to use for our spanishlesson.
"poor old fool" i thought and kept silence.
Monday, January 14, 2008
television
last satureday meditation was short, together with my friend we sat 40 minutes, i skipped the walking meditation. then a nice long walk in the fields with friend and dog, talking about becoming monks, living in the same sangha, about the best way to arrange things while being away, about how long one should stay in a monastery after having ordained and if it is possible to go back to normal live after a one year stay. we concluded that it is not possible and not desirable.
but then, how can i go and leave the animals to somebody else? the dog is like a child to me (i have no human childern), maybe like a handycaped child, but - from my part - with all the love, pride, anxiety, care, clinging, responsabilities that i notice when i watch mothers. ok, i admit, i exaggerate, with the dog and with what i`m writing about my feelings for it. but giving it away, irretrievable, to another person or family will break my heart. i can`t do that and i will not! don´t want to!!!
it`ll be worse for me then for the dog, thats shure. i know that dogs sympathise with the one who feeds and cares them.
in the evening we watched a movie on television. crime/mafia. with the result that i had the shoulders tensed and headace.
seems as if i`m unusable for this life as for the other.
sunday we watched tv again, a harmless tragicomedy. same result. i suppose it the advert breaks, annoying, annoying, i say but it does not go away.
i should not watch tv, maybe a documentry about nature or so sometimes.
today lunch with my friends boss and her ex husband. i give spanish and computer courses for them now. what an ex couple!
sooo sad to see these poor people hurting each other. depending emotionally and financially, bearing the other because it is easyier to stand the others wickedness than being alone.
how weird human being can be. while eating i tried to send them loving kindness and a sent of honesty.
may all being be happy and live in peace!
but then, how can i go and leave the animals to somebody else? the dog is like a child to me (i have no human childern), maybe like a handycaped child, but - from my part - with all the love, pride, anxiety, care, clinging, responsabilities that i notice when i watch mothers. ok, i admit, i exaggerate, with the dog and with what i`m writing about my feelings for it. but giving it away, irretrievable, to another person or family will break my heart. i can`t do that and i will not! don´t want to!!!
it`ll be worse for me then for the dog, thats shure. i know that dogs sympathise with the one who feeds and cares them.
in the evening we watched a movie on television. crime/mafia. with the result that i had the shoulders tensed and headace.
seems as if i`m unusable for this life as for the other.
sunday we watched tv again, a harmless tragicomedy. same result. i suppose it the advert breaks, annoying, annoying, i say but it does not go away.
i should not watch tv, maybe a documentry about nature or so sometimes.
today lunch with my friends boss and her ex husband. i give spanish and computer courses for them now. what an ex couple!
sooo sad to see these poor people hurting each other. depending emotionally and financially, bearing the other because it is easyier to stand the others wickedness than being alone.
how weird human being can be. while eating i tried to send them loving kindness and a sent of honesty.
may all being be happy and live in peace!
Friday, January 11, 2008
protection
When i left the monastery, my teacher said: "protect yourself, guard your 6 sensedoors", which are eyes - seeing, ears - hearing, nose - smelling, mouth/toungh - tasing, body - touching, heart/mind - thinking. defenetly i have to protect myself. not easy, not easy. Sometimes i dont know how to manage doing things and at the same time guard my sensedoors. At home it is difficult enough, but as soon as i leave the house i fail. many things that i disliked but accepted before i now experience as hurting. things that i liked before i dont like anymore because they are hindering my meditationpratice.
to go to work yesterday i took the bus, spanisch busses always were fun to me, vivid, communicative, somehow surprising. Yesterday the driver had the radio turned on loud and all passengers, mainly women going shopping on sales, were chattering, half an houre. i could not find my former love for such situations, for these people, i was not botherd but i felt the noise as physical pain.
sometimes my friend does not guard his right speech, so happend yesterday when he talked with somebody about their boss. hearing them caused physical pain.
the process of looking for a job causes pain.
Strange!
but the few workinghoures have been ok., better than expected. nobody entered the gallery, only one called. hope the boss will accept that i take over the job and my friend can go on retreat.
today i had some business in the village where i worked before i left, went to see my old office, the secretary who replaced me is about to leave. she said, she can`t understand how i could work there for more than one year, the boss is unbearable. he rather is a proof of pacience. he came to welcome and embace me and invited me for a meeting next week together with one of the colleagues.
hmmm.
meditation today was fine and sensitiv. when i do the touchingpoints i can do it with much concentration, for an houre rising, falling, sitting, touching, with almost no breaks - and without noting sounds, thoughts, feelings ... so today i tryed not to concentrate but to be just mindful. just sit and note what appears or happens. back to the roots i did only rising, falling, sitting. i realised that i see, but in dark and without really knowing what i see, its like dreames hidden behind a curtain, i say "seeing, seeing" but can´t tell what i saw.
i can catch the upcoming thoughts rather quick and they dissapear, but some thoughts are so quick and short that they are gone before i could say "thinking" - so i dont know if i should say it in this case.
slowly, slowly i get a feeling for what is ment with: impermanence. of course i know the meaning of the word, theoretically. today i understood at least that every thing, every being, including the one i am, thoughts, itching insectstiches, smells, feelings, nuclear radiation, mayflys ... everything that appears to be has its limited time of appearance. after that, pouf paf, its not anymore.
(but somehow {not jet figured out, can`t explain} it seems as if it {everything} always was/is, because never and always or end and beginning or present moment and eternity is quite equal. boom tatha.)
i should not write about things that i dont understand, better go practice.
to go to work yesterday i took the bus, spanisch busses always were fun to me, vivid, communicative, somehow surprising. Yesterday the driver had the radio turned on loud and all passengers, mainly women going shopping on sales, were chattering, half an houre. i could not find my former love for such situations, for these people, i was not botherd but i felt the noise as physical pain.
sometimes my friend does not guard his right speech, so happend yesterday when he talked with somebody about their boss. hearing them caused physical pain.
the process of looking for a job causes pain.
Strange!
but the few workinghoures have been ok., better than expected. nobody entered the gallery, only one called. hope the boss will accept that i take over the job and my friend can go on retreat.
today i had some business in the village where i worked before i left, went to see my old office, the secretary who replaced me is about to leave. she said, she can`t understand how i could work there for more than one year, the boss is unbearable. he rather is a proof of pacience. he came to welcome and embace me and invited me for a meeting next week together with one of the colleagues.
hmmm.
meditation today was fine and sensitiv. when i do the touchingpoints i can do it with much concentration, for an houre rising, falling, sitting, touching, with almost no breaks - and without noting sounds, thoughts, feelings ... so today i tryed not to concentrate but to be just mindful. just sit and note what appears or happens. back to the roots i did only rising, falling, sitting. i realised that i see, but in dark and without really knowing what i see, its like dreames hidden behind a curtain, i say "seeing, seeing" but can´t tell what i saw.
i can catch the upcoming thoughts rather quick and they dissapear, but some thoughts are so quick and short that they are gone before i could say "thinking" - so i dont know if i should say it in this case.
slowly, slowly i get a feeling for what is ment with: impermanence. of course i know the meaning of the word, theoretically. today i understood at least that every thing, every being, including the one i am, thoughts, itching insectstiches, smells, feelings, nuclear radiation, mayflys ... everything that appears to be has its limited time of appearance. after that, pouf paf, its not anymore.
(but somehow {not jet figured out, can`t explain} it seems as if it {everything} always was/is, because never and always or end and beginning or present moment and eternity is quite equal. boom tatha.)
i should not write about things that i dont understand, better go practice.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
work
today i have to work for a few houres in the afternoon. usually i did things that have to be done without thinking too much about it, just doing. this morning i woke up after five and a half houres sleep, as in the monastery - but with my stomac crumping, the mind distracted.
this work i have to do is absolutely no big deal, sitting in a gallery of arts, waiting for somebody to come in. normally nobody does when i trust the one who is doing this job normally.
got up early to meditate. i was very much thinking: nun, lay, nun, lay ...
could i, a former feminist and openminded western woman become a nun in thailand where women count less then man, where nuns are cooks and cleaningwomen of monks?
shure so far is: i want to study the dhamma and as soon as i understand enough of it i want to teach it.
on of this mornings thoughts was: it is clinging onto forms thinking that i can not become a nun unless the accept me as a bikkhuni (normally thailandes nuns are called mae chi and are not as respected as monks nor has the same rights, neither same responsabillities) it is unimportant and unproductive to think so because my heart is buddhas, my mind is the dhamma and this body belongs to the sangha of beings that practice the dhamma to find buddha-nature.
for a moment there was no doubt.
dana the dog dont like when i´m doing walking meditation, it seems to frighten it, comes with one of its toys and stares at me dropping the toy right before my feet. "come play, come play"
by the way, it time to take the dog out ...
this work i have to do is absolutely no big deal, sitting in a gallery of arts, waiting for somebody to come in. normally nobody does when i trust the one who is doing this job normally.
got up early to meditate. i was very much thinking: nun, lay, nun, lay ...
could i, a former feminist and openminded western woman become a nun in thailand where women count less then man, where nuns are cooks and cleaningwomen of monks?
shure so far is: i want to study the dhamma and as soon as i understand enough of it i want to teach it.
on of this mornings thoughts was: it is clinging onto forms thinking that i can not become a nun unless the accept me as a bikkhuni (normally thailandes nuns are called mae chi and are not as respected as monks nor has the same rights, neither same responsabillities) it is unimportant and unproductive to think so because my heart is buddhas, my mind is the dhamma and this body belongs to the sangha of beings that practice the dhamma to find buddha-nature.
for a moment there was no doubt.
dana the dog dont like when i´m doing walking meditation, it seems to frighten it, comes with one of its toys and stares at me dropping the toy right before my feet. "come play, come play"
by the way, it time to take the dog out ...
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
back home
a few days back home in Spain. back from a a two month trip to thailand where i spent most of the time in a forest monastery.
to be able to go there i quit my job, a miserable job, more a slave then a secretary. but it was a job to learn humbleness, nessecary after being spoiled by my avocation as actrice.
now, back to a place that i missed the last two month, i wander what i am doing here. shure, i should find a new job as quick as possible. know that, yes, yes.
but before i left thailand i was asked to become a nun.
live the holy life.
be careful when you ever go on a meditation course! it might change your life.
i meditated since long, no problems with sitting, no pain, strong concentration ... but not really an advancement. so i decided to go on retreat.
when i did it, i wanted to leave, wanted home. faught against ego which is very strong. ego faught against mind that wished to become a better being.
a fight with no winner but to be faught until both, ego as well as mind understand that fighting is not the way that leads to peace and freedom.
become a nun, imagine this, i would have laught out loud before i went to thailand. (albeit, i thought of it many,many times since years) thought: next life maybe. this life is to be enjoyed (ok. i dont drink alcohol, dont smoke, dont go out at night ... but still there is much to enjoy). love my home, the dog dana the cats katzu and manju, the garden, neighbours, the little village i`m living in and last but not least the dear friend i am living with.
still i love this all and reason says, stay where you are and enjoy what you have and desreve, heart says: farewell, beloved.
we`ll see.
to be able to go there i quit my job, a miserable job, more a slave then a secretary. but it was a job to learn humbleness, nessecary after being spoiled by my avocation as actrice.
now, back to a place that i missed the last two month, i wander what i am doing here. shure, i should find a new job as quick as possible. know that, yes, yes.
but before i left thailand i was asked to become a nun.
live the holy life.
be careful when you ever go on a meditation course! it might change your life.
i meditated since long, no problems with sitting, no pain, strong concentration ... but not really an advancement. so i decided to go on retreat.
when i did it, i wanted to leave, wanted home. faught against ego which is very strong. ego faught against mind that wished to become a better being.
a fight with no winner but to be faught until both, ego as well as mind understand that fighting is not the way that leads to peace and freedom.
become a nun, imagine this, i would have laught out loud before i went to thailand. (albeit, i thought of it many,many times since years) thought: next life maybe. this life is to be enjoyed (ok. i dont drink alcohol, dont smoke, dont go out at night ... but still there is much to enjoy). love my home, the dog dana the cats katzu and manju, the garden, neighbours, the little village i`m living in and last but not least the dear friend i am living with.
still i love this all and reason says, stay where you are and enjoy what you have and desreve, heart says: farewell, beloved.
we`ll see.
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