Thursday, May 20, 2010

same old question agin

Still I am at the lay peoples house and the best is, they are as happy to have me as visitor as i'm to be their guest. She told me that she was afraid and worried before I came, how it will be to host a nun. Yesterday she asked if I could extend my stay ...
The best is, she has a lot of questions about meditation and I can give her answers. The man i hardly meet, and I never spoke with him.
Day before yesterday I finished sewing the bhikkhuni vest so that I have now one entire st of robes complete. After finishing sewing I started to learn pali, second lesson today, it's easier that Thai.
I can meditate a lot but my concentration is not strong these days. Lots of thoughts are swirling through the mind.
Yesterday I met Ajaan, again I asked about Bhikkhuni ordination. He lately changed his mind and tells me I cannot stay with him as my teacher after ordination. asked if I can stay with him if I wait until he can do the ordination and then ordain with him, he said: "that's possible"? asked if I could until then continue to keep the Bhikkhuni rules he said: "if you do not claim to be a Bhikkhuni" asked if I could come back when ordained as Bhikkhuni with someone else he answered: after 5 years." "After two years, then, it's two years for Bhikkhunis to stay with their preceptor" I said.
The situation is difficult, there is presently no place for me, there is just no room, and if or when the situation will change is most uncertain.
So I was thinking last night what to do ... Give up every further try to receive ordination and hope that in one and a half year, when Ajaan is ready to ordain, that he until then didn't change his mind and still is willing to give me ordination and that the situation with the meditation center will be better and there will be room for me to stay.
Or just go for ordination whenever with whomever it will be given and forget about Ajaan.

Not an easy question.
I'm open for input.


Branko said...

IMHO forget about Ajaan and have an ordination wherever is possible. Make an end to whole this agony (as I see it).

Pandita Inaka said...

Get it done! Forget about everybody who is against your ordination or not supportive in favor for it.

Anonymous said...

My goodness it is almost hard to breathe in a world so suffocating are all the rules and conventions.

When faced with such a situation I usully cut a direct path to what I think I want. So get it done I agree with Branko and Pandita Inaka.

You know this whole thing is a convention, one to be respected for sure, a life saver even. Nevertheless a convention.
Take the raft then drop the raft.

Your blogs are good.
: )

Arun said...

I’m new here, so forgive me for asking a question you may have already answered. Are you getting support/advice on ordination from the community of bhikkhunis in the United States?

lek said...

forget your own wishes and do what your upajjhaya says. you farang goes always with the own head but you are maechi and canot be so stubborn. i don't know your ajaan but maechi should trust and follow what ajaan say.

phalanyani said...

thank you everybody for the comments. Time will show ... the seed is planted, we'll see when the fruit will be ready to harvest. It's not in my hands anymore.

@ Arun:
your question is not easily to answer with yes or no. The reason is: there is no North American Bhikkhuni Sangha (of Theravada Bhikkhunis). There are Bhikkhunis living in different states of Amercia in different conditions ordained by different preceptors. They know each other and communicate, as it seems. But this cannot be considered Sangha or community.
But I know some of them personally and others by writing or through the internet. Those who know me do support (mentally) and advice me and one recently had sent an e-mail to others - as letter of support.

I started reading your blog. I didn't ever think about the term you're writing of, I have to confess.

@ Branko, Pandita
nice to have a backup from you guys!

@ BuddtcwHa
yes! That's why the thought to desrobe and rundeeply into the forest and not to meet other monastics again stiil occurs appealing in my mind, although I know I will not do it.

@ lek
hmm, you make me consider, yes, that's the Thai-version of understanding a nun's role. I must have internalized some of it; otherwise I would probably not consider to wait for Ajaan until he can ordain me. To remind me to practice patience instead of following my own stubborn thoughts and wishes is helpful anyway.

Anonymous said...

you might. probably not but you might. how do we know tomorrow?