It feels as if it would be time for the next intensive retreat. But the situation is just not favorable for it. After reading a lot Dhamma, living with the sisters, staying at my sister's, going to the forest etc.etc. I would like to retire from samsara. What have I lost here? Is there any importance to leave the room or the meditation cushion as long as one is not yet enlightened? No, not really.
But I'm on the go. Tomorrow my brother in law will pick me up and I will again stay for some days with my sister and her family.
After that? It was planned I'll be back in L.A. beginning of May to help prepare and then attend the Ajaans birthday which is on ninth of May. But presently I'm not sure at all, if I go back there. I came to help establish a meditation center which unfortunately will not be done so fast. Instead I met an Ajaan who didn't seem to welcome or need me and a secretary who didn't want me and convinced some of those who treated me equal to a monk not to do so anymore. hmmm.
No, not angry, I see that it is not the moment yet to have that center, I saw it's potential arising and ceasing and understand the causes. no reason for anger. But going to where I'm not welcome ...? Of course, a lot of money was spent to get me there, to meet the Ajaan. Stay in a situation that makes unwholesome thoughts and anger arise in a person? Disliking, disliking, disl ... but I should stay with my preceptor, if I or others like it or not. It's my obligation.
Last night i spent one hour turning on my mat, thinking the cause back and forth until I finally remembered that I'm a strong meditator and should not have my mind go astray in wild thoughts about past and future happenings or places I want or not want to be, but just wait and see what will happen. All I know is that I will not fight for any position as for example to be a secretary instead of the secretary nor will I break any of the rules to appear more aimable and helpful. I can't do a chore for laypeople and if a lay asks me to serve the monks and clean, i can't do that. Anyway, after watching two risings and fallings of the abdomen I fell deeply asleep.
In the end, I have to go to L.A. because I will leave from there to Germany on 31. of May. I still could go to see the nun in South Carolina but I have no sponsor for that anymore, she had to recall her offer.
Ajaan, mentioned now 3 times he could give me ordination when the time comes, (in 1 1/2 years), I should more deeply consider if this could be an option.
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path to truth - diary of a Buddhist nun
The Buddha said:
So hard to see, so very, very subtle, alighting wherever it likes: the mind. The wise should guard it. The mind protected brings ease.
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- Phalañānī
- former actrice and comedian for a long time quit stage and audience some years ago to live a peaceful and quiet life in a small village in spain. Actually i'm ordained as a theravada buddhist nun.
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Karania Metta Sutta
This is what should be done By one who is skilled in goodness, And who knows the path of peace: Let them be able and upright, Straightforward and gentle in speech, Humble and not conceited, Contented and easily satisfied, Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways. Peaceful and calm and wise and skillful, Not proud or demanding in nature. Let them not do the slightest thing That the wise would later reprove. Wishing: In gladness and in safety, May all beings be at ease. Whatever living beings there may be; Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none, The great or the mighty, medium, short or small, The seen and the unseen, Those living near and far away, Those born and to-be-born — May all beings be at ease! Let none deceive another, Or despise any being in any state. Let none through anger or ill-will Wish harm upon another. Even as a mother protects with her life Her child, her only child, So with a boundless heart Should one cherish all living beings; Radiating kindness over the entire world: Spreading upwards to the skies, And downwards to the depths; Outwards and unbounded, Freed from hatred and ill-will. Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down Free from drowsiness, One should sustain this recollection. This is said to be the sublime abiding. By not holding to fixed views, The pure-hearted one, having clarity of vision, Being freed from all sense desires, Is not born again into this world.
1 comment:
thanks, wsxwhx729
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