Saturday, February 20, 2010


Again some days of determination. My feet are hurting from all the hours walking on tiles. At night i go out to do walking on a different floor. If you ever build a meditation hut, don't put tiles on the floor!
Food is since some time full of garlic again, stomac pain and few vomits are the result.
[versace-slipper-monk told the kitchen team not to give me garlic-free food anymore]
I've been through 2 hard days, now its easy and i feel happy and easy dispite all difficulties.
2 days ago Ajahn told me i don't need to come every day to report anymore. I noticed that i was attached to seeing him every day and that i'm angry that he and bhikkhuni are going to china without taking me there for ordination. Sure they don't. But somehow i had the weird idea they could do it.
After observing these and other attachments i experienced a moment of being completely unattached. What a great moment! It felt as if strings wrapped around my heart just fell off.
This was not a moment of enlightenment, not nibbana, nor anything spectacular. Just the arising of an unattached mindstate ... for the first time in life and only for short - it was followed by surprise, joy, excitement, wanting to remain in this state of mind and knowing that by then it was already lost.
This made me understand that there really truly can only be one state of mind at a time. this 'time' is a very brief moment and therefore it might seem that mindstates are mixed or combined but that is not so. The mind is just too slow to realize the quick changes of states.
There is a certain spectrum of states that can arise in mind.
For an untrained mind it's not controllable. A trained mind will be able to let some states arise while others are subpressed that quick that it will seem they're never arising.
Oh, so much more work to do. To get this understanding as a routine and adaptable to daily life will be very difficult. Seeing it for a second and living it are still two pairs of shoes for me.
2 days later. The garlic made me burb, i could have gained the 'burbing-contest' if there were one. Unfortunatey my hut has no whatsoever sound isolation and i felt very sorry for my neighbors who could wittness the sounds of a garlic-intolerance. The poor kitchenteam suffered more then i, because they, too heard me burbing and vomiting.
The old kitchen nun who always made sure that no garlic comes into my bowl, retired a week ago from her job [with 75]. That was the moment for the monk to interfere. Today the old nun, mae chii sukjai, secretly cooked something for me in her hut and gave it to the kitchen that they can offer it to me. The workers said that they are so sorry and that it is not their ill-will that they gave me garlic food. I was close to tears. The man of the team kneeled down and put the food into my bowl and yelled 'blessing' through the kitchen, to inform the others, they went down on their knees, as well, when i chanted, in the end they said unisone: 'sadhu, sadhu, sadhu'. It is good, it is good, ...
Usually giving blessing in the kitchen is quick done because they have a lot of work.

Tomorrow i'll finish retreat, a lay-friend in phrao died, the husband of the woman who called the devas to take care of me in wat tam dog tam and i'm invited for the funeral ceremony. I'm happy to see some forest and some other friends. Funerals in thailand are not dramatic as in the west, so it's a good event to meet with monk-friends.

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