just another day

Since some days i'm in phrao in the same monastery where i was last year taking part at the parivara. This time i came very late and only joined the last 2 days of this years parivara. But i stay for some more days enjoying the silence. [which was interrupted by 3 different karaoke-parties somewhere around in the area last night. :o)]
Here i have some luxury: washingmashine, warm shower, a house for me alone and as phra robert mentioned today, everybody seem to like me.
On the 3rd i will go with ajaan kasem to another, short parivara in a forest monastery where he stayed as a novice. We visited that temple twice, it's beautiful, with cave, a big buddhastatue, forest and view from the hill. It will be cold. Well, that's relative. Cold means 10 - 13 degrees in the morning, during the day it climbs up to 30. The wind then is experienced as a nice cool breeze and in the morning we are wearing woolen hats and vests and minimum worm blanket around the shoulders above the robes. Some monks are looking just like a pile of cloth and blankets when they sit for morning chanting. The brave ones take off the blanket from one shoulder and the hat for the beginning of chanting. The weaklings do not even move a toe out of the clothpile. I'm half-weakling, i take blanket and hat off, but wear a sweater and the nuns-blouse.
I'm practicing moderate and try to get some quality in meditation which i hadn't always had in all rounds in my meditation-determination-marathon the last months.
The body is changing. The more i lose wanting the more the neck is not pulling to the front. The tendency leaning to the left and the tention in the left shoulder comes from crumping the heart. I try to open it physically and mentally whith the result that all sorts of fears come up. Big and small, at daytime and in dreams. Was dreaming of losing my teeth, of waking up and be blind, of the earth losing it's solidity and dissolving underneath my feet etc.. Some month ago i didn't notice that my heart is crumping, then i noticed that i'm crumping it a few times per day. Lately i notice it every couple of minutes but once i turn away the attention from the heart, paff - tensed again.
In 'open' moments the world as it is is hard to bear. Everything, insects, people, animals, even the beauty of flowers and moments of happyness fill me with pity - a mixture of pity and love and knowing i can't help.