Monday, April 5, 2010

Just when I wanted to start a new determination we moved out of Wat Thai, a few days earlier then expected. We were supposed to leave on the 5th anyway because a lot of people were expected for Songkran, the Thai new year.
The change is - wow- is for the good, one might say.
We are staying here in a wonderful environment, with lots of green, quiet, a place called what sound like Tarzan. I have no idea where exactly we are, since we arrived I hardly left my room. The big house is a perfect small meditation center. It has a perfectly suitable room for a nun and is occupied by a very happy nun :o).
It has a kuti for the monk and teacher, looots of room for meditation inside and outside, only for western meditators it will not be as perfect, because sleeping rooms have to be shared. But it is marvelous. The only negative point for it now is that it will probably not be the last destination on the journey to a the meditation center. It is impermanent, yes,yes. But anyway the present moment is now and now we are here.
I have two more nights here then I go and see my sister. There a kuti in the garden is waiting for me, hehe.

One month america now. Time passes quickly. When I was not reading suttas or writing something in internet, I was meditating.
In the beginning some fears arouse, nobody likes me, I'll be sent away, old demons, even a small panic attac arouse and I could watch them silently, unmoved and they went away after very short. Mind often was like numb.
One evening during a Dhammatalk held by a Thai monk (few people there and they were chatting with each other or talking on phon, not like when Ajaan talk and everybody sits upright and listens carefully), I sat in mediation because I didn't understand a word what the monk was saying, suddenly I had pictures in mind, opening the heart and a deeeeep endless dark space opened and an unseen hand grabbed out of the depth part of my "self", held them in front of me to watch them and threw them out with effort, like in a comic strip when Donald is repairing a motor and pulls out pieces and throws them over his shoulder. A dismounting of the self started. A weird experience, really.
I was excited and scared both at the same time and my heart was beating wild for the whole night and the next day. Then Ego arouse and took over, I was not strong enough to continue the dismantling of self. First I could not notice anything anymore, blocked, when the mind had been like numb before it was now just not accessible anymore. No entrance for one who wants to dismantle self, eheh. "I" avoided to meditate as good as "I" could while i tried to not to lose the last experiances andi forced myself to sit and walk.
That's days ago.
Slowly, slowly i approach some kind of equanimity, knowing it's only possible because everything is perfect, apart from the cold which i try to take as an object of practice. One situation, when Ajaan didn't want to talk to me when I had a question in his and his attendants favor, showed me that equanimity is feeble, it took me some minutes to fight frustration down. I was about to give away the wonderful room I was given and wanted to know if it wouldn't be better if the attendant stays in it, but they didn't even want to listen to my heroic and selfless offer, and self felt misunderstood as a result.
Now I stay in this room, happy, peaceful and do my best to honor that i may stay here by using it for as much meditation as possible.

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