on my second or third day in Bangkok we went to the new airport to pick up a outstanding-women-in-Buddhism-award-winning Bhikkhuni, we that was 2 thai bhikkhunis, 1 american and i, the mae chii. We had lots of time and went to the monks waiting room. The Thai bhikkhunis didn't know that such a room exists and were delighted to see it. After sitting there for a while, a monk slowly opened the door and moved his head in slowly turning it towards us. It took me a second to realize, that it was my Ajahn. "Oh, only women" he said, we greeted him respectfully and then he left. He was probably on his way to china, where he and some others are giving a meditation course.
Later, we were waiting at the gate, to pick the person up, a monk came down on the electric starirs. He was smiling. The airport is always full of monks. Then I looked again, it was one of my brothers of Chiang Mai, he was on his way back to the monastery and was happy to meet me because he had to give me some information about ordination.
Suvanabhumi airport is huge, incredible to meet someone i know.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Bangkok
Sarani waited paitently for an answer if I accompany her to Bangkok or not. Finally yes I did. We had 3 days together there, then she went to LA and waits for me there, in case i'll go up to the north of California on 12th.
We came to women training center, we-train, where the ceremony of giving-the-outstanding-wome-in-Buddhism-award was prepared.
I had a room for my own in the nun's cottage, it was actually not really alone, I shared with hunderets of mosquitoes. They had hidden under the bed, i used a mosquitonet because the room had no screens. unfortunately i did not know that plenty blood succer were under the bed and hang the net just so that it touched the ground, There was no exit for them. At 1:00am I started feeding the mosquitoes for 2 hours.
the center has everything, big guesthouse, orphanage, place for mistreated women, hairdresser school, thaimassage, restaurant and so on.
i got to know the organizer of the awards-ceremony, a Bhikkhuni since many years. she was very nice, down to earth and funny. every day more Bhikkhunis and other women arrived.
I went on almsround with the organizer every morning and received lots of food from people who knew her and money. She was a mae chi for long time in this place and has many friends there.
It was shocking to see that some monks "went" on alms round by being driven by motorcycle, just jump off, receive, give blessing and drive too the next one. the driver was waiting 2 meters away having about 10 bags on his cycle.
My friend and supporter Sirikarn met with me and we went to a Buddhist shop, a shop that supplies every a monk might need. She wanted to offer the first robes to me in case, i could ordain in America.
She went straight to a shop that was recommended by one of her friends, but I didn't feel like getting something there, so we went to the next shop next door and the next, in the 4rth shop i stayed longer and had a look around. Sarani was with us that day. We found robes of pure cotton in a color we all liked. while sirikarn was paying, i was watching monks-mosquitonet-umbrellas with Sarani. the seller came and we asked the price, Sarani wanted to buy one. while the assistent was sent to get one the seller said "I offer it" and she asked me if I want one as well. "No, I said, very nice, but I have already one". the seller yelled: "get another one, search for the best with everything, the entire set." The seller's sister called her friends and family to come over to the shop. "do you need anything else", "no" the seller sent the assistant who had brought all stuff for us to get another outer robe, "do you need anything else", "no" then she told her to get two more vests, I gave a blessing together with Sarani,"do you need anything else", "no" she ordered to bring more lower robes and was desperately looking for something else I might need, she finally had the idea to give both of us another monks-tudong-bag which was a good idea and I really needed one for all things i got. again she asked if i need more, "no!" sarani pointed at my bare feet, the seller said, " I have shoes, but they are of bad quality and will be broken soon, I don't give them to her." I gave another blessing and started to head towards exit before the seller ruined herself by giving me too much. the people that were called befor came in and offered money to us. another blessing, exchange of e-mail addresses and farewell. i hope i will be worth the faith the people suddenly had.
Sirikarn who is way too supersticious asked me days later if i uses supernatural power to get what I want. AAAGgrrrrr!
I try since weeks to tell her that if i had such powers I would not be allowed to use them. To intrude someones mind for the purpose to get what one wants really is the worst, the least, it's bad, bad, bad. Supernatural powers in a person which is not 100% firm in the sila, who has not a pure mind, are a danger, both for the person itself and for all others. Please do not think so bad of me, my friend Sirikarn.
We went after leaving the shop to see Sirikarn's husband who is a high rank of th city police. He officially offered the robes to me. He is nice, calm and friendly. Afterwords we were brought back to the center by a police car. Sarani was a bit dissapointed, that we stood in the trafic as everybody else, not using our blue lights.
to be continued
We came to women training center, we-train, where the ceremony of giving-the-outstanding-wome-in-Buddhism-award was prepared.
I had a room for my own in the nun's cottage, it was actually not really alone, I shared with hunderets of mosquitoes. They had hidden under the bed, i used a mosquitonet because the room had no screens. unfortunately i did not know that plenty blood succer were under the bed and hang the net just so that it touched the ground, There was no exit for them. At 1:00am I started feeding the mosquitoes for 2 hours.
the center has everything, big guesthouse, orphanage, place for mistreated women, hairdresser school, thaimassage, restaurant and so on.
i got to know the organizer of the awards-ceremony, a Bhikkhuni since many years. she was very nice, down to earth and funny. every day more Bhikkhunis and other women arrived.
I went on almsround with the organizer every morning and received lots of food from people who knew her and money. She was a mae chi for long time in this place and has many friends there.
It was shocking to see that some monks "went" on alms round by being driven by motorcycle, just jump off, receive, give blessing and drive too the next one. the driver was waiting 2 meters away having about 10 bags on his cycle.
My friend and supporter Sirikarn met with me and we went to a Buddhist shop, a shop that supplies every a monk might need. She wanted to offer the first robes to me in case, i could ordain in America.
She went straight to a shop that was recommended by one of her friends, but I didn't feel like getting something there, so we went to the next shop next door and the next, in the 4rth shop i stayed longer and had a look around. Sarani was with us that day. We found robes of pure cotton in a color we all liked. while sirikarn was paying, i was watching monks-mosquitonet-umbrellas with Sarani. the seller came and we asked the price, Sarani wanted to buy one. while the assistent was sent to get one the seller said "I offer it" and she asked me if I want one as well. "No, I said, very nice, but I have already one". the seller yelled: "get another one, search for the best with everything, the entire set." The seller's sister called her friends and family to come over to the shop. "do you need anything else", "no" the seller sent the assistant who had brought all stuff for us to get another outer robe, "do you need anything else", "no" then she told her to get two more vests, I gave a blessing together with Sarani,"do you need anything else", "no" she ordered to bring more lower robes and was desperately looking for something else I might need, she finally had the idea to give both of us another monks-tudong-bag which was a good idea and I really needed one for all things i got. again she asked if i need more, "no!" sarani pointed at my bare feet, the seller said, " I have shoes, but they are of bad quality and will be broken soon, I don't give them to her." I gave another blessing and started to head towards exit before the seller ruined herself by giving me too much. the people that were called befor came in and offered money to us. another blessing, exchange of e-mail addresses and farewell. i hope i will be worth the faith the people suddenly had.
Sirikarn who is way too supersticious asked me days later if i uses supernatural power to get what I want. AAAGgrrrrr!
I try since weeks to tell her that if i had such powers I would not be allowed to use them. To intrude someones mind for the purpose to get what one wants really is the worst, the least, it's bad, bad, bad. Supernatural powers in a person which is not 100% firm in the sila, who has not a pure mind, are a danger, both for the person itself and for all others. Please do not think so bad of me, my friend Sirikarn.
We went after leaving the shop to see Sirikarn's husband who is a high rank of th city police. He officially offered the robes to me. He is nice, calm and friendly. Afterwords we were brought back to the center by a police car. Sarani was a bit dissapointed, that we stood in the trafic as everybody else, not using our blue lights.
to be continued
long ago that i wrote. It's because so many things happend, I could rather get by with updating. I was traveling better said, still am.
I decided about two weeks ago, beginning of march is a good time to go. There had a lot of restlessness arisen and it seemed almost impossible not to travel. Ajahn and Bhikkhuni were traveling to China, so why stay.
I heard that the ajahns were going to china to ordain Bhikkhunis in China, after first giving a retreat. I don't know if this holds true. If it does - i was not asked to join. so i felt like not having any commitment to stay.
versace-slipper had caused enought trouble by telling the nuns not to give me any food without garlic and them having to find ways to give me garlic-free food. It's impossible for a my Thainun-kitchenfriends not to cook any extra for me. I felt indepted and had no better way to help them to have less work than just leave. They sneaked around my kuti and spyed out if the monk is watching and then brought me food, the situation was so ridiculous. Not from the nuns side, of course, but for me it was an unacceptable situation in which the nuns had been, this was the next reason for my sudden departure.
Ajahn was not pleased,would i say from reading his face, for a brief moment he had his ice-face. It's a sight with the abscence of every warm and loving feeling which usually is visable in his appearance. I got that look before, when I left. One is emotionally just cut off. Well, it was not so this time, i was dismissed with warm smiles, but can somehow, until now, not get rid of the feeling that i was supposed not to go now.
I decided about two weeks ago, beginning of march is a good time to go. There had a lot of restlessness arisen and it seemed almost impossible not to travel. Ajahn and Bhikkhuni were traveling to China, so why stay.
I heard that the ajahns were going to china to ordain Bhikkhunis in China, after first giving a retreat. I don't know if this holds true. If it does - i was not asked to join. so i felt like not having any commitment to stay.
versace-slipper had caused enought trouble by telling the nuns not to give me any food without garlic and them having to find ways to give me garlic-free food. It's impossible for a my Thainun-kitchenfriends not to cook any extra for me. I felt indepted and had no better way to help them to have less work than just leave. They sneaked around my kuti and spyed out if the monk is watching and then brought me food, the situation was so ridiculous. Not from the nuns side, of course, but for me it was an unacceptable situation in which the nuns had been, this was the next reason for my sudden departure.
Ajahn was not pleased,would i say from reading his face, for a brief moment he had his ice-face. It's a sight with the abscence of every warm and loving feeling which usually is visable in his appearance. I got that look before, when I left. One is emotionally just cut off. Well, it was not so this time, i was dismissed with warm smiles, but can somehow, until now, not get rid of the feeling that i was supposed not to go now.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
mindstates
Again some days of determination. My feet are hurting from all the hours walking on tiles. At night i go out to do walking on a different floor. If you ever build a meditation hut, don't put tiles on the floor!
Food is since some time full of garlic again, stomac pain and few vomits are the result.
[versace-slipper-monk told the kitchen team not to give me garlic-free food anymore]
I've been through 2 hard days, now its easy and i feel happy and easy dispite all difficulties.
2 days ago Ajahn told me i don't need to come every day to report anymore. I noticed that i was attached to seeing him every day and that i'm angry that he and bhikkhuni are going to china without taking me there for ordination. Sure they don't. But somehow i had the weird idea they could do it.
After observing these and other attachments i experienced a moment of being completely unattached. What a great moment! It felt as if strings wrapped around my heart just fell off.
This was not a moment of enlightenment, not nibbana, nor anything spectacular. Just the arising of an unattached mindstate ... for the first time in life and only for short - it was followed by surprise, joy, excitement, wanting to remain in this state of mind and knowing that by then it was already lost.
This made me understand that there really truly can only be one state of mind at a time. this 'time' is a very brief moment and therefore it might seem that mindstates are mixed or combined but that is not so. The mind is just too slow to realize the quick changes of states.
There is a certain spectrum of states that can arise in mind.
For an untrained mind it's not controllable. A trained mind will be able to let some states arise while others are subpressed that quick that it will seem they're never arising.
Oh, so much more work to do. To get this understanding as a routine and adaptable to daily life will be very difficult. Seeing it for a second and living it are still two pairs of shoes for me.
...
2 days later. The garlic made me burb, i could have gained the 'burbing-contest' if there were one. Unfortunatey my hut has no whatsoever sound isolation and i felt very sorry for my neighbors who could wittness the sounds of a garlic-intolerance. The poor kitchenteam suffered more then i, because they, too heard me burbing and vomiting.
The old kitchen nun who always made sure that no garlic comes into my bowl, retired a week ago from her job [with 75]. That was the moment for the monk to interfere. Today the old nun, mae chii sukjai, secretly cooked something for me in her hut and gave it to the kitchen that they can offer it to me. The workers said that they are so sorry and that it is not their ill-will that they gave me garlic food. I was close to tears. The man of the team kneeled down and put the food into my bowl and yelled 'blessing' through the kitchen, to inform the others, they went down on their knees, as well, when i chanted, in the end they said unisone: 'sadhu, sadhu, sadhu'. It is good, it is good, ...
Usually giving blessing in the kitchen is quick done because they have a lot of work.
Tomorrow i'll finish retreat, a lay-friend in phrao died, the husband of the woman who called the devas to take care of me in wat tam dog tam and i'm invited for the funeral ceremony. I'm happy to see some forest and some other friends. Funerals in thailand are not dramatic as in the west, so it's a good event to meet with monk-friends.
Food is since some time full of garlic again, stomac pain and few vomits are the result.
[versace-slipper-monk told the kitchen team not to give me garlic-free food anymore]
I've been through 2 hard days, now its easy and i feel happy and easy dispite all difficulties.
2 days ago Ajahn told me i don't need to come every day to report anymore. I noticed that i was attached to seeing him every day and that i'm angry that he and bhikkhuni are going to china without taking me there for ordination. Sure they don't. But somehow i had the weird idea they could do it.
After observing these and other attachments i experienced a moment of being completely unattached. What a great moment! It felt as if strings wrapped around my heart just fell off.
This was not a moment of enlightenment, not nibbana, nor anything spectacular. Just the arising of an unattached mindstate ... for the first time in life and only for short - it was followed by surprise, joy, excitement, wanting to remain in this state of mind and knowing that by then it was already lost.
This made me understand that there really truly can only be one state of mind at a time. this 'time' is a very brief moment and therefore it might seem that mindstates are mixed or combined but that is not so. The mind is just too slow to realize the quick changes of states.
There is a certain spectrum of states that can arise in mind.
For an untrained mind it's not controllable. A trained mind will be able to let some states arise while others are subpressed that quick that it will seem they're never arising.
Oh, so much more work to do. To get this understanding as a routine and adaptable to daily life will be very difficult. Seeing it for a second and living it are still two pairs of shoes for me.
...
2 days later. The garlic made me burb, i could have gained the 'burbing-contest' if there were one. Unfortunatey my hut has no whatsoever sound isolation and i felt very sorry for my neighbors who could wittness the sounds of a garlic-intolerance. The poor kitchenteam suffered more then i, because they, too heard me burbing and vomiting.
The old kitchen nun who always made sure that no garlic comes into my bowl, retired a week ago from her job [with 75]. That was the moment for the monk to interfere. Today the old nun, mae chii sukjai, secretly cooked something for me in her hut and gave it to the kitchen that they can offer it to me. The workers said that they are so sorry and that it is not their ill-will that they gave me garlic food. I was close to tears. The man of the team kneeled down and put the food into my bowl and yelled 'blessing' through the kitchen, to inform the others, they went down on their knees, as well, when i chanted, in the end they said unisone: 'sadhu, sadhu, sadhu'. It is good, it is good, ...
Usually giving blessing in the kitchen is quick done because they have a lot of work.
Tomorrow i'll finish retreat, a lay-friend in phrao died, the husband of the woman who called the devas to take care of me in wat tam dog tam and i'm invited for the funeral ceremony. I'm happy to see some forest and some other friends. Funerals in thailand are not dramatic as in the west, so it's a good event to meet with monk-friends.
Friday, February 12, 2010
more
after retreat is before the retreat. I just continue until about 21th of this month or so, then i will prepare for the trip to america in beginning of march, as it seems.
Not going to Sri Lanka. Ajahn is happy with that if i could read in his unmoved smiling face correctly! Bhikkhuni definately is.
Not going to Sri Lanka. Ajahn is happy with that if i could read in his unmoved smiling face correctly! Bhikkhuni definately is.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
to town
i was in town yesterday to meet a friend and day before yesterday to meet a Bhikkhuni firend. it's not good outside, as nice as it is to meet with friends who share believes - to go to samsara feels wrong.
Although I can note body quite good, know sitting, walking, moving etc. at least the mayor postures and some of the minor. Town didn't hurt this time, because both times we met in a monastery which has a nice coffee shop. A dramatic movie, a thriller or whatever, was shown on tv, i didn't watch but know now that i didn't guard my sense door of hearing good enough, we heard a lot of fighting sounds and that was following after in the meditation at night.
today 8 hours of meditation, more effort, i was told in report.
Although I can note body quite good, know sitting, walking, moving etc. at least the mayor postures and some of the minor. Town didn't hurt this time, because both times we met in a monastery which has a nice coffee shop. A dramatic movie, a thriller or whatever, was shown on tv, i didn't watch but know now that i didn't guard my sense door of hearing good enough, we heard a lot of fighting sounds and that was following after in the meditation at night.
today 8 hours of meditation, more effort, i was told in report.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Fresh from the cushion
Finished retreat day before yesterday but am still working on the latest insights. How can these almost banal things take so long to come from ‘yes, yes, I know’ to ‘knowing’. Or is it just me so narrow minded that insights hardly get through?
But first of all, mainly for my family I want to say this:
When I talk of all the suffering, pain and of miserable existence, … I know it worries you. And sometimes I hesitate to write of it, therefore. But misery, pain etc. are moments, after which happiness arises again, or indifference. Neither of it lasts long. Misery is there, in everybody’s existence, as is happiness. I’m observing suffering, am not living it. That makes pretty much of a difference. Moments of real suffering, problems actual, present, hot, larger than that Bhikkhuni ordination is difficult to get or food has far too much garlic, are rare. I feel very, very much a fortunate.
Ajahns laconic: ‘have metta for yourself’ that he said among all ‘more effort’, more concentration’ kept me busy. I worked for an increase of upekha [equanimity], and thought metta [loving kindness], khanti [patience] will help me to get it .
First I thought, ‘well if I have metta with myself, I’m going to sleep long and stop practicing, ha!’. Silly thing. Then I realized that it is enormous difficult to have metta for myself, but sending it to other is easy. Then I found that I don’t really know what it means to have metta for someone or how to send it, that what I did so far as was sending metta, was some wishful thinking and some imaginings. Then I understood that when I have metta for me, then there is metta and once it is there, it is for me and everybody else, without difference, it’s just there. But then I didn’t know how to get it. No idea, no access to it. And then one morning there was a little spark and then a silent, tiny little supernova happened in my chest. The body was flooded by warmth, lights, colors. All was very decent and if it had happened in another occasion I would not have noticed it. And then there was love, immense, overwhelming. Oceans full, never ending sources.
Too much to bear, and I closed, tried to open, found it again, couldn’t bear it again, closed and started to play with closing - opening for it. It still works.
That’s where metta comes from, that’s what it is: It’s just there one just has to open the mind for it.
‘It’s Buddhaday I can’t run to Ajahn’, tears were falling and there was too much love but not enough patience, not enough equanimity. ‘That’s on the list as well phalañani, so remain on the cushion and learn it.’
The fresh experience of this ‘source of love’ kicked me far away from equanimity. I didn’t move physically but mentally was moved. Metta too overwhelming, equanimity out of reach, so I concentrated on patience, I tried but weak concentration. So I started to get deep into observing the rising and falling of the abdomen, the sitting of this body the touching points and concentration got better again. It must be the same with all paramis [perfections, perfect virtues], I thought, ‘they are there, among all the mind pollution there is perfection, like the good smells we breathe in with all the polluted air, just keep watching the breath, phalañani’.
Without lights and colors, drums and trumpets patience was there, in sitting; equanimity was there; karuna, [compassion] was there. Compassion is even harder to bear than love.
This is all way too big for me, I have to get used to it slowly, when compassion is there without equanimity, I just cry. When there is love but no patience, I scare people. When there is equanimity without love, it’s cold … So I have to learn how this all works together.
This morning an ant was walking over face and left ear. I noted itching, itching. Usually I would have waited a while to show me that I have some patience but then after 2 minutes would have put it away. Today I understood that this little being’s existence is much more miserable then mine, when it walks on my face it just does its job, it’s not personal, it does not intend to bother me. Understanding this I could develop love and compassion for the ant, that helped me to bear the itching with patience, just noting it and equanimity arose. After teaching me thus, master ant left.
But first of all, mainly for my family I want to say this:
When I talk of all the suffering, pain and of miserable existence, … I know it worries you. And sometimes I hesitate to write of it, therefore. But misery, pain etc. are moments, after which happiness arises again, or indifference. Neither of it lasts long. Misery is there, in everybody’s existence, as is happiness. I’m observing suffering, am not living it. That makes pretty much of a difference. Moments of real suffering, problems actual, present, hot, larger than that Bhikkhuni ordination is difficult to get or food has far too much garlic, are rare. I feel very, very much a fortunate.
Ajahns laconic: ‘have metta for yourself’ that he said among all ‘more effort’, more concentration’ kept me busy. I worked for an increase of upekha [equanimity], and thought metta [loving kindness], khanti [patience] will help me to get it .
First I thought, ‘well if I have metta with myself, I’m going to sleep long and stop practicing, ha!’. Silly thing. Then I realized that it is enormous difficult to have metta for myself, but sending it to other is easy. Then I found that I don’t really know what it means to have metta for someone or how to send it, that what I did so far as was sending metta, was some wishful thinking and some imaginings. Then I understood that when I have metta for me, then there is metta and once it is there, it is for me and everybody else, without difference, it’s just there. But then I didn’t know how to get it. No idea, no access to it. And then one morning there was a little spark and then a silent, tiny little supernova happened in my chest. The body was flooded by warmth, lights, colors. All was very decent and if it had happened in another occasion I would not have noticed it. And then there was love, immense, overwhelming. Oceans full, never ending sources.
Too much to bear, and I closed, tried to open, found it again, couldn’t bear it again, closed and started to play with closing - opening for it. It still works.
That’s where metta comes from, that’s what it is: It’s just there one just has to open the mind for it.
‘It’s Buddhaday I can’t run to Ajahn’, tears were falling and there was too much love but not enough patience, not enough equanimity. ‘That’s on the list as well phalañani, so remain on the cushion and learn it.’
The fresh experience of this ‘source of love’ kicked me far away from equanimity. I didn’t move physically but mentally was moved. Metta too overwhelming, equanimity out of reach, so I concentrated on patience, I tried but weak concentration. So I started to get deep into observing the rising and falling of the abdomen, the sitting of this body the touching points and concentration got better again. It must be the same with all paramis [perfections, perfect virtues], I thought, ‘they are there, among all the mind pollution there is perfection, like the good smells we breathe in with all the polluted air, just keep watching the breath, phalañani’.
Without lights and colors, drums and trumpets patience was there, in sitting; equanimity was there; karuna, [compassion] was there. Compassion is even harder to bear than love.
This is all way too big for me, I have to get used to it slowly, when compassion is there without equanimity, I just cry. When there is love but no patience, I scare people. When there is equanimity without love, it’s cold … So I have to learn how this all works together.
This morning an ant was walking over face and left ear. I noted itching, itching. Usually I would have waited a while to show me that I have some patience but then after 2 minutes would have put it away. Today I understood that this little being’s existence is much more miserable then mine, when it walks on my face it just does its job, it’s not personal, it does not intend to bother me. Understanding this I could develop love and compassion for the ant, that helped me to bear the itching with patience, just noting it and equanimity arose. After teaching me thus, master ant left.
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