tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-47259541311171534232024-03-13T09:27:23.150-07:00silly nunpath to truth - diary of a Buddhist nunPhalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.comBlogger236125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-9392196961244439432011-02-19T18:18:00.000-08:002011-02-19T18:21:46.665-08:00The reason why I started to write this blog was because I was alone in the forest with an old monk who had not much idea about the Dhamma and who didn’t speak English anyway and I didn’t speak Thai. My teacher had left to America and I had no one to talk to. I reckoned that my teacher would eventually read a blog if I would write one and somehow guide me if it would be necessary. Don’t know if it worked. <br />Now, being Bhikkhuni it’s much more difficult to write about experiences made in meditation, there are rules which I can easily break. <br />Even if I write 100 times “this experience does not mean I’m enlightened”, someone may not read it and think I’m boosting with my attainments - which, honestly, never was my intention. If it sounded as if, please forgive, I was and am defiled and conceited. So, for this and for the reason I already mentioned: by making stories out of things a sense of self is being manifested as “I am”, “this is my experience”, “this I have been through” ... keeping me attached to this “I” more than a silly nun, who just wishes to let go of the sense of self, can cope with.<br /><br />The past is past.<br /> <br />For now until further notice I will not continue the blog. The story of the silly nun came to an end (which does {unfortunately :o)} not mean that I became enlightened.)Later I will continue here or start another blog in farther future to share the Dhamma and where’s and what’s. I’ll let you know.<br /><br />Friends and family– as well as those who have questions on the Dhamma and think I could answer them – can write to my e-mail phalanyani@gmail.com . I’m not online often but will answer as soon as possible.<br /><br />If anybody wants to practice meditation I recommend to come to Wat Rampoeng, in North Thailand, this is where I am now and I can recommend the center and the teacher and the meditation method taught there.<br /><br />For all who read this, I wish you the best of luck. May you always be in conditions to learn and grow on the spiritual path, may you have faith that nibbana is possible.<br />Do the right thing.Phalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-91851225394117697192011-01-24T23:39:00.000-08:002011-01-24T23:40:13.306-08:00telling storiesIt becomes much more difficult to write here. <br />Every single moment is a story, through meditation the experiancing of all sensations becomes much more intense and clear. And I love telling all the stories. But I see in meditation that every story I tell is keeping me attched to “I am” and “things are as I see and tell them” which is limiting the mind immensely. So, what to do? <br />Being restraint and not telling anything unless it’s the Dhamma or share what I want to share to have it said and let go of it. Don’t know yet. Maybe I’ll find a way to keep friends and family updated.<br />My health is improving and I don’t have vomits, diarreah or strong pain since I took the anti parasite medicine, large amounts of different antibiotics and Two Mae Chiis are providing garlic free food. The immune system was kind of down from all this stomach problems, so I chaught a heavy cold and had after that the shingles which kept coming back for over a month and a half. But even this seems to be past now. How luxurious. Health! I apprechiate to have a healthy body again and am kind of attached to it, as it seems.<br />The original idea had been to get to Thailand, meditate, get a one year visa, go back to the kuti, close the door and meditae at least until next vassa, but I got only a 2 month tourist visa for. Went to Laos for the purpose of getting a 3 month visa but, no, the boss changed and they can’t do it anymore without the letter from the Buddhistoffice. <br />It’s funny, as a Bhikkhuni I’m not existant here in Thailand – non-self, anatta, officially, by law. Now only my mind has to get this point, then I would be really free. Well, maybe some more meditation helps :o)<br />I know a women from the buddhist office and she is so upset that she can’t help, but if someone there gave me this letter, they would break the law, so I understand their situation and am not angry. Although I noticed a slight tone of selfpity when I answered to her question about where I will go next with “I don’t know”.<br />All the time in retreat I felt like it’s getting too much and I can’t go on with meditation. Sometimes I thought I reached where I can get with this defiled mind and not further, I am attached and can’t let go of certain things because I’m just not strong enough. I felt sick most of the time but not unhappy, but stressed by havig to meditate 12 hours minimum per day. I just couldn’t because it happened that I sometimes slept 12 hours to get this sickness out of the body. Then Ajahn agreed that I don’t have to meditate 12 hours but to try not to sleep more then 4 hours at night. Usually possible on retreat because meditation is better than sleep. But not this time. I also thought with the so well known selfpity that I might possibly have a really severe desease. (Some of the parasites have been severe and could, untreatened, have caused dead - but they are gone.)<br />I found out that what I thought to be compassion was in reality sorrow, which is close but not quite the same. Let’s say it’s the defiled sibling. Sometimes compassion arises in overwhelming amounts … I see the suffering, experience it with all the senses internal and external suffering. Sometimes I fear I will go mad because I just don’t bear it anymore. Sometimes I manage to have some compassion with myself which is very different from having selfpity. Sometimes I feel with the ants when I sweep and almost cry because they are so far from the Dhamma and from the possibility to become enlightened and have to face so much to suffering, to carry so heavy loads and bear this enormous huge being pushing them around with the broom. Some of them know and try to hide when they hear the broom on the floor. <br />Not that I can read minds, by far not but I see the suffering in peoples faces, sometimes even some of their defilements. Oh, it is so much easier to see the defilements of somebody else rather than one’s own. Where to put the arising compassion? What to do with this love? Body and mind seem to burst sometimes.<br />I was told as a child every thing will be good every thing will be fine. And I’m still waiting fot the day to come. With the Buddha’s Dhamma I have at least a tool at hand which enables one who followes the instuctions to become free from suffering.<br />It’s not that I’m unhappy even when I experience almost nothing else but suffering presently. More than ever before I see the limitations of my mind, not able to let go what makes an “I” out of this body and mind. I see my will, the volition, standing in my way to liberation - and the one I have to overcome is strong!Phalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-62039406053088790342010-12-04T05:59:00.000-08:002010-12-04T06:00:30.973-08:00in briefYes, yes, yes. I’m alive, well, happy, Bhikkhuni, back to Thailand and on retreat agin.<br />Sorry for not writing earlier. <br />Now I’ll try to catch up in brief to the latest news. Which is not easy because the time was so full and rich that every hour was worth to be mentioned in (this unimportant) blog.<br />I remember mentioning Willis pancakes in one of the last posts I wrote.<br />Well, after that I got back to America, San Francisco. A friend of the Dhammadharini picked me up at the airport and took me straight to the forest where I had spent one day and night in April.<br />A large area of natural grown redwood forest on a hillside given to the Bhikkhuni Sangha by the wonderful person Jill, who her self lives on another part of the land. I found a spot to stay which was - in my opinion - the most beautiful spot. Meditation there was so great and easy …<br />Conditions were kind of rough. The facilities extremely basic but the spirit wonderful. On my second day I received Samaneri ordination and could finally make use of the robes Sirikarn gave me and I was carrying around since months. It was a simple but beautiful ceremony. <br />From the beginning on I felt rather bad, physically, after sitting and walking meditation for so long my muscles had degenerated. Every step one made was either up or down the hill, it took two weeks to build up some muscles again. And I had again stomach problems, different than in Thailand, but quite present pain, gases and diarrhea. I did mention sometimes that I feel like a wrack and needed a lot more sleep then usually but only in the end, I could go to see the doctor to and took some antibiotics to get rid of intestinal bacteria. <br />The prospect of being ordained as Bhikkhuni and the good meditation on the land made me forget the pains and hardships and I was very happy all the time. The ordination took place on the 29th of August and was an auspicious, marvelous, beautiful event. It felt so right, so right to finally take the ordination. The end of an inacceptable situation, which makes life much more complicated but gives it sense somehow. It was Americas first dual- ordination with all four parts of the fourfold assembly present. Bhikkhus, Bhikkhunis, lay men, lay women. Maybe I find a link to some pictures and to an article in the huffington post, if so I’ll publish it here. s<br />Bhante Gunaratana, who was the elder who gave us our first ovada after the ceremony said to me “And now do never disrobe again.” Yes, may I never disrobe! Still so much joy and gratefulness arises often when I become aware of being Bhikkhuni. It feels right.<br />After the ordination I had two weeks for personal retreat. Great time! Without the pain and diarrhea I would probably have levitated above the hillside out of joy. With the pains and so I at least had a very happy time sitting on my cushion.<br />It was good to come to know that women groups are not necessarily dominated by hormone driven disasters, hysteric attacks, endless chatter – which can turn 3 month in torture. No, this group, and after our ordination, this Sangha was harmonious, friendly, open and supportive. I was not the only one with health problems but nobody complained. There was too much work to do, no end to see and everybody wished to have more time for meditation – but that was just not possible. <br />Back in Thailand I was very well cared by Sirikarn who picked me up at the airport and cared for me for some days. With her help I could get from one place to another without breaking any rules …<br />I arrived at my former monastery on the Kathina day. The welcoming was very warm. Many, many people Mae Chiis, monks, lay people, rejoiced that I had become ordained. Ajahn gave me some time for rest, two day to be exact, then I started a retreat. It took about one month.<br />Now we tried to get a one year visa for me, no problem as Mae Chii to get one, but as Bhikkhuni I don’t get it because Bhikkhunis do not exist according to Thai law. They suggested I could disrobe … funny. What I can get are 3 months visas, as it seems, so I’ll try my luck with this and consider to travel to Sri Lanka and Australia.Phalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-66585489508917967922010-08-30T21:12:00.000-07:002010-08-30T21:14:23.572-07:00ordination ...the wish to ordained as Bhikkhuni has ceased into a peaceful smile.Phalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-53273279868284642072010-07-22T02:09:00.000-07:002010-07-22T04:56:57.756-07:00Germanythe time I spend in Germany is flying by. Tomorrow I will head back to North California and spend my vassa, the rains retreat in a redwood forest Sonoma coast together with Bhikkhunis, Samaneris and lay women.<br /><br />If you ever want to do a retreat in Germany, practicing mostly on your own, I would recommend the Anenja Vihara. (just write the name in google and you get to their web page in German or English)It is a small monastery for women in one of the most beautiful places of Germany. I met two Samaneris and two Bhikkhunis there, all very nice, friendly women keeping up strict monastic life. A little bit aside of the mainhouse is a caravan for men, so, dudes you are not excluded from this lovely spot. I hope to get there again one day and will meet the head of the vihara, who was on Tudong for some weeks when I came.<br /><br />For now I just hope that I will be able to enter the USA without problems and will not be caught in customs for many hours as it happened last time. I have documents that show that I'm invited, that I have my roots somewhere else in, not in America and a ticket to leave the country on time, at the end of October to Thailand. A Thaiwoman whom I met last time will pick me up at the airport and bring me to the Vihara of the Bhikkhunis who together with friends prepared the forest site since months to become a suitable vassa retreat place. I followed their efforts online and feel ashamed that I was not there to help. But I have an incontrovertible excuse, US visa restrictions. <br /><br />I will be offline with very few exceptions. In case of emergency please write to awakeningforest@gmail.com, messages will be forwarded. But of course I do hope nobody will need to send an emergency-message.<br /><br />May you who reads this and all beings be happy and peaceful every moment. Love is there when you have it in your heart.<br /><br />P.S.: As a farewell lunch my mother's friend Willi prepared the world's best apple and blueberry pancake today. Yesterday he made another of my favorite dishes, Reibekuchen ... Danke Willi!Phalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-47652123761916457012010-07-16T06:23:00.000-07:002010-07-16T06:37:36.221-07:00western diseasAnother phenomena of people living in households is to need to be the one who is right. <br />Yes, I was like that and I apologize if any victim of my former need to be right is reading this. What a hell. We are all getting older. End really comes into sight, we should make sure that we do good for others and to be with people who wants to do good for us as well. <br />But no! The contrary is the case. <br />Instead of creating an ambiance of peace and harmony where one cares for the pains and hardships of the others, for the well being of all, care is just focused on the fault of the others and on being right. <br />There is no sense in wanting to be right, having the last word, dominating the other, in biting and biting back. The seed of hatred is set with every word that is spoken by wanting to be right. That’s pure suffering. <br />Maybe it comes along with the pain … <br />When I started to write this blog I was the same, I remember post telling about monks behavior and there was the wanting to be right involved. It changed by the time - yet it's not gone it still arises in me but I can observe it and let it more and more often. <br />Now I write about people in my environment and feel I do it out of compassion. Is that so, Phalanyani? Even in this compassion that sometimes is unbearable strong there is a touch of "I know better". It upsets me a bit to see people act and speak hurting themselves and others. And sadness has it’s roots in anger or different said: it is arising because I have a disposition for anger and the wanting to be right eg. want the people to understand that developing peace and love is just more fun. Hence, I’m still creating unwholesome … If I were radiating peace and love people around me could see what fun that is. <br />So, excuse me everybody, there is work to do.Phalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-21947456391033141762010-07-16T06:13:00.000-07:002010-07-16T06:23:17.744-07:00Meeting the pastNow, again at my mother’s house I stay in the room that was my room for long. It is a little bit like a kuti, a small kuti though. It has a bed, a shelf and a heater. It is separated from the rest of the house through a small patio and originally was a storage for tools and stuff but I was very happy to have a room on my own and not to share with my sister. It’s not a perfect nun’s quarter but it is allowable because it is separate. As all things from childhood the room, too, looks smaller now than it did then. <br />To my big surprise the town has developed to its better. When the family moved here about 43 years ago the settlement was build on farmland in the middle of nowhere on the edge of a small village, some forest, some farms and a highway. The trees of the settlement are grown now some forest is still left. Not that I really like it – but it gained charm with the years.<br /> It is very interesting meeting people, most are very friendly to me, although some stare. My mother’s spouse picked me up and brings me if I have something to do (like applying for a visa) he often cooks (very good), likes my dog and shares his food with it. By the way: It’s not my dog anymore, it clearly states that it want to be my mother’s dog.<br />I recognize some of the neighbors by hearing their voices but if I would meet them somewhere I would not know them. It quite a while since I came here last time … Only one, I will always recognize. She got older, has feeble health but she is as warm hearted and loving as she always was. Meeting her again after many, many years I wanted to tell her how much she means to me, how she changed my life, directed it into the good direction, how important she was etc. With a short, harsh “I know” she interrupted me and smiled in a way that almost made me cry. LOVE. <br />All people around me have strong pain, physical they say. It is really astonishing, everybody I meet here speaks of pain. Is it a new German phenomena??? I can’t help because my “accept it”, “breath into it”, ”just observe it and take it as what it is, a feeling” are not very popular. I’m very sorry and would love to be able to give relief from pain but can’t and don’t believe in healing powers other than the power of one’s own mind. But it is interesting to see how different people are dealing with their pain.<br />From lamenting, silent bearing, taking pills or drown the pain in alcohol every strategy is present. How lucky am I to have no pain (or just very little). There is no escape from it. All these strategies don’t work well, all just temporary solutions. How would I wish to tell all these people to focus on the pain to see through it and make peace with it.Phalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-86697622400815772672010-06-21T08:17:00.000-07:002010-06-21T11:18:04.357-07:00lifes surprisesAfter 2 years in Thailand I come to know that the relation between women and men are much easier here in Europe. It is a relief, to be honest. <br />I met my brother and family, friends, old neighbors had my feet in the ocean and a birthday retreat with a friend whom I know since long. We worked for the same company and she starts to discover Buddhism. What a joy to help her with this task.Phalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-35165615527624088772010-06-15T05:17:00.000-07:002010-06-15T06:22:47.185-07:00journeyI'm still on the journey, meeting friends and family, seeing places that I used to love and miss.<br />15 days ago I met my dog, I was concerned before that whatever might happen. In the end it turned out that it send clear signals that it likes my mother and wants to stay with her. For her it is very good as well to have it because she needs to walk.<br />A great detachment and disillusion took place. And a joy. Not that I love anybody or anything less than before, in contrary almost. <br />It is this compassion and love that makes the detachment so joyful.<br /><br />It might happen that I can receive Bhikkhuni ordination in August. The option of ordaining in July is canceled so far, or better said postponed to next spring. August is another option. Not confirmed. But it is an option and I will go back to California for the vassa, where a ordination ceremony will take place in August. May I be one of those who receive ordination there and then.Phalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-63275767321529622872010-06-08T02:16:00.000-07:002010-06-08T02:18:10.569-07:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVR4VceAPZKLrVGy8oCmUKyM5eCm0qj1hoCJ7Xn0wY8h9NEa14IhT_vbDrkiNKGm_HKvhLMMEN17vxcqFvoinUq634DqCK9QWAF7MlvmK4tOS4HvlS_CxR-HoqhuVBsxhXXt1j3sRJ5S2G/s1600/photo(3).jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVR4VceAPZKLrVGy8oCmUKyM5eCm0qj1hoCJ7Xn0wY8h9NEa14IhT_vbDrkiNKGm_HKvhLMMEN17vxcqFvoinUq634DqCK9QWAF7MlvmK4tOS4HvlS_CxR-HoqhuVBsxhXXt1j3sRJ5S2G/s320/photo(3).jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5480329462007524786" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnLBd24Cgrvs54ec9BqVjDQ_PAN1L9y3mVQaNUkcHTTgu1D32HHEVC8WmUDtyfqKG1zRattD1QbzTcNGVaxL_hs_6oNnZIyKq2L-EzEzp35gw5JgBxcpR6ze034PE2KiyMzEue1sIJuYUc/s1600/photo(2).jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnLBd24Cgrvs54ec9BqVjDQ_PAN1L9y3mVQaNUkcHTTgu1D32HHEVC8WmUDtyfqKG1zRattD1QbzTcNGVaxL_hs_6oNnZIyKq2L-EzEzp35gw5JgBxcpR6ze034PE2KiyMzEue1sIJuYUc/s320/photo(2).jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5480329458714793202" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDUGVRKBAfpgl_vvdab_MnMv3LkVOSYziQQ_ZiSUbRd2yCEQRlPDAxORCz-Vlrj08gv5ozYXflNcJLvhTF1ezs1EXKLeBcm34fy12uaNq3tH12XYGvrGHd2Xi4Mhzoyg06zxtl1eXn21C6/s1600/photo.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDUGVRKBAfpgl_vvdab_MnMv3LkVOSYziQQ_ZiSUbRd2yCEQRlPDAxORCz-Vlrj08gv5ozYXflNcJLvhTF1ezs1EXKLeBcm34fy12uaNq3tH12XYGvrGHd2Xi4Mhzoyg06zxtl1eXn21C6/s320/photo.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5480329450231624930" /></a>Phalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-87577598172562367062010-05-30T20:11:00.000-07:002010-05-30T21:25:20.347-07:00I'm leaving on a jetplane, don't know when I'll be back againtomorrow in the afternoon I will leave america.<br />It feels good. Although I loved to meet my family, was happy to make new friends and get to know some very nice nuns, it's time to go. I would prefer to go somewhere into solitude, a retreat would be good. But it's not on the list yet.<br />Next step Duesseldorf. Seeing my mom and "my" dog again after two years. I will not arrive in a easy, pleasant situation there, thus I know already, but - it could be worse, i guess. Mom is happy to have me back and although she is not in good conditions she sounded strong when I talked to her this morning.<br />The farewell from Ajaan was short. He didn't look at me and didn't say much, two words if I hadn't asked for a blessing. <br />:o)<br />Anyway, he may have his reasons which I don't understand. May he not have any problem with me or anything / anybody else, may he remember me as a loyal friend and succeed in his strive to get a meditation center. It seems that I can't help him and then I wont. <br />I'll go my way and do deeply hope that the postponement of the ordination will somehow be canceled and that there will be an ordination for me before this vassa. <br /><br />hehehe :o)))))<br />perception ... :o) it really works in a funny way and men's perceptions are genuinely working different than women's. :o)<br />A man had thought I'm in love with him. Even if this man would match in age and anything else, which is not the case and even if he would be attractive, which he is not (ok,ok, that's relative, subject to personal tastes and views) - I'm a nun and happy menopausing. <br />We were talking about it the other day with some women (the menopause, not the man)... sexual interest has just gone and that's perfect, well at least for the nun, for others it causes some problems once in a while. <br />I have come to the conclusion that some men have just too much self esteem and are overvaluing their potential of attraction to women. <br />None the less, I love you guys, 'unerotic', unconditioned, as the beings that you are. :o)Phalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-82635881721680895802010-05-27T13:50:00.000-07:002010-05-27T14:20:48.800-07:00a blessinghere is suppose to be a link don't know if it works it shall lead to a blessing<br />http://www.4shared.com/audio/dwvvNYML/culla-mangala-cakka-vala.htmlPhalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-36292231183005936972010-05-27T12:47:00.000-07:002010-05-27T13:00:37.753-07:00first try to publish 'taking refuge'http://www.4shared.com/file/ZD_8cRqS/Triple_Gem.html<br /><br />http://www.4shared.com/file/80KJVxQ3/taking_refuge.htmlPhalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-30339167075846095902010-05-26T18:18:00.001-07:002010-05-26T18:22:13.258-07:00recorded blessingtoday I found out how to record with my computer. Wanted to send a blessing and the going for refuge to the triple gem for the soon coming Vesakh day (28.5. this year) ... now I just have to figure out how to add an mp3 file to the blog :o)Phalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-36020714482024034672010-05-25T20:09:00.000-07:002010-05-25T20:14:45.512-07:00postponed ...As I said in the comments the seed is planted but one does not know when toreaping the fruit …<br />Yesterday I went with the woman I’m staying with to the Bhikkhunis here in Los Angeles to say good bye and to talk about ordination in July.<br />I don’t want to claim that I have the supernatural power of seeing into the future but since quite a while I had the impression that ordination will not be in July – and right! It will not be in July. It might be at any time from July this year until end of vassa next year. I will receive notice some months in advance. December was mentioned … <br />I was cool yesterday but it was hard to keep. We went to meet Ajaan after seeing the Bhikkhunis and I would have started crying if I had talked about it. It’s not that I’m upset all times, but quite a lot of upset moments are coming up.<br />Then I can really wait until next year after the vassa, until Ajaan can take part. <br />In the end it’s important to give up desire and to become free from suffering. I wasted half a year running after something, the ordination, I will receive it, just not when I want it. Often when my mind was unquiet searching for a place to ordain, thinking about the unfairness of the treatment of women when it comes to ordination etc. etc. I knew deep down that I’m wasting time by concentrating on something that does not lead to freedom from suffering, so on something off topic. <br />I will continue keeping the 311 rules even when not ordained. It’s more important to be at peace and to work on the final goal, enlightenment than having the title Bhikkhuni. *sigh* It’s easier written then done. Patience, Phalanyani.<br />See if he will receive his meditation center finally and if then I’ll be invited to be there. It seems quite sure that I will not come back to America for the vassa, unless there is a meditation center, which now is most uncertain. To go for the vassa and then leave again is just too expensive.<br />(I do, of course, consider in a hidden nook of mind to go for the secret ordination and then just stay in the forest in Thailand somewhere, but there are some obstacles, like putting those monks who do it to go to jail for an ordination that will probably not be accepted by anyone, obtaining a Thai visa once mine expires …)<br />Thanks, guys, for mental support, the agony goes on but I will try not to be in agony any more.Phalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-73828359092546562442010-05-20T19:53:00.000-07:002010-05-20T20:26:49.046-07:00same old question aginStill I am at the lay peoples house and the best is, they are as happy to have me as visitor as i'm to be their guest. She told me that she was afraid and worried before I came, how it will be to host a nun. Yesterday she asked if I could extend my stay ...<br />The best is, she has a lot of questions about meditation and I can give her answers. The man i hardly meet, and I never spoke with him.<br />Day before yesterday I finished sewing the bhikkhuni vest so that I have now one entire st of robes complete. After finishing sewing I started to learn pali, second lesson today, it's easier that Thai.<br />I can meditate a lot but my concentration is not strong these days. Lots of thoughts are swirling through the mind. <br />Yesterday I met Ajaan, again I asked about Bhikkhuni ordination. He lately changed his mind and tells me I cannot stay with him as my teacher after ordination. asked if I can stay with him if I wait until he can do the ordination and then ordain with him, he said: "that's possible"? asked if I could until then continue to keep the Bhikkhuni rules he said: "if you do not claim to be a Bhikkhuni" asked if I could come back when ordained as Bhikkhuni with someone else he answered: after 5 years." "After two years, then, it's two years for Bhikkhunis to stay with their preceptor" I said.<br />The situation is difficult, there is presently no place for me, there is just no room, and if or when the situation will change is most uncertain.<br />So I was thinking last night what to do ... Give up every further try to receive ordination and hope that in one and a half year, when Ajaan is ready to ordain, that he until then didn't change his mind and still is willing to give me ordination and that the situation with the meditation center will be better and there will be room for me to stay.<br />Or just go for ordination whenever with whomever it will be given and forget about Ajaan. <br /><br />Not an easy question.<br />I'm open for input.Phalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-68467426334832025502010-05-13T19:55:00.000-07:002010-05-13T20:33:33.463-07:00L.A.I'm back in L.A. The climate is much more convenient, warm at night, sooo good.<br />Not that I want to complain about the shed in my sisters garden. It's lovely. Just the climate was not that one would enjoy a breeze through the cracks or a little shower of fresh rain water upon the pillow. It shouldn't have been windy or rainy at this time of the year and I hope for those who will stay in the shed, now that I'm gone, that it will be a bit warmer.<br />Here I stay in the house of some lay people, a Thai couple. They've put two extra doors to separate "my" part from the rest of the house, to make the room situation more proper. So nice of them. Now I have two rooms, a sleeping- and a meditation room full of Buddha and monk statues and a huge bathroom. What a luxurious live. It's quiet and as I found out today very good for meditation. I feel grateful and fortunate.Phalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-64844034149374412702010-05-09T10:06:00.000-07:002010-05-09T17:58:02.024-07:00the story of the little onelong time back, humankind was not jet developed, a small creature lived in a place that is now known as Europe, in a cave in mountains that many millenniums later would be called the Alps. <br />The creature was, without her having knowledge of it, a female being, a young one. She was hairy but not as hairy as an ape. She was able to walk on two legs but sometimes it was comfortable to support walking with the long arms, when they were not used to carry or do something.<br />Although she didn’t know to count days or years and couldn’t tell her age (or was aware that something like ageing existed), she knew that there was someone living before her. Two creatures who cared for her, fed her, then showed how to find food herself, how to find shelter. Both creatures were taller than she herself but she was getting taller, as well. There were other creatures around, similar to her and to the taller ones, all living in a big cave. Some of the taller ones went away regularly to get other creatures, different ones, who were there for eating and for keeping warm. Some creatures, those tiny ones, were funny to watch, some creeping, some wiggling, some moving through the air. In the end it was all about finding out which of all these creatures were easy to catch and good to eat.<br />By the time she had noticed a changes, sometimes it was cold, dark and ugly and everything was covered with white, for a long time, or it was muddy and it was very difficult to find enough food. Then it got warmer and more pleasant very slowly, green sprouts and roots and moving food in abundance, then it got dry and warm and water was sometimes little and then all green disappeared. Most times it was cold, although she could not tell it was. <br />And there was another change she noticed, a quick change between light and darkness, warmer and colder, the dark was full of weird sounds although most tall creatures seem to be sleeping. The bright light sounds were friendlier, more familiar than those of the dark. Sometimes she watched the light dots above her but had no idea what it was or what or why the dark was. <br />When watching the moving things move, or the green things grow out of themselves or the light spots above her or when others came after some time with new food, she had feelings although she had now words for it. She couldn’t share with the others what was going on, not only because there were no words but as well because the others were busy getting food. <br />There was something inside her, moving, always, sometimes faster, sometimes slow, sometimes it seemed to jump out of her, in occasions. She had seen this in the others as well, there was always something moving, like they were full of this moving creatures they were eating. She was wandering what was inside of her. Was it the same like those beings that they caught and ate? <br />She had learned that there were dangers, that was when everybody’s insides were moving quickly but they hid and kept quiet. She understood that she, too, is food for others. She also had learned that some of the taller ones stared smelling stronger and losing the red liquid, at that time others of the taller ones were more aggressive and always around the bleeding ones attacking those who wanted to come closer. She had none of it, not the bleeding nor the being around aggressively - and was very happy about it.<br />Once it happened that 3 of the tall ones didn’t come back with food, among them was one of her caretakers. Others went to find food. <br />They had to eat a lot of green in the meantime. Suddenly, after eating, some of the others, tall ones and small ones, could not get up anymore, they were winding and whimpering, bad smelling liquid came out of their bodies and then they didn’t move anymore.<br /> Only three bleeding tall ones and some short ones were left, when unknown walking-on-to-legs-creatures came into the cave. She, the little one, was in the back of the cave, not seen, hidden by a rock. She heard screaming, growling, beating, she smelled the red liquid and a smell that she knew from fear. She had fear, immensely. After a while all sounds ceased and she dared to look over the rock. She was alone …<br />After some getting bright and darks the smell in the cave was unbearable - the ones who had eaten the green didn’t get up or moved, they had changed color and looked like left-over-food when it was not eatable anymore - and she had not eaten for some time, so she left the cave. While she was looking for some green to eat, always looking out for unknown ones and carefully choosing only the green that she knew, she saw one of the tall ones she knew coming back from far.<br />No one else was coming back, but he had at least some food with him. The creature he brought had a back shield. She took it, cleaned it and managed to fasten it on her back. She felt strong and protected with it.<br />They left the cave and moved higher up on the mountain where they found another cave, good protected and not easy to find, right behind a cliff above a deep abyss. Here it was more cold and less food but enough for them to survive. <br />It was a perfect place to live, once other creatures came close to the cave and when they were on the cliff above the abyss, her caretaker just pushed them down the abyss and they never came back and he expressed his victory and triumph with roaring sounds wild gestures. That happened quite sometimes.<br />One day the tall one came to her, with a look and a smell she knew from the aggressive tall ones when they rub over the other tall ones that were bleeding. He came over her and suddenly she felt incredible pain. She screamed and wanted to get away, he forced her down and stared rubbing. She felt pain and fear and hatred. She was bleeding between the legs. Now she would be like those who were bleeding sometimes. She didn’t like that.<br />It was a cold white time, and he was about to go and get some food, without hesitation she came after him and pushed him over the cliff. She didn’t want him to rub over her again and she knew that he wouldn’t not come back anymore, once over the cliff. She felt strong, victory, triumph! <br />Only at getting dark outside she noticed that she was alone now. And becoming hungry, she noticed she had no more food. With next daylight she went out but could not find any green at all. She felt a fear creeping up within her stronger than she ever felt before. It was cold alone, and hunger weakened the body. Next day she walked further but found no green food. At night she couldn’t sleep of fear and hunger and she tried to get deeper in her back shield that had become smaller somehow. She tried to eat the cold white. It helped just very little and she was shivering of cold. She decided to go down and find the others in the old cave, they must be back.<br />She found the cave and approached carefully. It smelled different than when they had left. No sounds! - but they must have come back, the cave was not abandoned. She tried to find some green food, slowly without making noise and then headed back to the cave. When she heard sound from afar she ran into the cave without hesitation and hid behind the rock as she did earlier in danger. The face as much into the corner, crouched, with the back shield to the open, though, not visible until someone would come into this corner of the cave. She heard her heart beating loud in her ears and tried not to breathe although she seemed to need more breath than usually. She heard the sounds of the others coming closer, the sounds were not familiar. Someone else took over the cave.<br />She remained unmoved in the corner for hours, just listening to the unknown sounds and to her heartbeat. Fear, fear. No way out! Trapped! She wanted to see who had come to live in “her” cave but didn’t dare. A single sound or movement could reveal her presence. <br />She was hungry, thirsty and weak, highly concentrated not to move and to control her breath. The entire day and night. First it was pain all over not to move, now she couldn’t feel her body anymore.<br />Her inner made noises, she couldn’t control that. Then she heard someone coming closer, then she felt something cold or hot, not possible to distinguish, then it felt hot all over or cold, a light flashed inside her and then perception stopped.Phalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-33752766138205012682010-05-04T19:57:00.000-07:002010-05-04T20:31:12.199-07:00carmel againback at my sisters, it's warmer now, think I will not get a cold on the kidneys again while sleeping in the shed and the itch-pimple-desease that the Bhikkhuni and I caught when we were in the forest is gone. Strange that I got sick so often here in the US. Anyway health is back and I have 3 and a half weeks left to stay in America.<br />Short before leaving the Bhikkhunis I was told that I have their support for my Bhikkhuni ordination. I was very touched, HAPPY!Phalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-55583762176576384672010-05-02T14:55:00.000-07:002010-05-03T08:50:44.224-07:00thinkingIt feels as if it would be time for the next intensive retreat. But the situation is just not favorable for it. After reading a lot Dhamma, living with the sisters, staying at my sister's, going to the forest etc.etc. I would like to retire from samsara. What have I lost here? Is there any importance to leave the room or the meditation cushion as long as one is not yet enlightened? No, not really.<br />But I'm on the go. Tomorrow my brother in law will pick me up and I will again stay for some days with my sister and her family.<br />After that? It was planned I'll be back in L.A. beginning of May to help prepare and then attend the Ajaans birthday which is on ninth of May. But presently I'm not sure at all, if I go back there. I came to help establish a meditation center which unfortunately will not be done so fast. Instead I met an Ajaan who didn't seem to welcome or need me and a secretary who didn't want me and convinced some of those who treated me equal to a monk not to do so anymore. hmmm.<br />No, not angry, I see that it is not the moment yet to have that center, I saw it's potential arising and ceasing and understand the causes. no reason for anger. But going to where I'm not welcome ...? Of course, a lot of money was spent to get me there, to meet the Ajaan. Stay in a situation that makes unwholesome thoughts and anger arise in a person? Disliking, disliking, disl ... but I should stay with my preceptor, if I or others like it or not. It's my obligation. <br />Last night i spent one hour turning on my mat, thinking the cause back and forth until I finally remembered that I'm a strong meditator and should not have my mind go astray in wild thoughts about past and future happenings or places I want or not want to be, but just wait and see what will happen. All I know is that I will not fight for any position as for example to be a secretary instead of the secretary nor will I break any of the rules to appear more aimable and helpful. I can't do a chore for laypeople and if a lay asks me to serve the monks and clean, i can't do that. Anyway, after watching two risings and fallings of the abdomen I fell deeply asleep. <br />In the end, I have to go to L.A. because I will leave from there to Germany on 31. of May. I still could go to see the nun in South Carolina but I have no sponsor for that anymore, she had to recall her offer.<br /><br />Ajaan, mentioned now 3 times he could give me ordination when the time comes, (in 1 1/2 years), I should more deeply consider if this could be an option.Phalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-88509852512769030362010-04-28T10:38:00.000-07:002010-04-28T10:48:36.897-07:00a remainderDon't wait until everything is perfect to be happy, but accept imperfections, shortcomings and hardships. Happiness is to be found beyond that, within the persent, not in perfect conditions.<br /><br />It seems that some of us who went to the forest last weekend come back with a cold. Does that make the forest less beautiful? or the joy of being there less experienced? No, certainly not. It is the time for resting now ...<br /><br />I didn't mention, that I share the meditation room here with another woman, means, I share the sleeping place with another person and even throughout the day we spend a lot of time both in the same room. Not a single sighn of panic arose, when it occured to me that I will have to share room nor am I bothered in any way by sharing it, My sleep is deep and calm. Not long ago I would have had panic, anger, aversion against a person who has no aversion towards me, I would most probably have just left the place finding an excuse eventually. But I'm just fine.<br />Not that I am a friend of room sharing now but I notice happily that I really did overcome this neurosis, with a lot of gratitude for the Buddha and his Dhamma. Meditation changes ...Phalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-55072576250380764292010-04-26T17:22:00.000-07:002010-04-26T21:05:08.400-07:00redwoodssince some days i stay in north california with a Bhikkhuni and a Samaneri. Short a while after my arrival a laywoman who wants to ordain one day came here. We spend some harmonic days together in the town residence. For the weekend we went further north to the redwood forest. wonderful land, redwood trees in the montains at the coast. there is a future Bhikkhuni training center, some people have cabins or caravans hidden in the forest. We were invited to stay in the cabin of one of the Bhikkhuni's friends. It was a beautiful cabin on a beautiful spot. a little cold, though but we had warm sleepingbags.<br />The next day we went to visit to another place, where some people who want to ordain want to donate their place. a marvellous place in a valley a little further away from the coast. They have a very good ready to use center, with rooms for guests, meditation hall, etc, etc.. but those who will receive this center as a donation will have to have strong supporters o/and managers have to organize a lot of retreats ...<br />Well, it was a good place to dream about having a meditation center in the forest.<br />see if I'm fortunate enough to get there again.Phalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-2032531861351604352010-04-23T18:48:00.000-07:002010-04-23T18:54:18.084-07:00going onwell, yes, ok, grace and the others I'll continue writing ...<br />although there is not much to say these days. I am staying with a Bhikkhuni, a Samaneri and a laywoman. The place is small but nice, people are nice, can meditate moderate but very peaceful.<br />evtl. we go to stay in a forest for some days tomorrow.<br /><br />am reading the Kevatta sutta on acesstoinsight.com like it very much. just give "Kevatta sutta" in googel, if you are interested in reading.Phalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-12640994478079663572010-04-19T16:38:00.000-07:002010-04-19T16:52:32.106-07:00still at my sisters.<br />face is sunburned from the last walks at the beach and reading outside. <br />was chatting and skyping with friends the last days.<br />had some kidney problems, am taking antibiotics and drink lots of teas or hot water, it's already ok again but have to finish the treatment. It's really heavy and influencing my mind. For some hours after taking the medicine I'm drowsy and dull.<br />I didn't meditate much these days. <br /><br />Tomorrow I'll go and see a Bhikkhuni with whom I'm in e-mail contact since last summer.<br /><br />Last couple of day's I received e-mails of concerned friends. Thank you for your concern and your caring thoughts. Here is actually not much to worry about. I'm fine, thinking more than necessary, too much, though. Not only sadness or thoughts of disrobing arose, as well peace, being happy to be a nun and so on ...<br />mind is unstable, thoughts are coming and going, I watch them and write the most significant down, not thinking that any of you friends may worry. I probably should not write all this, knowing that some of you worry, but since this is still my diary, ...<br />But obviously what I write sounds, when you read it, much more serious then it is in reality.Phalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725954131117153423.post-2520080479028342342010-04-10T20:50:00.001-07:002010-04-11T13:17:38.225-07:00at my sister'sa shed in the Garden, equipped with a futon bed. Brother in law made it himself with some friends. It has chinks and holes everywhere and the wind is blowing trough but it's nice and with 3 blankets it's warm enough. Was the presidential suit now it’s the nun’s refuge.<br />My sister and brother in law are really cute and try their best to help me keep my rules. Not that they were really interested in Buddhism or rules for nuns, but they offer food - without them kneeling down, without a blessing in Pali, but with all their love and my good wishes for them. Interestingly my brother in law is the foremost in offering.<br />My dear sister "warned" some of the neighbors that I might come around with my alms bowl. But as I'm not thinking of settling here I don't do so. <br />They live in 5 minutes driving distance from some beaches so we went for a walk on a beach yesterday and today through town to another one. People here are open and do not stare at me as they do in L.A., some smiled friendly and one said namaste and nodded. We were looking for fitting shoes and found some perfect nuns shoes on sales - 90 Dollar, they remained in the shop. My sister does not allow flip flops and wants a good quality shoe that fits in size for the nun. <br />The first time since 1 year and 9 months without Thai people and monastery around. I'm keeping rules while trying to get to know my family which I haven’t met for over 10 years, which in case of the kids makes an immense difference, the nice was just born when I saw her last, now she is a young lady. No ambition of taking part in "worldly" life arises, I observe it, observe interrelation, interaction feel much love but no desire to live sch a life myself. <br />Although I'm considering to just disrobe instead of becoming Bhikkhuni. I'm soooo tired of this monastery circus. Sooo tiered of being measured and scaled, being put in the Mae Chii box, pressed in the female role. I was not suffering of being female for many years, now I do. In samsara one is expecting to face jealous companions, envious "friends", backbiting, lying, hearing rumors about oneself etc. and I became a nun to get away from this. (I didn’t mention that I heard rumors that I own a car and were driving out of the monastery with it every day, and that I told the monks the could call me Pi Maha, whatever that is, something whith what I wanted me to put over the monks.)<br />Now suffering is arising because I'm still defiled and attached, but that's how it is, how “I” am. <br />There are two options, two ways of giving up: to try to get rid of it, to escape from it by following the wanting for sense pleasures or to become an Arahant and get over it. I try to change it by meditating a lot, but it seems as if my paramis are not strong and balanced enough to get over a certain point, I come to see my shortcomings, my faults and mistakes, the worlds unsatisfactoryness and uncontrollability see and experience suffering up to a point where I have the impression “I can not endure this anymore”. Sometime tears are falling but mostly I’m smiling somehowand don’t feel really unhappy, just that I can’t endure this all any longer. And then I escape into stupid thoughts, fill the brilliant open wide with mundane affairs. <br />The attachment to wanting is deeply rooted in this mind, so subtle (and gross, as well of course). It drives me mad that I can't get over it. <br />Of course there are moments of wonderful bliss of a kind that I did not know before, but the defilements and attachments are not to oversee. Sensitivity and compassion are there in a huge amount (and I always had both more then I wanted) but there is no defense or counterbalance. Today I saw a bird with an injured leg, so it could hop just on one and my stomach was cramping because I felt the bird’s pain. <br />“Close the sense doors”, was I told. One of the best advices ever, no doubt. “Develop paramis” said someone else. Inevitable on the path to enlightenment, for sure. Only I still do not know how to manage both. When I try to close sense doors, the mind turn numb, cold and unattached, there is no parami. When there are the paramis, the sense doors are wide open and I’m extremely vulnerable and suffer from the world’s suffering. That may be so because I could not develop enough patience and wisdom and that may be so because I’m not mindful enough on the present moment.<br />If I really would disrobe now, I would be a mental and emotional wrack for long, torn back and forth between arroganz and fear on one side and (misled) love, (rigid) moral shame and (overreacting) compassion on the other – both as result of half-knowledge. There is no other way, Phalanyani, go to your cushion, and then eyes shut and go through.Phalañānīhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09441577615968134217noreply@blogger.com1