silly nun

2011-02-19T18:18:00.000-08:00

The reason why I started to write this blog was because I was alone in the forest with an old monk who had not much idea about the Dhamma and who didn’t speak English anyway and I didn’t speak Thai. My teacher had left to America and I had no one to talk to. I reckoned that my teacher would eventually read a blog if I would write one and somehow guide me if it would be necessary. Don’t know if it worked.
Now, being Bhikkhuni it’s much more difficult to write about experiences made in meditation, there are rules which I can easily break.
Even if I write 100 times “this experience does not mean I’m enlightened”, someone may not read it and think I’m boosting with my attainments - which, honestly, never was my intention. If it sounded as if, please forgive, I was and am defiled and conceited. So, for this and for the reason I already mentioned: by making stories out of things a sense of self is being manifested as “I am”, “this is my experience”, “this I have been through” ... keeping me attached to this “I” more than a silly nun, who just wishes to let go of the sense of self, can cope with.

The past is past.

For now until further notice I will not continue the blog. The story of the silly nun came to an end (which does {unfortunately :o)} not mean that I became enlightened.)Later I will continue here or start another blog in farther future to share the Dhamma and where’s and what’s. I’ll let you know.

Friends and family– as well as those who have questions on the Dhamma and think I could answer them – can write to my e-mail phalanyani@gmail.com . I’m not online often but will answer as soon as possible.

If anybody wants to practice meditation I recommend to come to Wat Rampoeng, in North Thailand, this is where I am now and I can recommend the center and the teacher and the meditation method taught there.

For all who read this, I wish you the best of luck. May you always be in conditions to learn and grow on the spiritual path, may you have faith that nibbana is possible.
Do the right thing.

telling stories

2011-01-24T23:39:00.000-08:00

It becomes much more difficult to write here.
Every single moment is a story, through meditation the experiancing of all sensations becomes much more intense and clear. And I love telling all the stories. But I see in meditation that every story I tell is keeping me attched to “I am” and “things are as I see and tell them” which is limiting the mind immensely. So, what to do?
Being restraint and not telling anything unless it’s the Dhamma or share what I want to share to have it said and let go of it. Don’t know yet. Maybe I’ll find a way to keep friends and family updated.
My health is improving and I don’t have vomits, diarreah or strong pain since I took the anti parasite medicine, large amounts of different antibiotics and Two Mae Chiis are providing garlic free food. The immune system was kind of down from all this stomach problems, so I chaught a heavy cold and had after that the shingles which kept coming back for over a month and a half. But even this seems to be past now. How luxurious. Health! I apprechiate to have a healthy body again and am kind of attached to it, as it seems.
The original idea had been to get to Thailand, meditate, get a one year visa, go back to the kuti, close the door and meditae at least until next vassa, but I got only a 2 month tourist visa for. Went to Laos for the purpose of getting a 3 month visa but, no, the boss changed and they can’t do it anymore without the letter from the Buddhistoffice.
It’s funny, as a Bhikkhuni I’m not existant here in Thailand – non-self, anatta, officially, by law. Now only my mind has to get this point, then I would be really free. Well, maybe some more meditation helps :o)
I know a women from the buddhist office and she is so upset that she can’t help, but if someone there gave me this letter, they would break the law, so I understand their situation and am not angry. Although I noticed a slight tone of selfpity when I answered to her question about where I will go next with “I don’t know”.
All the time in retreat I felt like it’s getting too much and I can’t go on with meditation. Sometimes I thought I reached where I can get with this defiled mind and not further, I am attached and can’t let go of certain things because I’m just not strong enough. I felt sick most of the time but not unhappy, but stressed by havig to meditate 12 hours minimum per day. I just couldn’t because it happened that I sometimes slept 12 hours to get this sickness out of the body. Then Ajahn agreed that I don’t have to meditate 12 hours but to try not to sleep more then 4 hours at night. Usually possible on retreat because meditation is better than sleep. But not this time. I also thought with the so well known selfpity that I might possibly have a really severe desease. (Some of the parasites have been severe and could, untreatened, have caused dead - but they are gone.)
I found out that what I thought to be compassion was in reality sorrow, which is close but not quite the same. Let’s say it’s the defiled sibling. Sometimes compassion arises in overwhelming amounts … I see the suffering, experience it with all the senses internal and external suffering. Sometimes I fear I will go mad because I just don’t bear it anymore. Sometimes I manage to have some compassion with myself which is very different from having selfpity. Sometimes I feel with the ants when I sweep and almost cry because they are so far from the Dhamma and from the possibility to become enlightened and have to face so much to suffering, to carry so heavy loads and bear this enormous huge being pushing them around with the broom. Some of them know and try to hide when they hear the broom on the floor.
Not that I can read minds, by far not but I see the suffering in peoples faces, sometimes even some of their defilements. Oh, it is so much easier to see the defilements of somebody else rather than one’s own. Where to put the arising compassion? What to do with this love? Body and mind seem to burst sometimes.
I was told as a child every thing will be good every thing will be fine. And I’m still waiting fot the day to come. With the Buddha’s Dhamma I have at least a tool at hand which enables one who followes the instuctions to become free from suffering.
It’s not that I’m unhappy even when I experience almost nothing else but suffering presently. More than ever before I see the limitations of my mind, not able to let go what makes an “I” out of this body and mind. I see my will, the volition, standing in my way to liberation - and the one I have to overcome is strong!

in brief

2010-12-04T05:59:00.000-08:00

Yes, yes, yes. I’m alive, well, happy, Bhikkhuni, back to Thailand and on retreat agin.
Sorry for not writing earlier.
Now I’ll try to catch up in brief to the latest news. Which is not easy because the time was so full and rich that every hour was worth to be mentioned in (this unimportant) blog.
I remember mentioning Willis pancakes in one of the last posts I wrote.
Well, after that I got back to America, San Francisco. A friend of the Dhammadharini picked me up at the airport and took me straight to the forest where I had spent one day and night in April.
A large area of natural grown redwood forest on a hillside given to the Bhikkhuni Sangha by the wonderful person Jill, who her self lives on another part of the land. I found a spot to stay which was - in my opinion - the most beautiful spot. Meditation there was so great and easy …
Conditions were kind of rough. The facilities extremely basic but the spirit wonderful. On my second day I received Samaneri ordination and could finally make use of the robes Sirikarn gave me and I was carrying around since months. It was a simple but beautiful ceremony.
From the beginning on I felt rather bad, physically, after sitting and walking meditation for so long my muscles had degenerated. Every step one made was either up or down the hill, it took two weeks to build up some muscles again. And I had again stomach problems, different than in Thailand, but quite present pain, gases and diarrhea. I did mention sometimes that I feel like a wrack and needed a lot more sleep then usually but only in the end, I could go to see the doctor to and took some antibiotics to get rid of intestinal bacteria.
The prospect of being ordained as Bhikkhuni and the good meditation on the land made me forget the pains and hardships and I was very happy all the time. The ordination took place on the 29th of August and was an auspicious, marvelous, beautiful event. It felt so right, so right to finally take the ordination. The end of an inacceptable situation, which makes life much more complicated but gives it sense somehow. It was Americas first dual- ordination with all four parts of the fourfold assembly present. Bhikkhus, Bhikkhunis, lay men, lay women. Maybe I find a link to some pictures and to an article in the huffington post, if so I’ll publish it here. s
Bhante Gunaratana, who was the elder who gave us our first ovada after the ceremony said to me “And now do never disrobe again.” Yes, may I never disrobe! Still so much joy and gratefulness arises often when I become aware of being Bhikkhuni. It feels right.
After the ordination I had two weeks for personal retreat. Great time! Without the pain and diarrhea I would probably have levitated above the hillside out of joy. With the pains and so I at least had a very happy time sitting on my cushion.
It was good to come to know that women groups are not necessarily dominated by hormone driven disasters, hysteric attacks, endless chatter – which can turn 3 month in torture. No, this group, and after our ordination, this Sangha was harmonious, friendly, open and supportive. I was not the only one with health problems but nobody complained. There was too much work to do, no end to see and everybody wished to have more time for meditation – but that was just not possible.
Back in Thailand I was very well cared by Sirikarn who picked me up at the airport and cared for me for some days. With her help I could get from one place to another without breaking any rules …
I arrived at my former monastery on the Kathina day. The welcoming was very warm. Many, many people Mae Chiis, monks, lay people, rejoiced that I had become ordained. Ajahn gave me some time for rest, two day to be exact, then I started a retreat. It took about one month.
Now we tried to get a one year visa for me, no problem as Mae Chii to get one, but as Bhikkhuni I don’t get it because Bhikkhunis do not exist according to Thai law. They suggested I could disrobe … funny. What I can get are 3 months visas, as it seems, so I’ll try my luck with this and consider to travel to Sri Lanka and Australia.

ordination ...

2010-08-30T21:12:00.000-07:00

the wish to ordained as Bhikkhuni has ceased into a peaceful smile.

Germany

2010-07-22T02:09:00.000-07:00

the time I spend in Germany is flying by. Tomorrow I will head back to North California and spend my vassa, the rains retreat in a redwood forest Sonoma coast together with Bhikkhunis, Samaneris and lay women.

If you ever want to do a retreat in Germany, practicing mostly on your own, I would recommend the Anenja Vihara. (just write the name in google and you get to their web page in German or English)It is a small monastery for women in one of the most beautiful places of Germany. I met two Samaneris and two Bhikkhunis there, all very nice, friendly women keeping up strict monastic life. A little bit aside of the mainhouse is a caravan for men, so, dudes you are not excluded from this lovely spot. I hope to get there again one day and will meet the head of the vihara, who was on Tudong for some weeks when I came.

For now I just hope that I will be able to enter the USA without problems and will not be caught in customs for many hours as it happened last time. I have documents that show that I'm invited, that I have my roots somewhere else in, not in America and a ticket to leave the country on time, at the end of October to Thailand. A Thaiwoman whom I met last time will pick me up at the airport and bring me to the Vihara of the Bhikkhunis who together with friends prepared the forest site since months to become a suitable vassa retreat place. I followed their efforts online and feel ashamed that I was not there to help. But I have an incontrovertible excuse, US visa restrictions.

I will be offline with very few exceptions. In case of emergency please write to awakeningforest@gmail.com, messages will be forwarded. But of course I do hope nobody will need to send an emergency-message.

May you who reads this and all beings be happy and peaceful every moment. Love is there when you have it in your heart.

P.S.: As a farewell lunch my mother's friend Willi prepared the world's best apple and blueberry pancake today. Yesterday he made another of my favorite dishes, Reibekuchen ... Danke Willi!

western diseas

2010-07-16T06:23:00.000-07:00

Another phenomena of people living in households is to need to be the one who is right.
Yes, I was like that and I apologize if any victim of my former need to be right is reading this. What a hell. We are all getting older. End really comes into sight, we should make sure that we do good for others and to be with people who wants to do good for us as well.
But no! The contrary is the case.
Instead of creating an ambiance of peace and harmony where one cares for the pains and hardships of the others, for the well being of all, care is just focused on the fault of the others and on being right.
There is no sense in wanting to be right, having the last word, dominating the other, in biting and biting back. The seed of hatred is set with every word that is spoken by wanting to be right. That’s pure suffering.
Maybe it comes along with the pain …
When I started to write this blog I was the same, I remember post telling about monks behavior and there was the wanting to be right involved. It changed by the time - yet it's not gone it still arises in me but I can observe it and let it more and more often.
Now I write about people in my environment and feel I do it out of compassion. Is that so, Phalanyani? Even in this compassion that sometimes is unbearable strong there is a touch of "I know better". It upsets me a bit to see people act and speak hurting themselves and others. And sadness has it’s roots in anger or different said: it is arising because I have a disposition for anger and the wanting to be right eg. want the people to understand that developing peace and love is just more fun. Hence, I’m still creating unwholesome … If I were radiating peace and love people around me could see what fun that is.
So, excuse me everybody, there is work to do.

Meeting the past

2010-07-16T06:13:00.000-07:00

Now, again at my mother’s house I stay in the room that was my room for long. It is a little bit like a kuti, a small kuti though. It has a bed, a shelf and a heater. It is separated from the rest of the house through a small patio and originally was a storage for tools and stuff but I was very happy to have a room on my own and not to share with my sister. It’s not a perfect nun’s quarter but it is allowable because it is separate. As all things from childhood the room, too, looks smaller now than it did then.
To my big surprise the town has developed to its better. When the family moved here about 43 years ago the settlement was build on farmland in the middle of nowhere on the edge of a small village, some forest, some farms and a highway. The trees of the settlement are grown now some forest is still left. Not that I really like it – but it gained charm with the years.
It is very interesting meeting people, most are very friendly to me, although some stare. My mother’s spouse picked me up and brings me if I have something to do (like applying for a visa) he often cooks (very good), likes my dog and shares his food with it. By the way: It’s not my dog anymore, it clearly states that it want to be my mother’s dog.
I recognize some of the neighbors by hearing their voices but if I would meet them somewhere I would not know them. It quite a while since I came here last time … Only one, I will always recognize. She got older, has feeble health but she is as warm hearted and loving as she always was. Meeting her again after many, many years I wanted to tell her how much she means to me, how she changed my life, directed it into the good direction, how important she was etc. With a short, harsh “I know” she interrupted me and smiled in a way that almost made me cry. LOVE.
All people around me have strong pain, physical they say. It is really astonishing, everybody I meet here speaks of pain. Is it a new German phenomena??? I can’t help because my “accept it”, “breath into it”, ”just observe it and take it as what it is, a feeling” are not very popular. I’m very sorry and would love to be able to give relief from pain but can’t and don’t believe in healing powers other than the power of one’s own mind. But it is interesting to see how different people are dealing with their pain.
From lamenting, silent bearing, taking pills or drown the pain in alcohol every strategy is present. How lucky am I to have no pain (or just very little). There is no escape from it. All these strategies don’t work well, all just temporary solutions. How would I wish to tell all these people to focus on the pain to see through it and make peace with it.

lifes surprises

2010-06-21T08:17:00.000-07:00

After 2 years in Thailand I come to know that the relation between women and men are much easier here in Europe. It is a relief, to be honest.
I met my brother and family, friends, old neighbors had my feet in the ocean and a birthday retreat with a friend whom I know since long. We worked for the same company and she starts to discover Buddhism. What a joy to help her with this task.

journey

2010-06-15T05:17:00.000-07:00

I'm still on the journey, meeting friends and family, seeing places that I used to love and miss.
15 days ago I met my dog, I was concerned before that whatever might happen. In the end it turned out that it send clear signals that it likes my mother and wants to stay with her. For her it is very good as well to have it because she needs to walk.
A great detachment and disillusion took place. And a joy. Not that I love anybody or anything less than before, in contrary almost.
It is this compassion and love that makes the detachment so joyful.

It might happen that I can receive Bhikkhuni ordination in August. The option of ordaining in July is canceled so far, or better said postponed to next spring. August is another option. Not confirmed. But it is an option and I will go back to California for the vassa, where a ordination ceremony will take place in August. May I be one of those who receive ordination there and then.

2010-06-08T02:16:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving on a jetplane, don't know when I'll be back again

2010-05-30T20:11:00.000-07:00

tomorrow in the afternoon I will leave america.
It feels good. Although I loved to meet my family, was happy to make new friends and get to know some very nice nuns, it's time to go. I would prefer to go somewhere into solitude, a retreat would be good. But it's not on the list yet.
Next step Duesseldorf. Seeing my mom and "my" dog again after two years. I will not arrive in a easy, pleasant situation there, thus I know already, but - it could be worse, i guess. Mom is happy to have me back and although she is not in good conditions she sounded strong when I talked to her this morning.
The farewell from Ajaan was short. He didn't look at me and didn't say much, two words if I hadn't asked for a blessing.
:o)
Anyway, he may have his reasons which I don't understand. May he not have any problem with me or anything / anybody else, may he remember me as a loyal friend and succeed in his strive to get a meditation center. It seems that I can't help him and then I wont.
I'll go my way and do deeply hope that the postponement of the ordination will somehow be canceled and that there will be an ordination for me before this vassa.

hehehe :o)))))
perception ... :o) it really works in a funny way and men's perceptions are genuinely working different than women's. :o)
A man had thought I'm in love with him. Even if this man would match in age and anything else, which is not the case and even if he would be attractive, which he is not (ok,ok, that's relative, subject to personal tastes and views) - I'm a nun and happy menopausing.
We were talking about it the other day with some women (the menopause, not the man)... sexual interest has just gone and that's perfect, well at least for the nun, for others it causes some problems once in a while.
I have come to the conclusion that some men have just too much self esteem and are overvaluing their potential of attraction to women.
None the less, I love you guys, 'unerotic', unconditioned, as the beings that you are. :o)

a blessing

2010-05-27T13:50:00.000-07:00

here is suppose to be a link don't know if it works it shall lead to a blessing
http://www.4shared.com/audio/dwvvNYML/culla-mangala-cakka-vala.html

first try to publish 'taking refuge'

2010-05-27T12:47:00.000-07:00

http://www.4shared.com/file/ZD_8cRqS/Triple_Gem.html

http://www.4shared.com/file/80KJVxQ3/taking_refuge.html

recorded blessing

2010-05-26T18:18:00.001-07:00

today I found out how to record with my computer. Wanted to send a blessing and the going for refuge to the triple gem for the soon coming Vesakh day (28.5. this year) ... now I just have to figure out how to add an mp3 file to the blog :o)

postponed ...

2010-05-25T20:09:00.000-07:00

As I said in the comments the seed is planted but one does not know when toreaping the fruit …
Yesterday I went with the woman I’m staying with to the Bhikkhunis here in Los Angeles to say good bye and to talk about ordination in July.
I don’t want to claim that I have the supernatural power of seeing into the future but since quite a while I had the impression that ordination will not be in July – and right! It will not be in July. It might be at any time from July this year until end of vassa next year. I will receive notice some months in advance. December was mentioned …
I was cool yesterday but it was hard to keep. We went to meet Ajaan after seeing the Bhikkhunis and I would have started crying if I had talked about it. It’s not that I’m upset all times, but quite a lot of upset moments are coming up.
Then I can really wait until next year after the vassa, until Ajaan can take part.
In the end it’s important to give up desire and to become free from suffering. I wasted half a year running after something, the ordination, I will receive it, just not when I want it. Often when my mind was unquiet searching for a place to ordain, thinking about the unfairness of the treatment of women when it comes to ordination etc. etc. I knew deep down that I’m wasting time by concentrating on something that does not lead to freedom from suffering, so on something off topic.
I will continue keeping the 311 rules even when not ordained. It’s more important to be at peace and to work on the final goal, enlightenment than having the title Bhikkhuni. *sigh* It’s easier written then done. Patience, Phalanyani.
See if he will receive his meditation center finally and if then I’ll be invited to be there. It seems quite sure that I will not come back to America for the vassa, unless there is a meditation center, which now is most uncertain. To go for the vassa and then leave again is just too expensive.
(I do, of course, consider in a hidden nook of mind to go for the secret ordination and then just stay in the forest in Thailand somewhere, but there are some obstacles, like putting those monks who do it to go to jail for an ordination that will probably not be accepted by anyone, obtaining a Thai visa once mine expires …)
Thanks, guys, for mental support, the agony goes on but I will try not to be in agony any more.

same old question agin

2010-05-20T19:53:00.000-07:00

Still I am at the lay peoples house and the best is, they are as happy to have me as visitor as i'm to be their guest. She told me that she was afraid and worried before I came, how it will be to host a nun. Yesterday she asked if I could extend my stay ...
The best is, she has a lot of questions about meditation and I can give her answers. The man i hardly meet, and I never spoke with him.
Day before yesterday I finished sewing the bhikkhuni vest so that I have now one entire st of robes complete. After finishing sewing I started to learn pali, second lesson today, it's easier that Thai.
I can meditate a lot but my concentration is not strong these days. Lots of thoughts are swirling through the mind.
Yesterday I met Ajaan, again I asked about Bhikkhuni ordination. He lately changed his mind and tells me I cannot stay with him as my teacher after ordination. asked if I can stay with him if I wait until he can do the ordination and then ordain with him, he said: "that's possible"? asked if I could until then continue to keep the Bhikkhuni rules he said: "if you do not claim to be a Bhikkhuni" asked if I could come back when ordained as Bhikkhuni with someone else he answered: after 5 years." "After two years, then, it's two years for Bhikkhunis to stay with their preceptor" I said.
The situation is difficult, there is presently no place for me, there is just no room, and if or when the situation will change is most uncertain.
So I was thinking last night what to do ... Give up every further try to receive ordination and hope that in one and a half year, when Ajaan is ready to ordain, that he until then didn't change his mind and still is willing to give me ordination and that the situation with the meditation center will be better and there will be room for me to stay.
Or just go for ordination whenever with whomever it will be given and forget about Ajaan.

Not an easy question.
I'm open for input.

L.A.

2010-05-13T19:55:00.000-07:00

I'm back in L.A. The climate is much more convenient, warm at night, sooo good.
Not that I want to complain about the shed in my sisters garden. It's lovely. Just the climate was not that one would enjoy a breeze through the cracks or a little shower of fresh rain water upon the pillow. It shouldn't have been windy or rainy at this time of the year and I hope for those who will stay in the shed, now that I'm gone, that it will be a bit warmer.
Here I stay in the house of some lay people, a Thai couple. They've put two extra doors to separate "my" part from the rest of the house, to make the room situation more proper. So nice of them. Now I have two rooms, a sleeping- and a meditation room full of Buddha and monk statues and a huge bathroom. What a luxurious live. It's quiet and as I found out today very good for meditation. I feel grateful and fortunate.

the story of the little one

2010-05-09T10:06:00.000-07:00

long time back, humankind was not jet developed, a small creature lived in a place that is now known as Europe, in a cave in mountains that many millenniums later would be called the Alps.
The creature was, without her having knowledge of it, a female being, a young one. She was hairy but not as hairy as an ape. She was able to walk on two legs but sometimes it was comfortable to support walking with the long arms, when they were not used to carry or do something.
Although she didn’t know to count days or years and couldn’t tell her age (or was aware that something like ageing existed), she knew that there was someone living before her. Two creatures who cared for her, fed her, then showed how to find food herself, how to find shelter. Both creatures were taller than she herself but she was getting taller, as well. There were other creatures around, similar to her and to the taller ones, all living in a big cave. Some of the taller ones went away regularly to get other creatures, different ones, who were there for eating and for keeping warm. Some creatures, those tiny ones, were funny to watch, some creeping, some wiggling, some moving through the air. In the end it was all about finding out which of all these creatures were easy to catch and good to eat.
By the time she had noticed a changes, sometimes it was cold, dark and ugly and everything was covered with white, for a long time, or it was muddy and it was very difficult to find enough food. Then it got warmer and more pleasant very slowly, green sprouts and roots and moving food in abundance, then it got dry and warm and water was sometimes little and then all green disappeared. Most times it was cold, although she could not tell it was.
And there was another change she noticed, a quick change between light and darkness, warmer and colder, the dark was full of weird sounds although most tall creatures seem to be sleeping. The bright light sounds were friendlier, more familiar than those of the dark. Sometimes she watched the light dots above her but had no idea what it was or what or why the dark was.
When watching the moving things move, or the green things grow out of themselves or the light spots above her or when others came after some time with new food, she had feelings although she had now words for it. She couldn’t share with the others what was going on, not only because there were no words but as well because the others were busy getting food.
There was something inside her, moving, always, sometimes faster, sometimes slow, sometimes it seemed to jump out of her, in occasions. She had seen this in the others as well, there was always something moving, like they were full of this moving creatures they were eating. She was wandering what was inside of her. Was it the same like those beings that they caught and ate?
She had learned that there were dangers, that was when everybody’s insides were moving quickly but they hid and kept quiet. She understood that she, too, is food for others. She also had learned that some of the taller ones stared smelling stronger and losing the red liquid, at that time others of the taller ones were more aggressive and always around the bleeding ones attacking those who wanted to come closer. She had none of it, not the bleeding nor the being around aggressively - and was very happy about it.
Once it happened that 3 of the tall ones didn’t come back with food, among them was one of her caretakers. Others went to find food.
They had to eat a lot of green in the meantime. Suddenly, after eating, some of the others, tall ones and small ones, could not get up anymore, they were winding and whimpering, bad smelling liquid came out of their bodies and then they didn’t move anymore.
Only three bleeding tall ones and some short ones were left, when unknown walking-on-to-legs-creatures came into the cave. She, the little one, was in the back of the cave, not seen, hidden by a rock. She heard screaming, growling, beating, she smelled the red liquid and a smell that she knew from fear. She had fear, immensely. After a while all sounds ceased and she dared to look over the rock. She was alone …
After some getting bright and darks the smell in the cave was unbearable - the ones who had eaten the green didn’t get up or moved, they had changed color and looked like left-over-food when it was not eatable anymore - and she had not eaten for some time, so she left the cave. While she was looking for some green to eat, always looking out for unknown ones and carefully choosing only the green that she knew, she saw one of the tall ones she knew coming back from far.
No one else was coming back, but he had at least some food with him. The creature he brought had a back shield. She took it, cleaned it and managed to fasten it on her back. She felt strong and protected with it.
They left the cave and moved higher up on the mountain where they found another cave, good protected and not easy to find, right behind a cliff above a deep abyss. Here it was more cold and less food but enough for them to survive.
It was a perfect place to live, once other creatures came close to the cave and when they were on the cliff above the abyss, her caretaker just pushed them down the abyss and they never came back and he expressed his victory and triumph with roaring sounds wild gestures. That happened quite sometimes.
One day the tall one came to her, with a look and a smell she knew from the aggressive tall ones when they rub over the other tall ones that were bleeding. He came over her and suddenly she felt incredible pain. She screamed and wanted to get away, he forced her down and stared rubbing. She felt pain and fear and hatred. She was bleeding between the legs. Now she would be like those who were bleeding sometimes. She didn’t like that.
It was a cold white time, and he was about to go and get some food, without hesitation she came after him and pushed him over the cliff. She didn’t want him to rub over her again and she knew that he wouldn’t not come back anymore, once over the cliff. She felt strong, victory, triumph!
Only at getting dark outside she noticed that she was alone now. And becoming hungry, she noticed she had no more food. With next daylight she went out but could not find any green at all. She felt a fear creeping up within her stronger than she ever felt before. It was cold alone, and hunger weakened the body. Next day she walked further but found no green food. At night she couldn’t sleep of fear and hunger and she tried to get deeper in her back shield that had become smaller somehow. She tried to eat the cold white. It helped just very little and she was shivering of cold. She decided to go down and find the others in the old cave, they must be back.
She found the cave and approached carefully. It smelled different than when they had left. No sounds! - but they must have come back, the cave was not abandoned. She tried to find some green food, slowly without making noise and then headed back to the cave. When she heard sound from afar she ran into the cave without hesitation and hid behind the rock as she did earlier in danger. The face as much into the corner, crouched, with the back shield to the open, though, not visible until someone would come into this corner of the cave. She heard her heart beating loud in her ears and tried not to breathe although she seemed to need more breath than usually. She heard the sounds of the others coming closer, the sounds were not familiar. Someone else took over the cave.
She remained unmoved in the corner for hours, just listening to the unknown sounds and to her heartbeat. Fear, fear. No way out! Trapped! She wanted to see who had come to live in “her” cave but didn’t dare. A single sound or movement could reveal her presence.
She was hungry, thirsty and weak, highly concentrated not to move and to control her breath. The entire day and night. First it was pain all over not to move, now she couldn’t feel her body anymore.
Her inner made noises, she couldn’t control that. Then she heard someone coming closer, then she felt something cold or hot, not possible to distinguish, then it felt hot all over or cold, a light flashed inside her and then perception stopped.

carmel again

2010-05-04T19:57:00.000-07:00

back at my sisters, it's warmer now, think I will not get a cold on the kidneys again while sleeping in the shed and the itch-pimple-desease that the Bhikkhuni and I caught when we were in the forest is gone. Strange that I got sick so often here in the US. Anyway health is back and I have 3 and a half weeks left to stay in America.
Short before leaving the Bhikkhunis I was told that I have their support for my Bhikkhuni ordination. I was very touched, HAPPY!

thinking

2010-05-02T14:55:00.000-07:00

It feels as if it would be time for the next intensive retreat. But the situation is just not favorable for it. After reading a lot Dhamma, living with the sisters, staying at my sister's, going to the forest etc.etc. I would like to retire from samsara. What have I lost here? Is there any importance to leave the room or the meditation cushion as long as one is not yet enlightened? No, not really.
But I'm on the go. Tomorrow my brother in law will pick me up and I will again stay for some days with my sister and her family.
After that? It was planned I'll be back in L.A. beginning of May to help prepare and then attend the Ajaans birthday which is on ninth of May. But presently I'm not sure at all, if I go back there. I came to help establish a meditation center which unfortunately will not be done so fast. Instead I met an Ajaan who didn't seem to welcome or need me and a secretary who didn't want me and convinced some of those who treated me equal to a monk not to do so anymore. hmmm.
No, not angry, I see that it is not the moment yet to have that center, I saw it's potential arising and ceasing and understand the causes. no reason for anger. But going to where I'm not welcome ...? Of course, a lot of money was spent to get me there, to meet the Ajaan. Stay in a situation that makes unwholesome thoughts and anger arise in a person? Disliking, disliking, disl ... but I should stay with my preceptor, if I or others like it or not. It's my obligation.
Last night i spent one hour turning on my mat, thinking the cause back and forth until I finally remembered that I'm a strong meditator and should not have my mind go astray in wild thoughts about past and future happenings or places I want or not want to be, but just wait and see what will happen. All I know is that I will not fight for any position as for example to be a secretary instead of the secretary nor will I break any of the rules to appear more aimable and helpful. I can't do a chore for laypeople and if a lay asks me to serve the monks and clean, i can't do that. Anyway, after watching two risings and fallings of the abdomen I fell deeply asleep.
In the end, I have to go to L.A. because I will leave from there to Germany on 31. of May. I still could go to see the nun in South Carolina but I have no sponsor for that anymore, she had to recall her offer.

Ajaan, mentioned now 3 times he could give me ordination when the time comes, (in 1 1/2 years), I should more deeply consider if this could be an option.

a remainder

2010-04-28T10:38:00.000-07:00

Don't wait until everything is perfect to be happy, but accept imperfections, shortcomings and hardships. Happiness is to be found beyond that, within the persent, not in perfect conditions.

It seems that some of us who went to the forest last weekend come back with a cold. Does that make the forest less beautiful? or the joy of being there less experienced? No, certainly not. It is the time for resting now ...

I didn't mention, that I share the meditation room here with another woman, means, I share the sleeping place with another person and even throughout the day we spend a lot of time both in the same room. Not a single sighn of panic arose, when it occured to me that I will have to share room nor am I bothered in any way by sharing it, My sleep is deep and calm. Not long ago I would have had panic, anger, aversion against a person who has no aversion towards me, I would most probably have just left the place finding an excuse eventually. But I'm just fine.
Not that I am a friend of room sharing now but I notice happily that I really did overcome this neurosis, with a lot of gratitude for the Buddha and his Dhamma. Meditation changes ...

redwoods

2010-04-26T17:22:00.000-07:00

since some days i stay in north california with a Bhikkhuni and a Samaneri. Short a while after my arrival a laywoman who wants to ordain one day came here. We spend some harmonic days together in the town residence. For the weekend we went further north to the redwood forest. wonderful land, redwood trees in the montains at the coast. there is a future Bhikkhuni training center, some people have cabins or caravans hidden in the forest. We were invited to stay in the cabin of one of the Bhikkhuni's friends. It was a beautiful cabin on a beautiful spot. a little cold, though but we had warm sleepingbags.
The next day we went to visit to another place, where some people who want to ordain want to donate their place. a marvellous place in a valley a little further away from the coast. They have a very good ready to use center, with rooms for guests, meditation hall, etc, etc.. but those who will receive this center as a donation will have to have strong supporters o/and managers have to organize a lot of retreats ...
Well, it was a good place to dream about having a meditation center in the forest.
see if I'm fortunate enough to get there again.

going on

2010-04-23T18:48:00.000-07:00

well, yes, ok, grace and the others I'll continue writing ...
although there is not much to say these days. I am staying with a Bhikkhuni, a Samaneri and a laywoman. The place is small but nice, people are nice, can meditate moderate but very peaceful.
evtl. we go to stay in a forest for some days tomorrow.

am reading the Kevatta sutta on acesstoinsight.com like it very much. just give "Kevatta sutta" in googel, if you are interested in reading.

2010-04-19T16:38:00.000-07:00

still at my sisters.
face is sunburned from the last walks at the beach and reading outside.
was chatting and skyping with friends the last days.
had some kidney problems, am taking antibiotics and drink lots of teas or hot water, it's already ok again but have to finish the treatment. It's really heavy and influencing my mind. For some hours after taking the medicine I'm drowsy and dull.
I didn't meditate much these days.

Tomorrow I'll go and see a Bhikkhuni with whom I'm in e-mail contact since last summer.

Last couple of day's I received e-mails of concerned friends. Thank you for your concern and your caring thoughts. Here is actually not much to worry about. I'm fine, thinking more than necessary, too much, though. Not only sadness or thoughts of disrobing arose, as well peace, being happy to be a nun and so on ...
mind is unstable, thoughts are coming and going, I watch them and write the most significant down, not thinking that any of you friends may worry. I probably should not write all this, knowing that some of you worry, but since this is still my diary, ...
But obviously what I write sounds, when you read it, much more serious then it is in reality.

at my sister's

2010-04-10T20:50:00.001-07:00

a shed in the Garden, equipped with a futon bed. Brother in law made it himself with some friends. It has chinks and holes everywhere and the wind is blowing trough but it's nice and with 3 blankets it's warm enough. Was the presidential suit now it’s the nun’s refuge.
My sister and brother in law are really cute and try their best to help me keep my rules. Not that they were really interested in Buddhism or rules for nuns, but they offer food - without them kneeling down, without a blessing in Pali, but with all their love and my good wishes for them. Interestingly my brother in law is the foremost in offering.
My dear sister "warned" some of the neighbors that I might come around with my alms bowl. But as I'm not thinking of settling here I don't do so.
They live in 5 minutes driving distance from some beaches so we went for a walk on a beach yesterday and today through town to another one. People here are open and do not stare at me as they do in L.A., some smiled friendly and one said namaste and nodded. We were looking for fitting shoes and found some perfect nuns shoes on sales - 90 Dollar, they remained in the shop. My sister does not allow flip flops and wants a good quality shoe that fits in size for the nun.
The first time since 1 year and 9 months without Thai people and monastery around. I'm keeping rules while trying to get to know my family which I haven’t met for over 10 years, which in case of the kids makes an immense difference, the nice was just born when I saw her last, now she is a young lady. No ambition of taking part in "worldly" life arises, I observe it, observe interrelation, interaction feel much love but no desire to live sch a life myself.
Although I'm considering to just disrobe instead of becoming Bhikkhuni. I'm soooo tired of this monastery circus. Sooo tiered of being measured and scaled, being put in the Mae Chii box, pressed in the female role. I was not suffering of being female for many years, now I do. In samsara one is expecting to face jealous companions, envious "friends", backbiting, lying, hearing rumors about oneself etc. and I became a nun to get away from this. (I didn’t mention that I heard rumors that I own a car and were driving out of the monastery with it every day, and that I told the monks the could call me Pi Maha, whatever that is, something whith what I wanted me to put over the monks.)
Now suffering is arising because I'm still defiled and attached, but that's how it is, how “I” am.
There are two options, two ways of giving up: to try to get rid of it, to escape from it by following the wanting for sense pleasures or to become an Arahant and get over it. I try to change it by meditating a lot, but it seems as if my paramis are not strong and balanced enough to get over a certain point, I come to see my shortcomings, my faults and mistakes, the worlds unsatisfactoryness and uncontrollability see and experience suffering up to a point where I have the impression “I can not endure this anymore”. Sometime tears are falling but mostly I’m smiling somehowand don’t feel really unhappy, just that I can’t endure this all any longer. And then I escape into stupid thoughts, fill the brilliant open wide with mundane affairs.
The attachment to wanting is deeply rooted in this mind, so subtle (and gross, as well of course). It drives me mad that I can't get over it.
Of course there are moments of wonderful bliss of a kind that I did not know before, but the defilements and attachments are not to oversee. Sensitivity and compassion are there in a huge amount (and I always had both more then I wanted) but there is no defense or counterbalance. Today I saw a bird with an injured leg, so it could hop just on one and my stomach was cramping because I felt the bird’s pain.
“Close the sense doors”, was I told. One of the best advices ever, no doubt. “Develop paramis” said someone else. Inevitable on the path to enlightenment, for sure. Only I still do not know how to manage both. When I try to close sense doors, the mind turn numb, cold and unattached, there is no parami. When there are the paramis, the sense doors are wide open and I’m extremely vulnerable and suffer from the world’s suffering. That may be so because I could not develop enough patience and wisdom and that may be so because I’m not mindful enough on the present moment.
If I really would disrobe now, I would be a mental and emotional wrack for long, torn back and forth between arroganz and fear on one side and (misled) love, (rigid) moral shame and (overreacting) compassion on the other – both as result of half-knowledge. There is no other way, Phalanyani, go to your cushion, and then eyes shut and go through.

being female

2010-04-10T17:22:00.000-07:00

at the new place, in this quiet environment politics were going on.
The secretary, when we were still at the Temple, dropped at one of the first days a comment by the way how much work she has and that the former woman that the Ajaan brought helped in the kitchen, and that now she had to do the work in the kitchen all alone.. It was said in a way that I understood clearly that she ment: "go to the kitchen and help".
for some reasons I didn't do so. As I eat almsfood myself, it doesn't seem proper to me to prepare any food, also I cannot serve monks and I'm not supposed to do chores for householders, according to the rules.
For her it was quite clear, "she is just a Mae Chii and Mae Chii's are supposed to work in the kitchen". When we went on alms round it was very hard for her to bow or kneel down giving food to me. She had the same problem that I have with certain monks when it comes to prostrate to them, it's like having swallowed a broomstick, the back doesn't want to bend.
She brought up the discussion, why I cannot serve myself with drinks, the Ajaan's attendant asked me later, because I keep the 311 Bhikkhuni rules and even if i were a Mae Chii, I were not allowed to take what is not given, that's why."
The attendant was superupset and worried and confirmed that he is standing there, backing me up.
When we moved to the new house I brought my luggage to a room downstairs, no window, not to lock, but anyway, I thought, it's just for some day's, so what. Then a nice old lady, which seemed to like me from the beginning, told me to take the perfect room, which I mentioned earlier. The perfect nuns room. I felt so sorry to take it because I thought it will come to trouble if I stay in there, but there was no way to talk with somebody to change it.
Two day's later the secretary saw me in this room and I heard her asking the attendant in Thai: "why does she stay in this room?". A day later there must have been a disscussion among the people again. The attendant bowed and prostrated when he gave me something to drink. "You don't need to do that", I said. Yes, but I respect you, he answered extra loud.
The next day a lot of people came to visit. It was the birthday of one of the women. After I received my alms food some people prostrated 3 times at my feet, the secretary stared at it in anger and tried to pull me away on my arm. instead of following her right away I stretched my arm out and waited until they finished prostrating, otherwise I would have been very impolite. I came out and wanted to clean my bowl and things I used, someone took it and said,"I'll take care of it." A woman came running to me and yelled: "Oh, when you did the blessing, I was so moved, you convinced me, I want to be like you, I want to be Mae Chii". After a second of hesitation she flung her arms around my neck. I asked her: "So, when will you ordain?" "Not yet, but I will, she was close to tears.
Then we went to see Ajaan. After a while she decided it was time to finish the visit and told everybody to prostrate. I didn't join in. Then one girl, whom I met only once before, folded her hands before her chest and said: "Krap Mae Chii", Prostrate to the nun". Some more then the half of the women did, the others didn't. I found it exaggerated and was happy that I said earlier that people don't have to prostrate to me.
Some people seemed to need to talk to Ajaan, so i decided not to stay and ask my questions, prostrated and went off.
Next day, which was my last but one day at the house before I went to my sister's, the nice old Lady told a woman not to kneel down when I give my blessing, she looked irritated, and the Lady explained in Thai that I'm not a monk. Same happened the last day, she told the attendant not to kneel. He brought a try with food to my room and prostrated and if it would have been possible he would have crept under the carpet, concerned and sorry as he was. "It's ok, I'm fine", I said. He could not look at me when he walked out.
Ajaan mentioned that I will have to stay in another place than the perfect nuns room in the quiet place, it might be needed for meditators. (Someone told me before that, the secretary will come and stay in that room beginning of May, so I was prepared to hear I can't stay.) But another solution is found and I could do all the visits that I wanted to do which would be just fine, I could go to Germany earlier or back to Thailand or whatever, I don't care so much to be honest. I hope to stay at a place where i will be accepted.
What knocked me off for quite some hours was that he suddenly said that I should stay with those people who ordain me if I go to get full ordination with someone. That's back to the beginning. I have to consider ...

hans in luck, Grimm brothers

2010-04-07T08:13:00.000-07:00

please enjoy the most favored fairy tale of my childhood:

Some men are born to good luck: all they do or try to do comes right– all that falls to them is so much gain–all their geese are swans–all their cards are trumps–toss them which way you will, they will always, like poor puss, alight upon their legs, and only move on so much the faster. The world may very likely not always think of them as they think of themselves, but what care they for the world? what can it know about the matter?

One of these lucky beings was neighbour Hans. Seven long years he had worked hard for his master. At last he said, ’Master, my time is up; I must go home and see my poor mother once more: so pray pay me my wages and let me go.’ And the master said, ’You have been a faithful and good servant, Hans, so your pay shall be handsome.’ Then he gave him a lump of silver as big as his head.

Hans took out his pocket-handkerchief, put the piece of silver into it, threw it over his shoulder, and jogged off on his road homewards. As he went lazily on, dragging one foot after another, a man came in sight, trotting gaily along on a capital horse. ’Ah!’ said Hans aloud, ’what a fine thing it is to ride on horseback! There he sits as easy and happy as if he was at home, in the chair by his fireside; he trips against no stones, saves shoe-leather, and gets on he hardly knows how.’ Hans did not speak so softly but the horseman heard it all, and said, ’Well, friend, why do you go on foot then?’ ’Ah!’ said he, ’I have this load to carry: to be sure it is silver, but it is so heavy that I can’t hold up my head, and you must know it hurts my shoulder sadly.’ ’What do you say of making an exchange?’ said the horseman. ’I will give you my horse, and you shall give me the silver; which will save you a great deal of trouble in carrying such a heavy load about with you.’ ’With all my heart,’ said Hans: ’but as you are so kind to me, I must tell you one thing–you will have a weary task to draw that silver about with you.’ However, the horseman got off, took the silver, helped Hans up, gave him the bridle into one hand and the whip into the other, and said, ’When you want to go very fast, smack your lips loudly together, and cry “Jip!"’

Hans was delighted as he sat on the horse, drew himself up, squared his elbows, turned out his toes, cracked his whip, and rode merrily off, one minute whistling a merry tune, and another singing,

’No care and no sorrow,
A fig for the morrow!
We’ll laugh and be merry,
Sing neigh down derry!’

After a time he thought he should like to go a little faster, so he smacked his lips and cried ’Jip!’ Away went the horse full gallop; and before Hans knew what he was about, he was thrown off, and lay on his back by the road-side. His horse would have ran off, if a shepherd who was coming by, driving a cow, had not stopped it. Hans soon came to himself, and got upon his legs again, sadly vexed, and said to the shepherd, ’This riding is no joke, when a man has the luck to get upon a beast like this that stumbles and flings him off as if it would break his neck. However, I’m off now once for all: I like your cow now a great deal better than this smart beast that played me this trick, and has spoiled my best coat, you see, in this puddle; which, by the by, smells not very like a nosegay. One can walk along at one’s leisure behind that cow–keep good company, and have milk, butter, and cheese, every day, into the bargain. What would I give to have such a prize!’ ’Well,’ said the shepherd, ’if you are so fond of her, I will change my cow for your horse; I like to do good to my neighbours, even though I lose by it myself.’ ’Done!’ said Hans, merrily. ’What a noble heart that good man has!’ thought he. Then the shepherd jumped upon the horse, wished Hans and the cow good morning, and away he rode.

Hans brushed his coat, wiped his face and hands, rested a while, and then drove off his cow quietly, and thought his bargain a very lucky one. ’If I have only a piece of bread (and I certainly shall always be able to get that), I can, whenever I like, eat my butter and cheese with it; and when I am thirsty I can milk my cow and drink the milk: and what can I wish for more?’ When he came to an inn, he halted, ate up all his bread, and gave away his last penny for a glass of beer. When he had rested himself he set off again, driving his cow towards his mother’s village. But the heat grew greater as soon as noon came on, till at last, as he found himself on a wide heath that would take him more than an hour to cross, he began to be so hot and parched that his tongue clave to the roof of his mouth. ’I can find a cure for this,’ thought he; ’now I will milk my cow and quench my thirst’: so he tied her to the stump of a tree, and held his leathern cap to milk into; but not a drop was to be had. Who would have thought that this cow, which was to bring him milk and butter and cheese, was all that time utterly dry? Hans had not thought of looking to that.

While he was trying his luck in milking, and managing the matter very clumsily, the uneasy beast began to think him very troublesome; and at last gave him such a kick on the head as knocked him down; and there he lay a long while senseless. Luckily a butcher soon came by, driving a pig in a wheelbarrow. ’What is the matter with you, my man?’ said the butcher, as he helped him up. Hans told him what had happened, how he was dry, and wanted to milk his cow, but found the cow was dry too. Then the butcher gave him a flask of ale, saying, ’There, drink and refresh yourself; your cow will give you no milk: don’t you see she is an old beast, good for nothing but the slaughter-house?’ ’Alas, alas!’ said Hans, ’who would have thought it? What a shame to take my horse, and give me only a dry cow! If I kill her, what will she be good for? I hate cow-beef; it is not tender enough for me. If it were a pig now –like that fat gentleman you are driving along at his ease–one could do something with it; it would at any rate make sausages.’ ’Well,’ said the butcher, ’I don’t like to say no, when one is asked to do a kind, neighbourly thing. To please you I will change, and give you my fine fat pig for the cow.’ ’Heaven reward you for your kindness and self-denial!’ said Hans, as he gave the butcher the cow; and taking the pig off the wheel-barrow, drove it away, holding it by the string that was tied to its leg.

So on he jogged, and all seemed now to go right with him: he had met with some misfortunes, to be sure; but he was now well repaid for all. How could it be otherwise with such a travelling companion as he had at last got?

The next man he met was a countryman carrying a fine white goose. The countryman stopped to ask what was o’clock; this led to further chat; and Hans told him all his luck, how he had so many good bargains, and how all the world went gay and smiling with him. The countryman than began to tell his tale, and said he was going to take the goose to a christening. ’Feel,’ said he, ’how heavy it is, and yet it is only eight weeks old. Whoever roasts and eats it will find plenty of fat upon it, it has lived so well!’ ’You’re right,’ said Hans, as he weighed it in his hand; ’but if you talk of fat, my pig is no trifle.’ Meantime the countryman began to look grave, and shook his head. ’Hark ye!’ said he, ’my worthy friend, you seem a good sort of fellow, so I can’t help doing you a kind turn. Your pig may get you into a scrape. In the village I just came from, the squire has had a pig stolen out of his sty. I was dreadfully afraid when I saw you that you had got the squire’s pig. If you have, and they catch you, it will be a bad job for you. The least they will do will be to throw you into the horse-pond. Can you swim?’

Poor Hans was sadly frightened. ’Good man,’ cried he, ’pray get me out of this scrape. I know nothing of where the pig was either bred or born; but he may have been the squire’s for aught I can tell: you know this country better than I do, take my pig and give me the goose.’ ’I ought to have something into the bargain,’ said the countryman; ’give a fat goose for a pig, indeed! ’Tis not everyone would do so much for you as that. However, I will not be hard upon you, as you are in trouble.’ Then he took the string in his hand, and drove off the pig by a side path; while Hans went on the way homewards free from care. ’After all,’ thought he, ’that chap is pretty well taken in. I don’t care whose pig it is, but wherever it came from it has been a very good friend to me. I have much the best of the bargain. First there will be a capital roast; then the fat will find me in goose-grease for six months; and then there are all the beautiful white feathers. I will put them into my pillow, and then I am sure I shall sleep soundly without rocking. How happy my mother will be! Talk of a pig, indeed! Give me a fine fat goose.’

As he came to the next village, he saw a scissor-grinder with his wheel, working and singing,

’O’er hill and o’er dale
So happy I roam,
Work light and live well,
All the world is my home;
Then who so blythe, so merry as I?’

Hans stood looking on for a while, and at last said, ’You must be well off, master grinder! you seem so happy at your work.’ ’Yes,’ said the other, ’mine is a golden trade; a good grinder never puts his hand into his pocket without finding money in it–but where did you get that beautiful goose?’ ’I did not buy it, I gave a pig for it.’ ’And where did you get the pig?’ ’I gave a cow for it.’ ’And the cow?’ ’I gave a horse for it.’ ’And the horse?’ ’I gave a lump of silver as big as my head for it.’ ’And the silver?’ ’Oh! I worked hard for that seven long years.’ ’You have thriven well in the world hitherto,’ said the grinder, ’now if you could find money in your pocket whenever you put your hand in it, your fortune would be made.’ ’Very true: but how is that to be managed?’ ’How? Why, you must turn grinder like myself,’ said the other; ’you only want a grindstone; the rest will come of itself. Here is one that is but little the worse for wear: I would not ask more than the value of your goose for it–will you buy?’ ’How can you ask?’ said Hans; ’I should be the happiest man in the world, if I could have money whenever I put my hand in my pocket: what could I want more? there’s the goose.’ ’Now,’ said the grinder, as he gave him a common rough stone that lay by his side, ’this is a most capital stone; do but work it well enough, and you can make an old nail cut with it.’

Hans took the stone, and went his way with a light heart: his eyes sparkled for joy, and he said to himself, ’Surely I must have been born in a lucky hour; everything I could want or wish for comes of itself. People are so kind; they seem really to think I do them a favour in letting them make me rich, and giving me good bargains.’

Meantime he began to be tired, and hungry too, for he had given away his last penny in his joy at getting the cow.

At last he could go no farther, for the stone tired him sadly: and he dragged himself to the side of a river, that he might take a drink of water, and rest a while. So he laid the stone carefully by his side on the bank: but, as he stooped down to drink, he forgot it, pushed it a little, and down it rolled, plump into the stream.

For a while he watched it sinking in the deep clear water; then sprang up and danced for joy, and again fell upon his knees and thanked Heaven, with tears in his eyes, for its kindness in taking away his only plague, the ugly heavy stone.

’How happy am I!’ cried he; ’nobody was ever so lucky as I.’ Then up he got with a light heart, free from all his troubles, and walked on till he reached his mother’s house, and told her how very easy the road to good luck was.

ehi Bhikkhuni

2010-04-06T11:58:00.000-07:00

short before i left Thailand something important happened which i didn't wrote down so far. but it is one of the most important things in this life, eventually, so it should be journaled here.
A person that i respect, Bhikkhuni since long, was sitting in front of me, watched straight into my eyes while we were talking about Buddhism, monks, nuns, my aspiration to be Bhikkhuni. Almost by the way but very pointed she suddenly said: "Ehi Bhikkhuni". I nodded, she closed and opened her eyelids.
This, for me, was enough to feel ordained to feel committed. I thought of wearing my Bhikkhuni robes from then on, which i already had at that time, but decided not to do so and keep wearing the old mae chii clothes out of respect for those nuns and monks who might find this an invalid ordination and might feel offended and might feel the need to fight against. I can wait to wear the proper robes until the formal act is done, may that be possible in july.

no matter what!

2010-04-06T08:56:00.000-07:00

a few days ago i noticed in walking meditation that the right foot is placed in an different angle than the left one and that this makes walking kind of imbalanced, although it seems i walk and sit quite upright, this is not the case. So I tried to mindfully correct the difference and walk with more equal steps. As a result new pain arouse. I know by now that when in sitting or walking changes in the common position are made it takes 3 - 5 days of strong pain, then the pain ceases and the body accepts the change.
Since yesterday the phase of strong pain is over. Some memories of the childhood flooded the mind with the last sharp stroke of pain and I was almost carried away by self pity for a while.
The knowledge that past is just past, past, past and only memory and thinking, thinking - this iis the powerful medicine the Buddha gave us to heal our minds. this together with the peacefulness of this place, the absence of construction sites and Thaipop music, the friendliness of the people makes every little now a vacation.
I'm happy to know that I can get into deep meditation when somebody breaks down walls next to me or next to a Karaoke party but it's so relaxing not to have these hardships. When I feel like ants are creeping all over me i know its imaginary because here are no ants in the room.
Working on equanimity is much easier ... Although I still do not get into real equanimous mind states. i start to understand the thai Ajahn's "more effort" - it is needed with all patience and compassion for myself - to get away the sticky twines of the net of defilements.
One of the reasons why I started to put more effort into meditating surely was that i saw that old people get back to their youth and childhood in their minds. NOT THAT AGAIN! But i already kind of meditated as a child, as my teddy bear's nose and smell as kasina, hours and hours and days and weeks. or mirror meditation, until i saw my self disappear and many many pictures of animals that i was passed in front of me in the mirror until there was nothing more, blank. my 1rst teacher wrote about me 'Daniela dreams too much' but i was not dreaming i tried to stop the rage, the rush. i sneaked out at night to run and run or ride bicicle.
Then i heard that the Buddha said there is a way out of suffering (our catholic religion teacher said so, she tried to make us think that this is absurd and people that don't want to kill insects dangerous for all civilized counties) and i swore: 'i'll find it! no matter what!'.
So, here I am trying to fulfill a little girl's vow. no matter what!

2010-04-05T12:17:00.000-07:00

Just when I wanted to start a new determination we moved out of Wat Thai, a few days earlier then expected. We were supposed to leave on the 5th anyway because a lot of people were expected for Songkran, the Thai new year.
The change is - wow- is for the good, one might say.
We are staying here in a wonderful environment, with lots of green, quiet, a place called what sound like Tarzan. I have no idea where exactly we are, since we arrived I hardly left my room. The big house is a perfect small meditation center. It has a perfectly suitable room for a nun and is occupied by a very happy nun :o).
It has a kuti for the monk and teacher, looots of room for meditation inside and outside, only for western meditators it will not be as perfect, because sleeping rooms have to be shared. But it is marvelous. The only negative point for it now is that it will probably not be the last destination on the journey to a the meditation center. It is impermanent, yes,yes. But anyway the present moment is now and now we are here.
I have two more nights here then I go and see my sister. There a kuti in the garden is waiting for me, hehe.

One month america now. Time passes quickly. When I was not reading suttas or writing something in internet, I was meditating.
In the beginning some fears arouse, nobody likes me, I'll be sent away, old demons, even a small panic attac arouse and I could watch them silently, unmoved and they went away after very short. Mind often was like numb.
One evening during a Dhammatalk held by a Thai monk (few people there and they were chatting with each other or talking on phon, not like when Ajaan talk and everybody sits upright and listens carefully), I sat in mediation because I didn't understand a word what the monk was saying, suddenly I had pictures in mind, opening the heart and a deeeeep endless dark space opened and an unseen hand grabbed out of the depth part of my "self", held them in front of me to watch them and threw them out with effort, like in a comic strip when Donald is repairing a motor and pulls out pieces and throws them over his shoulder. A dismounting of the self started. A weird experience, really.
I was excited and scared both at the same time and my heart was beating wild for the whole night and the next day. Then Ego arouse and took over, I was not strong enough to continue the dismantling of self. First I could not notice anything anymore, blocked, when the mind had been like numb before it was now just not accessible anymore. No entrance for one who wants to dismantle self, eheh. "I" avoided to meditate as good as "I" could while i tried to not to lose the last experiances andi forced myself to sit and walk.
That's days ago.
Slowly, slowly i approach some kind of equanimity, knowing it's only possible because everything is perfect, apart from the cold which i try to take as an object of practice. One situation, when Ajaan didn't want to talk to me when I had a question in his and his attendants favor, showed me that equanimity is feeble, it took me some minutes to fight frustration down. I was about to give away the wonderful room I was given and wanted to know if it wouldn't be better if the attendant stays in it, but they didn't even want to listen to my heroic and selfless offer, and self felt misunderstood as a result.
Now I stay in this room, happy, peaceful and do my best to honor that i may stay here by using it for as much meditation as possible.

Thoughts about "The Buddha", the film

2010-04-04T19:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I watched 'The Buddha' videos on PBS. Please check The Buddha, Compassion and tell me if I'm too fuzzy when I find this particular part contra productive for the right presentation to a great audience and the understanding of what Buddhism should be and how monastics should behave. At 04:00 around the Buddha is quoted: "I can give the teaching in brief or I can teach in detail, it is those who understand are hard to find" while a Bhikkhu (improperly dressed for being in public) is cutting down a living branch of a tree. Right after the sentence and the sequence is finished a Bhikkhuni is pulling out grass and digging soil. (I do not mention the 10 precept nuns here because they don’t actually break rules, it’s just my personal opinion it is not good if they do dig and cut plants)
Showing how monastics are breaking their Patimokkha rules during this quote made me think instantly: “Yes, not even monks and nuns do understand. What a shame.”
Was that the intended message of this sequence? Not that these actions without the quote would be any better …
Rules are broken, I know - but I really doubt if it is helpful for Buddhism and those who try to establish Buddhism in the west and try to keep the rules, to show how they are broken in a movie about Buddhism that claims to transport the original message of the Buddha supported by famous people like Richard Geer and the Dalai Lama.
Bhikkhus and Bhikkhunis especially from Theravada traditions are not supposed to cut, pull out or break grass or branches or any living plant, are not allowed to dig soil, should wear our robes properly when in public.
How many people will see this movie?
How can we get through to them to let them know: “Yes. There are monks and nuns and many people who do not understand the teaching of the Lord Buddha and hence rules are broken but - with your understanding, knowledge and support as lay peron and our honest, humble and diligent effort as monastics we could try to make them understand.”?
P.S.: Maybe I should add - The film is very nice and worth seeing and I’m sorry that I will not be able to watch it on the 7th.

all alone

2010-03-29T17:36:00.000-07:00

today I went on pindabt alone. Ajaan and the assistant had an invitation and the 2 little monks didn't show up. Someone tried to convince me not to go, I could eat at the temple, he said, its dangerous alone.
These Thais ... being alone or doing something alone is scaring them. I have enough fears left, some popped up these days, but walking through the Streets of L.A. with an almsbowl is not among them. So I went and received one of the best salads I ever had in life, two veggie meals, a burger, some water, juices and some deserts.
On the way someone yelled something out of a truck, just in a moment when I was not mindful but watching aside at a beautiful rose. He did that earlier, so I was collared in unmindfulness but not too shocked. Two men, a Mexican and an American greeted after staring at me while I was approaching. The first with a nod after he noticed that I saw him without looking straight at him, and the latter with a kind of respectful sounding "good morning, mam".
After overcoming their first irritation that I come all alone the people of the restaurant brought me a tea. Usually we arrive with 3 monks, one nun, 2 attendants and a bunch of laypeople who come to offer food. I unpacked what I received before on the street and mixed it in my bowl, then a waitress brought some really good fried rice with vegetables. They wanted to sneak away because they weren't sure if I can give a blessing, when I said in Thai that I will give the blessing now they all rushed back and kneeled down. One cook I've never seen there before was so pleased, she ran into the kitchen and came back with a pack of blue berries.
After the meal one came and wanted to wash my bowl which I accepted and one wanted to drive me back, which I did not accept, they have their work. It was nice walking back, one woman saw me coming from far and looked at me, I smiled at her, she stuttered: "oh, you, oh you ... what, you ..." and then burst out: "you don't have shoes." She was very excited, and laughed, "no, I don't wear shoes" shortly I thought of giving her an discourse of what it means to go on alms round, but she was not really receptive. Next time.
Half way back someone I know from the temple came and took me back.

another temple

2010-03-29T17:35:00.000-07:00

Last post was written some days ago, many things happened since then.
We went to another Thai Temple in L.A. area on satureday. A laywomen arranged the trip with ajaan for me, she told me to bring my bowl.
I was not quite sure if I would be able to make use of my alms bowl there. The Temple was very nice, a peaceful atmosphere a nice warm spring breeze. We went to greet the abbot. Later I learned that it was the abbot’s birthday … He had no voice, allergie but they talked a bit a he spyed over to where I was sitting and at one point asked something in Thai, while my brain was working to figure out what was said and to find an adequate answer, a layman said, “she doesn’t speak Thai” I confirmed in Thai, that I don’t speak and was soon out of focus.
The laywomen spoke with the Mae Chiis to make sure that I will have a place to sit and receive food. They even have some Mae Chiis at that Temple. I was guided inside the hall where the monk’s seats were prepared on a platform and the Mae Chii’s seats on the floor and asked to put my bowl there. I sat down and meditated while 4 monks were receiving offerings from incoming people. One must have been the abbot according to the rasping sound of the voice. Someone came and gave a little bowl of rice, I opened my alms bowl and the person put the rice in it with a strange glance on her face. I continued meditating.
Two Mae Chiis came and sat beside me, I greeted, they smiled. When I closed my eyes again the Mae Chii next to me began to speek: “ You need a bowl of rice to offer it to the monks” “ No, I don’t offer, I receive.” All words whispered but with a slight panic in her voice she asked: You don’t offer???” “No, I receive, I have an almsbowl” and pointed at it, “I cannot offer and receive at the same time, that’s not proper. I go pindabat.” Her eyes spoke of anger, condemnation but she remained silent and I slowly closed my eyes, yet noticing a man approaching with some rice and her almost unnoticeable headshaking, the man went off. I knew the abbot had watched us.
Monks came in and took place on the platform in order of seniority. One monk brought me a little bowlstand, a tiny table to place the bowl on. The hall had filled with people in the meantime. A laypreacher was commenting the ongoings in the room. There’s no ceremony without such a laypreacher and they always repeat what just was said or tell what is going on. This one said today a Mae Chii is going on almsround, Oh!
The monks got up and started to put their robes in order, the abbot invited me to join in to the line with a gesture of his hand. One monk, the last in the row before me had trouble putting his robes, the abbot said “hurry up”, I arranged my robe (or better said: robe sized blanket, it has no pattern) with two quick movements as if I were an old routine monk, while the poor monk still was fighting with the huge piece of cloth. I was waiting behind the poor one who had now full attention and was asked to spped up for a second time. When I passed the Mae Chii who had been angry of my behavior, she smiled with honest respect and joy. People were lined up outside the hall and we passed them, they could put their little contribution of rice in our bowls, I heard a lot of ‘sadhu’s’ and felt completely accepted and kind of honored.
Back in the hall the people brought many many plates full of excellent food. The 2 laywomen who had come with us were in front of me offering me the food and gave it to the next nun. Then we chanted a blessing and started to eat. TV was turned on with a Karaoke Ceremony and all laypeople chanted while we were scooping.
Later I met Richard who cannot ordain as monk, because he is not through with women. The result of Phalanyani's reflection: I'm not through with men, either - but through with sexual desire as it seems, so I can be a nun. :o) ‘Being Through’ with the object of desire is not the way, but being through with sensual desire might work out.
May we never be 'through' with anybody, no matter what gender, may we be full of love and compassion for every being.

dependence

2010-03-28T18:33:00.000-07:00

>> “There are these ten things that a person gone-forth should reflect on often. Which ten?”
'I have become casteless': a person gone forth should often reflect on this.
'My life is dependent on others'...
'My behavior should be different [from that of householders]'...
'Can I fault myself with regard to my virtue?'...
'Can my knowledgeable fellows in the holy life, on close examination, fault me with regard to my virtue?'...
'I will grow different, separate from all that is dear & appealing to me'...
'I am the owner of my actions (kamma), heir to my actions, born of my actions, related through my actions, and have my actions as my arbitrator. Whatever I do, for good or for evil, to that will I fall heir'...
'What am I becoming as the days & nights fly past?'...
'Do I delight in an empty dwelling?'...
'Have I attained a superior human attainment, a truly noble distinction of knowledge & vision, such that -- when my fellows in the holy life question me in the last days of my life -- I won't feel abashed?': a person gone forth should often reflect on this.
These are the ten things that a person gone-forth should reflect on often.

The conditions here could almost be called perfect. The Ajaan has enough support, devoted Thai people with faith, ready to help him in every situation.
As monastics we live in dependence from laypeople who, out of faith, are willing to support us. In Thailand I was well enough supported from the monastery.
Here I have a room and more than enough to eat and twice I was asked if I need anything. Nothing to complain about, really not .
The Ajaan has his business, running the course, planning the center and has enough people to help him. Which gives me time to reflect on arising feelings of being useless, not helpful, not wanted, feeble and vulnerable, … depending. If Ajaan would not be here, I would probably not be able to go on alms round and I doubt that I would get anything to eat.
It is, in a way, good that he lets me on my own, or does not treat me different from the others, otherwise they would, as happened before, become jealous. They would support me because of him, without ever finding out by themselves if they have faith enough in me to support me. Three of the women at least have that faith.
I do not to get involved with the monks. All I do is smile friendly and greet with palms together. One seeks the conversation and calls me friend, one greets back with palms together and the two young monks who go on alms round with us show some hidden signs of respect when we meet. By and large it is better not to have more contact with them.
So where is the problem, why does fear and insecurity arise?
Last night I dreamt of “my dog”. It had come with me and other people into a big building with many levels like a labyrinth, we were seeking the exit. We finally found one. Out I noticed that the dog wasn’t with me so I run back half the way we came, when I heard it howling and screaming, when it saw me it came running and with me it freaked out of joy and peed of fear. I woke up sweating.
The prospect to ordain soon frightens. Do I feel uncomfortable being dependent from monks and laypeople in a country where giving donation to a reclusive is uncommon? YES! How much more will I feel so when ordained as Bhikkhuni? Now it’s a game to keep the 311 rules and when I fail I can say “oh, doesn’t matter so much, I’m only Mae Chii”. But when I’m ordained it does matter and the circumstances will not be different from now, they will be as life is, uncertain, subject to impermanence.
The Ajahn in Thailand asked me once “are you ready to die”. No, I am not.

The 8 Garudhammas

2010-03-20T17:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I spoke with the head of the meditation center, trying to find out if I can stay at Wat Thai when ordained as Bhikkhuni. He's not talking much to me, one might have the impression that I'm not welcome. But somehow I feel this is not the case.
It seems possible to stay and it seems to make no difference if I ordain now with someone else or in one and a half year with him. As he is my preceptor I feel I should consult him in this question and I would wait if that for any reason would be better. I'm fuzzy about that, as I said earlier (did I?), I would like to have a preceptor who keeps more rules and better than I do, he does.
The longest answer to one of the questions I had was: "But you have to keep the rules, even the garudhammas". I was not sharp and quick enough to ask if he kept all rules from the very beginning perfectly (he once told me he grew into it.)
I don't know if I can keep them all always 100%, sometimes keeping a small rule might cause death and breaking it would save live. I can't guarantee that I would choose death then, I'm not an Arahant. None of the monks and nuns I know would (not sure about my preceptor.
There are some stories about Arahants: one died, bound with grass by some bandits, he burnt in a fire because he didn't want to hurt the grass. Another was robbed, all robes were taken he lied on the floor naked, bound with grass, too. When the king passed the way he was in deadly danger just by being naked within sight of the king, but he refused to hurt the grass by just jumping out of the way. I would jump off, I guess. Is that a reason not to ordain? (That monk did not only survive but became the kings counselor, to finish the story.)
No one, except my preceptor, is NOT touching money, in contrary, I was advised by Bhikkhus and Bhikkhunis not to be too fuzzy with this rule.
The list of broken rules is as long as the patimokkha is, so I will not continue here.
This can be said, as a Mae Chii I keep more patimokkha rules than as those who should keep them. (This was said by a Bhikkhuni, not me)
As for the 8 Garudhammas:
They are, if taken as kind of sanctionary system to keep women dependent and obedeiant, against the law of the USA, Canada and Europe because they are discriminating women. Monks living in a western country who oppress nuns to keep these rules must be aware of the fact that they act against the law. Other would it be if these rules were ment by the monks to help the nuns, then they were legal. In Australia the monks took themselves 8 Garudhammas which I try to find and copy into the blog later.
There is no proof that the Garudhammas were laid down by the Buddha himself, latest researches show that they are a later addition, as I heard. The whole story of Mahapajapati seems to be rewritten or changed later. Having unshakable faith in the Lord Buddha’s teaching I fully trust that this is not his teaching. The Buddha has foreseen the Quantum- and the Chaos theory, why should he have been so completely wrong in dating the downfall of his teaching after 1000 or 500 years, he stated it otherwise in other occasions.
Others say the 8 Garudhammas only were meant for Mahapajapati, the first Bhikkhuni and Buddha’s fostermother. She was ordained by accepting them. The 500 women that came with her to ask the Buddha for ordination received a normal ordination by monks, as a Story of the Dhammapada shows. Makes sense.
Buddha said rules can be changed or been given up after his death, so why not ... no, let’s take it as given, they are there, let’s imagine the Garudhammas were valid: if monks want that they are kept, hey, why not! Try to see them with the eyes of the fully enlightened one, monks, with all love, compassion and wisdom possible.
1. To greet the monks. I am friendly, I do not only great monks, I great all people and I like it.
After being among Thai monks I know, without this Garudhamma Bhikkhunis would certainly have to prostrate with 5 points to the ground at meeting a Bhikkhu, as the Mae Chiis and lay people have to do. Asian women would not be able to withstand such a monk’s order. Nowadays Bhikkhus are more bothered then pleased when they are greeted always, they said, they don't like it. And: Monks who are not respectable must not be greeted, I know very few respectable monks.
2.Yes, spend the rains, where a monk is near, ... today's world is small, to get the info because of which this rule is stated would be possible via internet, but this rule is part of the patimokkha, anyway, so nothing extra.
3. Asking the monks for the uposatha day and for exhortation (ovada, vada means = pleasant speach) it is rather likely that the monks would forget their appointment or would not like come for to meet the Bhikkhunis if the latter would not remind them to do so.
4. The next one is as well a patimokkha rule, to invite the monks for the pavarana, yep, I took part in one, a nice ceremony with good food and lots of donations - no further comment.
5. This is difficult because nobody can translate manattna, so we don't know what is to be observed, one of the speculation is: if these rules are not kept there will be a penalty for 2 weeks. But who knows ...
6. To train the 6 rules for 2 years and ask both sanghas for ordination, yes, yes, I'm almost done. This makes sense because a Bhikkhuni has to stay with her preceptor 2 more years after ordaining. Monks stay with their preceptor 5 years.
7. Not insult or revile a monk … yes, that’s hard to accept ;o)
8. Not critizise (or in other translations admonish) a monk ... men hardly can take critics, that’s a fact, even more so if a woman does it. My grandma said: “If you have a problem with your husband and you need to change his behavior, never ever talk to your husband about it, tread him friendly and loving and talk with his firend or his mother, ask them to talk with him, only then chances are, that the situation will change. A wise woman.
There are stoties that a Bhikkhuni thought a Bhikkhu and he was grateful because he became enlightend through the Bhikkhuni's help, they were friends, so teaching in a compassionate way Bhikkhus is not forbidden.
If what one says is taken as critic or as support is often more an interpretation depending on the perception of the receiver of the message. As former actress I know that critics are to be given to improve one's actions. If a monk does not want that, ok. And cirticism in another way than helpful and loving is not allowed for both, Bhikkhus and Bhikkhunis, as it would be wrong speach. The Buddha clearly said in the vinaya how a Bhikkhus should critizise one another same holds true for Bhikkhunis. Admonishing is a sensible act always not only among monastics.
Here they are, one version of many:
1. However old a bhikkhuni may be, she must pay respect even to a newly ordained monk and should learn and practise this dhamma throughout her life.
2. A bhikkhuni must not stay in a nunnery to observe the Buddhist Lent where there is no bhikkhu nearby and should learn and practise this dhamma throughout her life.
3. A bhikkhuni must invite a bhikkhu every fortnight to fix the date of Sabbath and the day to listen to the exhortation (Ovada) of the monks and should learn and practise this dhamma throughout her life.
4. A bhikkhuni must perform the ceremony of Confession and taking advice both in the bhikkhu Sangha and the bhikkhuni Sangha and should learn and practise this dhamma throughout her life.
5. A bhikkhuni must observe the manattna discipline first from a bhikkhu and then from a bhikkhuni and should learn and practise this dhamma throughout her life.
6. A bhikkhuni, after training in six pacittiya rules of the bhikkhuni patimokkha, should seek upasampada from both bhikkhu and bhikkhuni sanghas and should learn and practice this dhamma throughout her life.
7. A bhikhhuni must not admonish a bhikkhu and should learn and practice this dhamma throughout her life
8. Since having become a nun, she should be receptive to learning and should learn and practise this dhamma throughout her life.
And here another one:
1. A nun who has been ordained even for a hundred years must greet respectfully, rise up from her seat, salute with joined palms, do proper homage to a monk ordained but that day.
• clarification: The Vinaya recounts the story of six monks who lifted up their robes to show their thighs to the nuns. When the Buddha learned about this, he made an exception to that rule and told the nuns not to pay respect to these monks. A nun, then, does not have to bow to every monk, but only to a monk who is worthy of respect.
• Pajapati's later request: "I would ask one thing of the Blessed One, Ananda. It would be good if the Blessed One would allow making salutations, standing up in the presence of another, paying reverence and the proper performance of duties, to take place equally between both bhikkhus and bhikkhunis according to seniority."
2. A nun must not spend the rains in a residence where there are no monks. [See Bhikkhuni Pac.56: Vin.IV. 313 ]
3. Every half month a nun should desire two things from the Order of Monks : the asking as to the date of the Observance [ uposatha ] day, and the coming for the exhortation (bhikkhunovada). (See Bhikkhuni Pac.59: Vin.IV. 315)
4. After the rains a nun must 'invite' [ pavarana ] before both Orders in respect of three matters, namely what was seen, what was heard, what was suspected. (See Bhikkhuni Pac. 57: Vin. IV.314)
5. A nun, offending against an important rule, must undergo manatta discipline for half a month before both Orders.
6. When, as a probationer, she has trained in the six rules (cha dhamma) for two years, she should seek higher ordination from both Orders.
• note contradiction: One of the gurudhamma mentions sikkhamanas, probationary nuns who train for two years in preparation to become bhikkhunis. It says that after a probationary nun has trained with a bhikkhuni for two years, that bhikkhuni preceptor has the responsibility to fully ordain her. However, when the Buddha ordained Mahapajapati, there were no probationary nuns. He ordained her directly as a bhikkhuni. So how do we explain that within the eight important rules, one of them states that before becoming a bhikkhuni, a woman must be a probationary nun?
7. A Monk must not be abused or reviled in any way by a nun.
8. From today, admonition of monks by nuns is forbidden. (Book of the Discipline, V.354-55)
• note Buddhist Laywomen can: This is in contrast to the rules for Buddhist Laywomen who can single handedly accuse a bad monk; which would make no sense since the Ordained, monastic bhikkhunis (nuns) are clearly meant to have more respect than lay people.

shoes

2010-03-20T14:40:00.001-07:00

days are going by, fast.
The bump offered me brand new shoes today, they are a little large but very nice. So I have to wear shoes now. He gave me stomach medicine, too. someone had told him that I had stomach problems the other day. They are gone and forgotten since long ...
the fun of the day happens in the morning, on alms round, the rest is like meditating and learning Dhamma everywhere else in the world. Except that here are no construction sites in the temple and no Thaipop music behind walls. It,s much less noisy in the city of Los Angeles close to a 4 way drive tahn in a small Thai village. As a result I hear the tinnitus more often and louder. but it doesn't bother me anymore, it's the sound of silence. (It first appeared during my first vipassana retreat 2007 when some drunken Thai villagers fired a bengal firework next to the kuti I was meditating in.) but back to the fun: on alms round the monks do get a little bit more of everything, more food more cake, generally more sweets. Twice in the past week I could observe how a slight greed and feeling of unfairness arouse in my mind for a second. Imagine that, I'm carrying a bowl full with food to feed 2 or 3 people more and a bag full with drinks and sweets and then the thought arises: "booah, the monk got a yogurt, and a cake, ..." What a shame!
I thought of my brother and me as children, we observed carefully what the other one got and it's kind of borne right to me to get the same as the brother and to feel injustice whenever it was different. Time to grow up Phalañanī.
Life is not fair without a caring mother around. It is like that and we only have one option to choose, if we want to find peace at heart, freedom from suffering - and that is: acceptance.

arrival

2010-03-18T16:43:00.000-07:00

today it feels like being here, now. I'm back to health and strength, find sleep at night and can meditate and read suttas at day. How wonderful. It's really starge, when mind and body are so way apart, mind somewhere over the pacific and body in an unknown place.
Yesterday some facebook friends became real, they came to visit at Wat Thai and we spent an houre talking and visiting the monastery, which i didn't do before. It's a nice temple.
I enjoy the daily Dhammatalk and group meditation in the evening. A course is running presently. Everyday I meet new, lovely people, all Thai. People seek to talk to me, but ask respectfully 2 or 3 questions and then leave me alone. No construction sites around!
There is nothing to complain about, although it's not free from suffering - only it does not appear right now within me. In others it does - may they get over it.

The two young monks who join for pindabat didn't know how to put on their outer robes ... :o)
Monks since 5 months one and the other since some weeks, they stared at me to find out how the robe is to be put on. I couldn't show them, because there were people around, but I opend mine to adjust it a little bit to show them, how it is done. This morning they came and proudly presented their results of trying to put on an outer robe. If I was a monk in charge to observe the dress code, I've must sent them back to their rooms, but as I'm just the mae chii, i gave them an encouraging smile. Nice boys what a luck for them that they found meditation.

I front of the house where I stay an old man lives in a car. He was soldier in the us army, could live better than this, but prefers to live here. From the beginning on he always greeted me very friendly. Today I went out to give him a jogurt. He started talking first in Thai, then in english and, oh wonder, i had understood what he had said in Thai. He was meditation for long and when he saw me he knew >I'm able to 'get it' (the final goal, liberation from suffering) in this live. I am the first person he has ever seen that might be able to 'get it'.< Pouuh. "You can! in this life, no one of the others here can, you can! Do more walking meditation, do it outside, not inside your room, do it naturally, then you will get it, you are like one of this flying lights on Loy Kratong (a hot air balloon with a lit fire). But don't walk barefoot anymore, I give you shoes." "Oh no, I don't need shoes", said I. "You need", said he. "We're at 2010 not at 0001, not at the Buddhas time, you need shoes and I want to give them to you, you do walking meditation outside with the shoes i give you and you'll get it, that's my merit, that's my meditation." I tried to escape, a bump wants to buy shoes for me. What can I do? He doesn't seem to be an alcoholic or mad, though, his eyes were sparkling, clear. Handicapped he is and his mind not in peace, but not mad. Everything he said, he repeated 3 up to 5 times. "those who think they are small, are big and those who think they are big are small. I want you to break through." "I'll try." "No, don't try, do it, you can." Then i went inside.
I felt caught when he spoke about the walking meditation, how could he know that I'm skipping it sometime because I don't like it?

pindabat

2010-03-16T14:27:00.000-07:00

almsround in Los Angeles.
How wonderful that I can go on real alms round here in Los Angeles. First the Ajaan, then his attendant and in some distance me. Yesterday a young monk joined and today a second young monk with attendant. So we are 6 people marching in a row through the streets of North Hollywood. Some people offer food right at the monastery, others drive by and stop on our way and some more people meet in a Thai restaurant, where we finally eat out of our bowls. The young monks do not yet know how to wear their robes properly and only one knows the blessing chant.
People got a hint that I eat vegetarian and now we receive mainly vegetarian food.
Thai's are funny. Either they like you or ignore you. The women offering food at the temple already love me. One at the first sight started to cry when she saw me. "You are so beautiful, I'm so happy to see you, I never thought it was possible that a woman can do that. i tried to go with them on alms round but I can't, I'm so happy to see you." We never met before. She hugged me long. Next day she came running and screaming "Nimon, Nimon!" Wich is the invitation to receive an offering. After pindabat I met another of the women from the morning. She stopped me and said: "You know, your voice is so different, a voice like yours I never heard it before, non of the monks here can do the chanting like you do, you touch my heart, please, if you do evening chanting record it and give it to me I want to hear you voice it helps me to calm down". Then she talked about her life a bit until her husband came to pick her up.
I'm not sure what to do. I'm not allowed to make people love my voice to receive more almsfood. It is not my intention to do so, but if I record something for her, it might seem that I try to pull her on my side. If I don't she might be upset and it might seem that I'm not willing to cooperate. For now I told her that I have no device to record.

Yesterday after lunch I was taken to a huge chinese Kwan Im Temple here in Los Angeles aera. Why do I have the impression it's just a moneymaking business?

post scriptum

2010-03-16T13:33:00.000-07:00

I have received an serious and probably acceptable response to my wish to ordain as Bhikkhuni and might be able to do so before the vassa. yep! Some conditions are to be checked but at least someone who is respected in the Sangha will accept my Mae Chii ship as equal to the required 2 year training. That's a good news! Ha.
To be honest I don't care any more if I'm Bhikkhuni or not. :o) If I can be this year, good, if not may it be so, I may ordain in one and a half year then - the suffering for it has ended. I've seen too many abuse of this precious state of existence and I will not be better than any of those who abuse it. So, keep the ball low, Phalañani.
I’m not shivering of cold anymore. Probably I was really sick. Good that I decided not to travel on to the desert and to north California. It’s a wonderful spring day, like spring in Mallorca. Mallorquin springs are marvelous. Although I haven’t seen the American part of my family since more then 10 years and even if I really wish to personally get to know some Bhikkhunis in the bay area, it’s time to stay where I am, rest and meditate. I learn to accept the limitations of an elderly body.
One thing I noticed during my trip: somehow, unknown, unnoticed I’ve lost the panic when it come to share a place to sleep. I shared room with 2 Bhikkhunis for several nights and in Hua Hin I slept in a sala with about 5 or 6 other people. Formerly I had a serious problem with that. Seriously serious. I just paniced, no discussion and the only solution could have been to either not sleep or leave. But I slept now, and at the moment of acknowledging the fact that room hast to be shared no panic arose. Impressive. This is a proof that meditation really works and one can overcome neuroses.
Not that I like sharing room now, if ever possible I will not do so and I will not do with a layperson, I guess.
Here I have a room for my own in a house that I share with laypeople, people who come to meditate. That’s not proper, not good (the house sharing, that they come to meditate is perfect, of course) . I have personally absolutely no problem with it, even to stay in a house with a man, if I weren’t a nun I would not even think that sharing a house with a man could be somewhat difficult. But I am a nun, and I understand why Buddha layed down this rule. Solution, I can lock the door and do get up before sunrise anyway and can go out before sunrise every 3 nights. Loopholes …

Last night I couldn't sleep for a while, jetlag ... I started thinking:
here I am, in this small room with two high and luxorious beds, laying on the floor between them, there I was hungry starving in the airplane and didn't touch the wonderful vegetarian food in front of me. I was repeatedly told to wear shoes in america and I did (flipflops and socks), when i was sick, but it doesn't feel right. Am I a silly nun? a fanatic? a sincere follower? do I have a tendency for selftorture or is it just because I try to follow the Buddhas path?

up to date

2010-03-15T20:11:00.000-07:00

after staying in Hua Hin in a tibeten meditation center, after visiting Venerable Bhikkhuni Dhammananda, who was brilliant, and after finally going back to Bangkok to stay one more night in my friend Sirikarn's house, I went to the airport and got my flight to Los Angeles. It was ok, except maybe that it was 3 hours longer than expected, that they concealed the fact that we have 2 stop instead of only 1 and that I could not eat the delicious vegetarian food that they had for me because it never was the right time. So I had a lot of juices, some butter and stomach problems anyway.
When I arrived customs was full of friendly and smiling officers, except the one where I had the luck to come to. (You can't choose) I was wearing shoes to not to be too offensive and tried to look as normal as possible with my ball head, without eyebrows and wrapped in weird brown blankets.
I was asked to show my return ticket.
I had none. I tried to explain that I don't want to return to Thailand, that I wish to see my mum in Germany instead and hope to find a cheap flight on internet once I'm settled in the monastery.
No way, without return ticket I was not allowed to enter America and was brought to customs, where I was informed that I either can purchase a ticket out of the country after my official 90 days stay or I will be sent back right away.
A young woman from Malaysia air, the airline which brought me here, came to do get the ticket for me. The airline one arrives with is responsible that one leaves again. So I had to trust her. phone didn't work, no money in the pockets, a credit card that doesn't work as we found out later, no chance to inform my friends who organized that I will be picked up.
I told that woman what I need is the cheapes flight to germany and said I have a credit card, she said: "I'll be back with the ticket in 30 minutes". And off she went. 4 hours later she appeared to tell me that she could get a flight for 3500 bugs.
4 hours seeing people questioned, deported, desperate arguing.
After 3 hours waiting i saw my friends from far, a saffron robe on the other end of the hall surrounded by happy Thai people. No way for me to call, yell, wave, or catch their attention. I tried to ask people around if I could make a call. No signal, and not allowed anyway.
The seats were more comfortable than those in the airplane so I could sit easy and meditate or for some time just vegitate dul. It's all impermanent. The Armenian man was in despair and almost freaked out he didn't want to go back to Armenia, even if he was a known burglar and not welcome in America, he repeated " no, NO, nooo,nonononono.But no chance fro him. The rich fat guy in expensive sportswear who was accused of murder and swore it was false accusation was called into a backroom. The Latino and his son had to go back to where they came from because his wife who was waiting outside had not enough money for their return ticket, they came like me without it. One passport had not 6 months of validity left. I don't know what happened to the Russian girl she came too often to America with a tourist visa, if she wanted to stay, what she was working and where, she was brought to the backroom. The old Chinese Lady in a wheelchair had brought an expired passport. The Japanese Business man lost his face and yelled at the officer, which probably made his stay at customs even longer. and so on.
America the Land of unlimited possibilities.
Well, after 4 hours I had not jet a flight but could give the attending woman my friends phone number and asked her to inform them, they must have arrived home by now ... wondering where I am. We decided to get any flight out of America of her airline which was refundable, I would show the ticket to the friendly officer, and next day cancel the flight. Good idea, I entrusted her the credit card. "I'll be back in 10 minutes". " Yes, yes" more sleeping then awake, but shivering of cold and not able to sleep I prepared mentally to spend a few more hours here.
After three quarters or so, she was already back, the credit card didn't work. Hmmm, what's next? "Did you call my friends?" "No." "Please, do." Off she was. I prepared mentally to spend my night there. Surprisingly fast, after only 15 minutes she came back, smiling and waving a sheet of paper. A flight confirmation. "We show this to the officer now, then you can get out of here, later your friends come, pick you up and sign the bill at the malaysian air counter."
Without Carbon tablets (damn diarrhea) and without friends all could have been much worse.

Now I'm at Wat Thai since 3 days, today the diarreah seems to get better. We go on alms round, food is plenty and very good, today for the first time i was kind of hungry. People are very nice and welcoming. I did some excursions to see Venerable Karuna Dharma, Bhante Piyananda, a Kuan Im Temple, washed all my cloth in warm water in a washing machine and rest and meditate. My trip to the desert and to north California is canceled in favor of resting and arriving and the weather is getting warmer. It's like a Mallorquian spring. Wonderful.

how to make enemies

2010-03-15T20:04:00.000-07:00

somehow I got into the "outstanding women in Buddhisn award" preparation and ceremony as i took residence with my friend Sarani in We-train, a center for women's education and support with orphanage, emergency house for women, hairdresser and massage school etc. etc., a big wonderful project. I met a lot of very nice, warmhearted, courageous women. And found out that Thailand has more Bhikkhunis than one might think, by meeting some of them.
When we came to we-train the award ceremony was about to be prepared by one Bhikkhuni. One I like very much, I have to say. She must be the one why people (monks) in Thailand say: "you want to be Bhikkhuni for feminism". I never understood why the monks say that, there are other ways, more effective to lance feminism then by becoming a nun. But she did it. Her goal is feminism, equality of gender. I don't understand why she became a nun, because there are more effective to lance feminism then by becoming a nun.
Anyway.
All these women were really lovely, that's why I stayed and did what I could to support, although I have to admit, that this award thing is mere feeding defilements, on all ends. It's good to have something like that, sure, in a country where feminism is about 35 years delayed, it will help the women to find a new identity. But it has nothing to do with Buddhism, it should not be organized by nuns, and as far I could see there was only one women really deserving this award, while 10 were receiving it. Inflation. Makes it nothing worth, in the end, that's how inflation works.
And as it exist, this award, it should have audiance, which it might have, if it were organized by other people then nuns.

I'm disillusioned about Bhikkhunis now. I had high hopes that we could show the monks that we have a right to be female monks by being humble, keeping rules, behaving well as the Buddha requested it, kind of: we deserve it because we're worth it. But that's not the way the Bhikkhuni's I met so far see it. They behave like monks, as bad as the bad ones. I must make one exception: Bhikkhuni Agganyani who imprisons herself to not break a rule.
Can't there be a middle way? An honest intend to keep rules. An honest confession if it was not possible to keep. Forgiveness and try to do better?
As far as it seems there are loopholes, excuses, open offenses, hidden offenses, ...
Not that I will be better. I will break rules. I break them now, I take teabags to brew a tea without having each bag given to me, I presently stay under the same roof with laypeople and even a man, I will look for loopholes, I will find excuses in case of breaking a rule (in the latter case: it's a room I'm given, what can I do?). I'm wearing much more than my 5 parts of my robes (and still feel cold).
The rules are training rules and I slowly become a little bit more relaxed about them, they are training rules, after all. I'm not complaining anymore about people who don't keep rules. I just wonder why rules are taken when there is no intention whatsoever to keep them. The intention makes the difference.
May I have enough effort to keep the 311 rules to it's best, may I not lose the good intention to keep rules and may I grow into the holy life and be able to suppress wanting which seems to be the mayor reason for rule breaking.

airport

2010-03-13T13:58:00.000-08:00

on my second or third day in Bangkok we went to the new airport to pick up a outstanding-women-in-Buddhism-award-winning Bhikkhuni, we that was 2 thai bhikkhunis, 1 american and i, the mae chii. We had lots of time and went to the monks waiting room. The Thai bhikkhunis didn't know that such a room exists and were delighted to see it. After sitting there for a while, a monk slowly opened the door and moved his head in slowly turning it towards us. It took me a second to realize, that it was my Ajahn. "Oh, only women" he said, we greeted him respectfully and then he left. He was probably on his way to china, where he and some others are giving a meditation course.
Later, we were waiting at the gate, to pick the person up, a monk came down on the electric starirs. He was smiling. The airport is always full of monks. Then I looked again, it was one of my brothers of Chiang Mai, he was on his way back to the monastery and was happy to meet me because he had to give me some information about ordination.
Suvanabhumi airport is huge, incredible to meet someone i know.

Bangkok

2010-03-11T18:41:00.000-08:00

Sarani waited paitently for an answer if I accompany her to Bangkok or not. Finally yes I did. We had 3 days together there, then she went to LA and waits for me there, in case i'll go up to the north of California on 12th.
We came to women training center, we-train, where the ceremony of giving-the-outstanding-wome-in-Buddhism-award was prepared.
I had a room for my own in the nun's cottage, it was actually not really alone, I shared with hunderets of mosquitoes. They had hidden under the bed, i used a mosquitonet because the room had no screens. unfortunately i did not know that plenty blood succer were under the bed and hang the net just so that it touched the ground, There was no exit for them. At 1:00am I started feeding the mosquitoes for 2 hours.
the center has everything, big guesthouse, orphanage, place for mistreated women, hairdresser school, thaimassage, restaurant and so on.
i got to know the organizer of the awards-ceremony, a Bhikkhuni since many years. she was very nice, down to earth and funny. every day more Bhikkhunis and other women arrived.
I went on almsround with the organizer every morning and received lots of food from people who knew her and money. She was a mae chi for long time in this place and has many friends there.
It was shocking to see that some monks "went" on alms round by being driven by motorcycle, just jump off, receive, give blessing and drive too the next one. the driver was waiting 2 meters away having about 10 bags on his cycle.
My friend and supporter Sirikarn met with me and we went to a Buddhist shop, a shop that supplies every a monk might need. She wanted to offer the first robes to me in case, i could ordain in America.
She went straight to a shop that was recommended by one of her friends, but I didn't feel like getting something there, so we went to the next shop next door and the next, in the 4rth shop i stayed longer and had a look around. Sarani was with us that day. We found robes of pure cotton in a color we all liked. while sirikarn was paying, i was watching monks-mosquitonet-umbrellas with Sarani. the seller came and we asked the price, Sarani wanted to buy one. while the assistent was sent to get one the seller said "I offer it" and she asked me if I want one as well. "No, I said, very nice, but I have already one". the seller yelled: "get another one, search for the best with everything, the entire set." The seller's sister called her friends and family to come over to the shop. "do you need anything else", "no" the seller sent the assistant who had brought all stuff for us to get another outer robe, "do you need anything else", "no" then she told her to get two more vests, I gave a blessing together with Sarani,"do you need anything else", "no" she ordered to bring more lower robes and was desperately looking for something else I might need, she finally had the idea to give both of us another monks-tudong-bag which was a good idea and I really needed one for all things i got. again she asked if i need more, "no!" sarani pointed at my bare feet, the seller said, " I have shoes, but they are of bad quality and will be broken soon, I don't give them to her." I gave another blessing and started to head towards exit before the seller ruined herself by giving me too much. the people that were called befor came in and offered money to us. another blessing, exchange of e-mail addresses and farewell. i hope i will be worth the faith the people suddenly had.
Sirikarn who is way too supersticious asked me days later if i uses supernatural power to get what I want. AAAGgrrrrr!
I try since weeks to tell her that if i had such powers I would not be allowed to use them. To intrude someones mind for the purpose to get what one wants really is the worst, the least, it's bad, bad, bad. Supernatural powers in a person which is not 100% firm in the sila, who has not a pure mind, are a danger, both for the person itself and for all others. Please do not think so bad of me, my friend Sirikarn.
We went after leaving the shop to see Sirikarn's husband who is a high rank of th city police. He officially offered the robes to me. He is nice, calm and friendly. Afterwords we were brought back to the center by a police car. Sarani was a bit dissapointed, that we stood in the trafic as everybody else, not using our blue lights.
to be continued

2010-03-11T15:55:00.000-08:00

long ago that i wrote. It's because so many things happend, I could rather get by with updating. I was traveling better said, still am.
I decided about two weeks ago, beginning of march is a good time to go. There had a lot of restlessness arisen and it seemed almost impossible not to travel. Ajahn and Bhikkhuni were traveling to China, so why stay.
I heard that the ajahns were going to china to ordain Bhikkhunis in China, after first giving a retreat. I don't know if this holds true. If it does - i was not asked to join. so i felt like not having any commitment to stay.
versace-slipper had caused enought trouble by telling the nuns not to give me any food without garlic and them having to find ways to give me garlic-free food. It's impossible for a my Thainun-kitchenfriends not to cook any extra for me. I felt indepted and had no better way to help them to have less work than just leave. They sneaked around my kuti and spyed out if the monk is watching and then brought me food, the situation was so ridiculous. Not from the nuns side, of course, but for me it was an unacceptable situation in which the nuns had been, this was the next reason for my sudden departure.
Ajahn was not pleased,would i say from reading his face, for a brief moment he had his ice-face. It's a sight with the abscence of every warm and loving feeling which usually is visable in his appearance. I got that look before, when I left. One is emotionally just cut off. Well, it was not so this time, i was dismissed with warm smiles, but can somehow, until now, not get rid of the feeling that i was supposed not to go now.

mindstates

2010-02-20T03:54:00.001-08:00

Again some days of determination. My feet are hurting from all the hours walking on tiles. At night i go out to do walking on a different floor. If you ever build a meditation hut, don't put tiles on the floor!
Food is since some time full of garlic again, stomac pain and few vomits are the result.
[versace-slipper-monk told the kitchen team not to give me garlic-free food anymore]
I've been through 2 hard days, now its easy and i feel happy and easy dispite all difficulties.
2 days ago Ajahn told me i don't need to come every day to report anymore. I noticed that i was attached to seeing him every day and that i'm angry that he and bhikkhuni are going to china without taking me there for ordination. Sure they don't. But somehow i had the weird idea they could do it.
After observing these and other attachments i experienced a moment of being completely unattached. What a great moment! It felt as if strings wrapped around my heart just fell off.
This was not a moment of enlightenment, not nibbana, nor anything spectacular. Just the arising of an unattached mindstate ... for the first time in life and only for short - it was followed by surprise, joy, excitement, wanting to remain in this state of mind and knowing that by then it was already lost.
This made me understand that there really truly can only be one state of mind at a time. this 'time' is a very brief moment and therefore it might seem that mindstates are mixed or combined but that is not so. The mind is just too slow to realize the quick changes of states.
There is a certain spectrum of states that can arise in mind.
For an untrained mind it's not controllable. A trained mind will be able to let some states arise while others are subpressed that quick that it will seem they're never arising.
Oh, so much more work to do. To get this understanding as a routine and adaptable to daily life will be very difficult. Seeing it for a second and living it are still two pairs of shoes for me.
...
2 days later. The garlic made me burb, i could have gained the 'burbing-contest' if there were one. Unfortunatey my hut has no whatsoever sound isolation and i felt very sorry for my neighbors who could wittness the sounds of a garlic-intolerance. The poor kitchenteam suffered more then i, because they, too heard me burbing and vomiting.
The old kitchen nun who always made sure that no garlic comes into my bowl, retired a week ago from her job [with 75]. That was the moment for the monk to interfere. Today the old nun, mae chii sukjai, secretly cooked something for me in her hut and gave it to the kitchen that they can offer it to me. The workers said that they are so sorry and that it is not their ill-will that they gave me garlic food. I was close to tears. The man of the team kneeled down and put the food into my bowl and yelled 'blessing' through the kitchen, to inform the others, they went down on their knees, as well, when i chanted, in the end they said unisone: 'sadhu, sadhu, sadhu'. It is good, it is good, ...
Usually giving blessing in the kitchen is quick done because they have a lot of work.

Tomorrow i'll finish retreat, a lay-friend in phrao died, the husband of the woman who called the devas to take care of me in wat tam dog tam and i'm invited for the funeral ceremony. I'm happy to see some forest and some other friends. Funerals in thailand are not dramatic as in the west, so it's a good event to meet with monk-friends.

2010-02-12T19:04:00.000-08:00

after retreat is before the retreat. I just continue until about 21th of this month or so, then i will prepare for the trip to america in beginning of march, as it seems.
Not going to Sri Lanka. Ajahn is happy with that if i could read in his unmoved smiling face correctly! Bhikkhuni definately is.

to town

2010-02-11T03:04:00.000-08:00

i was in town yesterday to meet a friend and day before yesterday to meet a Bhikkhuni firend. it's not good outside, as nice as it is to meet with friends who share believes - to go to samsara feels wrong.
Although I can note body quite good, know sitting, walking, moving etc. at least the mayor postures and some of the minor. Town didn't hurt this time, because both times we met in a monastery which has a nice coffee shop. A dramatic movie, a thriller or whatever, was shown on tv, i didn't watch but know now that i didn't guard my sense door of hearing good enough, we heard a lot of fighting sounds and that was following after in the meditation at night.

today 8 hours of meditation, more effort, i was told in report.

Fresh from the cushion

2010-02-08T00:29:00.000-08:00

Finished retreat day before yesterday but am still working on the latest insights. How can these almost banal things take so long to come from ‘yes, yes, I know’ to ‘knowing’. Or is it just me so narrow minded that insights hardly get through?
But first of all, mainly for my family I want to say this:
When I talk of all the suffering, pain and of miserable existence, … I know it worries you. And sometimes I hesitate to write of it, therefore. But misery, pain etc. are moments, after which happiness arises again, or indifference. Neither of it lasts long. Misery is there, in everybody’s existence, as is happiness. I’m observing suffering, am not living it. That makes pretty much of a difference. Moments of real suffering, problems actual, present, hot, larger than that Bhikkhuni ordination is difficult to get or food has far too much garlic, are rare. I feel very, very much a fortunate.
Ajahns laconic: ‘have metta for yourself’ that he said among all ‘more effort’, more concentration’ kept me busy. I worked for an increase of upekha [equanimity], and thought metta [loving kindness], khanti [patience] will help me to get it .
First I thought, ‘well if I have metta with myself, I’m going to sleep long and stop practicing, ha!’. Silly thing. Then I realized that it is enormous difficult to have metta for myself, but sending it to other is easy. Then I found that I don’t really know what it means to have metta for someone or how to send it, that what I did so far as was sending metta, was some wishful thinking and some imaginings. Then I understood that when I have metta for me, then there is metta and once it is there, it is for me and everybody else, without difference, it’s just there. But then I didn’t know how to get it. No idea, no access to it. And then one morning there was a little spark and then a silent, tiny little supernova happened in my chest. The body was flooded by warmth, lights, colors. All was very decent and if it had happened in another occasion I would not have noticed it. And then there was love, immense, overwhelming. Oceans full, never ending sources.
Too much to bear, and I closed, tried to open, found it again, couldn’t bear it again, closed and started to play with closing - opening for it. It still works.
That’s where metta comes from, that’s what it is: It’s just there one just has to open the mind for it.
‘It’s Buddhaday I can’t run to Ajahn’, tears were falling and there was too much love but not enough patience, not enough equanimity. ‘That’s on the list as well phalañani, so remain on the cushion and learn it.’
The fresh experience of this ‘source of love’ kicked me far away from equanimity. I didn’t move physically but mentally was moved. Metta too overwhelming, equanimity out of reach, so I concentrated on patience, I tried but weak concentration. So I started to get deep into observing the rising and falling of the abdomen, the sitting of this body the touching points and concentration got better again. It must be the same with all paramis [perfections, perfect virtues], I thought, ‘they are there, among all the mind pollution there is perfection, like the good smells we breathe in with all the polluted air, just keep watching the breath, phalañani’.
Without lights and colors, drums and trumpets patience was there, in sitting; equanimity was there; karuna, [compassion] was there. Compassion is even harder to bear than love.
This is all way too big for me, I have to get used to it slowly, when compassion is there without equanimity, I just cry. When there is love but no patience, I scare people. When there is equanimity without love, it’s cold … So I have to learn how this all works together.
This morning an ant was walking over face and left ear. I noted itching, itching. Usually I would have waited a while to show me that I have some patience but then after 2 minutes would have put it away. Today I understood that this little being’s existence is much more miserable then mine, when it walks on my face it just does its job, it’s not personal, it does not intend to bother me. Understanding this I could develop love and compassion for the ant, that helped me to bear the itching with patience, just noting it and equanimity arose. After teaching me thus, master ant left.

equanimity?

2010-01-30T03:31:00.000-08:00

Fighting for equanimity. Tststs, that's not the way to get there, phalañani.
1rst step: noting that what i thought to be equanimity earlier is mere indifference produced by pushing away all thoughts through concentration - with more or less effectivity.
Equanimity seems to be real peace of mind as a result of the acceptance of things as they are, a supramundane state of mind. While indifference is worldy, dealing with things as they come up by not letting them take hold in mind. Nice and cool satate of mind, but not truely equanimity.
As i found out earlier the present moment is void of 'l', 'me' and 'mine'. It's just the present moment. Therein is hearing or feeling, thinking bending, walking or wathever but no 'I'. 'I' doesn't like it.
Uaaaah! Fear arises. Mind is still playing tricks to undergo the determination that was made.
Walkingmeditation with 2 pairs of socks on blankets, that takes away the physical part of the pain in feet and knees.
Walking on wood or earth is much nicer, but if i will not become enlightened it's not the fault of the tiles on the floor of the kuti i presently stay in, that's clear.
Hihihi, there's a monk with versace-slippers in my 'front garden' digging soil, putting some flowers.
Whatever may he do as he wants, it's his karma.
Back to topic:
We think we are and try to manifest it. We cling on to this miserable existence in search for happyness, trying to understand whats going on. That makes us running around, chasing after some fun, after plans, after love etc. Until sometimes the question arises: 'and, ... This is It?' then we start to investigate and after lots of time we find out that sweeping can just be sweeping, peaceful, perfect, a step can just be a step. No wanting and no before and no after.
But usually there is this wanting, the desires to be, to become, to have, then we go for it which is eventually a more or less subtle act of aggression and we do so because we do not know better, cause we try to defend this existence. Every ant does so, [i watch them since months, when they are hurt or it's time to die they act just like a human. An actor can give a death scene better than any ant.], all people i know, i do, all dogs and cats i met do. That's probably instinct. Just we humans have other than ants, dogs and cats the option to get over it, we can act without being driven by mere instincts. But men, that's difficult. Because desire, aggression and delusion is so deeply rooted in our, or well at least in my mind. To eliminate the gross forms is quite easy, decision and action. [sais the expert of getting carried away by emotions :o)] Then there are finer forms and even more fine and sooo subtle that one may think there is no more root of desire, anger and delusion within me.
Last night i thought, as long as there is the disposition for desire, anger and delusion, there will be no equanimity, no peace. The mind has to be free from even this disposition, as for example a cows mind is free from the disposition to do tap dance, only then these defilements will not drive us.

some notes

2010-01-29T04:26:00.000-08:00

Here some small notes that i made the past weeks since i'm back from the forest and back on retreat.

The wasps in the door, short story: they had two entrances, one into the room one to the outside. I just plastered the whole to the inside with earth. Done.

The monk in versace slippes wants to be a venerable: hehehe. What would you say if a monk wearing versace slippers stands in front of you moving from one foot to the other saying: i'm a venerable too, you know, nobody treats me like venerable, but i'm monk, 15 years experience, i'm a venerable? I omitted the sentence: then behave act and think like a venerable, and released a compassionate soundin: 'oh'.

Kilesas, fears, anger, in this retreat everything comes up up strong. moments of peace only while sweeping.

No more pindabat in the kitchen. I was quite upset when i heard first that ajahn wanted me to go to the diningroom, but then he said, go there with your bowl you can take food and then go to your room to eat.
Well, going with bowl to the diningroom as mae chii is kind of, let say it neutral, something new. The first day people jumped out of my way and waied with palm together when they saw me, some whispered 'bhikkhuni', while the real bhikkhuni was already sitting at the table.
The other mae chiis put food in my bowl, served me and off i went. The second day people brought their camaras and took pictures, from the third day on it became routine. Now i go first to the diningroom for the blessing, then kitchen for food and then eat in my room. Men, the monks were staring at me ... As if i were a calf fromm the moon. Incredible

I mentiond whats gping on in the diningroom during report to ajahn. I said 'for me its no problem when people stare but i don't want the monks or bhikkhuni make feel when i come and am treated like a queen.' 'When it's not a problem for you then there is no problem.' was his short answer.

Saranee left, she said, 'i should not give you samaneriordination, it's not good for you, i have a bad reputation and you are a better monk then i am.'

Statements: a day before ajahns birthday, the room was full of monks, a layman who works in the kitchen came, went down to the knees and offerd me food in the middle of the diningroom then a young girl came running followed by an elder woman.

There is nothing worth clinging on to it. Not even dogs. Which doesn't mean i can't feel love for it.

Birthday, ajahn tong was here. I did chanting for a.s. Wrong in the first verse, wanted to give up but catched myself and continued chanting. Instead of 'Buddha' i realesed something that sounded like 'dubba'. Shock. For a break of a second i felt so much pressure that i wanted to stop and run away. My mind run wild, i know the chant sleeping, so relax and just do. My voice sounded more firm from than on.

A day later a man came and said my chant was so beautiful and moving, he had tears in his eyes.

Meanwhile everybody got used to the nun with the bowl. There was no uproar but there must have been discussions. Usually ajahn comes very late to the meals if he comes, twice he came so early that he could observe the offering chantings and blessings. I sat in meditation while the mae chiis and yogies chanted the taking 5 precepts for the donators and the offering chant and then chanted the blessing first silent with the monks and then with voice the nuns and yogies. I thought if i go with my bowl i cant chant the offering chant for myself ...
I was not rebuked and keep doing as i did. Slowly the tension is getting out.
I had the question in mind for those who thought what i do is not proper: 'where does it hurt?' but i didn't say anything.

Was told to have some metta for myself.

Am very, very tired. Don't want to meditate at all. More effort, ajahn sais, i don't have more. It's already expired at 2 in the morning when my first alarm rings. Sometimes i get up sometimes i hear '5 minutes' later the 3 a'clock alarm. When i get up then, i don't have metta for anybody.

Crisis: woke up thinking 'i will never become an arahant' and wanted to stay in bed all day long. Told it ajahn, he laughted 'so you know that you're not an arahant'? Funny bone, this ajahn.

Report with bhikkhuni, reflect on the 32 perfections of the buddha or concentrate on a point in my body, she recommends. Thats like a holiday after 2 years and 4 months observing the rising and falling of the abdomen for several hours per day.

Boooooring, since 2 years and four months noticing rising and falling of the abdomen, lifting and putting of the foot. Boooring, boring.

Fears, pains, anger, it comes in waves. When i'm short before finding some peace in my mind, i find an excuse to escape mentally.
I'm sleeping 5 or 6 hours and am extremely tired. Willpower is not strong.

Some moments of clearness but most times i have a numb mind, can't note well.

Pain, feet and legs are hurting so much that i wanted to give up. I told ajahn, i skipped some walking sessions cause of the pain, i wanted to move to a kuti with a wooden floor, wanted to run away, made constructionplans, travelplans etc. Later i knew that i'm just trying to escape from the present moment that sacres me so because there is no room for 'i' and 'mine'.
Ajahn just said: 'it's mental pain, not physical, get over it. Work more. More efford'. He's a real funny bone, did i mention that?

Trying to find equanimity, i found out that only indifference comes up, no real peace and letting go. There is this inner discussion about going to america or sri lanka. 2010 shall be the year of my bhikkhuni ordination, will this happen when i go to america? I have no more patience to sit here on the cushion and lose time. Then later anger about all this thoughts and hussle and knowing that ordination comes when time is ripe, no need to force things. When i'm about to calm down, pamm! Thoughts: yes but i want ... I need, i must ...
Silly nun.
Next round walking - walk it through.

wat tam dog tam

2010-01-08T23:42:00.000-08:00

Before we went i was told that i will have to stay like the monks in a hut of wood and leaves, no electricity, no phone. the drive was only a few kilometers from where we were, the car, a jeep, was stiffed with driver, 5 monks, 1 mae chii, a laywoman, bowls and luggage. Femals and luggage on the extra back seats, 4 monks on the back row, the boss next to the driver. Some of the monks knew me from last year or got used to me in the past days, they treated me like one of them, just another monk. Good!
When we arrived i was given a nice kuti, with bathroom inside and electricity. The mae chii who lived there left a while ago, she was too old and went back to her family.
The laywomen who came with us likes me. They say she can tell the future. For some reason she sees something great in me and wanted to see the kuti i stay in. Inside she told me she wants to build a kuti for me in the other forest monastery. I know meanwhile the relation of Thai’s to promises so i didn’t even react on this and just smiled friendly. Then she started to say prayers and explained that she is talking to the devatas, asking to protect me. She took me outside and started to talk with the trees and explained: when the leaves are shaking and trembeling the devas are coming to listen. The day was sunny and there was no wind. No moving leaves at all, she told me to put the hands together and look around in the trees. Then it was really strange, some leaves on some branches moved, they trembled while all others around remained still. Then we went to another tree and the same happened, it was a bit spooky, she asked the devas to protect me from all evil and men coming into my kuti. Then she went back home with the driver.
I’m not sure if anything would have been different without her asking the devas to protect me but I had a great time.
On the first day the villagers who came to the first Dhammatalk of this pariwara stared at me as if I were a calf from the moon. Probably I was the first mae chii farang the first wearing brown, the first who acted like a monk and not like a mae chii.
There was another mae chii with a young laywoman taking part. She wanted me to sneak out with them after the talk to go to the kitchen and chat, but I refused to go, sat there in meditation. Than tea for the monks was brought, and one of the monks who knew me told the novices who brought it to give to me, too and offer it properly as well. Some of the 19 monks looked a bit irritated, but those who knew me and the one who invited me gave the impression that it’s the most normal thing, that a mae chii gets tea with the monks - which is, according to my former experiences, absolutely not the case.
Next morning 4:30 h, the mae chii and the girl didn’t come to the chanting. After chanting some villagers brought some hot soup and the monks told them to give to me, too. I felt that some of the monks and some of the laypeople thought that this is not proper and I knew that they must have discussed the case, everybody was informed that I’m mae chii, not Bhikkhuni.
A laywomen asked if I went for chanting and where I am going to eat. I told that I will go on pindabat with the monks and went sweeping some leaves.
Short before it was time to go to almsgiving which was organized at the temple, the girl was sent to get me, the mae chii invited me to offer alms food to the monks with them. “No”, said I, “I go for alms as well”, “no” said the girl, and said thai-words I didn’t understand but I did understand the meaning, “ Oh, I don’t understand, but doesn’t matter, I go for alms”, once more she said something that must have meant something like: “don’t go on pindabat, come and offer food with us as it fits for a mae chii”, but I really didn’t understand and the bell was rung so I excused myself and got my bowl.
Only three of the villagers put some rice in my bowl, at least no uproar, I thought. But lots of food was prepared on a table and all monks and a nun were invited to take and the abbot himself observed that I took enough. I was the last in the row, First the monks in order of seniority, then novices, then I and after me the villagers. A following woman was wandering why I skipped most food, before I could answer the novice before me who knew me from the last pariwara said: “She eats vegetarian”. For some thais this is pure asceticism, a horror vision.
I went to my room, mixed everything and started eating when a novice passed and saw me eating out of my bowl, surrounded by a swarm of wasps which lived in the door that I had left open to let them fly out of the room where we had spend our first night together.
After washing my bowl I went to a platform with a Buddha statue on a hilltop to meditate. A group of visitors came, I heard voices of children, women and men so I didn’t feel any danger and kept sitting in meditation when they walked around rang the gong, talked about mae chee farang and left, than a group of samanens came saw me and left silent.
When I came to the evening chanting, the monks and lays had made up their mind: I am a Dhammayud monk. Some talked about me when I passed said: “skilled”. The abbot gave me a woolen hat in Dhammayud monks color and said “you can wear it”.
The Northern thaistyle chanting of paritas or the Dhamma is very fast. I know some of them or can at least follow, when chanted slowly, when it’s so fast as they do it here, I end up hyperventilating and with a knot in the toungh. But they saw me trying to follow and asked if I know the chants, “when done slowly, I can, some.” Next morning the chanting was done slowly and the leader with the mic stopped often, to hear if I’m chanting. The Abhidhamma was chanted, which I can follow quite good, hehe, and then the mangala- and the karania metta sutta, which I can follow as well. Now the last barriers were broken. And one monk took the microphone and said something like: “now we know mae chee farang really can do the chants”. (I have to admit that I only can follow, I couldn’t lead them.) He was so happy and kind of proud of me.
This morning and the following days my bowl was full of rice, everybody gave.
The next days passed quickly, I was one of the monks, the mae chee gave up to get me to the layfolks, I meditated on a wooden meditation platform which was located on a hill side a little hidden in front of a cave, it was wonderful. My barefoot walking influenced another monk and he started walking barefoot, too.
The last evening the girl came to ask my phone number. She wants to ordain somewhere and was, until then, student of the other present mae chee. The abbot had send the girl to ask me to teach her. I said she can come to the monastery where I stay and ordain there. See if she calls and comes. She will be a good nun, I guess, she is a shy Thai girl from the village, but has a devoted and courageous, good heart.
After that she followed me everywhere except to bed. We were sitting and talking with one of the monks, a Dr. PhD whom I met before but never spoke with. He said he is building a temple and meditation center and he wants me to be the teacher there in future. “The people will fever for you”, he prophesized. As I said, I learned not to pay any attention on such promises cause they will be broken. And, on top, it is absolutely exaggerated, but it was nice to hear, though.
In the end every monk had to say a few words, a local radio moderator gave the microphone to everyone. He passed me and I relaxed, but he came back and there was no escape, the mic was underneath my nose. With my three words Thai that I speak I tried to show my gratitude for the good treatment and chanted a blessing. Then they asked me to talk more in English, it was translated into Thai and finally the mic disappeared, pooooh!
Next morning, after breakfast, I went to say goodbye to some of the monks. Lompu Wen gave a little talk for me (in Thai) at one point I said “I don’t understand”, “doesn’t matter if you don’t understand, words are not important, you have a lot of metta and you understand with your heart”.

Phalañanī has to breath in and out mindfully, to acknowledge feelings like pride and excitement arise and disappear. Yes, they disappear. May I not be conceited, neither by thinking I’m great nor by thinking I’m low. May I grow into that what the monks saw in me there. May I grow in the Dhamma.

just another day

2010-01-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

Since some days i'm in phrao in the same monastery where i was last year taking part at the parivara. This time i came very late and only joined the last 2 days of this years parivara. But i stay for some more days enjoying the silence. [which was interrupted by 3 different karaoke-parties somewhere around in the area last night. :o)]
Here i have some luxury: washingmashine, warm shower, a house for me alone and as phra robert mentioned today, everybody seem to like me.
On the 3rd i will go with ajaan kasem to another, short parivara in a forest monastery where he stayed as a novice. We visited that temple twice, it's beautiful, with cave, a big buddhastatue, forest and view from the hill. It will be cold. Well, that's relative. Cold means 10 - 13 degrees in the morning, during the day it climbs up to 30. The wind then is experienced as a nice cool breeze and in the morning we are wearing woolen hats and vests and minimum worm blanket around the shoulders above the robes. Some monks are looking just like a pile of cloth and blankets when they sit for morning chanting. The brave ones take off the blanket from one shoulder and the hat for the beginning of chanting. The weaklings do not even move a toe out of the clothpile. I'm half-weakling, i take blanket and hat off, but wear a sweater and the nuns-blouse.
I'm practicing moderate and try to get some quality in meditation which i hadn't always had in all rounds in my meditation-determination-marathon the last months.
The body is changing. The more i lose wanting the more the neck is not pulling to the front. The tendency leaning to the left and the tention in the left shoulder comes from crumping the heart. I try to open it physically and mentally whith the result that all sorts of fears come up. Big and small, at daytime and in dreams. Was dreaming of losing my teeth, of waking up and be blind, of the earth losing it's solidity and dissolving underneath my feet etc.. Some month ago i didn't notice that my heart is crumping, then i noticed that i'm crumping it a few times per day. Lately i notice it every couple of minutes but once i turn away the attention from the heart, paff - tensed again.
In 'open' moments the world as it is is hard to bear. Everything, insects, people, animals, even the beauty of flowers and moments of happyness fill me with pity - a mixture of pity and love and knowing i can't help.

impermanence memorial

2009-12-30T02:19:00.000-08:00

The old year is ceasing a new one arises.
We're giving time the frame of seconds, minutes, hours, days, ... years and think thus we can manage time. HA! Ignorant. As if we had any influence on it. It's passing. That's it. As subject to ones perception it passes fast or slow.
Presence ... How long is a present moment? A day? A second? A breathlong a heatbeat? or just as long as it takes to turn from life to death? Zosh! Zummm! How many cells of the body die while one heartbeat?
I'm dying, I'm dying! Ahgrr!
:o)
Yes, a present moment is short. Some of the people i know will drawn this fact in alcohol tonight, waking up tomorrow with headace that makes them forget all the good intentions they had for the new year. And will have lost by doing so about 80.000 of their brain cells. Hehe.
And then wait for the next year to have some other good intentions.
You friends and family will not do so, will you? The time for a good intention, a good act is now. And now, and now ...
See a child carrying water in both hands from the watersource to the sandcastle. When it gets there all water has run out already - that's how we do, we try to carry time to build a nice sand castle and - oups! Time out.
May all who come to read this be happy in the present moment, free from suffering, now, and now and may you all have some good intentions and 'find the time' to replace the bad ones by the good.
Hody! Years are changeing.
Have a happy impermanence day.

2 ond noble truth

2009-12-22T19:14:00.000-08:00

Second noble truth
There is a reason for suffering and that is: craving to wanting, clinging on desires.
The reason for suffering has to be given up.
The reason for suffering is given up.
If one reads the suttas carefully, one can find that the Buddha made these 3 phases, 3 steps of progress for each of the noble truth. For example in the Dhamma-cakka-ppavattana-sutta. I was ignorant enough for many, many years and didn’t read carefully, I just skipped some lines which seemed to similar to read them entirely. Shameful I noticed my error some weeks ago and am glad that I have the chance to understand the 4 noble truth better now.
What is meant, or better what I understand is the following:
There are 3 kinds of wanting (craving, clinging, attachment).
The wanting of (the desire for, the attachment to) sensual pleasures, kama tanha. For example wanting tasty food; liking a certain smell; desire for touching and being touched and caressed; hoping to see something beautiful; daydreaming of meeting a beloved one, loving a certain music …
Sure, one needs food, without it one gets weak and dies, but any healthy food will do, it mustn’t be tasty. Although - the tasty food is not the problem, nor the wanting to eat to maintain the body, even to eat tasty food does not necessarily create suffering. But wanting the tasty food and craving for the tasty food, going for it, – this is where suffering starts.
Liking a smell of a flower which is growing somewhere and one passes by is not yet suffering but it may become suffering, when one goes for the smell, chases after it, buys similar perfumes, buys the same flower to be with the smell, then it turns into suffering.
That’s quite easy to understand. Everything that occurs at one of our sense doors, eyes, ears, nose, tongh, tactile sense is firstly jus what it is but might turn into an object of craving, wanting and hence may cause suffering.
There is bhava tanha, bhava is translated with becoming, being, the german translation is Daseinsprozess which for me seems to be a rather logical translation, it means: ‘being in the process of being’ or just being if one understands it as process and not as a fixum.
Then bhava tanha means: wanting it to be ... ‘it’ can be replaced by anything. Wanting to be happy, wishing to be rich, hoping the weather to be nice, wanting to become a Bhikkhuni, wanting to be enlightend, wanting to be slim and beautiful, liking it, wanting to be a strong meditator. any wanting to be and wanting it to be can be grouped here. LIKING!
Vibhava tanha is the opposite of it: wanting it not to be … If food is not tasty but one is attached to tasty food one wants it to be tasty and is hence suffering because it actually is not. Not wanting the pain meditation can cause, not liking the smell of the feet of the person meditating next to oneself, not wanting the mosquitoes to bite, etc. etc. DISLIKING!
It turns out that one is busy with one of the three tanhas (craving, attachment) whole day through. It’s either one or another, they are linked and can change quickliy. They are not completely different mind states, more different shades of an craving, attached mind state. Only when the mind calms down from meditation, when mind states become clearer and purer arising of ‘wanting’ is slowing down and finally eventually ceasing. Not that it is so already in my case …
I’m meditating on this since I wrote about the first noble truth and can tell you I don’t want to see all this wanting anymore. :o)
I will give up the wanting for becoming a Bhikkhuni in the very moment of my ordination. And for the rest - There are some moments throughout a day without any wanting, just walking, just breathing, whatever is on in those moments. It’s like learning to equilibrate a raw egg on a needle top, it rarely works but if it happens for some moments it’s “wow”, great (afterwards). Interesting noting, when there is no wanting at all then there is no experience of “I”, neither.
I could give up the wanting to be perfect enlightened now and found that the last words my teacher told me when he left last year “Learn patience!” are eventually the most profound teaching he could give me.
For one month I served the guest teacher and the translator with tea and honey, juices, soymilks etc. in the evening, greedy staring at all the good things Ajaan receives, noticing ‘wanting, wanting’, using the tea bags I have 1 for 3 mugs, sometimes hungry and weak leaving the Ajaans with their nice drinks, hoping to be eventually offered some honey (never happened). Now, two or three weeks later I happen to serve the Bhikkhuni with a drink that the kitchen gives out in the afternoon, yet hungry at that time myself I don’t have a desire to take a drink for me (except on the first day, I didn’t reflect on it and took a drink as well but now I do not anymore because it is not offered).
A story of success? Oh, noooo …
I don’t want to lose my teeth and the ability to go to toilet alone in old age and am attached to the hot water kettle Nadya gave and teabags my sister has sent, the monks blanket, the phone and notebook …
It seems that wanting loses its power just by observing it, by not giving it much attention, by just going back to the rising and falling of the abdomen or any other sensation that arises.

funeral faire

2009-12-21T00:16:00.001-08:00

A “high” monk of Chiang Mai died some days ago and the 4 days of funeral ceremonies were held. I went twice, to a Dhammatalk Ajaan Tong gave and last night to the last ceremony and cremation. Ajaan Tong talked about the Satipathana Sutta. We went as whole group to greet him and another “high” monk which I never met before. It was funny, Ajaan Tong who usually walks guided by one or two people suddenly jumped up and arranged the group around the other monk. Then we bowed, he said some friendly words and back we krept. On my way back I passed Ajaan Tong and prostrated to him and in the end his eyes were catching mine and he looked at me long, again and then nodded, as if to confirm something to consent. Ajaan Tong is special. His gace and consent is uplifting. In the beginning I cried when I met him, for an hour after the first meeting. Some may see the weak old body and not notice the radiance. When he looks into the eyes of somebody it can’t let one unmoved.
Yesterday we went at 9 in the morning and I expected a short excursion, it turned out to be a long day, we went back at about 9 o’clock at night. Here the highlights of the day: I was standing and watching the imposing coffin pagoda, a 15m high wooden structure in form of a bird with elephant head, covered beautifully with colorful paper, I was wearing my mae chii robes and a monkssize blanket of the same material to keep me warm around the shoulders, an official which I remembered to be employed in the Buddhist office approached, “oh oh”, I thought “to jail for wearing something that looks eventually like a monksrobe” … but I was invited to sit with the honored group of Buddhistoffice employees, all men and women in white uniforms with some brass.
Then the Bhikkhunis from Nirodharam came and were guided to the monks tribune by one of the female Buddhist office highranks. The monks had to move aside a bit to give room to the Bhikkhunis.
Then some monks with rank and name came, the crowd prostrated etc., the somdet was guided by all Buddhist office officials to his place. One of them went to the speakers corner and started his speech by greeting the fourfold community of Bhikkhu, Bhikkhuni, laymen and laywomen. What a happy day! A Buddhist office official greets Bhikkhunis, just imagine that.
After lunch it was quite boring until 8 at night, the time for the cremation. Some people tried to talk to me, which always was short because of my very limited Thai. Most of them saw that I’m mae chii, but some thought I’m Bhikkhuni. “No, not yet, next year I will be.” I said. Since I met Ajaan Tong 2 days before I’m convinced it will be so. May it hold true.
At 8 pm the bird-elephant in which somewhere the dead monk must have been hidden was set on fire with spectacular fireworks. Some people are funny, they wait for hours to see a cremation, but rush away before it really starts just to be the first at their car. Many thousands people came to see the cremation.

home???

2009-12-15T00:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was questioned by the Bhikkhuni here about my plans. I told her of some options, like: ordaining, America, Sri Lanka, to stay where I am etc., that I presently don’t know what to do next. I told that I could be of help for the center here as well as in America or anywhere else.
She said: “or have an own center?” “Yes,” I said, “why not, in some years, I need to learn more first, I can give good Dhammatalks for beginners already as I noticed but not for advanced people so I need to study and practice more. And if, it will be in Spain, probably.” She mentioned that they have land here to set up a center but are in need of a monk or a nun to go there, … but someone with supporters to build kuties and a viharn …
So this is no option for me.
She said that a nice luxorious kuti as I have it now here is adequate for a woman of my age, getting from one place to another is for the younger ones, not convenient for someone who practices for the higher paths.
Then I washed my robes and blanket when I was putting the blanket to dry on a rope where the Bhikkhuni usually dries here robe (and she allowed me to dry mine there as well). I was talking with Nadya, suddenly she disappeared in the middle of the sentence. Later I understood why. She’s just cleverer and faster than I am. A certain monk came scolding me for putting my blanket on the Bhikkhuni’s rope … ouuu! mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. As everything was already swept and the flowers watered, there was not much more to complain, so he left and Nadya came out of her hideout laughing.

forest, forest nun

2009-12-14T23:59:00.000-08:00

Back from the forest since two days, back to internet today. 6 people and a teacher and a lot of defilements there in the forest.
What for to leave the room and meet people?
To be yelled at, to become someone else’s personal object of hatred, to be sucked in other peoples tragedies, and to be told of the faults of all other people around?
I learned: when a woman is practicing Gurudevotion, I should just not get in her way.
It was a nice forest, though. I practiced on a marvelous terrace above my room, the room was full with furniture, so I could not practice there, no door to close behind me. Close the sense doors phalañani.
After almost one year I met my preceptor. It was a pleasure meeting him. I could sit during report what I appreciated very much but which caused some suffering for others.
After some days I was very much surprised to hear that he agreed in my Bhikkhuni ordination and then coming to America. Eventually, I should go there for 2 months or so in january already and then to Sri Lanka for ordination. If it holds true and I really can ordain there next june. We’ll see.
Becoming Bhikkhuni, going to America or Sri Lanka, being made someone’s enemy, being someone’s friend, living in nice forests or shabby hut ... does it really matter, does it really exist other than as impurities of mind, illusions, just thoughts. I told Eric and I should remember: "What are our thoughts? Important? They are as important as farts. They may cause pain and suffering for a while, can be really bothering and bad smelling - but then they're gone. There is no sense in holding on to them. To neither :o)
Is a person who stands in front of another crying, yelling: “I need to see Noah, now! Accusing herself for all the bad she’s done, accusing me to hate her to follow after her, mentioning that her live is not worth to be lived, calling me sweet and good the next moment, then accusing me again and so on, is it a real danger? For whom? I managed to cool her down twice that night, and to wait until next afternoon to see the teacher instead of running there in the middle of the night. Next day: “I’m not talking to you again!!! And then I was told about the shitsophreny of one companion and the complete incapacity to do anything alone of another. “I need Noah, I need Noah.” From then on I tried myself not to meet her or excused myself after some friendly words. But there was only one small way through the womensection and we had the same direction to get food or to go to report and I was always outside. I will not tell more details.
Am I compassionate or an idiot when I tell the teacher what I see and hear? A compassionate idiot probably, a silly nun. Am I responsible or denunciating when I talk about peoples true intentions to do or not do something when I know them. Do I want to make me look better or is it a duty to the teacher to tell him what’s going on? There is this rule, that one should not try to hide one another’s faults … how far does that reach? It is very sensible and requires people who want to strive in the same direction and have fairly the same understanding of the Lord Buddha’s teaching. If not, quarrels are programmed, as it seems.
I tried to be pure at heart and acted and spoke with good intentions but at least once, I noticed that I’m speaking with sarcasm which implies kind of anger and which is not proper.
Conclusion after sleeping over it:
I‘m sorry to cause someone trouble just by being, I’m not welcome to come to America by at least one person and if I go to America I will eventually cause her more suffering then she already feels. She wants become a Theravada nun and will not accept me as her older sister. “The ordination is my life, Noah is all I have, I need him.”
I should consider not to go or if, not to go for much more than to see my sister and some Bhikkhunis, as I seem to be more flexible where and with whom I stay.

after some meditation

2009-11-18T22:03:00.000-08:00

Some meditation in the solitude of my room was needed to see more cleary about the Bhikkhuni-ordination-question.
What happened so far:
I found a very nice Lady in Sri Lanka who wants to promote my aspiration for Bhikkhuni ordination but, said she I need letters of support to convince the elders to give me full ordination and accept my mae chii hood as the required samaneri time of 2 years. Which in exceptions can be done.
So far, so good. I cryed some tears of joy about this mail and started asking monks to give me letters. The first request already was torn down by some arguments I really understand and I was invited to come to america and help to set up a meditation center there. That was the first reason why I ordained and why I came to Thailand. So why not go to America to do it there?
I cried again, when my request for a letter was denied and needed to meditate and find equanimity.
It might be a bad moment to ask Thai monks to help me with Bhikkhuni ordination, so I stopped asking for letters for now and will wait for another moment. Patience … the waves after the happenings in the Thai sangha about full ordination of women have to calm down.
Many thoughts arouse. Yes, the keeping 8 precepts is a wonderful practice for laypeople. They are trainingrules and if one ever breaks one, it doesn’t matter so much. Just try to do it better next time. No commitments, no punishments, no other then self control. This would be really IT, if people would take it more serious and would really try to keep them. But actually nobody does and nobody expects that one does. I talked with Ajahn about eating in the evening of nuns (in general, not accusing anyone) he said “well, for them it’s ok, for us” – and I was very grateful that he seemed to include me in this – “it is not”. Some try to smash mosquitoes while giving precepts even. (I saw monks and nuns doing it)
I’m in a good mood to just disrobe and go somewhere to set up a small meditation center on my own, creating a new form of Buddhist followers, the Buddhamaggikapugalla (don’t know if this would be the correct pali word for people who follow the Buddhas path), people who honestly keep the rules which make sense to keep in modern life, for men and women same rules and same treatment in case of breaking – compassionate rebuking after confession.
I will leave Thailand for now, soon. But remain in robes … Hope to be able to go to Sri Lanka and spend some time with Bhikkhunis there. Then, if I will get a visa, I’ll set off for America and check if it’s true what I was told: there is not much of a difference between monks and nuns in treatment and support and that people willing to keep rules are needed there to give people who are open to Buddhism some faith.
Departure needs some preparation and it may take some time .

to all

2009-11-11T05:18:00.000-08:00

After a few days of keeping silence about the bhikkhuni-trouble, even in mind, and after a trip to the monastery where i spent my first parivara, i'm back to town.
It was sooo good to be in the forest again. Before i went i got sick a little but there, in nature, it dissapeared.

There was a very, very sick dog. Don't know what kind of desease it got. So much suffering. It got blind and can't move the legs, moving must be painful. We fed it with the meat we received and it was so grateful. But at one point i thought for the poor being it would almost be better to be left alone, dying. trying it to keep it alife with this desease must be torture.

@ anonymus
May your practice and your keeping the 8 precepts lead you to the end of suffering. All the best for you.

@ budd tcw ha
Our connection seems to be quite good, i received your message before you've sent it and started to keep silence about this topic even in mind. Yes, too much opinion, too much akusala. May it be as it is and come what may.

@branko
Thank you, dear, understanding and good wishes are very much appreciated.

@tinh quang
I wait for your mail. on fb? And hope you are very well. How is not-self doing :o)

@ manfred
I wrote a looong answer to your comment but deleted it then. Enough i said. But thank you for you comment.
Hast du mal in einem der kloester ajahn chah's practiziert? Warst/bist du moench?

robe and bowl

2009-11-05T19:51:00.000-08:00

the following i wrote as an answer to a monk i know when he was suggesting to give nun robes and bowls. as it took me so long to write it on the mobile, i'll use it as a post here as well:

Your idea about giving us nuns bowls and robes is not bad, but ...
It's not suitable in real life. Monastic life runs on the conventional level, you have enough experiance with it. There is moha, dosa and lobha involved, it's being in samsara.
Generally nuns serve and work for the monks and after that they are allowed to give them merits.
Thai nuns do most times not want to have bowls and don't like, same as many monks, the aspect of having to go on almsround.
There are exeptions, of course, amongst Thaiwomen and foreign nuns - of which i'm one.
I have a bowl and wear a brown robes [both mae chi stile, this small zorro-cape-like and a monksrobe] and do go on almsround.
Presently i stay in a city monastery and go at least to one nun and the kitchen for alms. Outside is not allowed because even the monks don't go on pindabat outside the monastery.
My brown robe is accepted most times but the monksrobe has to be worn hidden. Outside of the monastery i'm in danger to be arrested if i wear it. Once i was rebuked by an hysteric monk for wearing brown. Your suggestion to just wear the robes is not realizable hear in thailand, unless you have good advocats and enough money.
I'm not the one who fights for female rights in buddhism the only fight fought by me shall be for nibbana.
Even if one could wear the same robes as monks - non of the monks would accept a nun as for anything else then now, to serve, work, making merits.
They would not want to loose some of their donators to the receivers side and to have to share their donations with women.
Why 8 precepts and not 10,?That would make nuns at least similar to novices. Then the nuns can't give merits anymore. Simple reason.
Again, there are exeptions, some monks are really understanding and helpful. That's why i'm still in robes.
The lay-people are ready for bhikkhunis out of my experiance, some of those i had the chance to talk with have high hopes that bhikkhunis can bring back monastic disciplin and they are upset and annoyed by the behavior of monks but do not dare to stop making merits to them.
I do have the aspiration to become bhikkhuni one day. But definately not for the prize of a split in the sangha, not for propaganda or feministic motives.
Just to live the holy life.
The life of which the Buddha said it leads to freedom from suffering.
Most monks do not see that the patimokkha is a juwel, they wear it like a burden, not like a crown. They have forgotten that meditation is to see clearly and to find liberation and not to get the missing hours of sleep [meditation during ceremonies] or just a little unconvenience that makes chanting longer then necessary.
some of the nuns and, yes, some of the monks as well, honestly strive for nibbana, try to be worthy ones.
The monks don't have to worry, they are supported, even if they break the rules.
But the nuns, ... we can use the soap and toothpaste monks leave behind ...
I was told be happy not to have so much bothering rules, to be happy with 8, because i'm allowed much more things to do. Then i was asked to do some gardening, like cutting branches and put flowers in earth.
But i deeply understand why the Buddha made the rules of not digging soil not breaking even grass and can't do tat anymore. I understand the danger of touching money and making bowlhords or storage of food.
And so on and so on.
Nuns are supposed to do all the things monks can not do. And when one doesn't do, one is a lazy parasite of the community.
So, how liberation should be possible for a nun?
There are lots of examples why just wearing monksrobes and having a bowl is not enough to grant the same chances to live the holy life for nuns.

It's very upsetting, that modern skilled monks like Dhammanando stick more to the letter then to compassion. I had hoped to find a supporter in him.

It seems, every rule can be broken without shame, except those which would enable a nun to live the holy life.
Maybe a new buddhist monastic lifeform has to be installed for those, men and women, willing to live according to the principles. Equal rights, equal obligations, equal rules, equal robes and equal treatment in case of breaking rules, then name it as you wish and let men and women who seriousely strive for nibbana live in seperate but not to far seperated communities and help eachother to live as the Buddha told.

Equality on conventional level is out of reach and equality on ultimate level is not necessary to be mentioned.

under shock

2009-11-05T00:45:00.000-08:00

Some hours later ...
I happen to read about the latest ongoings after a bhikkhuni ordination took place in australia, with help of ajahn brahm and ajahn sujato.
I came to read ajahn sujatos blog, here is the link:
http://sujato.wordpress.com/

Ajahn brahm has been expelled from Wat pah pong for enabelling bhikkhuni ordination and the english branch of wat pah pong under ajahn sumedho has reacted in a blameworthy manner, well, and not to speak about the reaction of many thai ajahns at and related to wat pah pong, they were the initiators of the campain against ajahn brahm.

It was a sad day for the Buddhist world. A sad day. The Dhamma was mistreated. The women blamed.
The doors to development of a pure, openminded and modern buddhism in the west has been closed.

I'm not sure yet what to do. We do not belong to wat pah pong and the ajahn chah sangha.
Our ajahn is open to bhikkhuni ordination, although he cannot dare to openly promote it.
I feel like leaving thailand, disrobing and find a cave or a hut somewhere where i can practice true buddhism without getting involved with any monastics who are trampeling the lord Buddhas teaching with their feet.
I will wait for ajahn to come back to see his reaktion on all this.

If anyone who reads this knows a cave or a hut where i could stay and try to survive by going on almsround and teaching meditation, do not hesitate, let me know.
...
Ahh, no! Cave sounds great for a from-the-world-misunderstood little silly nun but is not suitable for a woman according to the Buddha. A hut then. or another place with door and lock.

I could ordain as katholic nun instead, they at least try to be open. :o)
And many of the dhammatalks for the lay i have the chance to hear are the same, if you do evil you go to hell, if you do good, you go to heaven.
No, i'm kidding!
at this center are no Dhammatalks, at least not for the foreigners unless i give one and mine are short and about meditation and mindfulness.
Yes, polemic.
The Dhammatalks given here for the laity in thai are quite profound - from what i'm translated.

I should close the door to my room again, through away my mobile and practice meditation until i can proof that a lay person who becomes an arahant dies within one day or seven days after attaining nibbana. King milinda asked about that ... And here in thailand is said 7 days after becoming an arahant one will die if one is not fully ordained.
My bet is: 'I' will die the very same day. And if the body is still alive or not is not so very important anymore then.
This is not the reason why i feel i need to be a bhikkhuni, i don't fear death so much, sickness and old age are much more inconvenient.
Dying is just one moment in a process of arising and ceasing of many diffrent processing sensations. But living ... Well, as said earlier, 'there is suffering'. And altough it is understood, it still is.
november 1st was a sad day for buddhists, for women, for the pure and genuine Dhamma.
may the ajahns of wat pah pong who created this shism in the sangha by chasing out ajahn brahm be reborn in thailand as women with the aspiration to live the holy life. and may the australien new independent sangha be growing in harmony.

Bhikkhuni ordination ...

2009-11-04T19:15:00.000-08:00

For one happy day i had thought i had found someone who was willing to give me bhikkhuni ordination after 2 years being mae chii, which would be next summer, accepting my being mae chii as the samaneri-time.
What a joy at heart!
I was ready to pack my robe and bowl to leave to sri lanka.
Next morning the dream was over. It was just an illusion. As actually everything is. Disenchantment.
But disenchantment is kind of a helpful state for someone who wants to see clearly. One looks at situations as they really are.
This is a mens world. Monks are men. And most of them are too busy with other things and don't find the time to study the Dhamma, Abhidhamma and read the vinaya, so they are not to blame that they don't understand.
Just a stupid coincidence that they are in a position to rule and control womens affairs.

a break

2009-11-04T19:13:00.000-08:00

Another break. Loi kratong, the light festival is over and i finished my retreat, so far.
For a week or so i will rest and meditate much less.
A funny story happend ...
A new monk is giving instruction to the foreign newcomers. I noticed a couple of differences between his instruction and the original of this temple and managed somehow to kindly tell this monk that he is not instructing according to the temples norms - without him getting angry.
Yesterday i gave my usual dhammatalk to the new people and was expecting the monk would come back afterwards but he didn't. so i kept on going with the next set of instruction the meditation and noticed another difference between the monks way of instructing walkingmeditation and the original. Next morning i informed the monk about the mistake.
He was sure he was right and i wrong and left me mildly smiling standing where i was.
Later he met me and angry asked if i showed it wrong to the new meditators and if so, i had to go to them, apologize and tell them to do as he said.
After meditating so much the last months i was rather unmoved by this and ready to go and apologize although i was 100% sure that i was right. But i had no intention to fight for it. So i said we should do it as ajahn sais and consult him when he is back from his trip. mildly smiling i went away.
Then, short later he had met another monk who did the job earlier and asked him about walking meditation. When we next met he admitted that he made a mistake.

P.s.: next morning. The monk came with some soap [which is very welcome] and asked for forgiveness.

first noble truth

2009-11-01T06:28:00.000-08:00

First noble truth
There is suffering, dukkha [pali].
Suffering has to be understood.
Suffering is understood.
This is the beginning of the buddhas first teaching after his enlightenment.
Suffering is inherent in everything - even in situations of happyness, because they are impermanent and not obedient to our will, out of control.
Sickness, old age and death are suffering.
Not to become what one wants, become what one doesn't want is suffering.
Not to have what one wishes to have, have what one does not wish to have is suffering.
To be away from people one wants to be with, to be with people one doesn't want to be with is suffering.
The range of suffering is wide, from almost not noteable to unbearable and everything in between.
One meets a beloved friend after a long time, pure happyness. ? One may not yet notice the suffering because one is busy taking pictures to always keep this moment in mind ,it's so sad to be away from each other after meeting ... Suffering, isn't it?
Of course there are grosser sufferings, then one cries, laments, gets angry, upset, sad, furious etc. accusing others or fate that it is as it is. These states we note easily and learned more or less to live with it. they are all dukkha.
Sometimes one is just overwhelmed by suffering. One yells, freaks out is loosing control, beats others, kills, suicides.
In any of these cases one is taking it personal. My fate, my anger, my unhappyness, my miserable situation ... i don't like, i just hate, i want, i wish i could ... I suffer! Always!
Is that so?
Here an example of latest insights:
5 m away from the room i stay in they are constructing since a month now. It is really noisy. I could have gone somewhere, where it's more quiet but decided to just keep practicing in my room as usual.
I could easy have felt anger and could have suffered because these workers bothered me so much.
But they didn't mean it personal.
It's just that workers were there, money for the salery was availible, tools, mashines and material was brought, the place was there - conditions that made a construction possible.
With or without me present. It has nothing to do with 'me'. There was a body noting rising, falling, sitting, hearing, a mind recognizing, thinking, acknowledging ... But that's another story.

That i was there as well, was a result of past karma. [and not really bad karma, i bet, because i was fortunate enough to learn out of this] again a nother story.

Construction sites are impermanent, tomorrow they finish.

light

2009-10-30T18:01:00.000-07:00

As if i was on a noisy colerful faire, had enough of it and went to a cave where, so i was told by going through entirely i would find perfect peace.
I walked deeper and deeper into the cave, sometimes - scared i ran back, even back out to the faire, just to find out that a faire is nothing for me. Deeper in the cave it's calm sometimes, no sound no light from the outside comes here. Some places are illuminated by a mysterious glimmering light, inviting to stay, giving light to many very interesing things in the chamber of the cave, pretending this is it, the goal, the end of search. But by further examination it comes clear: this is not the goal.
So further again, through the tunnels of this cave, deeper and deeper. the way back impossible to go. The way ahead? Who knows.
Many people enter such a cave. Some turn back half way through and teach the world some half way truth. Some go back and boost how brave the have been. Many stay in one of those chambers with glimmering light, honestly thinking this is It. Few get to the other end and out there to freedom of suffering.
...
May i have the strength to go on, further, forth, out of the darkness into the light of nibbana.

endless ...

2009-10-29T06:51:00.000-07:00

On retreat again. Difficult! Very difficult.
I can concentrate resp. be mindful just 40 -45 minutes, no matter how much i determine not to move for 60 minutes, i start moving, jumping up etc. Since some days now. Lots of time while meditation wasted with drowsiness. Not thinking very much more just sitting there dump.
I'm definitely escaping, or at least trying to. Don't want to meditate anymore at all. It's boooooooring. 12 hours rising and falling of breath or lifting, moving, etc., daydreaming: forbidden, thinking: too tired. Sweeping and report are the only entertainments. Well, and writing blog. [shouldn't write]
the task i choose is eventually too difficult. Eradicate liking and disliking or greed and hatred or dosa and moha or however you name it.
It's what has to be done, of course. But phalañani is just a little nun and silly, not to forget.
... Ahhhrg!!
want my mama, want my dog, a little greed a little anger, what does that matter? Rest, rest, sleeeeep.
No!
I have no idea, honestly, how i get this body out of bed at two in the morning and make these feet walk.
One week no vomits, at least ... One more week, then kitchen team changes, everything is impermanet.
These boring states of agonie as well. Eyes shut, phalañani and go through.

strong woman

2009-10-26T22:54:00.000-07:00

Mother is o.k., the surgery was without problems and that what was suspected to be cancer turned out to be harmless.
:o)
Second time i didn't need to go to germany. Relief. I would have gone in both cases without hesitation and complaints [do i say now, not going].
My mothers spouse gets along with the dog-i-love quite well although he, the spouse, can hardly walk.

I took chance to meditate either on metta [loving-kindness] for my mother or on impermanence and the suffering that results of old age and sickness and impressed myself with coolness about the ongoings. Only a week or two ago i cried like a child because i can't help my mother [i didn't knew by then, that she was not well and was more concerned about not being able to help her to get out of samsara]. Now i was clear and calm but prepared to act.

The plans to travel and be around and about while ajahn is not here changed. I just went one afternoon to met some people i know. It was nice to meet them, but i felt i have nothing to do out there in this world. In a place, where i was waiting i saw a part of a computeranimated movie, something like mars attacs goldengatebridge was destroeyed. Saw just a minute, but it was not easy not to be sucked into it. I used to like such computeranimated movies.
I'm still attached to movies, to orange superkitchy sunsets, dogs ...
So, I'm better on retreat again.

for tinh quang

2009-10-26T22:50:00.000-07:00

Dear tinh quang,
sorry, that's written since long but i dont find the comment to add it there.

Very good to hear from you! And thank you very much for your compassion. It does good to know on the other side of the world someone cares.
yesterday the kitchenteam changed and the next two weeks i will receive garlic free food, i'm promised. I go with my almbowl to the kitchen and eat what i get. It's ok.
Yesterday i had a bowl full of fruit for lunch and today rice and fried egg. Another nun sometimes comes and brings some snacks sometimes.
As soon as i can go out to the village for almsround it will be better i guess. before i came here, to this monastery, i had no problems with thai-food.
If ever possible i will not eat after 12:00 h but lately i often take soymilk in the afternoon.
I wrote that right after receiving your comment. Now since vomits since then.

I will not, like you did, take a bodhisattva vow. in theravada we look for own enlightenment first, that's difficult enough, but on the way i hope to be able to touch and teach many people and help as much as possible beings to find the path which leads towards the end of suffering.

I send you a long, warm, sisterly hug and rejoyce in your luck to be bhikkhuni now.

die mam

2009-10-23T23:19:00.000-07:00

My mother is in hospital, this morning i received the message from my aunt. A heart surgery, they have to put a bypass and to do another operation. I don't have detailed information now but prepare to leave to germany to help when she comes out of hospital.
Presently i wait for news and info wether to go or not.

We are, indeed, fragile and tomorrow, indeed, death may come.

grumpy nuns

2009-10-23T23:15:00.000-07:00

Grumpy nuns
Before i came here to this monastery i thought i will never be able to be amongst these grumpy old nuns for 3 month, now after 3 month and a half i know: most of these nuns are wonderful beings and the grumpy one - that's me.

I had an appointment to talk about future with Ajahn, it was done quick: 'you can stay' he said, that was it.
The bhikkhuni showed a little bit enthusiasm when i mentioned i will probabely stay [but don't give up the forest entirely for now].
Where- and whenever i find a place to ordain as bhikkhuni, afterwards i will be welcomed to stay here.

Someone accused me i only want to become a bhikkhuni to get a higher seat and better food.
If this was or will be my motivation for bhikkhuni ordination then i would really not be worth it.
Yesterday i heard that wanting to be bhikkhuni is wanting to make politics and fight for womans liberation.
Well when i was 16 i read articles of alice schwarzer, the german feminist and fought for womens rights, with 20 i was through with it, more or less ...
I just want to be a bhikkhuni and sit somewhere to strive for nibbana, with the blessings and privileges and rules and burdens of a fully ordained person, because the buddha said that's the way to freedom of suffering.
Life is short, tomorrow death may come, who knows.

kathina

2009-10-13T03:45:00.000-07:00

Kathina ceremony is done and we can go back to routine. In my case it means meditation, meditation.
Ajahn tong came to attend our ceremony but he was weaker than last time, stayed short and didn't give much blessings. I was lucky and somehow was kneeling between our ajahn and ajahn tong and on one side i received a 'tock' with the fan on my head and from the other side i was showerd with paritta-blessed water.
The trip to the forest and the ceremonies made my loose equanimity a bit. Before the trip i had very little thoughts during meditation and 3 - 4 hours sleep was really enough, i was happy and peaceful. Now thinking is back and i need 6 - 8 hours sleep, don't even hear alarm clocks.
Mind is ok, just not tranquil but body is quite bad since more then one week.
mindful vomiting. Can't just be the garlic that causes troubles.
But i don't want to speak or think about it anymore. I go with my almsbowl to the kitchen, give a blessing and eat what i receive, sometimes i vomit, sometimes not. I break the rule of not keeping food and gather fruits 2 - 3 days until i have enough for an entire meal.
So far i don't have signs of being malnutritioned and i still have some multivitamins, so i will eventually survive :o)

long time

2009-10-13T03:42:00.000-07:00

Long time since last entry.
Meanwhile the vassa is over tomorrow we will have kathina ceremony, today we already have hundreds of people here, it's a busy coming and going, as soon one leaves the room, one stumbles over people. For the amount of people around it's estonishing silent.
Tonight we have a first ceremony.
I was at the forest for two days it was wonderful. The dogs are not in best shape but ok., the puppy almost freaked out when it saw me. It howeld, jumped and peed whenever it saw me.
The mother dog was quiet. This dog has seen and understood suffering and is taking it with humble dignity. It's an incredible dog.
For about one week i thought i would travel to germany and already informed the family but now it turnes out that i will not go. The organizer can not pay 4 flights, only 3 and there are not enough rooms. And to be honest, they don't really need me there, people nowadays speak english and ajahn as well.
Not to go to germany gives me time to visit some friends and other monasteries. I'm just sorry for my mum because she was so happy to see me.
I'm now oficially invited to stay here and continue practice hopefully i can speak about future before he goes to germany. See if he really will support me for being bhikkhuni.

good idea

2009-09-27T19:31:00.000-07:00

HA! Haha. So stupid and blind ... I tryied to get rid of attachments and things or begings i'm attached to.
WRONG
There is nothing to get rid of. how could that be forgotten.
'Getting rid of' is a violant act hurting everybody involved.
Nobody can't get rid of anything.
Just, when attachment arises it has to be noticed through mindfulness, transformed into non-attachment through restraint, concentration or wisdom, and in the best case remain transformed through understanding.

just to have mentioned

2009-09-26T12:50:00.001-07:00

With telling i didn't feel anger about the ride in the bus, the noise, the rulebreaking, being squeezed in, etc., i don't want to claim that i have mastered dosa [anger, disliking, hatred], not at all.
It comes up often enough to know i have a lot of work to do. For instance when some little mean ants are biting my legs while meditation.
Fear is rooted in dosa, and although i lost my panic about spiders in size of my palm or about scorpions, i can't say i am without fear.

attached

2009-09-26T12:30:00.000-07:00

Last night was the hardest night since long. At least since i was sitting in front of the buddhastatues crying and taking farewell of the world because i thought i was dying.
Last night i realized that i can't help my mother, my brother and sister and dog. Especially mother and dog ... I feel so responsable for them and want to help them. How nice.
But it's selfish clinging. Tztztz.
It's not that they can't live without me, rather i can't live without them. What is the wish to help - the wish to control. Same as the worries the other day.
The point is not to not love them, but to love them in a way without clinging.

instruction

2009-09-26T12:27:00.000-07:00

Oh, oh, the instructor asked me to help him with a swiss and a japanese girl, to check if they understood everthing and explain some about meditation, he wanted to come later.
I started to explain, the instructor came back, but had me continue, when we were in the middle of checking walking meditation, he interrupted.
No problem so far, i expected that he will take over. His snatching back his meditation cushion while saying 'enough mae chii, you can go', was a little weird, though.
What i had not expected was the reaction of the girls. They got up, almost yelling NO!, the japanese said, 'i go with you, i want to follow your instruction, i dont stay with him', both their cushions in hands.
What to do, what to do?
The swiss girl was ready to go, he asked harsh 'where do you go?' 'please practice with him', said i when i left the room.

Happy birthday

2009-09-23T04:43:00.000-07:00

Today we went to the pre-celebration of ajahn Tongs birthday which is tomorrow - we'll go again.
Two hugh busses, some vans and several cars full of monks, nuns and laypeople.
I was sitting with some other nuns in a bus full of lay.
Laypeople and me, that's like water and oil, you can't mix it. Like the sun and the moon, the don't come together. Like a round pot and a square cover, it doesn't fit.
They were happy to be able to break rule of not talking, they wanted to break the rule of not listening to music and turned radio on, but the driver turned it off, fortunately!
Monks birthday parties are always the same. Sitting, chanting, kreeping [for the laypeople], sitting, ... the more important the monk, the more people are present. Ajahn Tong has the monastery full of people for 3 days.

Next day same procedure. On the way to chom tong i was squeezed in between the window and a rather big [weight 3 times me] woman who had fallen asleep. Some month ago this would have been tourture for me, horror, now i kept cool, watched my breath and was wondering why i was not angry or displeased. i tried to be mindful all day and failed sometimes.
In the afternoon i was almost kicked knock out, because ajahn Tong through little coins wrapped in colorful material into the audience, as i was sitting quite close many coins came in my direction. i was the last one around who remained seated, the others krept, with a hush of hystery, on the floor trying to catch coins. Then two people realized that i don't catch and that there are some coins underneath and around my chair. In that moment i was just a bothering obstacle which had to get out of way, no matter what. a usually peaceful lady pushed me aside and started diving between the chairs, butt up. After getting all coins, must have been 5 - 6, she realized that her butt was in a half fallen nuns face and with a shy excuse she dissapeared.
I took two coins which had fallen onto my laps.
On the way back the bus was full and about 20 people nun included, had to wait an hour for another bus to come. Apart from those detailes, the ceremonies were really nice and it was an honor and a pleasure to be present and close to the radiant, great monk Ajahn Tong.

news ticker

2009-09-21T18:04:00.000-07:00

News ticker:
- after talking with the mae chii mentioned here, i'm given garlic-free food again. Mae chii sukjai's special task. in fact, there are still two bhikkhunis staying here, they just don't eat in the diningroom. so the kitchen nuns don't prepare food just for me, which makes it easier for me to deal with this extra-service.

- the kitchen nuns are so much better at heart then i will ever be.
May i learn humbleness and be worthy of their help.

- dear shinmei dokujo i answer your here: no, i don't feel like copeing. But i meditate enough not to stir up in mind. I won't change thaiculture, thaiwomen have to do it themselves.

- i make people cry ... A girl asked for a blessing, when i finished she had tears in her eyes; another girl cryed while i gave her instruction and later everytime she spoke with me and another girl's eyes were full of tears when i gave a dhammatalk about buddhist basic knowledge.

- pawn, a very tough thaiwomen, 'not scared of anything', comes when she sees me and either kneels down or hugs me and sais 'i love you', i love you, your my mother'.
it would be eventually o.k. if i were a great being, worth it but trust me i'm not.
life is easier alone in the forest.

- 'now get rid of your attachments', sais ajahn. When trying, i want to escape, fall asleep, do some cleaning ... facing the attachment to 'my' dog led 3 times to uncomfortable sleep while sitting in meditating. i just block. told it ajahn, he laughed.

- i'm asked to go to germany, warburg in october to help ajahn with a retreat. Hope to see some of you! More on this later.

- yesterday we did first paritta chanting for ajahn Tongs birhday which is on sept. 21.

- skipping 2ond paritta chanting and do some hours of meditation instead, guess that's in ajahn Tong's sense. Although it would be a good excuse not to meditate ...

- o.k., so far i see that attachment is just a state of mind, getting rid of it is not more than a change of mind, as it seems. Knowing this doesn't mean that i automatically can do it.

- through with paritta chanting. Was tired and lazy a few days, which means i meditated only 10 hours instead of 12 - 14. Wanted to sleep more, almost could not get up after 4 hours.
Then felt strong again, need more mental power and concentration ...

- The try to sew a pair of long under-trousers failed. Have to try again otherwise it will be dam cold in germany.

Funny coincidence

2009-09-12T04:29:00.000-07:00

Since 2 days garlic again, no more extrafood, which i understand, to be honest. The bhikkhunis left, so i'm the only one who askes for food without garlic. Hence, i do mindful vomiting and have diarreah again. I'll eat rice with sauce for now and receive snacks and fruit sometimes. that'll do.

Today in the afternoon i was sweeping leaves around the kuti of a kitchen-nun, when she came out and started to ask where i come from. 'Germany', i said. 'germans have a lot of money', said she. I tried to tell her that economy is going down, i'm not sure wether my gestures with the arms could explain the whole extend of recession in europe. She frankly asked if i have money. I went to get the thai-book and tried to explain that i get donations sometimes and i use some of it for telefone and internet to stay in touch with my family, friends and students, for visa and robecloth, but that i don't want to touch money - like a monk, [i shouldn't have said that because most thai monks handle money without seeing fault in it] because it's not good and the buddha said monks and nuns should not touch it. 'Ohh! I touch money and i like it.' was her spontaneous answer, 'but i don't get some'. [which i know is not true because i gave her the envelope i received a week or 2 ago and i know it contained money.]

Wanting to go back to the forest, to be alone, to leave thailand. But who am i to judge, now as i found out that defilements are really deep rooted in my mind.
Not only compassion [karuna]is lacking, some more patience [khanti] might be helpful, too.

Shockwave

2009-09-12T04:26:00.000-07:00

thought it might be good to start the course all over again. Here we go.
I felt so much compassion and worry for a friend. And was wondering why Buddha said compassion is wholesome while worry is unwholesome.
Doesn't seem correct on the first sight ...
Worry [kukkuca] is rooted in anger. Compassion [karuna] is pure.
An example. We see somebody loosing weight because of not eating much for a reason we don't know. When we feel worry, we want to change the sitation to make it as we want it to be. We have the conceit that we know better than the other. If we can't change we get angry and eventually start to quarrel. So, there is indeed anger, wanting, conceit, even if we mean good. A worried person would try to oblige the other one to eat to not become thinner, without asking for or respecting the other ones motivation not to eat.
Compassion is pure and not influenced of our own views and wishes. A compassionate person would, in the same case, be there, waiting with some food, in case the other one needs it and does not insist if the other don't takes the food.

May i get rid of the pride to be a compassionate person and of all worry and become truly compassionate.

latest insights

2009-09-08T21:59:00.000-07:00

Oh, here are the latest insights:
[ajahn askes every day if i have any new insights]
Letting go is an active process. One has to open the hand to release what one holds in it and same, on has to open the heart and mind to release all the stupid thoughts, wrong views, and defilements one holds on to.

And:
Life is a mere process of changing events and changing sensations. A process. Not a fixum.

calm

2009-09-08T21:57:00.000-07:00

Got through the course quickly and worked on equanimity for some days. I'm having a different determination this time. Ajahn calls it 'natural determination'. I continue 4 hours sleep and 10 - 14 hours practice.
This time it's really going good and i hope i can at least keep the sleeping rythem and get the same results in meditation, when practicing only 6 hours and be mindful the rest of the time.
Ajahn confirmed my former thought that the 8 fold noble path is to be followed, not only mindfulness which is only one part of 8.
I still often struggle with equanimity. Although i am really peaceful sometimes, i know that it is only on the surface. I felt like a cool lake where formerly a volcano was active, but under the quiet surface it's very vivid ...
The chest and heart is opening. I have a tention in the left shoulder and a tendency to bend a litte to the left since i can think. Some days ago the chest cracked open again, today the shoulder. The heart seems to have grown. My faith in the Buddha and his teaching were hugh already now it's enormous.
In some moments i feel incredibly much love and compassion. Where to put it? In a smile.
in other moments i see the defilements that are left. So many and i guess i only see the pieck of the iceberg.
Since more then 2 month i leave my room only for report, eating, and sweeping. [with very few excepcions like going to immigration office] under these circumstances it's easy to calm down and control defilements.

interim report

2009-09-08T21:54:00.000-07:00

No more back pain since some days even when sitting and walking straight for 14 hours daily. The back used to hurt after 6 hours meditation. At night feet are very tired and i feel tention in the right leg and left shoulder while sitting.
Wonder if that as well dissapears. Man, who have thought that. When i strarted, with vipassana, i could sit in full lotus for 40 minutes, but halflotus was painful and walkingmeditation was torture. In my first course i felt as if i have to pull heavy loads when walking, at night i krept crying on all four. Sometimes i fell over like fading. Sitting was easier but compared with how i sit now it was torture as well.
If anybody who reads this suffers from having the "restless legs": practice meditation excessively. I had it and often couldn't sleep because legs were itching and twitching. Now it's 99% gone and only is back when i happen to meditate less then 4 hours.

the game

2009-08-31T03:00:00.000-07:00

And now what???
I have the key - mindfulness; i know the hidden door that leads to freedom.
Now i just have to go there and open the door with the keys.
Cross the swamp of forgetting, find the antidote for the poison of delusion that i took for 50 years, get through the mirror labyrinth of 'i-conceite', pass through the tumbes of suffering, solve the riddle of impermanence, win the battle against time, and by the way free the princess moral out of the dragos claws, get the holy gral of knowledge, never loose the keys of mindfulnes, which is in fact bound around the neck of a butterfly which flies from dream to dream.
THAT'S IT!
The fun is, it's a realtime game.

Heartreading

2009-08-31T02:57:00.000-07:00

The other day Ajahn told me to read in my heart because the abhidhamma is there, sais he.
So i dared a closer look today at the part of heart that is the jail [was writing about feeling like going into jail earlier ...].
Ouuuu!
Had some kind of weird vision when i approached and opend the imaginary door to my heart.
Phsiummm - a knife came flying. Looking around from a safe place i saw 3 little girls, one almost a kripple, bended back a stuttering, a shy one, injured. another one insane, with eyes open wide, silent motionless but about to jump up furiouse for defense. The third one horrified, terrified hiding in a corner not able to breath of fear to be seen lurking for escape.
Poor little ones.
First monsters now girls, wonder what else i keep hidden there.
These things i see are not real, and when i say 'seeing, seeing, seeing' they dissapear. they are mere reflections of mindstates and help me to understand where to work next.
Last night i stayed awake long and meditated, on a walk through the monastery in the very early morning i saw light in some rooms, people awake like me and practicing.
the resume of this night: the experiences on makes, deeds one does and thoughts one thinks leave a print in mind, like a thumb leaves a print on glass. thus mind accumulates 'good' and 'bad' of ones experiences, thoughts and deeds. as a result one thinks one is such and such a person with such and such a character. But in reality one is just the sum of experiences, thoughts and deeds which are repeated because mind flows the known way, like water flows the same stream.
body and mind are depending on eachother and are both very limited.
anger can be transformed into loving-kindness, when catched at the very beginning, before anger manifests itself and leaves its print and a mental or/and physikal reaction.
Greed, wanting can be overcome by being restaint.
For both it is essential to have right understanding, right effort and right mindfulness.
I slept a little and had a short meditation before breakfast.
Now, make theory practice, phalañani.

impermanence of mind states

2009-08-30T00:16:00.000-07:00

Did i say yesterday i'm ready to die. Well, for one heroic moment it was true, but reallity now is - i'm not.
One step ahead, two back.
Yesterday: going swiftly, in quick succession through some stages of meditation until coming to a certain point.
Today: no concentration no ability to observe breath or anything else and if i come to a cetain stage of peacefulness, then immediately my dog comes to my mind, after that i see other attachments and defilements. Which is obviously better than not seeing them, sure ... But ...
Ajahn almost laughed tears when i told him how my mind tricks me.
I told him again of the urgent feeling to ordain as bhikkhuni, again he laughed. I said: you can laugh, you are wearing the robes. He said he understands. Meanwhile i shall practice and behave like a monk and try to get rid of these defilements.

This morning i met a woman with whom i once shared taxi. She is from bangkok but comes here about 5 times per year. She was early preparing for almsgiving. When she saw me she donated some fruit and sweets to me, then other women, friends of her came and gave as well. So no lunch today but some almost-almsround-food. Later, when i left my room to sweep, someone donated medicine to me. I donated it to the bhikkhuni, when i came back someone gave me even more fruit and snack. Funny, i live far away from where almsfood is given, comes unusual and unexpected.
Enough now, back to the cushion.

ongoings

2009-08-28T19:15:00.000-07:00

After working on the first 2 days on the same thing, i rushed through the next back and forth several times. No doubt, the wish to get out of the rounds of rebirth is very strong. But i don't find enough equanimity always. Have to work on this harder. Still too tangled in this tangle.
Last retreats i saw much lobha kilesa, now i see more dosa.
Felt like an onion, if one peels away the laiars, on has to cry a lot but in the end there is nothing left, no core, no cry, no onion. Wonder how many laiars this nama-rupa-onion has. :o)
Ajahn asked me in my first reatreat of this vassa if i'm ready to die. I just laughed, knowing i'm not. Now i am. Not that i want to or have any intention to suicide - far away from that! But this 'I' that ego worm, may it rest in peace.
A monk was yelling at the kitchen nuns, i went and stood there silent, he dissapered but came back next day, yelled again, i went again, asked him a question aubout a completely different term to get him away from the kitchen, it turned out that he lyed to me when he answered.
It took me both times i was in contact with him a full set of walking and sitting meditation to get rid of the anger. I had some quite unwholesome thoughts the worst was: going and ask if menstruation didn't come. Nasty! But i decided to say or do nothing at all except being mindful and friendly.
No more unwholesomeness may arise from the phalanyani-nama-rupa. A task i will fail to fulfille a lot, but one grows with the tasks, no?

This early morning i had 2 thoughts:
1. Instead of sitting and watching the leaves and dirt passing by i will go to the source, the well and clean it.
2. Letting go is an active process, one has to open the hand to release an item one holds on to and one has to open the heart to release the defilements.

Nadya was waiting at my door to bring back things that i gave her. I was again upset, but then found other people happy to have the things. She's on course as well. May she find freedom.

millipede

2009-08-28T19:14:00.000-07:00

I'm on retreat again. Diffrent then usually, i say myself if i stay with one nyana for only hours or for days.
Thought i will do the first in one hour ... But decided after one day to continue and look deeper, if possible. Rising and falling, all about impermanence.
I asked if i can continue reading the abhidhamma but ajahn said, no, read in your heart not in books.
Today i was rebuked because i meditated only 10 hours, do 12! But now i can read little. It really helps, before i acknowledged a feeling or a thought, now i know right away if it's wholesome or unwholesome and in the latter case i can let go right away of the feeling or thought.
While walking meditation i try to seperate intention which is a mere impulse from volition, one second from the next,
Things are happening too fast, i need milliseconds and don't have the time to fully say in mind what i note. I acknowledge and know that i know.
But then again - long periods of drowsiness. Wanting to get up from sitting before the alarm rings ...

The shape of the body dissapeared and i saw millions of cells, glimmering and then changing form, rushing through different bodies or forms in quick alteration. some cells always vanishing, dying, others appering so fast, that it was not easy to see, that they all dissaper at their time. It was interesting, breathtaking. at one moment, when the cells had millepede-form, it was short black because a bigger form stepped on 'my' millipede-form and i took chance to say "seeing, seeing" and go back to the rising and falling of the abdomen.

41 days

2009-08-24T04:54:00.000-07:00

Only 41 or so days left. Now i'm more learning than practicing. The eyes hurt from neon light every day all day. I was reading more in the web pages of the santi forest monastery. The essays and writings about bhikkhuni ordination kept me busy.
I strongly recommend to everybody interested in bhikkhuni to visit the pages. I don't have the link now but search in google for santi forest monastery.

kitchen aid

2009-08-22T22:36:00.000-07:00

Helped in the kitchen instead of meditating. Help was welcome. Later a novice and nadya came to help as well. Mushroom-cutting-noodle-seperating-egg-peeling-onion-peeling-meditation.
First it felt like waste of time, [i should humble go on almsround, thats proper] but presently everything appears like a waste of time to me - meditation and learning Dhamma excluded.
I have to keep in mind that, for the kitchen nuns, it's not a waste of time to prepare extrafood without garlic for the bhikkhunis and me. They do it with so much love and devotion. It's not easy to bear all their goodness without feeling ashame and guilty. Guilty for having something extraordinary like a garlic allergie and ashame because i will never be half as good at heart as they are.

It's so much better without garlic! No more stomach ache vomits and diarrea since then.
The people of 'my' village, where i used to go on almsround cook with garlic as well but they dont cut it in very small pieces and i sorted it out with the meat for the dogs.
... Hope to visit wat suan pa soon with nadya and sue, a thai-meditator.

acting

2009-08-19T18:45:00.000-07:00

As i mentioned i was once actrice at theater, long ago already. We worked with lee strasberg's method acting. Very interisting method and we had a good coach.
Instead of stumbeling over the scene to find out where to say and do what, we worked our characters lying on the foor or sitting in a chair, eyes closed - we researched the properties of the charakters, their way of speaking, thinking, moving, their postures, feelings like that.
We scanned our bodies with our minds in search for useful 'material': Points in size of a pin head wherever in the body.
Due to past experience cells or cellgroups seem to have an information about a feeling related with a posture, a gesture, a tension, etc.. This were what we were looking for, spots where mind has related a feeling for some reason. [a little scar from an old hurt, a tension in the shoulder, a spot when remembered one can't stop giggeling and so on]
Interesting because it helps me now to understand the abhidhamma. About mind and matter, nama and rupa. the body does not remember anything, but mind knows and according to the work we did i can tell: mind, when trained, is able to remember every little spot of the body and every situation or feeling or thought related with it. When such a mind-matter coproduction is repeated, it will be memorized and tension, posture, thought, feeling of it will be established. If it is repeated often it becomes habit [or keypoint to enter into your stage character].
EVERYTHING is ruled by mind, made by mind. Mind is experiencing as long as the mind/matter combination is intact.
The most shocking of that work for me was to see how limited we are. Physically and in range of our feelings, we can either feel happy, unhappy our neutral; mindstates are either of wanting/liking/greed, not-wanting/disliking/hatred, or not knowing/delusion. This in variable combination and changing intensity. Each combination sepred, connected with each other just through thinking. Effect of something, cause for something. Thats all. No matter if it's a shakespear a modern author or a happening in our lifes.
Maybe not all of my time was wasted :o)

learning

2009-08-14T22:01:00.000-07:00

One week already out of retreat, I'm in my room with 3 abhidhamma books and try to memorize the tika matika.
That means: i'm reading books about the teaching of the buddha, those in which his teaching is comprised to the essential, in a logical, dry, analytical way.
What i understand is little but that little is so wonderful - it's either pali, the language of the buddha or english. Having meditated a lot helps, one has experienced what one reads.
In the beginning it's scaring - you see tables, list, diagramms, words that do not make any sense yet, even when written in a language your able to understand. Most discouraging is: i need 3 days to memorize a text i could memorize in three hours when i was younger and working in theater - and: nadya either knows it all already or reads for five minutes and then knows. last night i cried because i wasted so many years of my life not learning and understanding all this. Only short, after noting greed, jelousy and selfity as roots, i stopped rightaway and - as i reckon -there is still some time left to learn.
In this case my bothering stubbornness is supportive, i will not give up learning this treasure only because it's difficult or others can do better.
My dear mama said i shall not torture myself - but meditating the maximum possible or learning dhamma until falling asleep over the books is no torture - not knowing, not understanding is.

ajahn tong

2009-08-08T07:40:00.000-07:00

today my teachers teacher, ajahn tong came to visit. he is 85 years old and walks supported by one or two people. but only the body is old and weak his mind is clear, strong and vivid,today more then ever befor [of the few times i had the chance to hear him talk] and his dhammatalk was inspiring although i understood about one percent of the words he said.
i was just standing in front of the elevator, when the doors opend and he came out.
at the end before he left, i was lucky and walked along where he was sitting and waiting to be picked up, only few people were around and i received a blessing. he hits people with his fan on head or shoulder - usually there are long lines of people waiting to be beaten.
presently one thai bhikkhuni and 5 vietnames bhikksunis are staying here, ajahn tong greeted and encouraged them. generally bhikkhunis existence is neglected.
their being mentioning in the same breath with the monks and being adressed during the talk in front of 200 people gives rise to hopes.

2. retreat

2009-08-05T19:38:00.000-07:00

1. 2 hours sleep 15 meditating, no brandnew insight, just observing the arising and dissapearing of the breath and other internal or extrenal, through the sensedoors entering phenomena.
not tired at all.

2. 2 hours sleep, 14 meditation, dissolution - perfect fitting for meditation oject, at home jens is giving and throughing away all my things at home, home is given up.
thinking of my dog. suffering through love.

3. 4 hours sleep, 12 meditation, very tired, don't want to get up, cocentration bad, thinking about nonsense, about poor jens working hard at not-home-anymore, about dog, about where to go after vassa. wanting to ordain as bhikihuni, now.

4. 4 hours sleep, 14 meditation, exhausted, perception blurred, floor seems to move, feeling i cant go to the diningroom because either my head will fall into the plate and i'll snore loud or i strart to cry or to laugh hysterically. went to pindabat to offer my soymilk to the bhikkhuni, she gave me black chocolate and tea.
everything ok after breakfast, strong again.

5. 4 hours sleep, 12 meditation, thought i got rid of a difilement, was pround of it and noticed as a result that i have looots of them, more then i thought before. when i told ajahn, he smiled and said: "good, GOOD! not the defilements, but to see you have it, work harder now". i don't know how, i feel like a wrack already sometimes, but yes, i still have some hidden recources of energy.

6. 2 hours sleep, 16 meditation, i'm at my limits, but as i realized limits are deluded-mind-made. seeing all those defilements is absolutely discourageing. later: i don't have to root them out one by one, i just have to go straight for nibbana, then they vanish all at once. so don't waste time lamenting, phalanyani. and anyway defilements are just a theater play, a fool who belives it's true.

7. 3 hours sleep, 14 meditation, while meditation, peace, no wanting, no other defilement but going out of meditation all comes back to mind, wanto to get out of this room with people so close, want a separate kuti, want to go on almsround, want to be allowed to live the real holy life.
now find patiance, phalanyani.

8. 3 hours sleep, 14 meditation, this must be real equanimity. such a peace during meditation, absence of all that may bother - not all day and night but for some hours. ajahn sais: defilements are like the dangerous beings in the ocean, equanimity is sitting in a boat on the surface of the ocean and not being bothered by the oceans dangers.

9. no sleep, meditating all time available, but need some breaks. it's easy this time, feet hurt from walking so many hours but apart from this condition is good. perception changed, i see everything in short pictures like seeing a movie in its single pictures instead of seeing it as one flow. makes me feel dizzy. smells and sounds are extremely intense, almost painful. ajahn is encourageing with a fatherly loving smile.

10. no sleep, meditation as much as possible, feel calm, clear, peaceful, tall, relaxed but know of the impermanence of this state of mind.

postscriptum
next day wanting a separate kuti is back right away but much more relaxed. i know i don't need it, and it's only 2 months left. the wanting is a good meditation object, cause i know feeling uncomfortable here is mindmade and has nothing to do with the rooms, they are good - just not lonely and secluded.
went to almsround to give some tea to ajahn and bhikkhuni. my eyes are filling with tears - i miss wearing my monksrobe, feeling naked without it, and miss going on almsround - what holy life i'm living: like a thief.

1 retreat

2009-07-31T05:25:00.000-07:00

1. 6 hour sleep, 12 meditating, arising of the hope to have a super-kuti and vanishing of that hope. stomachache since days, today vomits.

2. 6 hours sleep, 12 meditating, saw dea of my bodie's cells, dream about the world breaking apart, i have to jump and fly to get out of danger, pain in legs while walking, fear to continue course, going on means dying, everything vanishes, just not my defilement all i can do is subpress them, again vomits, wish i could vomit mentally to get rid of defilements, itching, pain on head, is someone drilling a hole in it? some selfpity start to cry, only short, then peace.

3. 5 hours sleep, 10 meditation, very calm and peaceful, knowing i have to leave everything and everyone behind to go further, short fear not to be able to, stomach pain, saw my grand ma, mother's mother she is a deity, burst out in tears and had goosescinall over, she said she saved my life twice since i'm in thailand, i thought it was more often. got a big hug from a vietnamise bhikkhuni who i don't know, angry about anatta, be a samurai and cut off all defilements

4. 4 hour sleep, 12 hours meditation, i see the danger in everythin, told ajahn, he can call me bhikkhu, descouraged, i never will get rid of defilements, pain in back, itching all over, bad concentration, want to give up, all wanting, not wanting, hoping must be eliminated, only way for now is subpress defilements
yes! i can get rid of them

5.4 hours sleep, 12 meditation, maybe i'm too weak, cocentration is bad, slept while sitting, moved between faith and the fear that i cannot advance and will end up as a grumpy, bitter old nun.letting go wanting makes me feel light until i think of my dog, i'll love it even if i never see it again, have to become a bhikkhuni, felt someone held a gun on my forehead and shoots, live leaves body, feels easy. ajahn askes are you ready to die, i sai, no.

6. 4 hours sleep, 10 hours meditation, noting of everything very difficult, impatience, pain, itching

7. 4 hours sleep 14 meditation, bad concentration in the evening, feeling changed in the morning,concentration strong, peace and faith, pain moderate only some cutting strong pain attaces in shoulder and feet. laa comes to meet me and brings some stuff from wat suan pa. sand running through the fingers, there is nothing in this world worth clinging onto as me or mine. no panic when i think of distatch from my dog, i can see it again, when i'm not attached anymore.

8. 4 hours sleep, 14 meditating, peace, equanimity, clam,

9. 0 hours sleep, wanting hahaha 24 meditation, have to relax, 20 hours is good enough. walking sometimes difficult at night, take the umbrella as support, in the early morning strike, no tiredness anymore, no pain or anything else bothering.

10. 0 hours sleep, 18 meditation, easy, determination to continue with 2 hours but not more then 4 for as long as possible, i want to work on cessation and make it more reliable. ajahn is very pleased, praises the work done and i can continue to come to see him for report.

11. 2 hours sleep, 10 hours meditation, some internet. dissolution of home is the next project. poor jens how has the work. i'm calm, cool, have fun to let home go. ajahn sets me on the next course. same procedure - again through all this. don't want but it has to be done, i suffer from a bad desease calld samsara, the symptoms - some ugly defilements, are causing pain. go through these retreats is the only cure, may it be bitter and hard to take.

anicca, anatta, dukkha

2009-07-28T04:48:00.000-07:00

everything changes, thoughts, people, views, circumstances ... impermanence all around. can we do something about that? no. because we're not the allmithy "I" we wish to be. we're just a conglumeration of material fitted with something called mind that thinks, cognizes, knows, remembers, etc.. always wanting - something to be or to have: to look good, to be rich, to have another nose, to have fun, to find peace, to be loved, to have food, to be happy ...

honestly, how many moments does one experience in life not wanting? including all hopes, wishes and not-wantings [aversions]. if there is such a rare moment one starts to enjoy it and wants it to last forever. what a trick.
it won't, of course, last long. pure happyness is already gone when the wish it may last occures. and sadness or anger arises. the process is the same if a tasty icecream drops, a beloved one leaves, we have to be where we don't want to be or millions are lost. only the intensity and duration of the suffering varies, not the fact that suffering is experienced.

hence we have to admitt suffering is omnipresent in our lifes.
so lets review: everything without exception is changing, falling apart, breaking, decaying, aging. thats what the Buddha ment by: sabbe anicca, all is impermanent, eternal.
we can't do anything about it because we are not an allmighty entity, we can't even tell our hair not to grow, or a cell not to die. we are very limited in our abilities. that's what is meant by: sabbe anatta, all is without self, without autocracy.
this is most irritating, unpleasent, isn't it? there is, obviously nothing to rely on, nothing to hold on. sooner or later it's all suffering, sabbe dukkha.
we may talk and dream to not have to face the suffering but be can't get out of this ...
the Buddha sais: yes, we can. more on this later.

monsters

2009-07-28T04:41:00.000-07:00

in report i told ajahn that i saw a greedmonster with big eyes and big mouth sitting in my chest, with long thin fingers it tried furious to get, to reach, to hold, to cling and was hurting me with it's sharp nails. i told it not to worry, cause i'm going to end it's suffering.
i had unusual strong pain in my chest. no wonder maybe, after 8 hours walking and sitting meditation without break.
last night at about one, while sitting down after walking meditation the chest craked open loud.
little greedy one is still there. we had muffins this morning, after having eaten mine suddenly i was given more, and more, in the end i ate 3 and took 2 to the room.
as result: stomach ache and ants in the room. you see! happyness turns into suffering quickly :o)
getting up after 2 hours sleep is easier now. since more then a week i sleep between 0 - 4 hours at night, without cheating at day, honestly, 12 - 16 hours meditating. i wonder how long i can do but decided to do until either i fall asleep walking, feet are bleeding, vassa ends or defilements are eradicated. [my bet: fall asleep walking]

cells

2009-07-28T04:38:00.000-07:00

now consider your body, it's made of cells, millions, billions, of small cells that found together due to given circumstances to build this body. every cell is composed of some matter[material], a lot of water, recepy varies from cell to cell. every cell has inherent some information for its life. a cell of a fingernail knows to grow, a bloodcell knows where to carry what when, a braincell knows to send and recieve sparkles, cells of the immunsystem know to go into defense if needed. these cells do what has to be done and then die.
imagine, every cell would perform such a spectacle as the body-mind composure they are part of. :o)

1 year

2009-07-28T04:36:00.000-07:00

one year ordained as nun. who may have thought that it would be more like adventure park or jungle camp than a boring-peaceful nun's life.
may i express my deep gratitude to all people involved, like teachers, preceptors, helping and encourageing friends, donators, family, sisters and brothers on the path ...
instead of going home as planned one year ago, i'll remain in robes, go for saffron robes. there is no other choice.
this brings about some consequenses and changes.
the "home" on mallorca is already given up, right now dear friend jens mutates into rambo and gives and throughs away what was mine. the money for the ticket back home donated.

countdown

2009-07-15T04:30:00.000-07:00

81 more days thai-pop-radio.
as it seems i will not move to another room, or at least i don't want to spend more time waiting for it, i went to see ajahn last evening and asked to start an intense retreat.
good! i felt like wasting time and regretted to have come, slept more then 6 hours with the result that i couldn't concentrate, thought too much.
now - udayabaya nyana - knowledge of rise and fall, arising and ceasing, becoming and ending. this is to receive full understanding of the impermanence of all formations and sensations of all that is, beings, thoughts, feelings.
all this comes into being and dissaperes in it's time. some comes just for seconds or less, others for days, month and years some for thousands of years or aeons but nothing of all that is inside or outside of what we think to be our self is really permanent, even if it is longer than our own lifespan.
seeing this clearly one consequently understands that what is impermanent will cause suffering, the whole scale from small like "ohh, a pity" to unbearable that one wants to suicide.
and we can't do nothing about it, we have no remedies. we can't tell rinkles to to go away, deseases not to come, breath not to breath, friends not to die, time not to pass, braincells not to forget, cells not to age. no way. every cell of the body dies when time comes. and the breath, well a non smoker may hold it for a minute or so some extremists try to hold it longer, but anyway. one has to see and accept that the image of a person, of ego, of self that has free choice what to do and what not is just an illusion.
there is no allmighty I that can say, i'am not going to suffer not to age not to die and i'll be perfect and rich. there is no allmighty entity at all, neither inside or outside of someone, something, that may say "from tomorrow on thai-pop does not exist anymore in this world and tomorrow, i declare, starts: now - and by the way, may there be peace, health and joy until all eternaty on this planet" - and it was peace, health and joy and the allmighty ...
let's start noticing the belly rising and fallig.
and see: even thai-pop-music is impermanent, radio beheind the wall is only playing from 9 am to 4 pm.